Financials ruining relationship? What to say?

[Rukh O'Rorke]

So a friend of mine is having a difficult time. She got involved with someone she had known and he moved back to US to start a relationship with her, and while I thought it was a bit rushed, love is frequently impetuous. They moved in together, got a larger apartment, adopted a dog, and things seemed fine so I thought my misgivings were misplaced. He got a job in his field that - although not highly paid - seemed adequate and he was looking for something better.

then - his hours got cut, and it seems he has barely been making it work financially and now she is in the position of supporting him quite a bit. He's looking for work but his field has dried up as he works with international students at universities and international enrollments are down due to current us sentiments and one university here let a lot of people go completely - so a small market is quite flooded.

He was looking nationally and had a few interviews. now he is back to looking internationally which seems he has his choices as he is fluent in several languages. If he doesn't get a US job by the time the apartment lease is up, he's going to take a job internationally - and they're going to break up. 

I had mentioned to her a month or so ago, why doesn't he look for a part time job to supplement income - and she said he's looking. I had meant - you know - home depot/waiter/retail/whatnot - not his career which is - currently - a bit flooded market wise. She got defensive so I didn't pursue and maybe she knew what I meant but he isn't going to go that route.

She's going to be left in a bad financial state and with a large dog looking to rent a cheaper apartment. Honestly - I'm wondering if he is using this as an excuse because he wants to break up, or just bored, wants to go exotic places again?

What is the YM thought? I think he's being a total &*^%

[sesfw]

his field has dried up

Sounds like he needs another field to play in.  I take it he is a teacher at the college level.  I know the lower level schools are always looking for good multi-language teachers but that doesn't have either the pay scale or the ego level of college.

If your gut says he is scum, he probably is and is looking for a way out.  Sorry for your friend ........ hope everything works out ....... especially for the puppy

[resolution]

As someone that quit a secure job that I really liked in order to move for my husband, this situation is one of my worst fears. I would absolutely hate to lose my job and end up underemployed because I moved for someone, and then to end up having them resent me for it would add icing to the cake.

I don't really blame him for leaving to go find a better job market, especially since they are just dating and not married.

[Shooby]

  I really cannot understand women who let some guy move in and play house.  I personally would never live with a man I wasn't married too. And comingling your finances and setting up your life with someone that way is very foolish in my opinion.  So, she just needs to take this as a Life Lesson.  I have done my share of $tupid in life so you live and learn.  Better to let him go and move on and then really find the true love of your life, not a shack up honey.

[busymom]

Holy cow Shooby!  We agree on something!  


Yes, your friend allowed things to move too quickly with the relationship, especially letting a guy move in with her that she'd barely met.  And then, getting a bigger place before being "settled in" just made the problem snowball.


About all you can say to your friend, if this guy moves on & leaves her behind, is:  He's not the one.  

[buystoys]

Agree that he's scum.  Are you asking what you should say?  My recommendation would be nothing.  I'm willing to bet she already knows what mistakes she made.  If she asks for advice?  Agree with busymom:  He's not the one.

[giramomma]

My DH gave up any chance of having a career to date me.

Last year, there was a job boom in our city in his field. He could apply for 3 full time, career type jobs. Some years, there are no full time jobs that open up. At this point, I'm supposing DH will never get a full time job, non-contract job. We're in our early 40's now. And realistically, not a whole lot of time is left before DH encounters discrimination because of his age.

In my experience the mythical second job when you are a professional is super hard to come by.

It took me 9 months and several interviews before someone took a chance on me. Unfortunately, that position also dried up. It was an afterschool program, and last July, they decided to discontinue the program. So, I had to look for another one.

It was a huge knock against me that I was "overqualified" for jobs. And I even took my master's degree job off my resume and downplayed my teaching experience.

I also can't imagine retail being super flexible while this dude is applying for jobs, either.


ETA: I'm also going to assume that your friend is older? I mean, she's not 20..but closer to the 40-50 side of life? One thing that I've noticed in DH's family is that as people age, they take less time dating/courting. BIL knew he wanted to be together with SIL (enough to have a baby) rather soon in the relationship. Dating to marriage was 2 years, and a bit of change. They were TTC before they were engaged, so at most they'd known eachother for 18 months when the were making a life altering decision like that. My ILs were together less than two years between dating and marriage.

DH and I got married at an earlier age than both of them, but it was 5 years between dating and marriage. DH and I were a couple for 7 years before we TTC.

