Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Apr 10, 2017 17:46:10 GMT -5
When I was growing up, I had the best group of friends through grade/HS/College. I still consider them my closest friends even though we all are spread out and don’t see each other as much. Not sure if I’m just more picky about who I spend my time with or if people are less tolerable, but there aren’t any people that we really move from “acquaintance” to “Friend”. Maybe it’s because you just interact with people a bit less than when you’re in HS or college. Now, everyone has small kids and we’re all busy so it’s not like you spend a lot of time getting to know people.
Still though, I just have a real hard time finding people that I’d want to spend a lot of time with. So many of the guys seem very apathetic and worn out. I wonder if my friends are like this now and, since I knew them when we were young, I give it a pass. I don’t think that’s the case, but it just seems like I run into more bumps on a log than I used to. Another reason is that being friends on Facebook gives you a little more insight into the type of person they might be instead of what you get to know in conversation. Here’s an example, we have known this couple for a year or so and, a few weeks back, we happened to all run in a local 10k race. My wife ran the entire distance with this girl and they finished within 1 second of each other. My wife basically just let her run ahead towards the end because she thought it would be weird to do an all-out sprint with someone you know. Later that day on Facebook, she gives a shout-out to herself for being the top women in the race…knowing my wife is friends with her on facebook. My wife just kinda chuckled, but she did make the comment that she could never see so and so (basically any of her good friends) doing that.
I know I shouldn’t let stuff like this rule people out for friendships, but I think I was spoiled with my friends growing up.
Is it just me? Does anyone else feel this way?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 10, 2017 18:01:37 GMT -5
The majority of our friend group from the college years all relocated to the same area, so the people I am close friends with today are the people I was close friends with 20 years ago. I've made a couple new friends since turning 30 through my writing group, but beyond that, there's really no one that has made it into the close circle of friends who wasn't already my friend when I was 25 or close friends with someone else I knew when I was 25.
I sometimes talk about moving to be closer to my mother and brother, but honestly, I can't imagine moving away from my chosen family of friends, who are amazing.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 10, 2017 19:50:13 GMT -5
I found out my friend of 35 years is straight up racist. I wish all she did was brag about beating me in a race.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Apr 10, 2017 20:04:54 GMT -5
Ouch thyme!
Maybe we just get to know people too deep too quickly these days.
You'll put up with a lot after several decades. Not one year.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Apr 10, 2017 20:21:30 GMT -5
I never had friends and still don't. I moved at about once a year growing up so never bonded with kids at school. I like many people but only in one place like at work or neighbors. Family is important to me and my ISO. I don't know what I would do with a long term friend. I like one area friendships so if at a school you talk about school or teachers or students, at work you talk about work or coworkers or bosses, neighbors about the other neighbors or block watch or gardening. Once someone is no longer a student, coworker or neighbor I don't stay in touch, nothing in common. Family is different since we know all the same people across may generations. I have two old coworkers as facebook friends one I worked with twice and have known 25 years. The other moved farther away from our old job but in over 3 years of retirement I haven't had one personal conversation and years working together never saw her outside work, we have nothing in common. I tend to like to be compartmentalized not just have general friends. My ISO has a few friends but even he doesn't keep many, maybe two guys he will meet with for a drink or a couple we have gone camping with a couple times.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Apr 10, 2017 20:21:52 GMT -5
I guess I kinda know how you feel. People are just so disappointing, not only on Facebook, but in person, too.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Apr 10, 2017 20:24:55 GMT -5
Hate to break it to you, but your friends growing up probably aren't really as great as you think they are. You're just used to them/overlook their faults. Or, it could be survivorship bias. You kept only the fairly good ones, the rest fell away. (Take this with a grain of salt from apathetic and worn out me. )
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2017 20:44:14 GMT -5
I am Facebook friends with my best friend from college. We tried to email back and forth, but it just didn't work because our lives are so separate after 30-40 years. That's ironic because she is from the same home town as my ex. Her family still goes to church with my daughter.
Ditto my best friend from graduate school. We connect occasionally when she's back in town, but she's often here and gone without me knowing. Again, it is ironic because she is from the same home town as my ex. Her family also still goes to church with my daughter. My ex was her brother's friend.
I think once the absence builds up, you can't go back to being best friends. My roommate (not the college best friend I mention above) has family in my area. She was visiting and asked if I wanted to have lunch. Not really. I haven't seen her in 30 - 40 years either. We are great Facebook friends, though. We were both featured in one of the college's magazines, and I found the pix and posted them online. All of her other "friends" loved it, and so did she.
