azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 20, 2022 6:14:52 GMT -5
Finding mental health support for them is even more difficult than finding my own. Our school only has a part-time counselor who is booked solid. Plus, I feel a little iffy about taking a spot if there was one because it's free and my insurance coverage is 100% for anyone in network, so I feel like I should leave a spot for others who need it and can't pay. And it's not lost on me that they are likely picking up the tension at home making everything worse for them even though we don't fight in front of them.
DD9 melted down for over an hour after school. So many things stacking up in her head and she's not wrong about most of them. She's completely over writing each spelling word 5 times with each letter in a different color. She calls it busy work esp the color part. So I said, I'd tell the teacher that we chose just to write them for the rest of the year because that seems like an easy compromise and a way to take something off DDs plate. DD freaked out bc that's breaking the rules, asking for special treatment, etc. Maybe, but for all the right reasons and I stand by it and think the teacher would be meh about it as I've been very open about DDs struggles this year. Then, she has a final draft of a story due and in copying it in pen, she messed up a line and either has to cross it out or start over - neither acceptable choices to her - ie not perfect. Well, she doesn't know about white out and erasable pens, so I was able to course correct that issue. They started long division in math, she thinks it's fun and sails thru it. Then, she attempts to help her friends, 4 of whom are literally crying every day in math class. 4 just like her that put way too much pressure on themselves. I could name them without her telling me bc they did the same in bball. So DD tries to help them but can't because they're so caught up in emotions, math is stupid, etc that they can't possibly think/learn. If nothing else, DD was able to see an example of this outside of herself bc she does the same about certain homework and then I can't help her. I told her I'm glad that she wants to help her friends but she's can't take on their emotions esp right now when she's already stressed. By then, it was time to leave for DD13 to volunteer with special olympics (something that she just started and is filling her cup each week) and for my first softball game in 6 years. It just got too hard to drag both young kids along and coordinate timing every week so I stopped playing even though I loved it. But someone asked me to play a couple weeks ago, and I was like yeah, you know what, I can leave the kids at home now or they can choose to come with me, and I can fit in two hours per week for myself even though it means stuffing one more thing on our calendar. Plus, Lord knows I need the physical activity.
Anyway, it was clear DD9 wasn't past the possible tears so we gathered her stuff too including a stuffed animal and she came along. DH pretty much watched all of this go down but only managed to say something about how he can't understand why she cries about every little thing. Uh, uh, nope, completely wrong answer and I'll likely get a "woe is me, that you think so little of me that I can't be left with a crying kid" but mama bear knows what she knows.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 20, 2022 6:18:49 GMT -5
DD9 was iffy about going but DD13 joined in teasing me about playing old lady ball and that lightened the mood. FWIW, I didn't embarrass myself on the field like I was worried I might. They put me at third and I made two throws to first and another to second. I went 1-3 batting but the two were outfield pop flies that were caught. DD9 caught several of the slow pitch rule changes compared to her league and was asking questions in between innings. DD13 finished just as we did - their school backs to the park for this league - and she was genuinely disappointed to miss cheering for me which was very sweet.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 20, 2022 6:29:37 GMT -5
I think that what you did was a great help to your girls, letting them focus on supporting you as you play ball. That gets them outside themselves. A good antidote to overwhelming anxiety and general angst.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 20, 2022 7:58:49 GMT -5
I became aware of just how much kids pick up on tension of the parents with the Toddler and the war in Ukraine.
His parents have been watching online 24/7 for much of the time, switching off time to sleep, etc. Toddler has become very, very clingy with them and he has never been like that. He has no way of understanding all of this but he knows his parents are tense.
Now grandma is to arrive today. She and NIL don't get along living together. DN1 said there will be a big battle within 48 hours.
I asked if I should still come and both of them said yes, that they think my presence will put her on her best behavior when I am there. At least I have the guest suite for my retreat space.
I was already going to insist that they have date night every night I'm there. I am going to suggest that and am more than will to take care of the Toddler.
