giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 20, 2017 14:52:36 GMT -5
Last month my not quite 5 year old DD was invited to her first sleepover. My older girl also had a sleepover that night. Unfortunately, my DH was in Pittsburgh! That was the first night I have been alone in my own home since 2008. I picked up a steak from Longhorn's, drank half a bottle of red wine, watched Netflix, and slept. It was heavenly!!! I go to a "quilting" retreat every year for 3ish days/nights.. It's pretty expensive at $350 or so. But, for that, I get mostly cooked meals (we have to cook one dinner with a partner) and a double bed all to myself. I get to talk to who I want, when I want. If I don't want to talk...I don't. I don't really quilt. I usually bring along some other handwork though. Last year, I finished a small doily and quipped that I spent 350 to finish a $3 project. I won't even pretend that it refreshes me. Because it doesn't. But at least it keeps me from going over the edge. That said, I do agree that Ava's friends are selfish. We've never had anyone ask to join us for holidays. But, I wouldn't turn them down as long as they were willing to tolerate the organized chaos in our house.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 20, 2017 14:57:58 GMT -5
My holidays are kinda a disaster with my inlaws, and my family and running around, or having 20 people in our house trying not to talk about politics or religion. Sorry that I won't add another face into that crowd. You should be thankful.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 20, 2017 15:00:30 GMT -5
You are welcome to come to mine if you don't mind discussing absurd conspiracy theories that my brother has read about on the internet. Last year was chemtrails. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/crazy.gif)
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Jul 20, 2017 15:00:33 GMT -5
Why all the kid talk?
Does Ava s friend have any?
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 20, 2017 15:06:57 GMT -5
Why all the kid talk? Does Ava s friend have any? Well, she said family in her posts, so that implies kids. I've spent countless weekends and holidays on my own while they are with their families. I've even called to ask if I can join but they are busy and can't host me.
So I only see them for birthdays, barbecues, etc.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 20, 2017 15:15:40 GMT -5
Maybe they meant their Mom and Dad or their sister. Is that so wrong?
Why they wouldn't include you? Maybe they are ashamed of their family, or maybe you just wouldn't fit in. I hate when my friends are around my family. I feel like a teenager who needs to hide part of themselves.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 20, 2017 15:19:11 GMT -5
Maybe they meant their Mom and Dad or their sister. Is that so wrong? Why they wouldn't include you? Maybe they are ashamed of their family, or maybe you just wouldn't fit in. I hate when my friends are around my family. I feel like a teenager who needs to hide part of themselves. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif) DH almost considered running away the first time he met my family.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 15:21:40 GMT -5
I honestly cannot imagine turning down a friend with no family in the area that calls me up asking if she could spend the holidays with my family. I mean, I would rather be alone than go to any family gathering myself (even my own!), but I know I am an introverted, anti-social hermit and not everyone is like me. My Dad and Stepmom have a single friend that has been going to their gatherings for so long that I always thought she was a relative. I am 48 years old and just realized not too long ago that she wasn't!
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 20, 2017 15:22:42 GMT -5
You guys should come hang out with my family. Lots of food and drink and tons of laughs. Everyone gets along for the most part. Be warned that there will be inappropriate jokes but they'll be funny usually. All are welcome and you'll have a really good time.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 20, 2017 15:28:55 GMT -5
I honestly cannot imagine turning down a friend with no family in the area that calls me up asking if she could spend the holidays with my family. I mean, I would rather be alone than go to any family gathering myself (even my own!), but I know I am an introverted, anti-social hermit and not everyone is like me. My Dad and Stepmom have a single friend that has been going to their gatherings for so long that I always thought she was a relative. I am 48 years old and just realized not too long ago that she wasn't! I can't really imaging turning anyone down either. And even though I know my MIL or my sister or my mom would also agree to host anyone I bring with me, it would feel kinda weird. Our relationship with my BIL has always been so weird and awkward, I would never ask. Not showing up would probably be worse.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 20, 2017 15:38:00 GMT -5
When I was single, I never asked to a holiday gathering, but I was invited to some. But I have no problem with my own company, and more than one holiday I celebrated by myself. I have also traveled by myself, gone to the movies alone and gone out to dinner alone as well. I figured I wanted to go, and if I couldn't find anyone to go with me, I'd go by myself, dammit!
