Getting my stuff together

[Lizard Queen]

Damn. $1200/month pays our mortgage and utilities.

[debthaven]

What a selfish ass. I had no idea. That is a TON of money!!!

[TheOtherMe]

I can't imagine what $1200 a month buys at a bar.  That is insane.  

No way would I put out for him, with the way he treats you.   

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 21, 2018 7:31:01 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 20, 2018 22:02:42 GMT -5 justme said:

Holy shit $1200 a month!!!! Girl just take money from his account to pay for bills for his kid. Fuck that shit.

Right! I've been partying especially hard since the girls have been gone and $1200/month puts me to shame. Holy crap!

I'd guess dh and I together are buying $75 a month for home consumption and maybe $50 a month for drinks with dinner, when out. Dh's beer is gluten free, which means a 6 pack is about $9 and I think the Greens brand run $6 a bottle.

[andi9899]

Nov 21, 2018 11:07:16 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Nov 21, 2018 7:31:01 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Right! I've been partying especially hard since the girls have been gone and $1200/month puts me to shame. Holy crap!

I'd guess dh and I together are buying $75 a month for home consumption and maybe $50 a month for drinks with dinner, when out. Dh's beer is gluten free, which means a 6 pack is about $9 and I think the Greens brand run $6 a bottle.

I didn't know gluten free beer was a thing! I'm so going to have to look into it. Does it taste good?

I spend about $60 a month for home consumption. I may or may not spend about that much on an evening at a bar. Usually I withdraw that amount of cash from the ATM before going out. More often than not, I end up coming home with at least 20 left. I don't go out every weekend, but about every other weekend. Still nowhere near $1200/month. That's insanity. He better be going to the strip club and getting some lap dances for that.

[Works4me]

Aside from commission sales, is this the first real adult job he's ever had making semi adult money?

Does he really understand what it costs to run the household and raise the kids?

Unfortunately, many adults are totally clueless about the true cost of living.

[andi9899]

Sam, you definitely have to come out with me this weekend. It's going to be so much fun! Plus we need some party pics for this thread!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Some gluten free beers are better than others. Some ciders ate gluten free too. Anything with malt liquor is an automatic no.

Dh has tried most of them by now. He pretty much sticks to the Estalla Daum (spelling is off) and the Greens.

[andi9899]

Nov 21, 2018 11:18:36 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Aside from commission sales, is this the first real adult job he's ever had making semi adult money?

Does he really understand what it costs to run the household and raise the kids?

Unfortunately, many adults are totally clueless about the true cost of living.

This is a good question. IIRC, he's never lived on his own. I think he lived with his parents until they got married. That may explain some of it, but a man his age cannot possibly be that clueless as to not know that you can't spend that kind of money st a bar when you have 3 little kids at home.

[Deleted]

Sam_2.0 are you paying ALL the bills as in mortgage and everything?  You should make a spreadsheet of all the household expenses and food for the kids and bill him for half.   If he asks why you're taking all this money from him just point to the spreadsheet. 

[raeoflyte]

Nov 21, 2018 11:22:55 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 21, 2018 11:18:36 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Aside from commission sales, is this the first real adult job he's ever had making semi adult money?

Does he really understand what it costs to run the household and raise the kids?

Unfortunately, many adults are totally clueless about the true cost of living.

This is a good question. IIRC, he's never lived on his own. I think he lived with his parents until they got married. That may explain some of it, but a man his age cannot possibly be that clueless as to not know that you can't spend that kind of money st a bar when you have 3 little kids at home.

I doubt he knows he's spending that much.  Sam knows because she tracks the money.  My dh barely knows how much he makes.  And only knows how much any of the bills are because I put the bills on auto pay with paycheck dates and started ignoring the accounts.  The account was overdrawn enough time when he was trying to check out somewhere that he finally starting paying a little bit of attention to it.  Dh isn't a complete ass.  He's just completely clueless when it comes to money.  It took me years to figure out that a not maxed out credit card = money available to spend to him.  In a lot of ways I never should have taken my mothers advice to not combine finances from day 1.  