I have only met the MIL at the wedding. Of course, she was very gracious to me.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 20, 2022 9:53:33 GMT -5
We don't ever watch the news since having children. They still hear plenty about Ukraine at school. Both have asked if the war could come here - I couldn't tell them no without losing trust so I put it in age appropriate terms. Adding a war to the end of covid has done no one any mental health favors.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 20, 2022 15:07:28 GMT -5
azucena - have you looked at, or asked therapists for cash pay spots? I was hitting dead ends, but then a place called and while the waiting list was months out, if I could pay cash I could start right away. Kinda sus, but I cant fight that battle right now. We went with another therapist, but she doesn't accept insurance at all. She sends a bill that I can submit for out of network benefits for whatever that's worth. It sucks to have to do that, but I was willing to do it to get dd in asap. Dd started asking if therapy was expensive and it is! But I told her that if we ever can't afford this therapist I'll tell her, and we will work to find one someone covered by insurance.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Apr 20, 2022 16:13:51 GMT -5
I'm seriously enjoying having another puppy in the house. This one is SO bouncy. And a bit naughty. I found out today that her mother was an alpha, and she tends to "make" alpha little girls, so we'll see how she acts as she grows up. I'm thinking when I retire I should volunteer at a local animal shelter. Hanging out with a puppy just plain puts a smile on my face. I told the breeder I got her from that she's got the best job in the world, working with dogs & puppies all day long.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 20, 2022 19:34:36 GMT -5
DD9 took a mental health day today - her 4 since Feb. We focused on rest, hobbies, taking a walk, and watching a cute animal program. Then, she lost it after dinner at the prospect of makeup homework and going back to school tomorrow. Left voicemails with counselors again begging for next available appts. Good to know about cash payments. I called my work EAP number tonight and they will have someone call within 3-5 days to schedule 3-5 bridge sessions for her. I sent them out to the library with DH and now I'm letting it all out. Meanwhile, I'm so behind at work because I've been dealing with losing a teammate and trying to get management to see that we're all burning out under the workload. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I took a 2 hour power nap from 3 to 5 today and woke up feeling better only to get hit by DD9s emotions. And then DD13 is so stressed about the musical that opens in 12 days that she's ill-prepared for because they are only having weekly rehearsals.
I have a client mtg at 8 am that I'm totally unprepared for and will need to ask for an extension.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Apr 20, 2022 19:57:47 GMT -5
DD9 took a mental health day today - her 4 since Feb. We focused on rest, hobbies, taking a walk, and watching a cute animal program. Then, she lost it after dinner at the prospect of makeup homework and going back to school tomorrow. Left voicemails with counselors again begging for next available appts. Good to know about cash payments. I called my work EAP number tonight and they will have someone call within 3-5 days to schedule 3-5 bridge sessions for her. I sent them out to the library with DH and now I'm letting it all out. Meanwhile, I'm so behind at work because I've been dealing with losing a teammate and trying to get management to see that we're all burning out under the workload. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I took a 2 hour power nap from 3 to 5 today and woke up feeling better only to get hit by DD9s emotions. And then DD13 is so stressed about the musical that opens in 12 days that she's ill-prepared for because they are only having weekly rehearsals.
I have a client mtg at 8 am that I'm totally unprepared for and will need to ask for an extension.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Apr 20, 2022 20:41:29 GMT -5
<HUGS> azucena. I just don't know sometimes why when it rains, it pours. Everything at once. But, this too shall pass. They have FINALLY scheduled my relative's surgery. We've been waiting since at least January. And now, less than 24 hours later, I get a call that they're finally scheduling once again for the major dental work he needs done (lots of extractions). Covid has postponed so much here that now when things are getting scheduled once again, it's turning into a mess. Not to mention, he'll need to be off of certain medications before all of this work is done. And, because I'm first contact, I get to be everything to everyone. I don't know what's wrong with the nursing home's switchboard, but it's hard to get calls thru, so I end up getting involved with making sure everyone can reach everyone. It's difficult sometimes to be a responsible adult.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 20, 2022 20:57:35 GMT -5
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Apr 20, 2022 21:18:10 GMT -5
azucena I'm sorry you have so much going on all at once. Hopefully your EAP will be able to help.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Apr 21, 2022 4:45:10 GMT -5
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ners
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Post by ners on Apr 21, 2022 6:19:07 GMT -5
azucena Hope your daughters can get the help they need. busymom Hope things work out for your relative.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 21, 2022 7:32:50 GMT -5
You're in a torrent of demands, azucena. I hope your DDs can find some relief, and you, too. You, too, busymom. I hope all goes well and easily for your relative and for you.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 22, 2022 6:36:29 GMT -5
Big to all.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 22, 2022 9:47:58 GMT -5
Had a good talk with DD9s teacher this morning. Fortunately, she's great and can also personally relate to the perfectionist/anxiety tendencies. We'll continue to work together to support DD. DD finished her sewing crafts, so I think I'll take her to the craft store after school to get a few more. Those plastic canvas needlepoints with yarn are her jam right now esp if they are color coded.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Apr 22, 2022 15:47:56 GMT -5
I love plastic canvas and needle crafts. I really want to get my hobby hole done so I can find all my stuff and work on some of it again. DH has been busy outside because the weather's been nice. When it gets too hot to be out there, he'll start on the hobby hole again.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 22, 2022 17:08:22 GMT -5
I am happy I got in to genealogy for many reasons. One of the best reasons is that it gives me something to focus on besides myself. That definitely helps my mental health.
