Parents are not always right! #Update#

[swasat]

I am angry. VERY ANGRY. I just need this off my chest, hence I am venting here. tl;dr;

A cousin of mine is in the hospital. She suffered a stroke last week due to chronic stress. She is 42, has 2 young and kids and a supportive husband. She has always been a  high achiever - full scholarship in college, dual masters degrees, a very high paying job, a very happy marriage....and yet, YET she was the "ignored" child in her parents home.

My uncle and aunt and have 2 kids - cousin is the older and there is a younger brother. The brother - a useless piece of meat who exists to mooch off my uncle. My aunt died a few years ago, heartbroken at the behavior of her son, the shameless ways he mooched off them, he never held a job, yet drives high end cars and spends money like water. All because my uncle is obsessed with his son and cannot see past him. He used to acknowledge his sons behaviors but at the same time he expected everyone to forgive the guy and cater to him. This was a huge source of contention between aunt and uncle and eventually my aunt developed serious health conditions and passed away from those.

To the daughter - Poor girl was ever ignored. Her brother's problems were always bigger than her accomplishments. His messes were always catered to while she was expected to "hold her own" and "be the responsible one." She managed on her own, she never asked them for financial help and a few times she asked for physical help (like during her deliveries) she was denied because the parents were busy taking care of the messes created by the son. 

A few months ago my cousin was at her rope's end managing her life and off loaded herself to my uncle on the phone. Just vented you know, not ask for monetary or other help. And uncle goes off on her, telling her she is a complainy-pants. That set her off and she said all she could about the way they ignored her all thorugh the life, how brother got everything, attention, money, care, concern, while she was always expected to be the one to manage on her own. She is proud of herself for doing that, but some acknowledgement from the only surviving parent would have  been nice! Instead uncle told her that its her bad luck and the brother's good luck. It is what it is, she just needs to accept that she will ALWAYS be the one to get less.   There was a LOT more said to her. 

What parent says that to their own child? Specially the more responsible one? 

She was under so much mental stress from all of this for the last month or so. Was diagnosed with chronic stress, and last week suffered a stroke. What does my uncle say or do? FUCKING UNCLE calls her husband and asks if he needs to come and visit (uncle stays in a different city). YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE A PARENT STUPID UNCLE!! Go live with your asshole son and be miserable.

The adage is true I guess   The most deserving is also the most ignored.

My heart breaks for my cousin. She did all the right things and still got a short end of the stick from the parents. Her brother is the asshole of first degree and still apple of their father's eye.

/vent

[Green Eyed Lady]

I sort of know how your cousin feels, but in another way. I'm the "responsible" one so I'm the one who gets a lot of stuff dumped on me. It's also because I'm the one with no kids so I must have the time that others don't.  I had/have wonderful parents so I can't fully understand her pain.  It's just that the responsible one does usually "pay the price". 

The thing is, I'm an adult now. That doesn't mean this stuff doesn't hurt and that your cousin doesn't have the right to get the stuff off her chest. What is means is that she has to find a way to get past it all because it's not going to change. She needs to do this for her and not for anybody else.

All the best to her and I'll be praying for a full recovery.  I hope that she starts from Day One of that recovery realizing that things aren't going to change and it isn't worth the price of her health.

[emma1420]

I'm so sorry.  Sadly, I know more than one person who is in a similar situation (although none which have resulted in a stroke).  Where the screw-up child adsorbs all the time energy and attention from their parents, while the responsible kid is left to make things on their own.  However, at least half the time the parents at least know that their responsible kid is being short-changed, and/or have a wake-up moment.

It sucks.  I can relate in a small way as I was the oldest, and my brother was a screw-up during his teen's and most of his 20's, and it always felt like my accomplishments never mattered.  Luckily, for me, my brother found his wife and got settled and things got more evened out.

[Deleted]

For some reason this happens a lot.  I have lived this to a degree with stepbrothers and for sure with cousins...although this is more understandable since I'm just the niece and not official "daughter", but it still is frustrating.

Now, my Dad and stepmom are not like that at all to the kids.  Last year my half sister and half brother were having financial issues.  Things I would have not even known about.  Anyhow, they gifted money to them and surprised me on Mother's Day with a gift equal to what they had given each of them.  I was totally thrown for a loop.  I still have that 2K. 