And I will say, I get so mad when folks would question if DH was using me. Suggesting DH was using me (because living in a shithole apartment and driving around 10-15 year old cars was SO glamorous!) was a good way to turn a good relationship bad.

[Lizard Queen]

I don't see how the information presented here makes the guy scum. They both took a chance, and moved in together too soon. He's not ditching her before the lease is up. Apparently, the relationship didn't progress enough such that he wants to give up his career and continue to struggle there. That was the risk they both took. Getting a large dog together was stupid, IMO, but a mistake many people make. They should try to rehome him starting immediately.

[Deleted]

I agree that he's not necessarily scum, but it may be time for both of them to move on.  As giramomma said, the type of side job he could get wouldn't allow the flexibility he needs for a job search.  If you come in as the lowest person on the totem pole, you work when no one else wants to, and sometimes at the last minute.

It sounds like it just didn't work out for him, both on the professional side and the relationship side, and he's working on a graceful exit.  Better than lying on the couch playing video games and expecting her to support him indefinitely. 

[weltschmerz]

Mar 4, 2017 12:32:20 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  I really cannot understand women who let some guy move in and play house.  I personally would never live with a man I wasn't married too. And comingling your finances and setting up your life with someone that way is very foolish in my opinion.  So, she just needs to take this as a Life Lesson.  I have done my share of $tupid in life so you live and learn.  Better to let him go and move on and then really find the true love of your life, not a shack up honey.

Well, that's YOU. Lots of people see nothing wrong with it.
I wouldn't buy a car without test-driving it first, and I wouldn't marry a man without living with him first.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Since no one knows what happened in this relationship, I would not be inclined to comment on whether or not he is scum.  Presumably, your friend is an adult and can manage her own relationships.  This guy took a HUGE leap of faith to come to the US to be with her, and it didn't work out.  Done deal and he's going to where he can be employed.   Your friend bears 50% of the responsibility in the larger apartment and dog.

I don't see how this is anyone else's business other than their's. 

[weltschmerz]

I don't see how this guy is "scum", either.
Just out of curiousity OP, would you feel the same if a female moved to the US and had difficulty finding a job? Would she be scum if he was supporting her?

[quince]

No one needs an excuse to break up. 
"Hey, this isn't working anymore." = all the excuse needed.

He's trying to find something, he's picked an easy natural end date- the lease ending, and they've decided that being together long distance doesn't work for them. Kind of sounds like working as intended.

Relocating to a different country to be with someone is a big give. They gave it a shot, it didn't work out, and it isn't surprising that he doesn't want to give up his career to work at a fast food place to stay in the same location, especially since with the shift in political climate the difficulty affecting his opportunities locally doesn't have an obvious end date or path to resolution.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Mar 4, 2017 13:34:47 GMT -5 busymom said:

Holy cow Shooby !  We agree on something!  


Yes, your friend allowed things to move too quickly with the relationship, especially letting a guy move in with her that she'd barely met.  And then, getting a bigger place before being "settled in" just made the problem snowball.


About all you can say to your friend, if this guy moves on & leaves her behind, is:  He's not the one.  

I'm not why you think she had barely met him. She's known him for many years, but they were not involved previously, they would get together for lunch, etc. when he visited his family in the us. 

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Mar 4, 2017 13:47:49 GMT -5 giramomma said:

ETA: I'm also going to assume that your friend is older? I mean, she's not 20..but closer to the 40-50 side of life? One thing that I've noticed in DH's family is that as people age, they take less time dating/courting. BIL knew he wanted to be together with SIL (enough to have a baby) rather soon in the relationship. Dating to marriage was 2 years, and a bit of change. They were TTC before they were engaged, so at most they'd known eachother for 18 months when the were making a life altering decision like that. My ILs were together less than two years between dating and marriage.

she is early 30's, and I worry some biological clock issues are at play - both in jumping in quickly, and now reeling from the present situation.

I really fault him mostly on the dog issue here. He really pushed her into getting a dog, they got a puppy from a shelter, and now he is going to skate off and leave and she is the one who has to either commit to take care of this large dog for the next 12-15 years currentlya s an apartment dweller, or be the mean one who gives it up when the dog's best chance at a forever home was as a puppy

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Mar 4, 2017 15:20:47 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

I don't see how this guy is "scum", either.
Just out of curiousity OP, would you feel the same if a female moved to the US and had difficulty finding a job? Would she be scum if he was supporting her?