[raeoflyte]

Nov 21, 2018 11:31:57 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sam_2.0 are you paying ALL the bills as in mortgage and everything?  You should make a spreadsheet of all the household expenses and food for the kids and bill him for half.   If he asks why you're taking all this money from him just point to the spreadsheet. 

Or at least to have for the courts/mediation I would think.  

[justme]

Nov 21, 2018 11:38:26 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Nov 21, 2018 11:31:57 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sam_2.0 are you paying ALL the bills as in mortgage and everything?  You should make a spreadsheet of all the household expenses and food for the kids and bill him for half.   If he asks why you're taking all this money from him just point to the spreadsheet. 

Or at least to have for the courts/mediation I would think.  

Might be a plus when splitting assets & debt?

[WholeLottaNothin]

How many nights per week does he go to a bar? or get fast food? That is an unbelievable amount of money (not that I don't believe you). Holy moly. Add $71 and that is how much I spend on mortgage and utilities every month.

My DH was upset that I forgot to kiss him goodbye when I got out of the car at work the other morning. He has been dropping me off because of my epilepsy. It wasn't intentional, we had gotten stuck behind a train and I was late. We do that sort of stuff without thinking most of the time. You shouldn't have to ask for him to acknowledge your existence. You deserve so much better than this. Not to pour salt in the wound, but if he is spending that much at a bar, I would guess he isn't just buying for himself.

[Deleted]

During the time period my kitchen was basically a museum, I still didn't spend anywhere close to that amount of money in a month on food and drinking. I was basically going out whenever I wanted, very rarely prepared a meal at home, and my entertainment plus food budget didn't add up to that much. What the world?!

He's kind of living like he's single isn't he? Hanging out at the bar all the time and spending that kind of money carelessly. He's going to be one unhappy camper when reality hits and he has to support himself without your income holding everything together.

[raeoflyte]

Nov 21, 2018 15:41:59 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

During the time period my kitchen was basically a museum, I still didn't spend anywhere close to that amount of money in a month on food and drinking. I was basically going out whenever I wanted, very rarely prepared a meal at home, and my entertainment plus food budget didn't add up to that much. What the world?!

He's kind of living like he's single isn't he? Hanging out at the bar all the time and spending that kind of money carelessly. He's going to be one unhappy camper when reality hits and he has to support himself without your income holding everything together.

Or he'll go back to couch surfing and get to live like he currently is but will be able to make Sam out to be the bad guy and considering where they live I'm afraid a lot of people will believe it.  I wouldn't think she'd have to pay him alimony, but I don't know how likely it is that he'll end up paying child support either.  

Not trying to be a debbie downer, just realistic.  

[mmhmm]

Nov 20, 2018 22:07:15 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 20, 2018 22:02:42 GMT -5 justme said:

Holy shit $1200 a month!!!! Girl just take money from his account to pay for bills for his kid. Fuck that shit.

I do. And he gets pissed and questions why I took what I did. Ughghgg.

I went because I am trying to pretend things are "fine." I wanted to wait until Jan to file, and wait until i file to tell him. I just need to make it to the other side of Christmas.

Gotta say it! So what if he's pissed? Aren't you pissed? Whose "state of pissed" takes precedence? If he wants to be pissed, let him be pissed. The answer to why you took money from his account is:  "I took it to pay bills because we were short due to the $1200.00 spent on bars and fast food." That's all the answer he needs or deserves. Beyond that, I'd let him rant/rave/pout - whatever he chooses to do. No way I'd let him operate me by whining over the obvious.

[NastyWoman]

Nov 21, 2018 16:23:21 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Nov 21, 2018 15:41:59 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

During the time period my kitchen was basically a museum, I still didn't spend anywhere close to that amount of money in a month on food and drinking. I was basically going out whenever I wanted, very rarely prepared a meal at home, and my entertainment plus food budget didn't add up to that much. What the world?!

He's kind of living like he's single isn't he? Hanging out at the bar all the time and spending that kind of money carelessly. He's going to be one unhappy camper when reality hits and he has to support himself without your income holding everything together.