I'm just not social enough. I am somewhat shy, but that's not even it. I just find a lot of social stuff incredibly boring.
Like Crone, I have work friends. One is actually a real friend.
That's about it in my old age.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 10, 2017 21:00:57 GMT -5
We really don't have local friends. We really didn't maintain friendships from HS/college.
I have here. I do have some crafty/hobby groups where I could level with folks if I wanted to...and I think it would be a safe place for me.
I suck at mom chit-chat. And, frankly, I don't care.
I've made some fairly close friends teaching. But, then we drift away. Same for work.
We've got some neighbors that are really tight with each other. I'm a little jealous of it, sometimes, TBH. But, we're all in different spaces. They have young kids and (like under 2), and with one parent SAH, they are simply around a lot more. And every day for us is a game of "schedule tetris." In 10 years, the peanut will be in HS, and two of our kids will be grown up, out of the house, and not needing us. I'll be closer to retirement. And, I'll watch them play schedule tetris while we're at home, relaxing.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Apr 10, 2017 21:08:24 GMT -5
Schedule tetris--I love it!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 10, 2017 21:10:25 GMT -5
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 10, 2017 21:14:54 GMT -5
We really don't have local friends. We really didn't maintain friendships from HS/college. I have here. I do have some crafty/hobby groups where I could level with folks if I wanted to...and I think it would be a safe place for me. I suck at mom chit-chat. And, frankly, I don't care. I've made some fairly close friends teaching. But, then we drift away. Same for work. We've got some neighbors that are really tight with each other. I'm a little jealous of it, sometimes, TBH. But, we're all in different spaces. They have young kids and (like under 2), and with one parent SAH, they are simply around a lot more. And every day for us is a game of "schedule tetris." In 10 years, the peanut will be in HS, and two of our kids will be grown up, out of the house, and not needing us. I'll be closer to retirement. And, I'll watch them play schedule tetris while we're at home, relaxing. I have a few things that I am going to get started when my kids leave the nest. Most of my current friends have kids around the age of mine, so if they stick around another 5 years, we will all suddenly have time on our hands at the same time. I find my current crew is full of participators. If I send out an email that says "Want to go do {{enter any event - preferably unusual}} Saturday the 20th" - I only get the responses of "Yes" or "I'm busy and sad I can't join." I think we all just like hanging out together (even if we aren't confiding our inner most secrets) so the activity is just a bonus. So, I suspect if I throw together more stuff when we are all empty nesters, they will show up.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2017 8:55:46 GMT -5
I have trouble making friends, especially "couple" friends. Everyone DH's age has grown children so aren't interested in working around our babysitter issues. Many people my age either don't have kids or aren't even ready to "settle down" yet so also are not interested in our babysitter issues and I am not interested in dating drama.
Part of our problem we've discovered is we don't drink. I've never been interested and DH doesn't want to add alcoholism to the list. Many of the people we spend time with drink. .. A LOT. We don't mind having a glass or two but neither one of us have any interest in getting drunk. It's not fun to be the sober people in the middle of a group of drunks.
I am still in contact with my BFF from high school but we've gone two totally different directions in our lives. When we can get together we still have fun but it's becoming increasingly difficult to work around her financial/life problems. Last time she had to cancel because she had to find money before noon to pay the rent. It's starting to not be worth the effort to try to organize anything because something always comes up. I'm not willing to embroil myself in all that in order to have a friend. I'm totally there to listen but I'm not going to move heaven/earth to hang out.
My other friend is a post doc so is even busier than I am, plus she has three kids.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Apr 11, 2017 10:27:56 GMT -5
This subject of making and maintaining friendships has been on my mind for a while.
It surfaced again when my BFF visited about a week and a half ago. We've known each other since we were 8. Growing up I never had to work to make friends. I grew up in the same house for over 20 years. After I met my husband and we started moving around I had to learn how to make friends.
