Getting my stuff together

[oped]

But i don't think its unreasonable either. If she wants a hug, she should get a hug. If he isn't disposed to do so, maybe she should be in a relationship (some day) with a man who is Either because he is wired the same way or makes the effort on her behalf. 

I don' think i was very clear earlier. 

[Deleted]

I would have told HIM to go home and relieve his mom of childcare duties because YOU were going out with andi9899! 

[justme]

Douchecanoe invited you out so he wouldn't feel guilty getting drunk at the bar and then made you go home so his mom wasn't mad he was gone do long.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

1) Believe me, I am definitely the cold-hearted bitch in the eyes of those who are on XH's side. 
2) I think my husband forgot to say good-bye to me this morning. This is after he made me eggs and pancakes for breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen. Normally I clean up the kitchen, but we over-slept, so he did. I was still sad that he didn't say good-bye to me. Now, I am not a morning person, and it's entirely possible he did say good-bye to me and I really didn't process it. Then he made me lunch. Then he bought my kid a car (I specify that because it's his step-kid, though he doesn't think of the girls any differently than he does of the boys). Then, he went with me to walk the dog. But I still remember that this morning, I'm not sure he said good-bye to me. ---My point: yes, your husband should acknowledge your existence!  ---My other point: there really are good marriages out there. Based on my parents' marriage and my first marriage, I wouldn't have believed that. I'm glad I found a good marriage, and I hope you do too. 

[CCL]

Girl, you deserve so much better than this.

[TheHaitian]

Question: can your husband even afford to be at a bar as often as he is? I thought he was making peanuts for money....

Maybe you are in a very LCOLA because for the price they charge for 1 beer at bars, I can buy a 6 pack at my grocery store and get drunk at home.

Guess I am cheap like that

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Not unreasonable at all. I can kinda be a Sheldon Cooper at times but if DH wants a hug I give him one. Cause that's what spouses do.

We kiss hello/goodbye even if we're furious with each other. You need that connection.

[Sam_2.0]

I've not gotten a kiss in who knows how long. Like a real, actual kiss. If I get one, it's where he rolls his lips in like you do when you kiss your kid's gross boo boo to help them feel better. No hugs. If I initiate one he just pats my back and pulls away. But god forbid I not want to have sex whenever he walks over and grabs at my ass or something. Hell, we were watching a movie and I just asked to sit by him on the couch. He whined that it wasnt comfortable and hed rather stretch out and lay down across one side of the sectional. After finishing the mats last week I just needed to have my back rubbed because it hurt so freaking bad from being on the tile floor for nearly 20 hours. He asked if that meant he got something in return, and my face must have told him no because he declined. He used to do the same to me when pregnant - no back rubs or foot rubs unless i agreed to have sex with him afterwards.

But now hes home and pouting and asking if i love him. I came home and got the kids to bed, and now i am in bed.

I'm not asking for big PDA episodes. Just something more than "oh, hi stranger at the bar..." he keeps telling the counselor that he cant engage with me like that unless hes getting sex all the time. So...its all my fault. Always.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 20, 2018 21:33:16 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Question: can your husband even afford to be at a bar as often as he is? I thought he was making peanuts for money....

Maybe you are in a very LCOLA because for the price they charge for 1 beer at bars, I can buy a 6 pack at my grocery store and get drunk at home.

Guess I am cheap like that

No. We cant afford it. But hes got a new job where he actually gets paid, so he spends $1200/m on bars and fast food. And refused to sign up for benefits even though he was eligible. I cook dinner most nights for the kids and I. He will Door Dash Chick Fil A for $35.

I've been working hard to get to where I can cover things on my salary alone. This is why.

[Deleted]

The next time he invites you to meet him at the bar, will you?

At this point, especially given the decisions you've made, I don't think it would be wrong to only do what Sam wants to do with regards to him. If you don't feel like being bothered with him, don't. You don't have to be mean or spiteful, just don't engage, and go on about your business.

It's not always easy to do, but try not to take his jerk-ish behavior personally. It doesn't say anything about you or your worth, it says something about him and his character. 

[justme]

Holy shit $1200 a month!!!! Girl just take money from his account to pay for bills for his kid. Fuck that shit.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 20, 2018 22:02:42 GMT -5 justme said:

Holy shit $1200 a month!!!! Girl just take money from his account to pay for bills for his kid. Fuck that shit.

I do. And he gets pissed and questions why I took what I did. Ughghgg.

I went because I am trying to pretend things are "fine." I wanted to wait until Jan to file, and wait until i file to tell him. I just need to make it to the other side of Christmas.

[Deleted]

I wonder what he thinks there is about him and how he treats you that would make you want to have sex with him. Does he think he's just that good looking that he's irresistible? He doesn't show you affection, he's not even kind to you half the time, does he do anything to show you that you're more to him than just a warm body to have sex with? I'm curious about how he thinks that's suppose to work.

