Looking for answers from men-personal

[naughtybear]

Muddled waters between me and a guy.

VERY public and messy "break up"

I don't go up to him to say hi anymore, but lately he has been coming up to me. Last night he was saying stuff like "do you remember me" "Do you know who I am" Obviously he was kidding with that, kind of like "hey why don't you say hello"


I just get so flustered.


Anyway, men, if I woman is clearly not saying hello to you is it normal male behavior to try to initiate contact. We weren't friends before so we don't have to be friends now.

[Happy prose]

Just curious....how old are you and the guy?

[naughtybear]

I'm 44 he's 54 I think.

[billisonboard]

I think a wider context would be helpful. Where are you still seeing each other?

[sesfw]

If possible change your routine ........... put enough space and time between you ...... see him coming? go the opposite direction quickly and quietly to the nearest restroom or group of people you can chat with

[naughtybear]

It's either at the bar where we met, at a dinner with mutual friends or at a get together at a mutual friends.

He seems to make such a big production out of it. Someone said that his ego can't stand that I don't talk to him.

[Bonny]

Messy, public break-up was initiated by whom?

[Rob Base 2.0]

Ghost him

[Deleted]

I'm not a guy but let me chime in anyway:  be blunt.  The silent treatment isn't working so he can't take a hint.  Tell him something along the lines of, "I don't want any further contact with you.  Go away".  If he doesn't respect your wishes there's always the Restraining Order option.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Feb 25, 2017 12:39:21 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

I'm not a guy but let me chime in anyway:  be blunt.  The silent treatment isn't working so he can't take a hint.  Tell him something along the lines of, "I don't want any further contact with you.  Go away".  If he doesn't respect your wishes there's always the Restraining Order option.

This.

IF you sincerely want it to end.

Some people like the ego boost when an ex appears to still want interaction/a relationship. That's middle school love. Shut it down and move on. Or don't. :-)

[naughtybear]

It's only been recently and it's been three times. It's not restraining order worthy. I stopped going to that bar for three months, stopped meeting for dinner with friends if I knew he was going to be there. When I did start going back if he was outside I stayed inside, if he was by the bar I waited. I've done about turns lots of times.

It's only been recently that if he's outside with our friends I will go outside and join them. It's still all kinds of awkward.

When I am done I'm done. I'm very cold that way. My question was if you know a woman is not talking to you, would you continue to initiate? Is that a man thing or just a personality thing.

[naughtybear]

It doesn't bother me in that way, only that it's awkward. I'm trying to understand what he is trying to do/accomplish.


As always when   I post things and get replies it leads me to really think about it. I think he is trying to have us be cool.

[Deleted]

It's a personality thing, if I got the cold shoulder it was time to move on.

[raeoflyte]

If you have mutual friends that you're spending time with and he is there, I think the complete cold shoulder would be weird.  I'm not one to take sides and will stay friendly with both, but I can't handle drama.  We can pretend that nothing happened, but I'm not going to get together in a group when some friends completely ignore each other.  

[Pants]

Feb 25, 2017 13:18:49 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

It's only been recently and it's been three times. It's not restraining order worthy. I stopped going to that bar for three months, stopped meeting for dinner with friends if I knew he was going to be there. When I did start going back if he was outside I stayed inside, if he was by the bar I waited. I've done about turns lots of times.

It's only been recently that if he's outside with our friends I will go outside and join them. It's still all kinds of awkward.

When I am done I'm done. I'm very cold that way. My question was if you know a woman is not talking to you, would you continue to initiate? Is that a man thing or just a personality thing.

Because you're acting like a child? Short of abuse or something on that level, there's no reason you can't be cordial to another human being you once dated. By not be willing to say "Hello", smile and move on you are making things awkward.

If there was abuse or something that was really and truly awful, you need new friends because ones who would still be friends with someone who did that to you are not good friends.

[souldoubt]

It would be one thing if he's coming up to you at random places but you're going to the same bar you met him at and more importantly you're attending events with mutual friends.  You don't have to have long conversations with him or even sit next to him but if you can't even acknowledge his presence when he says hi then that's on you.  As pants said if there's some kind of abuse situation or he was awful to you when you dated then that's partially on your friends for bringing him around but no friends worth a damn would do that.   