[andi9899]

I'm the responsible one who is expected to hold my own while my sister is the hot mess who is catered to. My parents aren't that extreme though. But my sister is still coddled. She still lives at home at 37 rent free. I couldn't live with my parents again. I'm too independent for that.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It sucks. I can relate in a small way as I was the oldest, and my brother was a screw-up during his teen's and most of his 20's, and it always felt like my accomplishments never mattered



My brother and I were the ones that got into it with each other and we stopped speaking to each other for about a year.   My mom and I also got into it.  She admitted to me that they "screwed up" with my brother and apologized for taking for granted that I am the responsible one.

It was an uncomfortable conversation but an enlightening one.  I'm honestly surprised we had it considering we're not a family that is huge on communication and expressing our feelings unless you count yelling at each other on the front lawn.

That's when my brother moved to Colorado so his drama is two states away now rather than right across the street.  He's finally going to college and starting to turn his life around which has gone a long way towards improving relations between the four of us.

I will say that despite all the crap with my brother I do know that my parents care for me and are always there for me.  Not always in the same way but they are there for me.

I'm not sure what my response would have been if after I confessed my feelings to my mom she had told me tough taters and that my brother is her favorite so don't expect anything to come my way.

[Opti]

Instead uncle told her that its her bad luck and the brother's good luck. It is what it is, she just needs to accept that she will ALWAYS be the one to get less.

I feel bad for her, but hopefully once she recovers, she moves on and lets it go. Uncle has been displaying who he is for years. Does she really want to give him that power over her? There are lots of parents who favor the boy, or the most needed over the other children. It is usually for life. I get it hurts a lot. Nevertheless, she escaped she's on her own. Next time, I hope she looks for support from people who want to give it to her.

I hope going forward she chooses to live for her. If she became high achieving to win her Dad's love, its time to high achieve or not for herself. It's good she has you as support.

[sesfw]

I'm so sorry this is happening to your cousin.  Hoping for a speedy and complete recovery for her and her family.  I agree with others ..... hope she can work through this and realize that nothing will change.  For the sake of her health and that of her family ....... keep parental contact to a minimum.  I'm afraid the day will come when everyone will call her and 'need' her because of her strength.  She will have the horrible decision to make on the boundaries to set.

My parents had close to the same attitude between me and younger brother.  Dad died many years ago when brother was 27 and living with them.  He had served in the Navy, was not a success cuz mommy wasn't there to fight his battles.  Had a couple of marriages and several relationships that he took home to mommy.

Mom finally passed (2001) when he was 51 ..... and left him a trust of $100K and a new large mobile home that was paid for.  He went through the funds and lost his home within 3 years, then called me to bail him out of a financial difficulty.  Sorry bro ..... my personal income was SS and I couldn't afford him.

Since then he turned his life around, found a great lady and was smart enough to marry her.  They are doing well now.

This will sound terrible but the best thing mom did for bro was to die ........ and let him grow up.

[Bonny]

Another responsible one here. You've read my family trainwreck stories.

I do have a piece of positive news to share. Last week at age 82 my father finally told me he was proud of me and my "success". First time I ever recall him saying that. Throughout my life both of my parents wouldn't compliment me, only tell me how I could do something better.

[Shooby]

  That's a terrible shame.  However, they do no care about her.  They never will.  She should block their numbers and get them out of her life completely and stop hoping against hope that they are somehow going to come around.  They aren't going too.

[Miss Tequila]

I'm sorry that your cousin had a stroke. I wish her a speedy recovery

 Unfortunately she has an asshole for a father and nothing she says or does will change that. I would rather be the responsible one who succeeded in life than the fuck up who will be screwed once the parents die. I know it isn't fair that he is catered to and given money while she has had to work for everything she has, but that is life. I'm an only child but I had an alcoholic for a mother so I have been taking care of myself since I was about 15 years old. I can either get bitter because I didn't have the mother that I should have or I can accept that life is what it is and move on. I chose the latter. I can't change my mom (still sort of a fuck up) but I have to say that I am who I am because of how she was as a parent...and I like who I am

[weltschmerz]

I'm sorry, but what's a "heart stroke"?

[swasat]

May 8, 2017 14:04:21 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

I'm sorry, but what's a "heart stroke"?