Or he'll go back to couch surfing and get to live like he currently is but will be able to make Sam out to be the bad guy and considering where they live I'm afraid a lot of people will believe it.  I wouldn't think she'd have to pay him alimony, but I don't know how likely it is that he'll end up paying child support either.  

Not trying to be a debbie downer, just realistic.  

Anyone who has enough money to spend $1,200 a month on a bar tab, has enough money to pay at least some child support.  Things will get really interesting if he finds someone else to "do for him" and they have kids → that still won't get him out from under.

If he wants to go back to couch surfing, that's his problem; and if others want to blame Sam that is theirs.  You cannot and should not live your live to please everyone else. All you will end up doing is losing yourself and be forever unhappy.  It's time to say enough and quote Poe "nevermore"!!!

[swasat]

Sam_2.0, are you entirely sure your H is not contemplating and preparing for divorce himself??

It looks to me he is already living the life he wants - spending money as he wants, coming and going as he pleases, keeping a tight tab on HIS money, not paying any bills, keeping you entirely away from his finances, completely checked out on all of you, and you have no idea who he is hanging out with on a daily basis.....all signs of someone preparing you to leave you and the kids.

I’d be careful if I were you. You don’t want to ruin the family holidays so you intend to wait till Jan. But he is not going to have any qualms about any of that, based on what you have shared here.

Just be careful that in your quest to not ruin it for everyone, he slaps you with papers even before you are prepared.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 21, 2018 17:02:08 GMT -5 swasat said:

Sam_2.0 , are you entirely sure your H is not contemplating and preparing for divorce himself??

It looks to me he is already living the life he wants - spending money as he wants, coming and going as he pleases, keeping a tight tab on HIS money, not paying any bills, keeping you entirely away from his finances, completely checked out on all of you, and you have no idea who he is hanging out with on a daily basis.....all signs of someone preparing you to leave you and the kids.

I’d be careful if I were you. You don’t want to ruin the family holidays so you intend to wait till Jan. But he is not going to have any qualms about any of that, based on what you have shared here.

Just be careful that in your quest to not ruin it for everyone, he slaps you with papers even before you are prepared. [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/sad.png" class="smile" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png" alt=""]

[raeoflyte]

Nov 21, 2018 16:51:30 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Nov 21, 2018 16:23:21 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Or he'll go back to couch surfing and get to live like he currently is but will be able to make Sam out to be the bad guy and considering where they live I'm afraid a lot of people will believe it.  I wouldn't think she'd have to pay him alimony, but I don't know how likely it is that he'll end up paying child support either.  

Not trying to be a debbie downer, just realistic.  

Anyone who has enough money to spend $1,200 a month on a bar tab, has enough money to pay at least some child support.  Things will get really interesting if he finds someone else to "do for him" and they have kids → that still won't get him out from under.

If he wants to go back to couch surfing, that's his problem; and if others want to blame Sam that is theirs.  You cannot and should not live your live to please everyone else. All you will end up doing is losing yourself and be forever unhappy.  It's time to say enough and quote Poe "nevermore"!!!

I definitely agree.  The goal isn't for him to be unhappy, but for Sam to not be unhappy.  Having realistic expectations of what is to come usually helps me with that, although I think Sam is well aware of where the chips are going to fall.

I don't know how long he's had this job where he makes consistent money.  I don't know how much time they look at to calculate who pays what and he's had some really tough years on commission.  Right or wrong I know more women who who have left child support uncollected/under collected to keep the peace rather than go back to court and I can't say that I would do any differently.  

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 21, 2018 17:09:40 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Nov 21, 2018 16:51:30 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Anyone who has enough money to spend $1,200 a month on a bar tab, has enough money to pay at least some child support.  Things will get really interesting if he finds someone else to "do for him" and they have kids → that still won't get him out from under.

If he wants to go back to couch surfing, that's his problem; and if others want to blame Sam that is theirs.  You cannot and should not live your live to please everyone else. All you will end up doing is losing yourself and be forever unhappy.  It's time to say enough and quote Poe "nevermore"!!!