I think between being married and having some long time friends I was pretty spoiled. Now it's work to make friends. I'm actively working on making some friends but the one thing I've learned as I've gotten older is that no one is going to match all of my interests or needs. And no one is perfect. Forgiving them for being human is the first step for forgiving myself for being human.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Apr 11, 2017 11:06:42 GMT -5
I have trouble making friends, especially "couple" friends. Everyone DH's age has grown children so aren't interested in working around our babysitter issues. br] This is one of the things that has made making friends difficult for DH and myself. Before we had kids the age difference and the ages of other people we interacted wasn't a big deal. We socialized with people are DH'S age. Some had older kids, some never had kids. We were friends with a few people a little older than me. Once we had kids, th one friendships faded as frankly we never left the house. But now everyone who our kids are friends with are about my age and DH just feels old and out of place. I try to get him to get out more. I work with several other woman who have husband's about my DH'S age with kids younger than us, but they live 45 min away so we aren't socializing after work. In Missouri, we had a group of friends that were retired and they were great, but now that we live in Iowa and they are having health problems. So we have drifted apart from them. It is hard making friends and the age difference with my husband makes it harder. It is good that he is reconnecting with friends from high school. As for me by myself making friends, since my husband stays at home, or don't feel right leaving him alone with the kids so I can go out and make friends on a regular basis. Not while he has such a hard time socializing as a stay at home dad. If only one of us gets to go out, I feel like it should be him.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Apr 11, 2017 11:17:06 GMT -5
I have trouble making friends, especially "couple" friends. Everyone DH's age has grown children so aren't interested in working around our babysitter issues. Many people my age either don't have kids or aren't even ready to "settle down" yet so also are not interested in our babysitter issues and I am not interested in dating drama. Part of our problem we've discovered is we don't drink. I've never been interested and DH doesn't want to add alcoholism to the list. Many of the people we spend time with drink. .. A LOT. We don't mind having a glass or two but neither one of us have any interest in getting drunk. It's not fun to be the sober people in the middle of a group of drunks. I am still in contact with my BFF from high school but we've gone two totally different directions in our lives. When we can get together we still have fun but it's becoming increasingly difficult to work around her financial/life problems. Last time she had to cancel because she had to find money before noon to pay the rent. It's starting to not be worth the effort to try to organize anything because something always comes up. I'm not willing to embroil myself in all that in order to have a friend. I'm totally there to listen but I'm not going to move heaven/earth to hang out. My other friend is a post doc so is even busier than I am, plus she has three kids. The drinking thing is definitely big around certain circles. I was a big drinker/partier from 17-25 and still like to drink now, but if I do drink, I'm doing it more after we put the kids to bed once a week. The type of people that I know that still party, they basically just get their kids together in the backyard, have everyone over, and then get drunk. We had the choice of moving into a neighborhood like that, but we opted not to. We would've had a more social place to live, but it's not something I want my kids to get comfortable around. A couple of my wife's HS friend still lives in the area and they live more in the party neighborhood. I almost can't hangout with one of the couple's anymore because I find them so annoying. We'll all go out to dinner and one of the couples will show up pretty much drunk already. My wife just went out with the same girl plus a few friends (during a weekday) and the girl (again) shows up with another girl cause she had already been drinking. I doubt she drinks everyday or anything, but little weird to be pushing 40 and still bumming rides from people so you can get plowed.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2017 11:24:39 GMT -5
The type of people that I know that still party, they basically just get their kids together in the backyard, have everyone over, and then get drunk
Same here. Pretty much any gathering is an excuse to get drunk.
Then we look like weirdos and people spend most of the time trying to convince us to also drink. Neither DH or I feel any desire to go back to high school/college days complete with peer pressure.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2017 11:35:38 GMT -5
I have trouble making friends, especially "couple" friends. Everyone DH's age has grown children so aren't interested in working around our babysitter issues. Many people my age either don't have kids or aren't even ready to "settle down" yet so also are not interested in our babysitter issues and I am not interested in dating drama. Part of our problem we've discovered is we don't drink. I've never been interested and DH doesn't want to add alcoholism to the list. Many of the people we spend time with drink. .. A LOT. We don't mind having a glass or two but neither one of us have any interest in getting drunk. It's not fun to be the sober people in the middle of a group of drunks. I am still in contact with my BFF from high school but we've gone two totally different directions in our lives. When we can get together we still have fun but it's becoming increasingly difficult to work around her financial/life problems. Last time she had to cancel because she had to find money before noon to pay the rent. It's starting to not be worth the effort to try to organize anything because something always comes up. I'm not willing to embroil myself in all that in order to have a friend. I'm totally there to listen but I'm not going to move heaven/earth to hang out. My