tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 6, 2016 21:11:40 GMT -5
I read everywhere and hear the same thing that every cheating men and women are having the same story of being too long in loveless, sexless marriage and their spouses are mean abusive people so this is why they are looking for something.
However I had just watched old old show I think called One Day At The Time where divorced Mom of 2 adult daughters meeting a man who is married but falling in love with her. He tells her that he was never cheated on his wife and if it wasn't for her he would still be faithful and unhappy. But after he fell in love with her he wants to be happy as he is now. Later he gets divorced and they go their separate ways...
However have anyone of you have ever met people who are really living in described above marriages just because they had used to it? And have you ever met happy couple who are looking for fun on the side?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 7, 2016 10:15:45 GMT -5
Happy couples looking for fund on the side are called swingers.
DH's friend suggested we swing with them. .. yeah no. If I am going to be into that kind of stuff it won't be with people I have to see during the holidays.
That's the only time I've ever been propositioned to swing. It's not something DH and I are interested in. I'm sure we'd encounter more if we were looking to participate.
I'm sure there are a handful of mean loveless and sexless marriages out there but if that is the case why not divorce?
Most I am betting are sob stories designed to sucker in the other woman/man. To keep their booty on the side they will make up sob stories about how they so want to divorce and be with the other woman but just can't for one reason or another. They'll tell tales about how in love they are with other woman and how happy she makes them.
The promise of being his personal savior is attractive to a lot of women.
In reality he has zero intention of leaving and probably has a couple more "loves of his life" on call.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 10:21:47 GMT -5
My first marriage, near the end, WAS loveless, sexless and verbally abusive. I ended up in bed with another member of my profession at a conference in a lovely old hotel in a beautiful oceanfront setting. It was wonderful. We connected at a couple of other meetings after that. It was the catalyst that led me to finally get serious and file for divorce- not to marry the guy I cheated with (he was also married and wanted to stay that way) but just to be free from a bad marriage, after seeing a glimpse of what a healthy relationship might be.
Hey, it was the wake-up call I needed so I don't feel bad about it.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 7, 2016 10:29:12 GMT -5
To shed light on the subject, Start reading the message boards on survivinginfidelity.com . That can pretty much answer any question you might have about infidelity.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jul 7, 2016 11:58:27 GMT -5
If you are describing a marriage where the couple just stays together because they are married and divorce is BAD... even though they may despise each other - yeah, I witnessed quite a few of those kinds of marriages as a kid. There were also a few where the couple in question tolerated each other but just kind of did their own things - they'd only do social things together when they were required to be a 'couple'. They'd NEVER do something as a couple because it was fun or they enjoyed each other's company. I had terrible 'marriage' role models as a kid. In fact, I grew up thinking marriage was a TERRIBLE thing and I couldn't figure out why women seemed to be so keen to strap themselves to a Millstone or to signup for a life of drudgery (being a housekeeper/nanny) while their husband basically came and went as he pleased. (Most couples I knew as a kid had separate bedrooms - since their own kids had moved out). Anytime someone said they had a 'guest bedroom' set up - just incase someone visited - that was a euphemism for 'we sleep in separate rooms'. Yeah, I am aware that sleeping apart might very well mean that both people get better night's sleep... I would hope that it doesn't mean you haven't canoodled (or atleast felt a bit of tenderness/sat next to, enjoyed spending time) with your spouse in years. I think since divorce isn't seen as such a terrible thing - and as women can more or less support themselves that "loveless marriages for appearances" aren't so much the norm these days. Remember - the One Day at a Time show was from the Mid 70's to the Mid 80's --- marriage and divorce were changing. I suspect that the lead character - Ann Romano - would have been appalled if her college aged daughter moved in with a boyfriend... for example. By the 2000's it isn't that odd for college or post college 'adults' to move in/live with someone they are not married to.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 7, 2016 18:13:09 GMT -5
To shed light on the subject, Start reading the message boards on survivinginfidelity.com . That can pretty much answer any question you might have about infidelity. It wasn't a question of surviving infidelity. It was a question about nature of the beast. Is it always bad man/woman cheating? Or sometimes it is something else?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 7, 2016 19:26:41 GMT -5
To shed light on the subject, Start reading the message boards on survivinginfidelity.com . That can pretty much answer any question you might have about infidelity. It wasn't a question of surviving infidelity. It was a question about nature of the beast. Is it always bad man/woman cheating? Or sometimes it is something else? It will answer your question on the nature beast...and more.... There's no simple, pat answer as to why people cheat.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 21:37:25 GMT -5
When I got divorced, I did online dating for awhile. A lot of the divorced men seemed to feel that they had been trapped in sexless marriages for quite awhile. These were men in their fifties. According to them, their wives were mostly interested in the marriage for the trappings (nice house, successful partners) and the children.