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Jul 20, 2017 15:39:40 GMT -5
Maybe they meant their Mom and Dad or their sister. Is that so wrong? Why they wouldn't include you? Maybe they are ashamed of their family, or maybe you just wouldn't fit in. I hate when my friends are around my family. I feel like a teenager who needs to hide part of themselves. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif) DH almost considered running away the first time he met my family. I'm with him. When I met Dh's family en masse, it was ....chaotic, to say the least. He has 4 brothers and 1 sister and I have 1 sister. To say my family is small and a bit quiet is to put it mildly. My sister did the same thing and married into a large family as well. Why, we don't know.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 15:42:57 GMT -5
I honestly cannot imagine turning down a friend with no family in the area that calls me up asking if she could spend the holidays with my family. I mean, I would rather be alone than go to any family gathering myself (even my own!), but I know I am an introverted, anti-social hermit and not everyone is like me. My Dad and Stepmom have a single friend that has been going to their gatherings for so long that I always thought she was a relative. I am 48 years old and just realized not too long ago that she wasn't! I can't really imaging turning anyone down either. And even though I know my MIL or my sister or my mom would also agree to host anyone I bring with me, it would feel kinda weird. Our relationship with my BIL has always been so weird and awkward, I would never ask. Not showing up would probably be worse. Taking someone with to another family member's gathering might be kind of awkward, but it sounds like she's getting turned down to be at her friend's house? I don't know. Maybe she did mean she wanted them to take her with somewhere.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 20, 2017 15:47:14 GMT -5
Maybe they meant their Mom and Dad or their sister. Is that so wrong? Why they wouldn't include you? Maybe they are ashamed of their family, or maybe you just wouldn't fit in. I hate when my friends are around my family. I feel like a teenager who needs to hide part of themselves. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif) DH almost considered running away the first time he met my family. so glad I don't have to deal with X's family anymore. Good Lord, passive aggression is a career with them!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 20, 2017 16:04:23 GMT -5
![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif) DH almost considered running away the first time he met my family. I'm with him. When I met Dh's family en masse, it was ....chaotic, to say the least. He has 4 brothers and 1 sister and I have 1 sister. To say my family is small and a bit quiet is to put it mildly. My sister did the same thing and married into a large family as well. Why, we don't know. My family is tiny. But we are very loud and my brother can be rather bat poop crazy.
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dee27
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Post by dee27 on Jul 20, 2017 19:26:37 GMT -5
I always had a mixed age group of friends, and both singles and couples were invited any time friends were invited to the house. Only Christmas Eve was reserved for close family, but I have invited casual acquaintances who were alone to other holiday meals. There is always room at my table.
However, when we all had kids, it became difficult to spend time together when our schedules did not mesh and the time demand for kids' activities took priority. Truly great friends last a lifetime, but there are people who merely pass through our lives.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Jul 20, 2017 19:34:11 GMT -5
Hi, I'm back and I've calmed down. A little background; there's very few people from my country of birth where I live. So we tend to stick together, until recently. There are two main groups where I live, two different families, who actually met through me. Over the years they would celebrate holidays, birthdays, summer barbecues, etc. Between the two couples and their adult children - there are no small children involved - and me, plus the kids' friends, partners, etc. It was a lively group. Now the two couples have fallen apart. I don't know the details and I do not want to know. As a consequence, they do not spend holidays, birthdays, etc. as a group anymore. My situation is basically collateral damage. The kids are grown and living in different states, so they show up once or twice a year. I go to Facebook and I see one of the couples went out to a lake for the 4th of July, the other couple went to visit an old town in their motorcycles. So I spent the 4th of July at home, alone. It felt very weird. Go back 18 months when their falling apart started and I explained to both families, as they already know, I don't have any family of my own here and please include me for some activities. But they just don't. Well then don't call me the minute your husband travels for work and you feel lonely. How do you think I feel on weekends or holidays. I'm looking for new friends and going out as the CPA exam allows, which is not much. I plan to ramp up my social life once I'm done with the exam. The vent was mostly because it's not the first time I come across this type of situation. Some people seem to think it's alright to call a single woman last minute, or call only when you need her, because what else does she have to do. I'm not disposable. This person calls me 7 am because hubby is away and can I come over. No, it turns out that I can't. Just a week ago someone I reconnected with through Linkedin also acted like my time, wants and needs don't matter. She mentioned she'd never been to Broadway. I said I love Broadway and she said let's go together. I said great, let's do it. Then the plans started changing and revolving around her schedule, her husband - the one that refuses to accompany her to NYC for a day so she can finally go to Broadway- and her son, who's is not a baby, he's 14. So in the end we would have to go to a matinee, take the train from her town that has horrible service to NYC, leaving at 7 am to make it in time for said matinee, and come back early because her husband and child needed her. I love Broadway at night, I love to take the train from another town that has better service to the city. As the plan kept changing, always revolving around her family's needs, I told her, let me stop you right there, this will not work for me. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I'm confident I'll make new friends and go out more once I get out of this horrible exam.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Jul 20, 2017 21:11:54 GMT -5
Some friendships aren't worth trying to save.