other friend is a post doc so is even busier than I am, plus she has three kids. The drinking thing is definitely big around certain circles. I was a big drinker/partier from 17-25 and still like to drink now, but if I do drink, I'm doing it more after we put the kids to bed once a week. The type of people that I know that still party, they basically just get their kids together in the backyard, have everyone over, and then get drunk. We had the choice of moving into a neighborhood like that, but we opted not to. We would've had a more social place to live, but it's not something I want my kids to get comfortable around. A couple of my wife's HS friend still lives in the area and they live more in the party neighborhood. I almost can't hangout with one of the couple's anymore because I find them so annoying. We'll all go out to dinner and one of the couples will show up pretty much drunk already. My wife just went out with the same girl plus a few friends (during a weekday) and the girl (again) shows up with another girl cause she had already been drinking. I doubt she drinks everyday or anything, but little weird to be pushing 40 and still bumming rides from people so you can get plowed. I grew up with an alcoholic mom and I have the exact same thoughts. It was MORTIFYING to have my friends see my mom loaded...especially because it wasn't a one-off. I will have one or two drinks around my kids but I don't have drinking parties nor do I take them to parties where people will be getting shit-faced. I can't say I've never had too much wine in their presence but it would be a rare occurrence. I also can't say that I have had too many martinis when out with friends/bf but no kids around to witness!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 11, 2017 12:02:21 GMT -5
Hate to break it to you, but your friends growing up probably aren't really as great as you think they are. You're just used to them/overlook their faults. Or, it could be survivorship bias. You kept only the fairly good ones, the rest fell away. (Take this with a grain of salt from apathetic and worn out me. ) Nope, the more I read this thread, the more I know, my friends are amazing.
But it's true, what our friends are supporting us through, and what we have supported them through, we wouldn't put up with from people who we didn't have this much history with. So yeah, we forgive them some faults, and they forgive us some faults, because we've got 15+ years of history.
At the same time, friendships are like marriages - they require work to last. No matter what those FB memes say about being able to fall back into a friendship even if you haven't spoken in years is really BS. Friendships are relationships, and all relationships take some kind of work. And they're never going to be equally balanced as to whose doing the work. And there are going to be good times and bad times and times when you need a break from one another. Staying friends is an active choice. We are blessed that our group has made that active choice.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2017 12:06:26 GMT -5
I'll admit to living in an area where everyone gets together in the backyard with the kids and plays bocce ball (or in the winter in the house and plays Farkle) and drinks, and even my kid's birthday parties are a big backyard BBQ with a fridge full of beer and wine, but I don't know that getting "shit-faced" is common. The guy that drinks the most must have a great tolerance because he acts the same 12 drinks later as he does sober. There's an occasional incident with the lesbian couple that rents from my Aunt. LOL They can sometimes get out of hand, but for the most part everyone maintains a good example of responsible drinking.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Apr 11, 2017 12:07:44 GMT -5
I have very few lifelong friends. Really only 2 that I keep up with, will see if I'm in town. One of them is also my cousin, so not sure if that really counts as a friend.
I do always have plenty of acquaintances at any given time, but when our reason for knowing each other goes away (job, neighbor, kid activities) we really don't stay in touch. Some I still am Facebook friends but not much more.
I always feel like I don't have enough true friends especially compared to my parents. My parents have a huge circle of friends most that they have known for 60 years. My parents were part of a church centered group when they were teens, they all got married at the same time, had kids at the same time, lived pretty close to each other in a big city, retired at the same time. They are all in late 70s now.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Apr 11, 2017 12:09:29 GMT -5
Hate to break it to you, but your friends growing up probably aren't really as great as you think they are. You're just used to them/overlook their faults. Or, it could be survivorship bias. You kept only the fairly good ones, the rest fell away. (Take this with a grain of salt from apathetic and worn out me. ) Nope, the more I read this thread, the more I know, my friends are amazing.
But it's true, what our friends are supporting us through, and what we have supported them through, we wouldn't put up with from people who we didn't have this much history with. So yeah, we forgive them some faults, and they forgive us some faults, because we've got 15+ years of history.
At the same time, friendships are like marriages - they require work to last. No matter what those FB memes say about being able to fall back into a friendship even if you haven't spoken in years is really BS. Friendships are relationships, and all relationships take some kind of work. And they're never going to be equally balanced as to whose doing the work. And there are going to be good times and bad times and times when you need a break from one another. Staying friends is an active choice. We are blessed that our group has made that active choice.My comment was directed to OP. I think friendships formed as an adult are different than when you're a minor. They are made more by choice than convenience. <-again, apathetic and worn out--really! ;-) Like others here, it's just too hard to do much socializing with the kids this age and no babysitter. Maybe when youngest gets older and is less of a shit, and they both go to bed later than 8 pm...