Sometimes if things have gotten rough, I can bring myself out of it by doing research. Sometimes I've gone too far down the hole, and it doesn't work.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 27, 2022 8:00:58 GMT -5
Managed to snag a counseling appt for DD9 this evening. No exaggeration when I say that I made at least 40 phone calls. Got a little nervous that this one had an opening a couple days later. Looked her up - she's a counselor in training. Mentioned this to my counselor in yesterday's appt and she said not to worry that they have plenty of oversight. Filled out pages and pages of forms. Felt a little stigma putting anxiety in DD's permanent medical file but it is what it is. Was able to make notes that DH needs support understanding the anxiety. Came into work this morning and got the satisfaction survey from EAP - yeah, blew that shit up since they haven't set anything up for us at all. Left a huge note at the bottom saying don't bother to call me as I found my own support. DD's current craft is latch hook. She recognized it at the store from having seen her friend do it. Sure enough she completed one already and gifted it to her teacher More kits coming from amazon tomorrow.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 27, 2022 8:19:58 GMT -5
That's great news, that you were able to find some help for your DD, azucena. My DS suffered from anxiety in school. It is a real burden for a kid. Any tools and resources you can provide them to manage it are good. Just knowing that help is available is a strong positive. They aren't alone.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 27, 2022 11:32:52 GMT -5
azucena I am happy you were able to find an appointment for your daughter. I've told you I had that kind of anxiety as a kid and there wasn't much in the way of help. Maybe I would not have developed what I now have if things had been resolved at that age.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Apr 27, 2022 16:21:46 GMT -5
I'm so happy you found someone azucena! And I'm so happy she is enjoying latch hook. I think anyone not directly impacted by anxiety struggles to deal with it. DH could never understand (and still doesn't) that crying is just a sign of how anxious I am and that I can't control it. When I get to that point, trying to calm me down won't work. I have to just let it go and go through it. He wants to fix things, which I understand. It's a struggle for him to just watch. In a way, that makes it worse because I know how much it bothers him when I get all wound up and lose control. Hopefully your DH can understand how anxiety can feed into itself and spiral.
Hugs to you!
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 28, 2022 7:19:49 GMT -5
The appt could not have gone better. The counselor was so great with DD9 and has the cutest office set up for all kinds of play therapy. DD9 was able to explain some of her biggest worries and even got comfortable enough for us to leave the room. I could tell that she felt part of the weight lifting as she realized how much this could help. Before and after the appt, DD shared some more of the things that have been bothering her.