It's one side of the story, and that's all. Hearing the story was actually a turn-off for me.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 8, 2016 10:10:12 GMT -5
When I got divorced, I did online dating for awhile. A lot of the divorced men seemed to feel that they had been trapped in sexless marriages for quite awhile. These were men in their fifties. According to them, their wives were mostly interested in the marriage for the trappings (nice house, successful partners) and the children. It's one side of the story, and that's all. Hearing the story was actually a turn-off for me. So we are sure here that not one man/woman trapped in those marriages and would stay to the end IF suddenly they had not met someone that they weren't looking for but founded accidentally and wished to turn life around? And telling the truth abut their unhappiness?
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 8, 2016 10:14:29 GMT -5
When I got divorced, I did online dating for awhile. A lot of the divorced men seemed to feel that they had been trapped in sexless marriages for quite awhile. These were men in their fifties. According to them, their wives were mostly interested in the marriage for the trappings (nice house, successful partners) and the children. It's one side of the story, and that's all. Hearing the story was actually a turn-off for me. I'd appreciate someone who was honest and had the guts to leave and get what they want. Looking for sex on the side seems to me the coward's way.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 8, 2016 11:45:36 GMT -5
My first marriage, near the end, WAS loveless, sexless and verbally abusive. I ended up in bed with another member of my profession at a conference in a lovely old hotel in a beautiful oceanfront setting. It was wonderful. We connected at a couple of other meetings after that. It was the catalyst that led me to finally get serious and file for divorce- not to marry the guy I cheated with (he was also married and wanted to stay that way) but just to be free from a bad marriage, after seeing a glimpse of what a healthy relationship might be. Hey, it was the wake-up call I needed so I don't feel bad about it. basically my story with a few details changed.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 8, 2016 14:34:17 GMT -5
When I got divorced, I did online dating for awhile. A lot of the divorced men seemed to feel that they had been trapped in sexless marriages for quite awhile. These were men in their fifties. According to them, their wives were mostly interested in the marriage for the trappings (nice house, successful partners) and the children. It's one side of the story, and that's all. Hearing the story was actually a turn-off for me. I'd appreciate someone who was honest and had the guts to leave and get what they want. Looking for sex on the side seems to me the coward's way. You missing the point. Nobody is looking. Some do. Daily. Some just wallow in their misery until Ta-da!!!
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jul 8, 2016 16:47:42 GMT -5
When I got divorced, I did online dating for awhile. A lot of the divorced men seemed to feel that they had been trapped in sexless marriages for quite awhile. These were men in their fifties. According to them, their wives were mostly interested in the marriage for the trappings (nice house, successful partners) and the children. It's one side of the story, and that's all. Hearing the story was actually a turn-off for me. So we are sure here that not one man/woman trapped in those marriages and would stay to the end IF suddenly they had not met someone that they weren't looking for but founded accidentally and wished to turn life around? And telling the truth abut their unhappiness? Isn't that the undercurrent in "Bridges of Madison county"? That it's admirable to stay in a loveless marriage to honor your commitment (even if you were unhappy)? I'll admit I didn't see the movie - but I did slog thru the book and just didn't get it. I didn't have the "aw! that was so romatic" response - I had the "OmG! now I'm depressed. that was awful." response. I was NOT the target audience for this story.
Depending on the culture (and your age) I suspect few people in America would be 'honor bound' to a loveless marriage. They might opt to stay because it's "comfortable" and there isn't any solid reason to leave, though.
I suspect the Duggar's would be a good example of being "honor bound" to continue on in a "loveless" marriage (not to mention an abusive one). Marriage is til death.
FWIW: Catholic marriage is also until death... divorce is still a no-no.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 8, 2016 20:50:56 GMT -5
I'd appreciate someone who was honest and had the guts to leave and get what they want. Looking for sex on the side seems to me the coward's way. You missing the point. Nobody is looking. Some do. Daily. Some just wallow in their misery until Ta-da!!! Its OK. I often miss your point, but luckily others get mine.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 8, 2016 22:57:07 GMT -5
FWIW: Catholic marriage is also until death... divorce is still a no-no.