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Apr 11, 2017 12:14:12 GMT -5
Friends from childhood are unique from any other friends. You share a history of similar geography and similar experience and similar opportunity and similar exposure to your small world. Because of that history, there is a foundation that is nearly impossible to replicate in adult friendships, so we get frustrated and dismiss people too readily. I am really guilty of this. I want easy friendships like those from childhood. I'm not extreme or outlandish or insane, but I feel the need to check myself in adult friendships where I can be myself with childhood friends because my childhood friends know who I am and where I came from. So, I haven't put a lot of effort into adult friendships because my expectations are unreasonably high. That's on me. But, now that the kids are off to college, I have more emotional energy to put into friendships, so I'm willing to put myself out there again. That probably doesn't make any sense but that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 11, 2017 12:55:41 GMT -5
Lizard Queen - I agree, with young kids, and even school age kids, socializing for adults is hard. On some level, we're lucky in that all of our friends are gamers - as in board games and role-playing games, where everyone sits at around a table and hangs out. Those can be done with kids in the house. We have a number of friends with toddlers. We rarely have plans with both parents - we grab coffee with one, lunch with other, sometimes have the whole family over for dinner, etc. And we understand that the work to plan the get together isn't done by the person with a toddler and an infant, so we call them, we make the arrangements, etc. And our whole group is pretty much like this - we don't expect the load to be even, and whoever has the capacity to take it on does, knowing that someone else will take it up when they can't. We have one friend who has a 3 month old daughter. We still "hang out" every other week, on a week night - we do it via google hang outs. Even though we're ostensibly in the same "city", the drive between our places is long without traffic. So instead, we see him and his daughter via the computer screen. We play our RPG. His wife still gets the evening off to do what she wants while he takes care of the baby (and we get to hear her cute babbling), and no one has to worry about whether their house is guest ready or not. Would we prefer to see him in person? Of course, but right now, this is what works, so it's what we do.
This group has mostly been around since undergrad - so since I was 18/19 or so. We all lived in Reno together, and all wanted out, but made the active decision to stick together as a group of friends. One person got a job in the Seattle area, and the rest of us filtered up, sleeping on couches and depending on the hospitality of our friends until we could get jobs. I certainly do put up with more from these people than I ever would someone new, but at the same time, they have seen me at my worst and are still around.
But again, the key remains that these friendships are active choices. We have people who are worth the work to us, and who we're worth the work for. And so, we're all willing to put in the work. And I am HUGELY grateful for it.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 11, 2017 13:04:45 GMT -5
I have found that most of my friends have kids the same age as mine. The adults range from 12 years younger than me to 12 years older than me. But, we are all in the same phase of life, so it all washes out.
I drink, but I have a couple friends who aren't drinkers. That is why I started planning random activities. Usually there is drinking and eating, but there is something else - so it is still fun for non or light drinkers. It also keeps people from getting too smashed.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Apr 11, 2017 13:05:18 GMT -5
I've always struggled with making friends as an adult. Some of it is that I simply don't like being social that much.
I still see my BFF from high school/college a couple times a year (she lives 3 hours away). Although I do have to work at that friendship, as she has four kids and lives three hours away. I'm good friends with a couple co-workers. But, I've found it to be a challenge to make friends, as I don't have kids, and it seems in my area everything seems to revolve around kids.
I think some people are good at making friends and others aren't. My step-mom has a million friends. She has all her friends from the days back when she was a flight attendance (back in the 80's), and then she has her former neighborhoods. She has friends from the gardening club, from the book group she started, from choir she sings in. My step-siblings are the same way. Some people just have that gift to make friends where ever they go. I do not possess that gift.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Apr 11, 2017 13:05:44 GMT -5
Friends from childhood are unique from any other friends. You share a history of similar geography and similar experience and similar opportunity and similar exposure to your small world. Because of that history, there is a foundation that is nearly impossible to replicate in adult friendships, so we get frustrated and dismiss people too readily. I am really guilty of this. I want easy friendships like those from childhood. I'm not extreme or outlandish or insane, but I feel the need to check myself in adult friendships where I can be myself with childhood friends because my childhood friends know who I am and where I came from. So, I haven't put a lot of effort into adult friendships because my expectations are unreasonably high. That's on me. But, now that the kids are off to college, I have more emotional energy to put into friendships, so I'm willing to put myself out there again. That probably doesn't make any sense but that's my theory and I'm sticking to it. Plus your childhood friends won't let you get away with sh*t!