[Deleted]

$1200/month is freaking insane!   That's double what I spend on all groceries and eating out for myself and both kids and that includes them eating hot lunch at school every single day.  

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 20, 2018 22:09:20 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I wonder what he thinks there is about him and how he treats you that would make you want to have sex with him. Does he think he's just that good looking that he's irresistible? He doesn't show you affection, he's not even kind to you half the time, does he do anything to show you that you're more to him than just a warm body to have sex with? I'm curious about how he thinks that's suppose to work.

Um, cause when your married the bible says women should just always have sex with you. Or something stupid like that. He thinks I turn him down on purpose to be a bitch. It honestly never occurred to him that it was just because I didnt want to. I told him it just felt like one more chore in the day. So he did the dishes once and then got mad that I wasnt falling all over him the second the kids were in bed.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I may be wrong since I'm operating off the cliffnotes version in my head but I'm pretty sure there is a lot in the bible about being a worthy husband too.

Something he is not doing. You're not "equally yolked" by a long shot.

People who cherry pick the parts of the bible that suit them while ignoring the other 99% piss me off.

I'd say the money thing and lack of responsibility are in part mentall illness. It is sad that he expects the world to bend around him rather than a solution that would benefit his family.

I'm also going to say his therapist sounds about as useful as my brother's.

It's not up to you to save him from himself.

[andi9899]

Nov 20, 2018 20:59:38 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I would have told HIM to go home and relieve his mom of childcare duties because YOU were going out with andi9899! 

And FYI, I'm always available to go out. Even if all you need is for someone to feed you alcohol and tell you that you're wonderful. I got you, boo.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 20, 2018 22:35:00 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 20, 2018 20:59:38 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I would have told HIM to go home and relieve his mom of childcare duties because YOU were going out with andi9899! 

And FYI, I'm always available to go out. Even if all you need is for someone to feed you alcohol and tell you that you're wonderful. I got you, boo.

I can throw down with street tacos and margaritas

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sam, maybe you need to arrange a sitter and tell him to meet you with andi at the bar of andi's choice. Preferrably a bar that makes him uncomfortable.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

We spend that much on groceries and eating out three people not counting alcohol because we don't generally purchase alcohol. However, my goal is $900, but my husband would tell you that's unreasonable and that $1200 is comfortable. However, our Current average is $1350. Well, I've had a lot of teenagers at my house lately and they consume a lot of food. 

[chiver78]

Nov 20, 2018 22:42:40 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Sam, maybe you need to arrange a sitter and tell him to meet you with andi at the bar of andi's choice. Preferrably a bar that makes him uncomfortable.

that fun gay bar andi has mentioned sounds like a great spot. and, I know I can't get there, but I can cover bail for whatever trouble you two might find.

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2018 22:07:15 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 20, 2018 22:02:42 GMT -5 justme said:

Holy shit $1200 a month!!!! Girl just take money from his account to pay for bills for his kid. Fuck that shit.

I do. And he gets pissed and questions why I took what I did. Ughghgg.
 

What a selfish, self-centered, immature baby.   So your income is supposed to go 100% to the family and bills and support him when he's unemployed/underemployed, but when he gets a job all the money is for blowing on himself?  

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 20, 2018 23:13:04 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Nov 20, 2018 22:07:15 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I do. And he gets pissed and questions why I took what I did. Ughghgg.
 

What a selfish, self-centered, immature baby.   So your income is supposed to go 100% to the family and bills and support him when he's unemployed/underemployed, but when he gets a job all the money is for blowing on himself?  

pay off the credit cards with his money.

[steph08]

Nov 20, 2018 22:44:25 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

We spend that much on groceries and eating out three people not counting alcohol because we don't generally purchase alcohol. However, my goal is $900, but my husband would tell you that's unreasonable and that $1200 is comfortable. However, our Current average is $1350. Well, I've had a lot of teenagers at my house lately and they consume a lot of food. 

I think that is high, but I have never had teenagers in my house , but in Sam's case, $1200 is just what her DH spends on himself!!!!! That doesn't include household groceries for her and the kids!!!!

I'm so mad for you, sam!

I get pissed when my DH spends like $100/month eating out for lunch (though he has significantly cut back now and is eating healthier).

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Nov 20, 2018 23:15:25 GMT -5 steph08 said:

Nov 20, 2018 22:44:25 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

We spend that much on groceries and eating out three people not counting alcohol because we don't generally purchase alcohol. However, my goal is $900, but my husband would tell you that's unreasonable and that $1200 is comfortable. However, our Current average is $1350. Well, I've had a lot of teenagers at my house lately and they consume a lot of food. 

I think that is high, but I have never had teenagers in my house [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/tongue2.png" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png" class="smile" alt=""], but in Sam's case, $1200 is just what her DH spends on himself!!!!! That doesn't include household groceries for her and the kids!!!!

I'm so mad for you, sam!

I get pissed when my DH spends like $100/month eating out for lunch (though he has significantly cut back now and is eating healthier).