I definitely agree.  The goal isn't for him to be unhappy, but for Sam to not be unhappy.  Having realistic expectations of what is to come usually helps me with that, although I think Sam is well aware of where the chips are going to fall.

I don't know how long he's had this job where he makes consistent money.  I don't know how much time they look at to calculate who pays what and he's had some really tough years on commission.  Right or wrong I know more women who who have left child support uncollected/under collected to keep the peace rather than go back to court and I can't say that I would do any differently.  

I said not to add child support in my papers since son was 16 and just didn't want the hassle in case it came up. Now mind you we used the same attorney so pretty ok on all stuff. But the attorney said if I didn't put some amount judge would not sign off on it. Maybe a state specific thing and long long ago. I said OK and put $50 week paid into court.  So wonder if that might come into play not that he will pay it but it's on record that he owes it. 

So many I's to dot and so many T's to cross but attention to detail eases a lot of crap down the road if that makes sense. Having said that, I have to remind myself that I was just shy of 40 when I divorced and had lots of "living/responsibilities" under my belt. Don't' know how I would have been if in my 20's and two or three kids.

[NastyWoman]

Nov 21, 2018 17:19:47 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Nov 21, 2018 17:09:40 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I definitely agree.  The goal isn't for him to be unhappy, but for Sam to not be unhappy.  Having realistic expectations of what is to come usually helps me with that, although I think Sam is well aware of where the chips are going to fall.

I don't know how long he's had this job where he makes consistent money.  I don't know how much time they look at to calculate who pays what and he's had some really tough years on commission.  Right or wrong I know more women who who have left child support uncollected/under collected to keep the peace rather than go back to court and I can't say that I would do any differently.  

I said not to add child support in my papers since son was 16 and just didn't want the hassle in case it came up. Now mind you we used the same attorney so pretty ok on all stuff. But the attorney said if I didn't put some amount judge would not sign off on it. Maybe a state specific thing and long long ago. I said OK and put $50 week paid into court.  So wonder if that might come into play not that he will pay it but it's on record that he owes it. 

So many I's to dot and so many T's to cross but attention to detail eases a lot of crap down the road if that makes sense. Having said that, I have to remind myself that I was just shy of 40 when I divorced and had lots of "living/responsibilities" under my belt. Don't' know how I would have been if in my 20's and two or three kids.

Sam and H have 3 kids though and I believe her oldest is 7yo (or pretty close to that). So she has to add/ask for child support. There are too many future expenses that can't be predicted in raising three kids.  Besides the kids are his too so even if she can do it without his financial input, she shouldn't. If there is enough money for him to party, Sam should have enough to raise her kids and save for her own future as well.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 21, 2018 17:32:33 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Nov 21, 2018 17:19:47 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

I said not to add child support in my papers since son was 16 and just didn't want the hassle in case it came up. Now mind you we used the same attorney so pretty ok on all stuff. But the attorney said if I didn't put some amount judge would not sign off on it. Maybe a state specific thing and long long ago. I said OK and put $50 week paid into court.  So wonder if that might come into play not that he will pay it but it's on record that he owes it. 

So many I's to dot and so many T's to cross but attention to detail eases a lot of crap down the road if that makes sense. Having said that, I have to remind myself that I was just shy of 40 when I divorced and had lots of "living/responsibilities" under my belt. Don't' know how I would have been if in my 20's and two or three kids.

Sam and H have 3 kids though and I believe her oldest is 7yo (or pretty close to that). So she has to add/ask for child support. There are too many future expenses that can't be predicted in raising three kids.  Besides the kids are his too so even if she can do it without his financial input, she shouldn't. If there is enough money for him to party, Sam should have enough to raise her kids and save for her own future as well.

I wasn't implying that she shouldn't ask for child support I was replying to the poster that I quoted. I also HAD to ask for child support also or the judge would not have signed off on my divorce.