I never said he was scum, and I think that is a bit harsh. I think he's been very careless of other's feelings and situations. Particularly the dog.

[cktc]

I think they must be of the same mind that careers are more important than the relationship or she could make the same sacrifice and follow him around the world taking odd jobs and barely making ends meet. It's a lot to ask and could easily lead to resentment.

It's too bad that it didn't work out, but it sounds like the guy made an effort and doesn't want to stall out and be dependent.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

the other point that makes me question this, is it was only 4-6 weeks since his hours were cut that he went to the leave country/break up scenario. 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Mar 4, 2017 16:33:39 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

the other point that makes me question this, is it was only 4-6 weeks since his hours were cut that he went to the leave country/break up scenario. 

Why is it your position to question this?  You say it's only been 4-6 weeks, but then you post this:

then - his hours got cut, and it seems he has barely been making it work financially and now she is in the position of supporting him quite a bit.

So she has been supporting him a month, and despite the fact that he is looking for work, she's resenting it already?

It sounds like you are making him out to be the bad guy, which is understandable as she is your friend.  However, you are only hearing one side of the story.  Your friend is 50% culpable in all of this, including the apartment and the dog.  

[NastyWoman]

If the OP is the entirity of the information you have, there is no way to determine who, if anyone, is being an ass here.
To recap: He came here, they moved in together and started their life as a couple. He lost part of his job and thus has reduced income, but he is looking for a new job including on a national scale. He may expand search internationally and then they will break up.

So what happens if he finds a job on the other side of the country? Will they break up or stay together? Is she considering looking for jobs where ever he finds one? Or is she just opposed to moving internationally and will look inside the US? Is he the one falling out of love, is she, or are they both? 

I could go on, but I really don't see anything that let's me form an opinion. The dog? She might have been reluctant to get him, but she might just as easily have become so attached to the dog that she has said "you're not taking the dog" 

As I said, there is not nearly enough information here

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Mar 4, 2017 16:47:51 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Mar 4, 2017 16:33:39 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

the other point that makes me question this, is it was only 4-6 weeks since his hours were cut that he went to the leave country/break up scenario. 

 Your friend is 50% culpable in all of this, including the apartment and the dog.  

I disagree. They are each 50% responsible for getting a dog, but if he ups and leave her to deal with it, then he has shirked his 50% of responsibility.

With the apartment - it is hard to find one in the city that allows large dogs. So once he takes off, her odds of finding a more reasonable priced apartment are greatly reduced.

If he had said - let's get a puppy, it'll be great, but if job doesn't work out, I'm leaving the country and you get fido. Whatta ya think? Sure - 50%. I don't see this as 50%.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

I take adopting pets very seriously, so perhaps that is why I see this as such a betrayal.....to the puppy!

[Deleted]

Dog was a stupid idea on both sides, i know a lot of people that have gotten one not realizing what a huge responsibility it is.

My brother had wanted to be a college professor since he was in Junior High. By the time he graduated and was ready to enter the workforce tenured, well paying college professor opportunities had went the way of the dodo. He pivoted and now teaches for a private high school making 60k a year in a LCOL area.

Financials ended mine and DW's first marriages, it happens a lot. In fact she ended up with a massive 1 year old German Sheppard out of it (he decided to give it to her for Xmas which pissed her off to no end). He is now nine and loved by both of us so stories like this can have a happy ending.

[Opti]

Mar 4, 2017 17:04:10 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

Mar 4, 2017 16:47:51 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

 Your friend is 50% culpable in all of this, including the apartment and the dog.  

I disagree. They are each 50% responsible for getting a dog, but if he ups and leave her to deal with it, then he has shirked his 50% of responsibility.

With the apartment - it is hard to find one in the city that allows large dogs. So once he takes off, her odds of finding a more reasonable priced apartment are greatly reduced.

If he had said - let's get a puppy, it'll be great, but if job doesn't work out, I'm leaving the country and you get fido. Whatta ya think? Sure - 50%. I don't see this as 50%.

You are only privy to what she tells you and she may slant things for sympathy. I would keep your opinions out of it and make murmuring supportive noises. From your posting you have him in a no win situation. He isn't going to get a job here because of a flooded US reduced market. You don't share why they would break up. Is she unwilling to go international to be with him or what?

You want the man to have his big enough job back but if its international somehow he fails her and the dog? And he should live the life you and possibly your friend want for him supplementing his income by working better retail?

Did someone die and leave you in charge of how other people should live their lives?

