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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2015 21:12:26 GMT -5
My son's family is supposed to celebrate Thanksgiving with us on Friday. (My daughter's family is coming on Saturday.) We gave up on the actual day years ago. DH said just to stake claim on Friday and quit letting it hurt me. So I have.
We usually have my DIL's mom over as well because she's basically alone. Her partner died several years ago And we like her mom a lot. So when I invited her mom, her mom said she'd love to come, but she spent Friday nights sitting with her mother. No problem. We'd have it early enough for her to get there by 6 p.m.
So we hadn't set a definite time but were thinking about 1 or maybe even 3 on Friday. It's a fairly traditional meal. Then we ran into my DIL and her mother when we were at Costco this morning. We decided to set a time. My DIL said they'd be over at 10:30, and we could eat at 11. Then the youngest boys could get their naps at 1.
Even her mother was startled, but then she threw in the nap thing so her mother said ok. Dh can't really hear that well in a crowd and missed the whole thing. When he did hear, he was annoyed. Exactly what time does she expect us to get up to cook a Thanksgiving dinner to be ready at 11 a.m.? He was going to get rotisserie chickens, but who has them ready at 10 a.m.? (She knew the menu.) Is anyone even going to be hungry enough to do a dinner justice at 11 a.m.? He's sure the kids' naps have been delayed before.
For him, this smacks of "why bother" They are obviously only coming over here because they have to so "let's do it early and get it over with." She's not cooking or bringing anything so she's not really thinking how difficult it will be for me to pull it off that early. He's really unhappy because he feels that my family does this sort of stuff to me all the time.
I'm caught in the middle, of course. But actually I am siding with DH on this one. I have nine grandchildren, and hers aren't even the youngest. We've never planned on people arriving at 10:30/dinner at 11 because of naps before.
Do those of you with children make this type of demands on your parents/inlaws?
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 23, 2015 21:16:15 GMT -5
Plan on 11. Make it 11:45. Don't get all crazy about it
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Nov 23, 2015 21:16:29 GMT -5
Not happy. I'd suggest DIL pick a time after the 1PM nap. Maybe 3PM would work for her?
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Nov 23, 2015 21:18:41 GMT -5
Let the kids eat early. Then off to naps. The adults can eat afterward closer to noon.
Buy Costco rotisserie chickens already cooked and reheat them. Nearly everything can be made in advance and reheated.
We usually set a noon-ish time. Peeps wander in as they can. Some come only for dessert because they have so many other rellie stops to make.
Being flexible relieves the stress.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Nov 23, 2015 21:20:00 GMT -5
I would be a bit taken aback. Can't they come over after the kids have their naps at 1? Or can you cancel and make it Saturday when your daughter will be there as well? I'm not certain if there's a reason why both of the kids can't be there with their families at the same time, but wouldn't that be easier rather than having two different celebrations?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2015 21:19:44 GMT -5
That would be the risk you take when you ask someone when would be good for them. You should have just picked a time and told them when to be there. Anyway, if you put the order in ahead of time your local grocery store can have your chickens ready in plenty of time.
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garion2003
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Post by garion2003 on Nov 23, 2015 21:31:36 GMT -5
Serve scrambled eggs, pancakes, and turkey bacon.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 23, 2015 21:39:48 GMT -5
I would not impose on anyone by setting the time of the meal that early (that is crazy), but if my mom was waffling on an actual time and really wanted to see DD for the holiday I would just offer to host here instead. A lot easier to get DD down for a nap when she is already in familiar surroundings than to have her fall asleep in the car 10 minutes from home. With divorced parents, it can also be very hard to fit in all the required family time while still trying to carve out some traditions of your own. We manage to piss off/shortchange pretty much everyone every year while still not spending much time just the three of us (which, honestly, does make me feel like "why bother" -- if everyone is going to feel slighted anyway, may as well do what we want. The people who go to the Bahamas over Christmas have it figured out. ) I don't know how applicable any of that is to your situation or even how old the kids are. I only know what it is like to travel 1+ hours each way to our parents' and ILs' houses with a cranky 2yo who has missed her nap, and the weekend of hell that follows.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2015 21:44:28 GMT -5
I would be a bit taken aback. Can't they come over after the kids have their naps at 1? Or can you cancel and make it Saturday when your daughter will be there as well? I'm not certain if there's a reason why both of the kids can't be there with their families at the same time, but wouldn't that be easier rather than having two different celebrations? I can't watch nine children AND cook the dinner by myself singlehandedly. I've done that when it was only eight. The stress was awful. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. So I came up with the separate days. Plus, together the two families and us equal sixteen people. My dining room isn't that big so we can't even eat in the same room if we are all together. I don't want to feed anyone chicken from two days ago. Our grocery stores are closed on Thursday so it would be Wednesday's chicken on Friday. And I don't think the grocery store has chicken ready at 10 a.m. just because you request it. If they did, it would also probably be Wednesday's chicken. I would like the food to be fresher than that. Yes, I should have just said what time dinner was. And that is what I will now do. But this took all the fun out of getting together. It now feels to us like a chore they just want to get done. DH says we are calling to change the time. He is really unhappy about this. I am just a smartass who wants to tell them we are changing the menu to breakfast if it will be that early. What kind of cereal do they prefer?