[Sam_2.0]

100% of my income goes to paying bills. I am about $200 short each month, hence the cards or taking money from him. I've been trying to go grocery shopping all together to get him to pay for stuff. Some of the stuff is almost paid off, so that will help. Trading in the car for another one would help too

And I have EVERYTHING detailed in a spreadsheet so theres no excuse to not know what needs paid or when.

[raeoflyte]

Nov 21, 2018 17:32:33 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Nov 21, 2018 17:19:47 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

I said not to add child support in my papers since son was 16 and just didn't want the hassle in case it came up. Now mind you we used the same attorney so pretty ok on all stuff. But the attorney said if I didn't put some amount judge would not sign off on it. Maybe a state specific thing and long long ago. I said OK and put $50 week paid into court.  So wonder if that might come into play not that he will pay it but it's on record that he owes it. 

So many I's to dot and so many T's to cross but attention to detail eases a lot of crap down the road if that makes sense. Having said that, I have to remind myself that I was just shy of 40 when I divorced and had lots of "living/responsibilities" under my belt. Don't' know how I would have been if in my 20's and two or three kids.

Sam and H have 3 kids though and I believe her oldest is 7yo (or pretty close to that). So she has to add/ask for child support. There are too many future expenses that can't be predicted in raising three kids.  Besides the kids are his too so even if she can do it without his financial input, she shouldn't. If there is enough money for him to party, Sam should have enough to raise her kids and save for her own future as well.

I don't know if I'm not typing clearly or if you think I'm arguing for her to stay married.  I'm not saying she shouldn't file for child support.  I'm just not sure how much he's actually going to end up paying. 

Since he has family and probably friends who are likely to buy the sob story, I'm guessing he'll be able to stay rent free for quite a while and keep his care-free lifestyle going.   

[Sam_2.0]

Why the f did I pull his bank transactions. Looking at them makes me want to cry. Up to $200/day for food and drinks. At least, all tabs at restaurants.

Fortunately for him, his student loans will be paid off soon. Mine still have $5k

[Works4me]

He's going to be f'ing pissed no matter how this plays out. Due to his poor mental health and innate selfishness, sooner or later this was bound to happen.

Going back to sofa surfing in order to save money on rent would mean he had more money available for support. Does anyone in his family have a basement he could crash in?

Good luck Sam and know that it will get better. You too deserve more in life than the very worst you can stand.

ETA - can you redirect any money to your debts? Maybe just pay minimums on his bills?

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 21, 2018 18:03:11 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Nov 21, 2018 17:32:33 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Sam and H have 3 kids though and I believe her oldest is 7yo (or pretty close to that). So she has to add/ask for child support. There are too many future expenses that can't be predicted in raising three kids.  Besides the kids are his too so even if she can do it without his financial input, she shouldn't. If there is enough money for him to party, Sam should have enough to raise her kids and save for her own future as well.

I don't know if I'm not typing clearly or if you think I'm arguing for her to stay married.  I'm not saying she shouldn't file for child support.  I'm just not sure how much he's actually going to end up paying. 

Since he has family and probably friends who are likely to buy the sob story, I'm guessing he'll be able to stay rent free for quite a while and keep his care-free lifestyle going.   

His mama spoils him. They will take him back in. Poor, poor Mike. They already feel bad for him since I've become the liberal athiest. Hes a saint for staying married. He will me a martyr when we divorce.

[NastyWoman]

Nov 21, 2018 18:06:18 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 21, 2018 18:03:11 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I don't know if I'm not typing clearly or if you think I'm arguing for her to stay married.  I'm not saying she shouldn't file for child support.  I'm just not sure how much he's actually going to end up paying. 

Since he has family and probably friends who are likely to buy the sob story, I'm guessing he'll be able to stay rent free for quite a while and keep his care-free lifestyle going.   

His mama spoils him. They will take him back in. Poor, poor Mike. They already feel bad for him since I've become the liberal athiest. Hes a saint for staying married. He will me a martyr when we divorce.

FINE!!! Who cares → as long as he pays up. And start pulling money from his accounts today to pay half your joint bills. Put what you have left towards your own student loans since they will stay with you.