Good luck finding new ones.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 20, 2017 21:36:37 GMT -5
![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif) DH almost considered running away the first time he met my family. I'm with him. When I met Dh's family en masse, it was ....chaotic, to say the least. He has 4 brothers and 1 sister and I have 1 sister. To say my family is small and a bit quiet is to put it mildly. My sister did the same thing and married into a large family as well. Why, we don't know. I have always lived with an enormous family. So when people say things like that it seems so weird to me. I forget that not everybody grew up like the family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 21:41:16 GMT -5
I'm with him. When I met Dh's family en masse, it was ....chaotic, to say the least. He has 4 brothers and 1 sister and I have 1 sister. To say my family is small and a bit quiet is to put it mildly. My sister did the same thing and married into a large family as well. Why, we don't know. I have always lived with an enormous family. So when people say things like that it seems so weird to me. I forget that not everybody grew up like the family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. My family is the same and my ex's is even more ginormous. Between ex and I we had 140 first cousins...not counting their spouses. So our wedding was huge.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 21, 2017 6:16:13 GMT -5
Maybe they meant their Mom and Dad or their sister. Is that so wrong? Why they wouldn't include you? Maybe they are ashamed of their family, or maybe you just wouldn't fit in. I hate when my friends are around my family. I feel like a teenager who needs to hide part of themselves. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif) DH almost considered running away the first time he met my family. How does your family feel about him?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 21, 2017 7:56:32 GMT -5
I can't really imaging turning anyone down either. And even though I know my MIL or my sister or my mom would also agree to host anyone I bring with me, it would feel kinda weird. Our relationship with my BIL has always been so weird and awkward, I would never ask. Not showing up would probably be worse. Taking someone with to another family member's gathering might be kind of awkward, but it sounds like she's getting turned down to be at her friend's house? I don't know. Maybe she did mean she wanted them to take her with somewhere. If I'm hosting my attitude is "the more the merrier". One or two more tossed in won't make a difference. But if I am going to someone else's home I would think if rude to ask if I can bring someone. Especially since not everyone has my attitude. I
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 21, 2017 7:58:08 GMT -5
I'm with him. When I met Dh's family en masse, it was ....chaotic, to say the least. He has 4 brothers and 1 sister and I have 1 sister. To say my family is small and a bit quiet is to put it mildly. My sister did the same thing and married into a large family as well. Why, we don't know. I have always lived with an enormous family. So when people say things like that it seems so weird to me. I forget that not everybody grew up like the family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. My mom comes from a huge family. She is one of mine and most of her siblings have 5 or 6 kids. I'm an only child so I was always envious of my cousins with lots of siblings.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 21, 2017 8:06:24 GMT -5
I always say the more the merrier. I don't mind unexpected extras at my events. But that's how my whole family operates.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 21, 2017 8:06:38 GMT -5
Ava, I have to agree with what most of the other posters have said. You are at a different point than your friends and it makes it difficult.
When I was married the ex and I both worked full time, travelled, had to get the kids to all of their activities and maintain a household. It took a lot of planning and effort for just he and I to get to have a date night, let alone me going out with friends.
When I first got married my friends and I would try to get together one night a month. Then we all had kids and it turned into once a quarter. Then the kids got older and it turned into 1-2 times a year. It wasn't that we didn't care about each other but we were all so damn busy
Once I became single I had alone time for the first time in 20 years. On the nights my ex had my kids I could go out. But my friends weren't suddenly single and I couldn't expect them to ditch their obligations to go out with me. So I found new people to go out with. My old friends still mean a lot to me and eventually we will be in the same place again.
So after all that rambling I guess my point is that eventually you will be in the same place as your friends and hopefully they will have more time. Don't write them off but find new friends, too
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 21, 2017 8:16:15 GMT -5
I always say the more the merrier. I don't mind unexpected extras at my events. But that's how my whole family operates.
expect to have lots of conversations about hunting and escapades at hunting camp, but they're good people.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 21, 2017 9:24:14 GMT -5
Time management definitely becomes challenging when someone adds kids into the mix and that could be the issue here. But there are other people who are just really unaware or uncaring of others' schedules. Like this one woman I know who is retired. She and her husband have zero set volunteer, work or family (no kids, no local relatives) commitments but she's the biggest PITA ever when the group tries to schedule outings. A friend and I invited her to join us for something we'd planned. The friend and I both work, have kids and have fairly extensive volunteer commitments so fitting things into the schedule requires flexibility and good will. Here's a paraphrase of this retired woman's response to join us on the outing that we'd already scheduled:
Oh, I'd love to go to ____ with you guys! But can we change it from Wednesday to Thursday? [My husband] prefers to go for a long bike ride on Wednesday mornings and when he does that I have to be at home in case he has a problem and calls me. And then we like to go to the grocery store on mid-day Wednesday since they get their new produce in around that time. Monday wouldn't work because that's the day I like to walk on the beach and [my husband] might go fishing. Friday is out of the question because I like to go to the library that day. Thursday morning might work if [husband] decides not to go on a bike ride but I'd need to be back by 2 to get the mail.