My mistake. Meant to say stroke.

[weltschmerz]

May 8, 2017 14:05:48 GMT -5 swasat said:

May 8, 2017 14:04:21 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

I'm sorry, but what's a "heart stroke"?

My mistake. Meant to say stroke.

Thanks. How bad?

[swasat]

May 8, 2017 14:32:41 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

May 8, 2017 14:05:48 GMT -5 swasat said:

My mistake. Meant to say stroke.

Thanks. How bad?

Total loss of speech.

No sensation in right arm and right side of the face.

Blurred vision, but its getting better.

Some more comparatively minor things but I am blanking out.

The doctors say she will regain everything. I don't know the details on any timeline or if they gave any.

[weltschmerz]

With good rehab, she can regain most of it.

[MJ2.0]

I can't imagine willingly pushing my own child away like that. She is better off without him, but I'm sure he'll come crawling to her when he needs something. Prayers that she has a speedy recovery.

[swasat]

Uncle also accused her of being greedy   Sure, he has 3 times the money she does. But she has never asked him for anything. Or shown inclination towards his will or distribution of wealth. Or complained about making it entirely on her own.

If calling out the unfairness meted out to her is being greedy then I am immensely glad she is one! She should have become greedier much earlier.

[Shooby]

May 8, 2017 15:02:51 GMT -5 swasat said:

Uncle also accused her of being greedy   Sure, he has 3 times the money she does. But she has never asked him for anything. Or shown inclination towards his will or distribution of wealth. Or complained about making it entirely on her own.

If calling out the unfairness meted out to her is being greedy then I am immensely glad she is one! She should have become greedier much earlier.

Block him.

[Miss Tequila]

May 8, 2017 15:02:51 GMT -5 swasat said:

Uncle also accused her of being greedy   Sure, he has 3 times the money she does. But she has never asked him for anything. Or shown inclination towards his will or distribution of wealth. Or complained about making it entirely on her own.

If calling out the unfairness meted out to her is being greedy then I am immensely glad she is one! She should have become greedier much earlier.

She needs to focus on her and let go of her family. Yes, it would be great if everything was fair in life but it isn't. but she is no worse off than someone like me whose parents had squat. It sucks but she made it on her own and that is something that her brother can never say. That means a LOT! but she really needs to let go of the emotional baggage for her own well being.

[gooddecisions]

I don't know why it is so hard for some parents to just say I am proud of you.

But I also don't know why it is so hard for some folks to be proud of themselves. I hope your cousin has a full recovery and can look at the life she created and know that she did it right.

[Shooby]

She has 2 young kids and a supportive husband and a great career.  And, yes, she was the ignored child.  It is time for her to stop willingly being the Ignored child.   Her husband and kids and friends and job need her.  They are asshats who cannot love her.  I really think she should consider some counseling to help her get come to terms with that.  We will spend all kinds of money on our physical health but tend to neglect our emotional/mental/spiritual health.  And, now her physical health is being affected because of her emotional health.
  She needs to stop seeing herself as the ignored child who is still looking for love and approval that she won't get.  She needs to learn to see herself as a loving wife and mother and accomplished person and good person.  I hope that she not only recover physically but do the work to get beyond that mental/emotional anguish.  

[Jaguar]

Shit swasat that's so sad. Why are people so nasty to their own family, it's something I can't even relate to.

She needs to see herself as the worthy child/person, she's worth every good thing that is in her life and that has happened to her. She also needs to drop the toxic people from her life, and drop them like the bomb. You can't get shit all from toxic people, only grief.

I can't imagine my mom or any one in my family saying that to me, but then I'm more than capable of kicking major serious butt. And I know I was wanted.

I'm hoping and wishing her all the best and a speedy recovery.

[Deleted]

May 8, 2017 15:57:38 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  She needs to stop seeing herself as the ignored child who is still looking for love and approval that she won't get.  She needs to learn to see herself as a loving wife and mother and accomplished person and good person.  I hope that she not only recover physically but do the work to get beyond that mental/emotional anguish.  

I agree- some of the best decisions I've made in my life are getting away from toxic people (an ex-husband and a boss).  It would be harder with blood relatives but I see no upside to her maintaining contact with them.  It's just not worth it.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Agree with the chorus that cutting ties is likely the best way forward. Depending on what support she may get from dad and brother in the next few months. If nothing, easy to go on without them.

