Aging Parent Support Thread

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 13, 2019 14:58:43 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Hugs Bonnie.  This is so difficult for you.  I think you're doing a really good job on this and stepping back, while painful, is probably the healthy thing for you to do. 

Agree with this.  I have had to step back more than I would like because of my sister's need for complete control, but unwillingness to do the financial things.

Hugs  

[countrygirl2]

It's a mess, I'm thankful it was just me and now just hubs.  It's hard enough without fighting other family members.

[Bonny]

Dec 13, 2019 14:40:06 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I think it would be best if she did kick him out. But I know that doesn't help you. It's so unfair.

She's certainly put herself in a tight spot whereby she can't live without him to maintain her lifestyle.

[NastyWoman]

Dec 13, 2019 18:54:53 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Dec 13, 2019 14:40:06 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I think it would be best if she did kick him out. But I know that doesn't help you. It's so unfair.

She's certainly put herself in a tight spot whereby she can't live without him to maintain her lifestyle.

Yet she knows how to use your dad's fear of being kicked out perfectly well and she sure isn't afraid of using that

[Bonny]

Dec 13, 2019 19:49:13 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Dec 13, 2019 18:54:53 GMT -5 Bonny said:

She's certainly put herself in a tight spot whereby she can't live without him to maintain her lifestyle.

Yet she knows how to use your dad's fear of being kicked out perfectly well and she sure isn't afraid of using that

Totally agree. It's a very sad and disturbing situation.

Up until a year ago I never saw this side of her. But I suspect it's been going on for a while. Now I'm wondering if how she's going to cheat him out of his equity of the house.

[CCL]

Is it her house or both of theirs?

[Bonny]

Dec 13, 2019 20:38:28 GMT -5 CCL said:

Is it her house or both of theirs?

3/4 hers 1/4 his. There's a reverse mortgage but I think there's still about $400k gross equity. I'm guessing based on an old mortgage statement I found in my dad's papers. And a house across the street from theirs recently sold with similar square footage and lot size.

[crazycat]

Dec 13, 2019 13:57:29 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Two more updates:

When I wrote an e-mail to my brother updating him about what happened he immediately wanted to become Dad's health representative and give me all of Dad's doctors' information.

I politely advised him that only Dad could give permission to do that and that control is a huge problem for the girlfriend. I advised my brother to tread very, very carefully otherwise he will ruin his "new" relationship with his father. What I didn't say is that there's no way in hell that they will trust my brother in any kind of fiduciary relationship given my brother's past financial dealings with them. For the record I think both parties are at fault but since both of them blame each other there's no point in going over it again.

The second update is my father called me today. While he asked me how I was doing, the purpose of the call was to ask me to sign a revocation of power of attorney. Apparently the girlfriend thinks that will get me off the account. I explained what happened at the bank when we went in together, how the woman at the bank said they couldn't get me off the account and that we would have to close the account and open up a new one. Since he has the three auto pay/credit we decided that it would be too complicated to change everything and to leave it be.

He doesn't remember that.

Apparently the girlfriend told him that if I didn't get off the account she would kick him out of the house. Somehow she is convinced that I will get some checks (he has them all) and start writing myself checks from his account. I think the real problem is that she's mad that I questioned why she wrote herself a check for November "rent" the day after she said he needed to move out. Certainly part of the problem is my dad promising to keep paying her at the same time making the same promise to me.

There were further conversations about the history of the account and I'm worried about his cognitive ability. She's clearly paranoid and not understanding how things work and using power to control him. And BTW his rent is going up to $1200/mth January 1.

I feel sorry for him but what a mess he's made for himself.

So sorry you are dealing with all this . The girlfriend sounds sketchy as hell though 

[countrygirl2]

Sounds like both of them have issues. Old age, dementia? but also manipulation.

[Bonny]

So I'm done.