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Nov 23, 2015 21:48:26 GMT -5
Either change the time or plan a large brunch rather than rotisserie chicken.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Nov 23, 2015 21:49:22 GMT -5
I would probably go for a honey ham at this point and just heat it up early and offer honey ham or a ham and cheese omelets. But then I am terrible with whole poultry.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2015 21:53:38 GMT -5
I would not impose on anyone by setting the time of the meal that early (that is crazy), but if my mom was waffling on an actual time and really wanted to see DD for the holiday I would just offer to host here instead. A lot easier to get DD down for a nap when she is already in familiar surroundings than to have her fall asleep in the car 10 minutes from home. With divorced parents, it can also be very hard to fit in all the required family time while still trying to carve out some traditions of your own. We manage to piss off/shortchange pretty much everyone every year while still not spending much time just the three of us (which, honestly, does make me feel like "why bother" -- if everyone is going to feel slighted anyway, may as well do what we want. The people who go to the Bahamas over Christmas have it figured out. ) I don't know how applicable any of that is to your situation or even how old the kids are. I only know what it is like to travel 1+ hours each way to our parents' and ILs' houses with a cranky 2yo who has missed her nap, and the weekend of hell that follows. I have suggested to both my daughter and daugher-in-law that they host. Neither wants to because of the cleaning and cooking that is involved. I do understand that with that many kids each, it is difficult to do that. My son and DIL live 20 minutes away. If lunch is at 12, the kids can take their naps by 1:30. It is not ideal, but it is definitely not the first time they didn't nap at 1 o'clock. My DIL keeps the church nursery every Sunday. They aren't napping by 1 p.m. on Sundays. I think they don't want to come. That hurts. It is also annoying because it does involve time and money to host them. If they don't want to come, why bother. DH told me just to call tomorrow and say that doesn't work for us and tell her that lunch is at 12.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 23, 2015 21:55:21 GMT -5
Plan on 11. Make it 11:45. Don't get all crazy about it Great idea!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2015 21:59:57 GMT -5
Plan on 11. Make it 11:45. Don't get all crazy about it Great idea! Lol. I think I'll start quoting myself, too. Can you also like your own posts?
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 23, 2015 22:01:30 GMT -5
Lol. I think I'll start quoting myself, too. Can you also like your own posts? Yup
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Nov 23, 2015 22:09:16 GMT -5
I think you should have just given them a time, but since that's over and done with, call and bump it back, or just not serve lunch until noon. My ILs did their Thanksgiving dinner at 2pm yesterday, which is right in the middle of DS's nap. So, we got there early, hung out with them and helped, and I got DS to take a short nap before lunch. Not what I'd do on a daily basis, but no big deal once in a while.
Also, do you ask your kids to bring anything? Make life easier on yourself and give them a side or two to bring.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 23, 2015 22:15:43 GMT -5
How would I feel based on my relationship with my mother? I don't think you want that answer.
I agree with the observation that when you ask someone when is convenient for them, don't be surprised by any answer.
I also second that in the future just telling them a time or a choice of two times.
I third calling them tomorrow and telling them it just won't work out this year. Then call the other grandma and ask her if she wants to come over in the afternoon.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2015 22:23:29 GMT -5
My Aunt called me and told me Thanksgiving dinner is at 4:30. I said "ok, what do you want me to bring?". That's how it's always been with my family. Everybody meets at one house, the host sets the time. Parents are responsible.for.their own kids but we all entertain the little ones and keep an eye on them.