I'm not sure how responsible for the stroke the family background may be. It's a stretch too far for my mind.

[Deleted]

Although they may be related, I'm not sure it is fair to blame both the mom's death and the cousin's stroke on the uncle's preference for his son.

This isn't new.  I grew up in a generation where sons were prized.  Son were often sent to college while daughters weren't.  It would just be "wasted."  Daughters were (and still are to some extent) supposed to take care of their parents whereas sons get a pass.

My daughter was almost 18 before she got her first (used) car.  Her brother got his the day he turned 16.  Both my ex and his father (who paid for half) said my son "needed" a car while my daughter didn't.  Believe me that my daughter noticed.  But they weren't being "mean."  They just felt that way.

So this may be more than responsible vs. irresponsible.  It doesn't make it right, but it does make it cultural.  

Something to think about . . . 

[zibazinski]

Unfortunately it takes a long time for some to finally realize their parent or parents don't give a shit about them. I was in my 50's when I finally stopped giving a fuck. It was very freeing. I even told my mother how I felt. Of course she denied playing favorites or not giving two shits about me. But I just told her I understood she didn't see it but it's how I saw it and that's what mattered to me. When she died no one even cared. She'd alienated her entire family by then. The only ones who said nice things about her were people who didn't know the real person. DH was shocked that I didn't give a damn. He never said a word to me about it but I know he was.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 8, 2017 13:41:24 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  That's a terrible shame.  However, they do no care about her.  They never will.  She should block their numbers and get them out of her life completely and stop hoping against hope that they are somehow going to come around.  They aren't going too.

 x one million!!!  That was me to a T and I did what Shooby just recommended and so far no stroke or any health issues except what I was born with.  They on the other hand are all dead or so medicated (self or Rx or a combo) that they are Zombies.  Only people with penises got anything from anybody in our family.  I didn't have one.  But mom must have cared more than I thought since she left me more money than the rest of my worthless siblings and she made me the representative of her estate because deep down she knew what they really were.  She even told me that a couple of years before she died and told me she left me more because "She knew what I had to deal with with the 2 of them".  LOL! 

Swasat - vent and be angry but don't stroke out over this.  Please be there to listen to her when you have the time.  Be her advocate and let her know you see everything she is going through and take her side, validate her, and tell her how much you care for her.

Now she needs to get off the treadmill and learn to relax.  I finally jumped off at 39 and never looked back.  I've been very blessed/lucky and have the best DH so I WIN!!!  

[zibazinski]

May 8, 2017 17:54:56 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

May 8, 2017 13:41:24 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  That's a terrible shame.  However, they do no care about her.  They never will.  She should block their numbers and get them out of her life completely and stop hoping against hope that they are somehow going to come around.  They aren't going too.

 x one million!!!  That was me to a T and I did what Shooby just recommended and so far no stroke or any health issues except what I was born with.  They on the other hand are all dead or so medicated (self or Rx or a combo) that they are Zombies.  Only people with penises got anything from anybody in our family.  I didn't have one.  But mom must have cared more than I thought since she left me more money than the rest of my worthless siblings and she made me the representative of her estate because deep down she knew what they really were.  She even told me that a couple of years before she died and told me she left me more because "She knew what I had to deal with with the 2 of them".  LOL! 

Swasat - vent and be angry but don't stroke out over this.  Please be there to listen to her when you have the time.  Be her advocate and let her know you see everything she is going through and take her side, validate her, and tell her how much you care for her.

Now she needs to get off the treadmill and learn to relax.  I finally jumped off at 39 and never looked back.  I've been very blesses/lucky and have the best DH so I WIN!!!  

👍🏻👏🏻

[swasat]

Cousin lapsed into a coma yesterday. Its been bad, really bad.   I can't handle life right now. We are constantly with her, in and out of the hospital, helping her DH and kids and trying provide as much support as possible. 

Her heart is broken over her life situation. Yes, she can cut her father and brother out of her life. But she must go through the grieving process and acceptance must come with time. Its not going to be overnight. In the meantime, she suffers.

My heart hurts for her and I can't even.....