Unless you have a good case for annulment. If DH and I would have divorced, I probably would have had a a good shot at annulment. I also think, that Catholicism is changing under Pope Francis. It's going to take time for it to really take hold.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 9, 2016 9:37:04 GMT -5
FWIW: Catholic marriage is also until death... divorce is still a no-no.
Unless you have a good case for annulment. If DH and I would have divorced, I probably would have had a a good shot at annulment. I also think, that Catholicism is changing under Pope Francis. It's going to take time for it to really take hold. Is your husband abusive? Why good shot at annulment? (Not that it is what this thread is all about:))
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 9, 2016 10:21:52 GMT -5
So we are sure here that not one man/woman trapped in those marriages and would stay to the end IF suddenly they had not met someone that they weren't looking for but founded accidentally and wished to turn life around? And telling the truth abut their unhappiness? Isn't that the undercurrent in "Bridges of Madison county"? That it's admirable to stay in a loveless marriage to honor your commitment (even if you were unhappy)? I'll admit I didn't see the movie - but I did slog thru the book and just didn't get it. I didn't have the "aw! that was so romatic" response - I had the "OmG! now I'm depressed. that was awful." response. I was NOT the target audience for this story.
Depending on the culture (and your age) I suspect few people in America would be 'honor bound' to a loveless marriage. They might opt to stay because it's "comfortable" and there isn't any solid reason to leave, though.
I suspect the Duggar's would be a good example of being "honor bound" to continue on in a "loveless" marriage (not to mention an abusive one). Marriage is til death.
FWIW: Catholic marriage is also until death... divorce is still a no-no.
I read that book and felt the same way. When I expressed my negative opinion about the book, and older lady said in a very snarky tone "You have just never been in that situation!" I held my tongue and thought: True - I have never stayed in a loveless marriage pining for a short-lived romance that was likely based on a lack of really knowing who the other person was. This whole 'love at first sight' thing - it is easy to do, especially when that person is gone after a short encounter. True love is waking up next to the dirty underpants, and seeing all the gross truth and still wanting to be there with that person. Everyone has gross, they can hide it really well for quite a while. Loving someone for a month is no big deal. Loving someone for a decade is different. So, all of these stories where people spend a week with someone and then think about them forever - what an idiot.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 9, 2016 12:12:12 GMT -5
Isn't that the undercurrent in "Bridges of Madison county"? That it's admirable to stay in a loveless marriage to honor your commitment (even if you were unhappy)? I'll admit I didn't see the movie - but I did slog thru the book and just didn't get it. I didn't have the "aw! that was so romatic" response - I had the "OmG! now I'm depressed. that was awful." response. I was NOT the target audience for this story.
Depending on the culture (and your age) I suspect few people in America would be 'honor bound' to a loveless marriage. They might opt to stay because it's "comfortable" and there isn't any solid reason to leave, though.
I suspect the Duggar's would be a good example of being "honor bound" to continue on in a "loveless" marriage (not to mention an abusive one). Marriage is til death.
FWIW: Catholic marriage is also until death... divorce is still a no-no.
I read that book and felt the same way. When I expressed my negative opinion about the book, and older lady said in a very snarky tone "You have just never been in that situation!" I held my tongue and thought: True - I have never stayed in a loveless marriage pining for a short-lived romance that was likely based on a lack of really knowing who the other person was. This whole 'love at first sight' thing - it is easy to do, especially when that person is gone after a short encounter. True love is waking up next to the dirty underpants, and seeing all the gross truth and still wanting to be there with that person. Everyone has gross, they can hide it really well for quite a while. Loving someone for a month is no big deal. Loving someone for a decade is different. So, all of these stories where people and tspend a week with someone hen think about them forever - what an idiot. Yeah, I just read this story where she fell in love with married man and in 2 month she is already insisting on him leaving his family! And he said NO and Never and she is 'devastated' and crying herself to sleep and hiding in a dark room and not eating...what an idiot!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 17, 2016 10:38:48 GMT -5
I saw Romeo and Juliet at a Shakespeare festival last weekend. It was amazing, but really a terrible story if you think about it.
First off, Romeo is a real weeny. First he is all whiney and moaning about Roslin, and then his obnoxious frat boy friends crash a party where he sees a 13 year old girl from across the room and he becomes all heartsick. The girl is a typical teenager, and gives everyone a bunch of grief and then everyone kills themself.