The town we live in is pretty small and there's an extended group of friends we hang out with who have lived here for most of their lives. They are approaching 60 and the stories they tell on each other are hilarious. Nobody's going to getting away with putting on any airs or self fiction. Their friends will rat them out!
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ArchietheDragon
Junior Associate
Joined: Jul 7, 2014 14:29:23 GMT -5
Posts: 6,380
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Apr 11, 2017 13:08:57 GMT -5
When I was growing up, I had the best group of friends through grade/HS/College. I still consider them my closest friends even though we all are spread out and don’t see each other as much. Not sure if I’m just more picky about who I spend my time with or if people are less tolerable, but there aren’t any people that we really move from “acquaintance” to “Friend”. Maybe it’s because you just interact with people a bit less than when you’re in HS or college. Now, everyone has small kids and we’re all busy so it’s not like you spend a lot of time getting to know people. Still though, I just have a real hard time finding people that I’d want to spend a lot of time with. So many of the guys seem very apathetic and worn out. I wonder if my friends are like this now and, since I knew them when we were young, I give it a pass. I don’t think that’s the case, but it just seems like I run into more bumps on a log than I used to. Another reason is that being friends on Facebook gives you a little more insight into the type of person they might be instead of what you get to know in conversation. Here’s an example, we have known this couple for a year or so and, a few weeks back, we happened to all run in a local 10k race. My wife ran the entire distance with this girl and they finished within 1 second of each other. My wife basically just let her run ahead towards the end because she thought it would be weird to do an all-out sprint with someone you know. Later that day on Facebook, she gives a shout-out to herself for being the top women in the race…knowing my wife is friends with her on facebook. My wife just kinda chuckled, but she did make the comment that she could never see so and so (basically any of her good friends) doing that. I know I shouldn’t let stuff like this rule people out for friendships, but I think I was spoiled with my friends growing up. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel this way? First, always go all out in a road race. The one marathon I ran, I trained with a friend for 6 months. We ran the whole marathon together and I was sprinting harder than I ever sprinted before to try and beat him, but he had had more in the tank than I did and beat me by 6 seconds or so. But yes, I have lots of trouble with friendships. I don't think I have any. I am friendly with people, but I don't have any real friends. But the more time goes on the more I come to reason is that it is probably because I am an asshole, not necessarily because it is harder making friends as one ages.
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Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 11, 2017 13:40:23 GMT -5
Friends from childhood are unique from any other friends. You share a history of similar geography and similar experience and similar opportunity and similar exposure to your small world. Because of that history, there is a foundation that is nearly impossible to replicate in adult friendships, so we get frustrated and dismiss people too readily. I am really guilty of this. I want easy friendships like those from childhood. I'm not extreme or outlandish or insane, but I feel the need to check myself in adult friendships where I can be myself with childhood friends because my childhood friends know who I am and where I came from. So, I haven't put a lot of effort into adult friendships because my expectations are unreasonably high. That's on me. But, now that the kids are off to college, I have more emotional energy to put into friendships, so I'm willing to put myself out there again. That probably doesn't make any sense but that's my theory and I'm sticking to it. I very much agree with this. My high school girlfriends and I are all very much alike. We were together non-stop for 8 years. They know secrets that I haven't told anyone else. So many private jokes and history. I'm the only one that stayed local so we only get together a few times a year and when our kids were small, we didn't get together much at all. But there is a closeness with them that I know if I pick up the phone and call one of them in hysterics, they would be on the road immediately to help me.
But they also have no expectations of me. I have a demanding career, I'm a single mom and I have a BF that I try to spend some quality time with. I don't have a lot of free time. Or maybe the time I do have I'm just not willing to invest it in people I don't already have a connection with? I have a lot of acquaintances that we occasionally get together with but I have none of htem are people I would call at 2am to help me hide a body.
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Anne_in_VA
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:09:35 GMT -5
Posts: 5,549
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Apr 11, 2017 16:34:13 GMT -5
I have a really hard time making friends. We moved a lot when I was a kid and never made friends because just as I'd start to be friendly with someone, we'd move again. Then there's the whole alcoholic parents issue. They always seemed to have people over and drank. It seemed pretty fun until I got a little older and realized most everyone got drunk and some got mean.
I don't drink much and most people do, so we don't socialize much. DH is not one to make friends either, although he has some from his military days, but they're scattered, so we don't see them much either.
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