[Bonny]

Feb 25, 2017 13:55:46 GMT -5 Pants said:

Feb 25, 2017 13:18:49 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

It's only been recently and it's been three times. It's not restraining order worthy. I stopped going to that bar for three months, stopped meeting for dinner with friends if I knew he was going to be there. When I did start going back if he was outside I stayed inside, if he was by the bar I waited. I've done about turns lots of times.

It's only been recently that if he's outside with our friends I will go outside and join them. It's still all kinds of awkward.

When I am done I'm done. I'm very cold that way. My question was if you know a woman is not talking to you, would you continue to initiate? Is that a man thing or just a personality thing.

Because you're acting like a child? Short of abuse or something on that level, there's no reason you can't be cordial to another human being you once dated. By not be willing to say "Hello", smile and move on you are making things awkward.

This.

Things didn't work out. You have mutual friends. You move on or if these aren't good people to be friends with find new friends.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Awhile ago, I dated my best friend's brother.  It didn't end badly, but it just ended and over the years, I have spent a LOT of time in his company at events I was invited to.  I vowed that I was friends with my friend long before I dated her brother and I was not about to make a failed relationship uncomfortable between us.  So I was cordial, I spoke to him.....in fact, many times I approached him and his current g/f to say hi, then went off and did my own thing.

Naggie, it sounds like you are letting him live in your head rent free.  This is on you, not him.  If you can't be in the same room with him, then you need to decide if your friends are more or less important than a failed relationship.  But YOU are going to have to make this decision, not him.  And the fact that he acknowledges your existence is not a bad thing, he is just rolling things back to pre-relationship with you.  It sounds like he has moved on.....you need to move on too.

[suesinfl]

Feb 25, 2017 15:10:50 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Awhile ago, I dated my best friend's brother.  It didn't end badly, but it just ended and over the years, I have spent a LOT of time in his company at events I was invited to.  I vowed that I was friends with my friend long before I dated her brother and I was not about to make a failed relationship uncomfortable between us.  So I was cordial, I spoke to him.....in fact, many times I approached him and his current g/f to say hi, then went off and did my own thing.

Naggie, it sounds like you are letting him live in your head rent free.  This is on you, not him.  If you can't be in the same room with him, then you need to decide if your friends are more or less important than a failed relationship.  But YOU are going to have to make this decision, not him.  And the fact that he acknowledges your existence is not a bad thing, he is just rolling things back to pre-relationship with you.  It sounds like he has moved on.....you need to move on too.

I love the bolded part and am going to try and remember it.

[swamp]

Feb 25, 2017 13:18:49 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

It's only been recently and it's been three times. It's not restraining order worthy. I stopped going to that bar for three months, stopped meeting for dinner with friends if I knew he was going to be there. When I did start going back if he was outside I stayed inside, if he was by the bar I waited. I've done about turns lots of times.

It's only been recently that if he's outside with our friends I will go outside and join them. It's still all kinds of awkward.

When I am done I'm done. I'm very cold that way. My question was if you know a woman is not talking to you, would you continue to initiate? Is that a man thing or just a personality thing.

It's a crazy pants thing.

[swamp]

Feb 25, 2017 15:10:50 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Awhile ago, I dated my best friend's brother.  It didn't end badly, but it just ended and over the years, I have spent a LOT of time in his company at events I was invited to.  I vowed that I was friends with my friend long before I dated her brother and I was not about to make a failed relationship uncomfortable between us.  So I was cordial, I spoke to him.....in fact, many times I approached him and his current g/f to say hi, then went off and did my own thing.

Naggie, it sounds like you are letting him live in your head rent free.  This is on you, not him.  If you can't be in the same room with him, then you need to decide if your friends are more or less important than a failed relationship.  But YOU are going to have to make this decision, not him.  And the fact that he acknowledges your existence is not a bad thing, he is just rolling things back to pre-relationship with you.  It sounds like he has moved on.....you need to move on too.

Was TD OK with it?

[Tiny]

Feb 25, 2017 13:18:49 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

It's only been recently and it's been three times. It's not restraining order worthy. I stopped going to that bar for three months, stopped meeting for dinner with friends if I knew he was going to be there. When I did start going back if he was outside I stayed inside, if he was by the bar I waited. I've done about turns lots of times.

It's only been recently that if he's outside with our friends I will go outside and join them. It's still all kinds of awkward.

When I am done I'm done. I'm very cold that way. My question was if you know a woman is not talking to you, would you continue to initiate? Is that a man thing or just a personality thing.