Back in December I followed through on my promise to send my Dad a cashier's check for the balance of the account I was holding for him. My plan was to have him cash it for cash and he could pay whatever he wanted from it. This way he had complete control of his money and I wouldn't be criticized for mis-managing or worse. Multiple e-mails over the last month claiming that it can't be cashed without affecting his Medicaid benefits. Not true if he takes the cash and doesn't deposit in his account. The e-mails are hilariously manipulative attempting to push my buttons; guilt that he could die any day, competitive by threatening to give the money to my brother, et cetera. My father is paranoid that if he takes more than $10k it will be reported to the IRS. I confirmed with the manager of his bank that while a copy the Cash Transaction Report does go to the IRS it's not reported as income.

Yesterday I get a call saying he still can't cash the check.  I suggest that he endorse it over to the girlfriend. He says she doesn't want Medicaid coming after her for the money. I call him on the fact that he's being lying on his Medicaid forms and I don't want to be a party to his fraud. (He hasn't been reporting that he has an interest in the house). Then the girlfriend starts yelling at me that he's not going to sign the check and hangs up on me.

He calls back and I let it go to voicemail. He claims we got "disconnected".  Wants me to take back the check and have it canceled and put it back into the account. I've already told him I closed the account.

I realize this situation is not going to end until I put an end to it. I stop by my bank who states they can take back the check and deposit it in another account and I can take the cash.

Therefore I've drafted an e-mail stating that he can send me the check and I will cash it and give him the cash. I'm calling him on being hung up on and stating that the relationship is toxic and unsustainable and I want no further contact. I'm going to return the cash, his soldiers and resign as his POA, Healthcare Representative, Executor, Successor Trustee and will decline any inheritance.

I pray I'm kind to the people who try to help me.

[TheOtherMe]

It's so hard, Bonny.  I'm sorry.  

[Deleted]

Bonny, this has got to be really hard on you. Sounds like it comes under the heading of no good deed goes unpunished.

I hope and pray that I don't get unreasonable and manipulative in my dotage, especially because The Hovel is connected to DD's house and she'd be on the receiving end of my shenanigans. 

[mmhmm]

Damn,Bonny. I'm so sorry. I'm sure the decision you've made has been very hard for you but one can only do so much. You did your very best, girl.

[finnime]

I'm sorry it has come to this, but can't imagine any other action to take given the situation, Bonnie. You did literally all you could.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs Bonny.  I'm so sorry you've been put thru this by him and his gf. 

[snapdragon]

Dad is in the hospital and let me just say --- 

You should never see your parent naked. Luckily I had a fraction of notice so I was able to turn my head and or make sure I was not looking directly at him the multiple times he had to get out of the bed.   

I expect him to be able to go home in the next 2 - 3 days. Fingers crossed.

[TheOtherMe]

snapdragon  I have PTSD from the day dad was still in bed when I got there about the naked part.  

I had no idea of the naked part and other things I saw that day.

[gacpa]

Bonny,

Been wondering how you were doing.  Feel free to go live your life and enjoy every minute of it.  You did all you could.  Don't spend anymore of your time dealing with them.

[snapdragon]

Well hopefully next week he will be out but I am not sure. He will need a few surgeries before coming home will even considered. 

But he is where he needs to be. 

[Bonny]

I got a call from the skilled nursing facility yesterday afternoon. Dad fell again and broke a rib. I will probably go see him on Tuesday since I'm going to be in So. CA anyway. I was going to return his money and soldiers but obviously the facility is not the right place to return them. I got a cryptic e-mail from the girlfriend saying not to come to the house.

And I haven't updated on MIL in a while. She got a fourth dog a few weeks ago.

[TheOtherMe]

Have you resigned as POA, etc?

[Bonny]

Feb 15, 2020 13:06:01 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Have you resigned as POA, etc?

I sent an e-mail but I don't think anyone has done anything about it, e.g. let Kaiser know I'm no longer the personal representative. I don't know how legally binding an e-mail is. I don't think anyone can make me act as POA.

[TheOtherMe]

Kind of like my "acting" as financial POA based on a note signed by my sister because she doesn't do phone calls.  

I know I didn't do anything wrong and things had to get done and she could not do them.