Apparently they brushed thru male/female anatomy in health class a couple of weeks ago which stirred up all kinds of playground talk leaving several of her closest friends asking for more explanations. We have given DD most of the facts and continue to answer questions and loop in/out of the topic. DD has followed our guidance to tell her friends to ask their parents directly about those topics. One girl was able to get answers at home; two others were told they are too young. Meanwhile, another girl is holding court telling who knows what. And a few of the boys are just generally taunting the girls about stuff. Am I out of line to think we should have gotten a heads up on the topic from the health teacher? 3rd grade is pretty young and I can't tell exactly what was taught vs all the side conversations. We have to sign off on the real puberty conversation at the beg of 5th grade, and we just got an email this week from the 8th grade teacher saying they were heading into that type of unit and encouraging us to ask/answer questions. I struggle with the line between being an involved parent, protecting my kid, helicoptering, and being the squeaky wheel. My gut says to email and ask about it and alert the homeroom teacher about the playground stuff. I'm also slightly inclined to give two girls' moms a heads up that this is why their girls are asking and how we've found having the awkward conversations early and often help prevent misinformation and then just let it go. Just this week, DD13 ran by me the theory that if you have two partners in one night that can prevent pregnancy. She was pretty sure that was ridiculous but did just like I've taught - check in with me. I looped that conversation into all the other crazy playground myths I've heard thru the years. DD9's other worries last night included what if these friends aren't taught before they start their periods to which I said then you be a good friend and get them thru the logistics, encourage the conversations with their parents again, and loop me in to help figure it out together. Another whole topic was giving birth and how scary that is. A bit of that was she didn't fully follow our previous talks so we revisited some facts, I answered a ton of questions, and I tried to get her to set that worry aside for her 20/30-something self. I had no idea that was floating around in her head. I was able to explain that there are all kinds of family planning ways - that was a new topic that I kept high level. I confirmed that we are not having any more children and that birth can be an amazing experience. On a lighter note, there were lots of questions about zits bc she's watching DD13 navigate that right now. Blessed hormones.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 28, 2022 9:23:00 GMT -5
So glad the therapist/therapy is working out for your DD!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 28, 2022 10:30:09 GMT -5
As the kid who held neighborhood court correcting everything my fellow 9 year old said wrong about puberty I'm going to say it's 100% normal and not to get involved beyond correcting your own kids.
You also don't know how much is coming from the parents as mine found out when hers showed up on our doorstep. They may not appreciate you calling to discuss that particular topic.
I can't save other kids from themselves. I focus on making sure my girls get the right information.
And talking about it is normal. 9 is around the age we started noticing body changes. It was weird boys were now weird. Of course we all compared notes and gave each other the side eye.
Tampons making you a non virgin was a big one in my day. I'm very sad to say my 48 year old husband asked that question.
If it's getting into actual sexual harassment I'd step in. If it's boys go to Jupiter type stuff I'd let it be. We all grew out of it eventually.
As far as health Ed being in an Uber red state yes they have to send out permission slips anytime class even comes close to the topic. I have no idea about other states.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 2, 2022 11:25:33 GMT -5
Barely got her off to school this morning. She was sobbing and begging not to go. 17 more days; 3 more Mondays.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 2, 2022 12:59:57 GMT -5
I'm so sorry she's having such a hard time, azucena. Maybe the therapist can help with some tools to step away from the brink. Hugs to her, and to you, momma.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on May 2, 2022 13:34:17 GMT -5
I'm sorry azucena . This breaks my heart because my "Sunday night blues" have become debilitating at this point, and your DD is so young. My DS3 struggled terribly with anxiety in HS. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) He saw a therapist for 2 years in HS. We drove past her office last time he was home. DS3 told us, I have SUCH wonderful memories of my time with A, she helped me SO MUCH! I'm sure your therapist will help your DD. One thing I wanted to suggest ... might it be easier on both of you for your DD to do some tele-health sessions, just because they'd probably be easier to schedule than an in-person session? Or maybe it could become a possibility once they get to know each other better in person? Just a thought, because I know how crazy busy you are. (I have always been very reluctant to post on this thread because my issue is anxiety rather than depression, but I wanted to respond to Azucena's post.)
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busymom
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Post by busymom on May 2, 2022 15:11:00 GMT -5
I'm sorry azucena . This breaks my heart because my "Sunday night blues" have become debilitating at this point, and your DD is so young. My DS3 struggled terribly with anxiety in HS. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) He saw a therapist for 2 years in HS. We drove past her office last time he was home. DS3 told us, I have SUCH wonderful memories of my time with A, she helped me SO MUCH! I'm sure your therapist will help your DD. One thing I wanted to suggest ... might it be easier on both of you for your DD to do some tele-health sessions, just because they'd probably be easier to schedule than an in-person session? Or maybe it could become a possibility once they get to know each other better in person? Just a thought, because I know how crazy busy you are. (I have always been very reluctant to post on this thread because my issue is anxiety rather than depression, but I wanted to respond to Azucena's post.) Everyone is welcome here. Whether you have your own struggles, or have someone close to you who is.
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