I think it's nice to try to be accommodating, but having Thanksgiving dinner at 11 am seems like a bit much to me, and I've never even tried to cook Thanksgiving dinner. If the point is to share a meal and enjoy each other's company for the holiday I'd change the menu to breakfast or brunch or change the time. If the point is to just be able to say you all saw each other and cross it off a to-do list, I'd be tempted to cancel.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Nov 23, 2015 23:06:52 GMT -5
Our family always has the big dinners between 1-4 sometime. I think it is at 3 this year so I will show up early since it is in another state. I was given second hand invitation so I told her to tell the hostess I would bring Chex mix unless she wanted me to bring the pies or something, my SIL says she was already doing the pies and now says she didn't ask just said I was bringing Chex mix. We always bring something snack, homemade rolls, side dishes or deserts a host makes the meat and potatoes, gravy and stuffing that is enough. For the 11 AM Thanksgiving I would tell her you can't be done that early but will do 1PM so the kids won't be too late for their naps. I wanted a baby for Thanksgiving I heard last spring the daughter of the host was pregnant so asked when she was due. She had ultrasound on her birthday and the babies brain was outside the skull, she aborted on her brother's birthday. The youngest in the entire family now is 16, we need another generation but they aren't trying again yet still sad from last spring. I want to buy baby gifts they should have babies for me to buy things for.
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quince
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Post by quince on Nov 23, 2015 23:50:09 GMT -5
I don't think it is OK to make the assumption that delaying the kids naps is fine...and yes, if you ask what time works, don't be surprised if the answer isn't what you want. If you have a limited span of time that is OK, SAY SO. Say that anytime between x and y works. Seems...like a communication problem? If you're having people over for Thanksgiving, you should be able to work out a time that works for everyone, and you should know if it is a chore they are getting out of the way or if they want to spend time with you. I don't make demands at all of my parents/in-laws, but they don't get to make demands of me, either. If they ask me when I want to do something, and give no guidance, I will give them the best time that works for me, and not waste energy guessing at what works for them, if they haven't communicated it. If it doesn't work for them...they can say so, and we can shoot for another time, or maybe do something next year. Talk to them. Either there is a time that works for you and them, or there isn't. There's no point in being hurt or upset by them picking a time if you haven't let them know it doesn't work for you. We will be arriving at my parents' house on Thursday at about 11. Probably have fruit and cheese and crackers out, and I'll help my mom finish up the cooking, and we'll eat when the food and the people are all ready to eat/be eaten. My parents host, because my husband and I don't care enough about holidays to do so- we'd be happy just treating it like a regular day.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 24, 2015 0:00:17 GMT -5
I would feel like I'm related (by blood or marriage) to batshit crazy people if they got up before noon and it's not for work, surgery, or an emergency. Expecting me to cook and serve "dinner" at 11:00 a.m. would confirm it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 24, 2015 0:05:22 GMT -5
So you know I have 3 little kids. The only time I make people adhere to my kids' schedule is on my kids' bdays. All other holidays are celebrated when they are celebrated.
My mom usually asks me what would I prefer, and tries to accommodate, if possible. If not, kids deal with it.
My IL's......well.....they do whatever the hell they want at their house. But since I don't go there and it's my husband who would have to deal with the fall out - I stay out of it.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 24, 2015 0:15:48 GMT -5
My son's family is supposed to celebrate Thanksgiving with us on Friday. (My daughter's family is coming on Saturday.) We gave up on the actual day years ago. DH said just to stake claim on Friday and quit letting it hurt me. So I have. We usually have my DIL's mom over as well because she's basically alone. Her partner died several years ago And we like her mom a lot. So when I invited her mom, her mom said she'd love to come, but she spent Friday nights sitting with her mother. No problem. We'd have it early enough for her to get there by 6 p.m. So we hadn't set a definite time but were thinking about 1 or maybe even 3 on Friday. It's a fairly traditional meal. Then we ran into my DIL and her mother when we were at Costco this morning. We decided to set a time. My DIL said they'd be over at 10:30, and we could eat at 11. Then the youngest boys could get their naps at 1. Even her mother was startled, but then she threw in the nap thing so her mother said ok. Dh can't really hear that well in a crowd and missed the whole thing. When he did hear, he was annoyed. Exactly what time does she expect us to get up to cook a Thanksgiving dinner to be ready at 11 a.m.? He was going to get rotisserie chickens, but who has them ready at 10 a.m.? (She knew the menu.) Is anyone even going to be hungry enough to do a dinner justice at 11 a.m.? He's sure the kids' naps have been delayed before. For him, this smacks of "why bother" They are obviously only coming over here because they have to so "let's do it early and get it over with." She's not cooking or bringing anything so she's not really thinking how difficult it will be for me to pull it off that early. He's really unhappy because he feels that my family does this sort of stuff to me all the time. I'm caught in the middle, of course. But actually I am siding with DH on this one. I have nine grandchildren, and hers aren't even the youngest. We've never planned on people arriving at 10:30/dinner at 11 because of naps before. Do those of you with children make this type of demands on your parents/inlaws? I'm answering again because I realized you didn't ask how I felt or how I would have handled it; you asked if I made these demands on my parents/inlaws.