I am not doing any of her executor duties.  She did have to make one phone call that didn't go well.  She asked me how I made all the phone calls.  I have dealt with those people before and there are extremely difficult to deal with.  I did have legal authority to talk to that place as long as dad was alive.  Once he died, they would only talk to the executor after they received a fax of the paperwork.  So that ball went to her.

I'm sorry this is so difficult.  Dealing with elderly parents is so difficult.

[Deleted]

TheOtherMe I'm the elderly parent and hope I don't get difficult! I have a book called "I'm Dead. Now What?" that has sections for instructions regarding money, insurance, who should be notified and their email, snail mail addresses and phone numbers, what accounts I have and where including account numbers, and all kinds of other stuff, like who gets dibs on my personal stuff.  DD and DS both know about it so that if I should have a debilitating stroke or become otherwise disabled before I assume room temperature, they'll know how to find info on what needs to be paid, what's paid by automatic debit, what accounts to close.

DD has a medical POA and another POA--I forgot what it's called--in case she needs to act on my behalf for anything else, and she's a joint tenant on my checking and savings accounts.

I hope nothing's been left undone and hope I don't turn into a nut case who wanders off barefoot in the night!

[TheOtherMe]

I had compiled the information needed for my dad.  My sister never asked for it.

Dad had dementia.  It was difficult because until it became an emergency, I could not get my sister to see it.  I spent about 18 months trying my best to get her to understand how bad his dementia was.  I did not succeed.

She had all of the POAs so all I could do was sit back and let it become an emergency.

I have PTSD from her failure to comprehend the seriousness of his situation and watching him decline.  I also have PTSD over the time in his life from when he became an emergency hospital admission and the hospital would only release him to a nursing home until his death.

[Bonny]

I spoke to my brother yesterday after he visited Dad. Supposedly Dad has talked my brother into opening a bank account for him. And supposedly he's asked my brother to be the medical representative. My brother doesn't think Dad is going to last long. Thinks the fight is out of him.

While I have mixed feelings about all of this I think it's for the best. I've warned my brother what he can expect from Dad; e.g. the accusations et cetera. I didn't ask if Dad made him executor and beneficiary and what he's in for. I will at some point.

The next step is whether the girlfriend will take him at discharge. I hope my brother has thought about her dumping Dad on him.

[finnime]

That sounds good, Bonny, that your DB is stepping in. You've done all you could and more.

[countrygirl2]

I know this doesn't help you. But problems like this with elderly are quite common.  they lose their abilities or they get someone like GF manipulating them.  Or course it doesn't stop your anxiety or anything. And many times no appreciation of all kids do to try and help them. They are afraid to let go of money, afraid they will be dependent, afraid to give up their home, afraid they won't have someplace to live.  But in many cases they are just afraid.

My MIL kept saying I wanted her house, that was her reason for us having to put her in a home. That house sat vacant a year or two before we even did anything. She didn't realize she didn't own it that half was hubs and half was her former DIL. Now she is far enough gone that some of the questions she asked are no longer there. She on occasion will ask if she has enough money to pay for where she is living and we just say yes.  She cannot even figure out what town she is living in.

I don't know if your dad is having mental decline, likely, or just problems from his companion or some of both.  Sad for him and you.

I understand your angst but what you are doing is about all you can do.  It's sad for it to all end like that and leaves us with scars. 

Take care of yourself, I cannot say don't let it bother you because it will. Just try and tell yourself, you have done all you can.  It's good you have this place to talk, its neutral territory and helps one to unload without getting friends or family involved. Take care of yourself and try to remain calm, yes, easier said then done.

[snapdragon]

Dad is staying in the hospital for who knows how long. He has a 2nd type of cancer and they are trying chemo to decrease the tumors so they can attempt to operate. But things are not looking good. He had me call family and close friends Friday night. 

[taz157]

Feb 17, 2020 17:02:15 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Dad is staying in the hospital for who knows how long. He has a 2nd type of cancer and they are trying chemo to decrease the tumors so they can attempt to operate. But things are not looking good. He had me call family and close friends Friday night. 

((((Hugs))))