Do you mean literally like the silent treatment/cold shoulder? So, you walk up to a group of friends and he's there - and you totally ignore him/don't even look at him?  If he sez something to you while in the group - do you just give him the 100 yard stare?     That's got to be awkward for every one in the group. What do you expect him to do? slink away from the group when you show up?    I don't really understand the silent treatment - I have a drama queen friend who does it... and then she gets upset if the person she's freezing out DOESN"T talk to her.... because it's their responsibility to 'apologize' or 'make right' whatever slight they gave her that caused the "silent treatment".   It's not an effective way to communicate.


I would think treating him like an acquaintance you work with (and who you don't really have anything in common with) would be the right level of cold.  So, you politely acknowledge his existence but don't go out of your way to interact with him...     Still weird but less awkward.

[mroped]

Breaking up with someone doesn't have to mean you stop communicating altogether.
A civil conversation or the occasional "hey, how you doing!" when you run into each other, it is not inappropriate and doesn't have to lead anywhere else except being in the same circle of friends or have the same watering hole.

You could simply explain to him that a relationship of a closer nature doesn't work between the two of you but it doesn't have to be awkward either. Being aquiented is enough!
See where it gets you!
Maybe he just feels that he has to be polite and owes you the curtesy of saying hi everytime he runs into you and make small talk!

[Tiny]

On a humorous note - if the guy is part of your general group of 'friends' - can you take some cues from TV shows where the cast of characters get - um, kind of incestuous with each other? The writers of those shows manage to come up with social situations that work thru how Guy A and Girl B break up and then start dating each other's exes (who were dating each other but have recently broken up) - thus still keeping everyone together and civil until the next break up and partner switch with one of the other couples on the show.     This is an extreme example - but you've got an ex who's part of your 'group' and you need to be civil/polite to him while keeping him at arms reach.   It's doable.  

[Pants]

Although, not to pile on but I think if one has a VERY public/messy breakup at 44 and 54 that clearly tells you something about the individuals involved.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Feb 25, 2017 15:37:01 GMT -5 swamp said:

Feb 25, 2017 15:10:50 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Awhile ago, I dated my best friend's brother.  It didn't end badly, but it just ended and over the years, I have spent a LOT of time in his company at events I was invited to.  I vowed that I was friends with my friend long before I dated her brother and I was not about to make a failed relationship uncomfortable between us.  So I was cordial, I spoke to him.....in fact, many times I approached him and his current g/f to say hi, then went off and did my own thing.

Naggie, it sounds like you are letting him live in your head rent free.  This is on you, not him.  If you can't be in the same room with him, then you need to decide if your friends are more or less important than a failed relationship.  But YOU are going to have to make this decision, not him.  And the fact that he acknowledges your existence is not a bad thing, he is just rolling things back to pre-relationship with you.  It sounds like he has moved on.....you need to move on too.

Was TD OK with it?

Pre-TD.  But TD's met (and vacationed with) my friend so I guess some time he is going to meet her brother.

[Opti]

Feb 25, 2017 13:24:24 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

It doesn't bother me in that way, only that it's awkward. I'm trying to understand what he is trying to do/accomplish.


As always when   I post things and get replies it leads me to really think about it. I think he is trying to have us be cool.

It really doesn't matter why he's doing it. The important thing is what do you plan to do? After all, only you are under your control.

[debthaven]

Isn't it easier to just say hello civilly? Sorry but like Pants, this sounds like MS or HS behavior to me.

Either you can be cordial, say hello, and then keep a distance, or you need to find new friends.

This isn't a male / female thing, IMO, it's a question of maturity. To me the mature person is the one who CAN say hello, not the one who pettily refuses to say hello and makes everyone in the group feel awkward because (I'm guessing) a short-lived relationship is over.

Maybe THAT'S the point this guy is trying to make? That you can still be civil or cordial with each other, even though you're no longer involved?

[Miss Tequila]

Feb 25, 2017 16:19:29 GMT -5 Pants said:

Although, not to pile on but I think if one has a VERY public/messy breakup at 44 and 54 that clearly tells you something about the individuals involved.

I like how you say 'not to pile on" and then pile on...

[ken a.k.a OMK]

I think you should try being civil to him and say hi but not much more like others said. If he really can't move on then you need to say something to him in private or have a mutual friend explain it to him.