(I'll say this nicer later perhaps, but you calling him scum, makes me wonder what the heck you are thinking? This is not your circus. This is not your man. Maybe your friend is defensive because she doesn't want to tell you the full story because you are too judgy. Just a thought.)

[raeoflyte]

Mar 4, 2017 14:37:49 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

I don't see how the information presented here makes the guy scum. They both took a chance, and moved in together too soon. He's not ditching her before the lease is up. Apparently, the relationship didn't progress enough such that he wants to give up his career and continue to struggle there. That was the risk they both took. Getting a large dog together was stupid, IMO, but a mistake many people make. They should try to rehome him starting immediately.

I'm not usually someone who rags on people for rehoming pets. Life happens and we can't always predict 5, 10, 15 years down the road. But I'm guessing this is an animal they adopted less than 1 year ago. The idea of rehoming an animal in that short amount of time upsets me -- mostly because (and I don't mean this about you or the OP's friend), people that do that often decide within months or a year to get another animal.  Completely incapable of accepting that the problem is them and not their circumstances.  Makes me wish there was a registry that tracks it. 

 

[Deleted]

Mar 4, 2017 17:04:10 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

Mar 4, 2017 16:47:51 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

 Your friend is 50% culpable in all of this, including the apartment and the dog.  

I disagree. They are each 50% responsible for getting a dog, but if he ups and leave her to deal with it, then he has shirked his 50% of responsibility.

With the apartment - it is hard to find one in the city that allows large dogs. So once he takes off, her odds of finding a more reasonable priced apartment are greatly reduced.

If he had said - let's get a puppy, it'll be great, but if job doesn't work out, I'm leaving the country and you get fido. Whatta ya think? Sure - 50%. I don't see this as 50%.

Yes, but wasn't that an obvious given risk from the beginning?  People break up all the time.  Even if he just moved across town the dog would have been an issue.  That's why you always hear the advice to not combine finances before married or base housing decisions on both incomes.  

[cktc]

Mar 4, 2017 18:06:42 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Mar 4, 2017 14:37:49 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

I don't see how the information presented here makes the guy scum. They both took a chance, and moved in together too soon. He's not ditching her before the lease is up. Apparently, the relationship didn't progress enough such that he wants to give up his career and continue to struggle there. That was the risk they both took. Getting a large dog together was stupid, IMO, but a mistake many people make. They should try to rehome him starting immediately.

I'm not usually someone who rags on people for rehoming pets. Life happens and we can't always predict 5, 10, 15 years down the road. But I'm guessing this is an animal they adopted less than 1 year ago. The idea of rehoming an animal in that short amount of time upsets me -- mostly because (and I don't mean this about you or the OP's friend), people that do that often decide within months or a year to get another animal.  Completely incapable of accepting that the problem is them and not their circumstances.  Makes me wish there was a registry that tracks it. 

 

I volunteered at a shelter for a bit, they didn't care if there was a history of rehomed pets as long as they were currently able to care for the animal. It's better than staying in the shelter indefinitely and potentially being put down. It still makes me sad, but there just aren't enough perfect homes for the number of animals out there.

[zibazinski]

I feel sorry for the dog. ☹️

[Miss Tequila]

Mar 4, 2017 17:04:10 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

Mar 4, 2017 16:47:51 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

 Your friend is 50% culpable in all of this, including the apartment and the dog.  

I disagree. They are each 50% responsible for getting a dog, but if he ups and leave her to deal with it, then he has shirked his 50% of responsibility.

With the apartment - it is hard to find one in the city that allows large dogs. So once he takes off, her odds of finding a more reasonable priced apartment are greatly reduced.

If he had said - let's get a puppy, it'll be great, but if job doesn't work out, I'm leaving the country and you get fido. Whatta ya think? Sure - 50%. I don't see this as 50%.

didnt your friend think this through before they got a dog and a bigger apartment? They weren't married. Why would you make life altering changes with someone that you aren't committed to enough to marry? It makes no sense to me

It didn't work out and someone has to take the dog. It is much more difficult to take a dog out of the country. When I got divorced we also had a dog together. But we fought over who kept the dog. The dog is part of our family, not just something to be discarded. We share custody of the kids and the dog!

[taz157]

Mar 5, 2017 9:08:57 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

We share custody of the kids and the dog!

So whoever has the kids also has the dog? Or if 1 has the kids, the other has the dog? How old is the dog? IIRC, your kids are teenagers.