Meanwhile, they haven't spoken more than a few times. I am pretty sure she never even smelled one of his farts. She might feel different if she got to know him. They didn't even have to decide who was worse - Trump or Hillary. Finding out he fully supported one of them could ruin everything.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 17, 2016 12:09:47 GMT -5
I saw Romeo and Juliet at a Shakespeare festival last weekend. It was amazing, but really a terrible story if you think about it. First off, Romeo is a real weeny. First he is all whiney and moaning about Roslin, and then his obnoxious frat boy friends crash a party where he sees a 13 year old girl from across the room and he becomes all heartsick. The girl is a typical teenager, and gives everyone a bunch of grief and then everyone kills themself. Meanwhile, they haven't spoken more than a few times. I am pretty sure she never even smelled one of his farts. She might feel different if she got to know him. They didn't even have to decide who was worse - Trump or Hillary. Finding out he fully supported one of them could ruin everything. Why did you have to suck all the life out of that story? We all know it's pretend!!!!!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 17, 2016 12:28:53 GMT -5
The thing I did like about it is that I know up until the 20th century, marriage was a business proposition. Knowing that the concept of love was all mixed up in there gives some historical perspective.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2016 18:17:26 GMT -5
A couple of days ago I commented to a friend that being "in love" is easy. Staying in love over decades of snoring and farts is hard.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 17, 2016 18:31:41 GMT -5
A couple of days ago I commented to a friend that being "in love" is easy. Staying in love over decades of snoring and farts is hard. What's the deal with people who think it's okay to fart in front of their spouse or SO? I get that sometimes it happens but even my dad was piggy about it and thought it was funny. His brother chided him about it one time and he thought it was hysterical that his brother didn't fart in front of his wife. My mom and I thought it was a considerate gesture. Impossible to maintain but the thought was there. It's not cute or funny unless you're immature.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 17, 2016 18:41:27 GMT -5
A couple of days ago I commented to a friend that being "in love" is easy. Staying in love over decades of snoring and farts is hard. What's the deal with people who think it's okay to fart in front of their spouse or SO? I get that sometimes it happens but even my dad was piggy about it and thought it was funny. His brother chided him about it one time and he thought it was hysterical that his brother didn't fart in front of his wife. My mom and I thought it was a considerate gesture. Impossible to maintain but the thought was there. It's not cute or funny unless you're immature. [br It's a guy thing. I had a boyfriend who thought it was funny to do it during sex. That was short lived. I can't.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 17, 2016 18:46:44 GMT -5
What's the deal with people who think it's okay to fart in front of their spouse or SO? I get that sometimes it happens but even my dad was piggy about it and thought it was funny. His brother chided him about it one time and he thought it was hysterical that his brother didn't fart in front of his wife. My mom and I thought it was a considerate gesture. Impossible to maintain but the thought was there. It's not cute or funny unless you're immature. [br It's a guy thing. I had a boyfriend who thought it was funny to do it during sex. That was short lived. I can't. Omg, no. Sex has enough embarrassing noises and smells anyway, why add to it?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 17, 2016 18:48:51 GMT -5
And you know it would be different if WE were doing the farting.... OMG, WOMEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!!!!!! <<eye roll>>
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2016 18:55:24 GMT -5
What's the deal with people who think it's okay to fart in front of their spouse or SO? I get that sometimes it happens but even my dad was piggy about it and thought it was funny. His brother chided him about it one time and he thought it was hysterical that his brother didn't fart in front of his wife. My mom and I thought it was a considerate gesture. Impossible to maintain but the thought was there. It's not cute or funny unless you're immature. [br It's a guy thing. I had a boyfriend who thought it was funny to do it during sex. That was short lived. I can't. WTH?! That party woulda been over immediately.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 17, 2016 18:58:47 GMT -5
[br It's a guy thing. I had a boyfriend who thought it was funny to do it during sex. That was short lived. I can't. WTH?! That party woulda been over immediately. It was a guy I went with in HS. Immaturity at it's grossest.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 17, 2016 19:37:04 GMT -5
Yes, I get its funny and around the guys or in the locker room, whatever , but in front of someone you care about supposedly? Plus, when it's made clear that the person you've just acted like a pig in front of doesn't think it's amusing, grow up and knock it off. I get that farts happen but when it's done out of sheer laziness or because you think it's amusing, gross. Go to the bathroom already and take a poop. Your body is begging you to and so are your victims.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 17, 2016 20:15:06 GMT -5
And you know it would be different if WE were doing the farting.... OMG, WOMEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!!!!!! <<eye roll>> I fart in front of my husband. If I can't let it go around him, who can I trust.
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