BTW, this is the extreme condensed version of her reply, which was an email that if printed would have been 2-3 pages long detailing her and her husband's schedule. No idea why she needed to fill us in on her husband's schedule since he wasn't part of the outing. I felt like replying to her something along the lines of this:
Sure, Anne and I would be glad to reschedule this for Thursday morning. My employees won't mind if I don't get their payroll done on time and the kids can just walk the six miles to school that day; we'll be sure to have you back by 2 so you can get your mail. Looking forward to it!
The point is that there are clueless/selfish people at all stages of life. Figure out if these friends are just temporarily overwhelmed by their schedule or are clueless/selfish and then make a decision on whether you want to continue to play the game.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 21, 2017 10:55:21 GMT -5
I think you are way overthinking things. People aren't always going to be available at the same time and that is ok. You want to hang out with your friends when your available and they want to hang out with you when they're available. They obviously care enough about you that they still want to hang out, even if it means you don't get a lot of notice and can't do it. It does not mean they think you are a lonely old woman with nothing better to do.
I'm guessing your work and school take priority over hanging out, so you're not always available at a moments notice. Does that make you a shitty friend, of course not. It is what it is. Friendships are not usually number 1 priority for people.
I don't even know what to say about not getting an invite to join a couple on a motorcycle ride on the 4th of July. Or getting invited to open presents on Christmas day. Seems odd to want to participate in these intimate family events.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 21, 2017 11:11:06 GMT -5
Time management definitely becomes challenging when someone adds kids into the mix and that could be the issue here. But there are other people who are just really unaware or uncaring of others' schedules. Like this one woman I know who is retired. She and her husband have zero set volunteer, work or family (no kids, no local relatives) commitments but she's the biggest PITA ever when the group tries to schedule outings. A friend and I invited her to join us for something we'd planned. The friend and I both work, have kids and have fairly extensive volunteer commitments so fitting things into the schedule requires flexibility and good will. Here's a paraphrase of this retired woman's response to join us on the outing that we'd already scheduled: Oh, I'd love to go to ____ with you guys! But can we change it from Wednesday to Thursday? [My husband] prefers to go for a long bike ride on Wednesday mornings and when he does that I have to be at home in case he has a problem and calls me. And then we like to go to the grocery store on mid-day Wednesday since they get their new produce in around that time. Monday wouldn't work because that's the day I like to walk on the beach and [my husband] might go fishing. Friday is out of the question because I like to go to the library that day. Thursday morning might work if [husband] decides not to go on a bike ride but I'd need to be back by 2 to get the mail. BTW, this is the extreme condensed version of her reply, which was an email that if printed would have been 2-3 pages long detailing her and her husband's schedule. No idea why she needed to fill us in on her husband's schedule since he wasn't part of the outing. I felt like replying to her something along the lines of this: Sure, Anne and I would be glad to reschedule this for Thursday morning. My employees won't mind if I don't get their payroll done on time and the kids can just walk the six miles to school that day; we'll be sure to have you back by 2 so you can get your mail. Looking forward to it! The point is that there are clueless/selfish people at all stages of life. Figure out if these friends are just temporarily overwhelmed by their schedule or are clueless/selfish and then make a decision on whether you want to continue to play the game. does her mail spontaneously combust if it isn't picked up by 2?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 21, 2017 11:14:41 GMT -5
I think you are way overthinking things. People aren't always going to be available at the same time and that is ok. You want to hang out with your friends when your available and they want to hang out with you when they're available. They obviously care enough about you that they still want to hang out, even if it means you don't get a lot of notice and can't do it. It does not mean they think you are a lonely old woman with nothing better to do. I'm guessing your work and school take priority over hanging out, so you're not always available at a moments notice. Does that make you a shitty friend, of course not. It is what it is. Friendships are not usually number 1 priority for people. I don't even know what to say about not getting an invite to join a couple on a motorcycle ride on the 4th of July. Or getting invited to open presents on Christmas day. Seems odd to want to participate in these intimate family events. who says these have to be intimate family moments? I'd love to open presents with my friends AND my family. So people who have no family are SOL on holidays? I get that it's like that for most people, but your friends can be your family if you want them to be.
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