Oh, it is high. We've definitely functioned on $550/month for groceries and eating out for four--two adults, two girl children. Teenage boys generally cost me $200/month on their own just for groceries. right now, we're not actually trying to be frugal, and we're not exactly living near the poverty line. 

[NastyWoman]

Nov 20, 2018 21:52:31 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 20, 2018 21:33:16 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Question: can your husband even afford to be at a bar as often as he is? I thought he was making peanuts for money....

Maybe you are in a very LCOLA because for the price they charge for 1 beer at bars, I can buy a 6 pack at my grocery store and get drunk at home.

Guess I am cheap like that

No. We cant afford it. But hes got a new job where he actually gets paid, so he spends $1200/m on bars and fast food. And refused to sign up for benefits even though he was eligible. I cook dinner most nights for the kids and I. He will Door Dash Chick Fil A for $35.

I've been working hard to get to where I can cover things on my salary alone. This is why.

And you were thinking that maybe you would have to pay him alimony? The boy is going to find out that child support will get in the way of his $1,200 bar bill and his $35 door cash Chick fillet.

He is so bad that I am almost tempted to go find my Ex and remarry him. And that is after being divorced for a dozen years without ever having that thought before

[Jaguar]

Nov 20, 2018 16:22:46 GMT -5 justme said:

Very few people would stay in shitty relationships as long as they do if there weren't some shiny moments in an otherwise shitstorm. They usually make it out of the storm once they realize it's very small moments and usually right after they were really shit on.


(Hell of a shit metaphor huh?)

I was with a boyfriend in the late 80's. He raped me and I found my tiger bitch. You do not mess with a Tiger Bitch, I shut him and his creepy family down It's amazing what a well said "NO" will do. I can be very unemotional, I go into my mind and stay there.

I had a very mystical side to me when I was a kid/teens. I got into high-school and I didn't let anyone know too much about me. Except my longest best friend Carol. Carol was my guidance teacher, and we are still best friends to this day. I can call Carol anytime and we share emails all the time. I'll email her tonight. That mystical side is stronger, cause I do Shamanic Reiki, every month.

I'm a cool wall, when I need to be. I can put every emotion in a bag to release later, I love the gray stone story. This has helped me a lot, especially with shits that try to cross me.


My mom was married to an abuser. He beat her and stabbed her in the hand. He got electrocuted walking up a pole, and that zapped him. Ted stayed back in NFLD, to make dad think, that mom was coming back. Mom gave Ted some money to get the train to Montreal. I love Quebec, a lot in my family speak French. I want to as well and I'll get there.


Mom left him in 1964, Peggy and Cindy came up to Toronto earlier in 1962/3. They had an apartment all ready for mom. The Polish people in my old neighborhood were as good. Our landlord/landlady were good solid people, and Polish. The landlady helped mom, brought her sewing customers, from St. Joseph's Hospital. There were two wonderful nurses that worked in the Emergency St. Joseph's Hospital. Petey and Jan would come over, sit on the floor and regale mom with ER stories, their laughter was contagious.

The Ukrainians, were also so good. The neighborhood back then was Polish/Ukrainians, they kept everything going smooth.

I had really good Polish friends. Eva's mom more than likely saved my sanity. She would see me and say how good I was and she would tell me I'm the best one in my family. Eva's mom talked to me lot in the streets, basically Psychology 101. I miss her, cause now she is gone.

Nov 20, 2018 20:15:42 GMT -5 Works4me said:

1. In my experience, men usually call women a bitch when we are not putting up with their bullshit.

2. Do you need alcohol to go out at all or only to go out with him?

I can go into a bar and it's gingerale only I will drink and all drinks stay with me. Basically I'm a cool bitch and I have had no problem letting any man know. I'm really good with the high mind attitude.

I got rid of my bullshit, basically I shut down, think it out in my mind. Then I tell the shit to get lost. It's wonderful to have a strong mind, and it's getting stronger. Shamanic Reiki helps with everything,

it makes you focus and sharper.

[andi9899]

Nov 20, 2018 22:02:42 GMT -5 justme said:

Holy shit $1200 a month!!!! Girl just take money from his account to pay for bills for his kid. Fuck that shit.

Right! I've been partying especially hard since the girls have been gone and $1200/month puts me to shame. Holy crap!

[andi9899]

Nov 20, 2018 22:42:40 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Sam, maybe you need to arrange a sitter and tell him to meet you with andi at the bar of andi's choice. Preferrably a bar that makes him uncomfortable.

Yaaaasssss! I have one in mind. I'm pretty sure he'd never agree to go though.

[muttleynfelix]

Awe sam. That stinks. Healthy relationships have affection. Healthy relationships have affection before they go for physical intimacy. I could go on, but you are not wrong in asking or wantin more. You are not wrong for saying this isn't fixable. You deserve better and your kids do too. Get your stuff together. December will go by fast. Focus on what makes you happy.

Your husband seems to be missing a few verses of what is required of husbands in the bible, but I am sure you know that.