Here's my new answer:
Yes, and quite frankly (know that this is about my relationship with my mother, not you ) I feel like I get to. Neither my mother-in-law nor my mother are employed by choice. Neither are ridiculously wealthy, but they are by no means poor. Both my husband and I work full time. I have two adult children and two minor children in school full time and both have extra-curricular activities which I'm not often willing to avoid. We currently live two hours' drive away from my mother's house and three hours in the other direction from my MIL. Because my mother is a dirty hoarder (as opposed to an organized, clean hoarder), we will not stay at her house. We do stay overnight at my MIL's house. We have a small dog whom we do not wish to impose on people's homes, but we do have to take care of him. We have placed significant value on having a full night's sleep and having an organized household. We choose to not sacrifice those portions of our lives, and we also plan our schedules around those necessities. We cannot take certain days off because of the type of work that we do.
We are willing to pay for meals and/or bring food. We are willing to help clean up.
If someone tells us a time, and it doesn't work for us, we politely decline. We have been known to say "We can show up at this time; please don't worry about feeding us, we just want to see everyone and not eat."
We are willing to drive to and from within one day, but that sometimes limits the amount of time we can be places.
So, when you look at it from my mother's point of view that I'm a wretched snob, yes we make demands. My MIL doesn't seem to worry too much about it--at least she hasn't indicated so.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 24, 2015 0:46:59 GMT -5
If people ask what time works for us, I freaking tell them. I don't push for others to accommodate our schedule, but I will ask if possible. They also can't get too upset with me if they have a plan in mind, but don't share it with me. I'm not a mind-reader.
My three year old turns into the devil incarnate at 11:30 am like clock work, particularly at the ends of weeks. She doesn't nap for two or three days from Sunday-Tuesday, so by Thursday and/or Friday, she is a bear. Even my older two kids know this.
Last week Friday, I had to carry her out of my friends' house with no shoes, socks or coat on. Because she wasn't going to cooperate when it was time to leave and her behavior wasn't very good anymore.
My three year old will pee on the floor when she's upset. It's also common for her to strip down to her birthday suit in a time out when she's upset. Because she still feels like she's in control...
So, in our situation, yes, it is worth it for us to ask folks to accommodate DD2's schedule if possible. Especially once they have witnessed her at her worst, they usually don't want to see it again...
I guess I don't see what the big deal is. Find sides that you can make ahead of time. Or ask more people to bring things. Warm up the chicken in the oven before the meal. A few weeks ago, I had DD1's family birthday party. We had people over at 4pm. I was out of the house from 8:45am-2:30 pm. I made the sides the day before and got up and cooked the ribs before I left for the day. I was ready to entertain at 4pm even though I wasn't even at home for most of the day..
When we get together with folks, it's generally for brunch. We warn the kids for a few days ahead of time that they won't be able to eat a big huge breakfast. Trust me, when the kids literally eat less than 200 calories for breakfast, they are good and ready to eat at 11am. DH and I are able to monitor our breakfast intake as well, to accommodate eating at an earlier time...
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Nov 24, 2015 6:12:22 GMT -5
We've had Thanksgiving at 11am some years to accommodate guests who were going to two Thanksgivings. What is so hard about 11am?
I don't know about your DIL but there were a couple years of my life where "nap time" was the only sacred half hour in the day that I got to myself. Yes, I would have done everything to protect that.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Nov 24, 2015 6:53:48 GMT -5
I would not impose on anyone by setting the time of the meal that early (that is crazy), but if my mom was waffling on an actual time and really wanted to see DD for the holiday I would just offer to host here instead. A lot easier to get DD down for a nap when she is already in familiar surroundings than to have her fall asleep in the car 10 minutes from home. With divorced parents, it can also be very hard to fit in all the required family time while still trying to carve out some traditions of your own. We manage to piss off/shortchange pretty much everyone every year while still not spending much time just the three of us (which, honestly, does make me feel like "why bother" -- if everyone is going to feel slighted anyway, may as well do what we want. The people who go to the Bahamas over Christmas have it figured out. ) I don't know how applicable any of that is to your situation or even how old the kids are. I only know what it is like to travel 1+ hours each way to our parents' and ILs' houses with a cranky 2yo who has missed her nap, and the weekend of hell that follows. I have suggested to both my daughter and daugher-in-law that they host. Neither wants to because of the cleaning and cooking that is involved. I do understand that with that many kids each, it is difficult to do that. My son and DIL live 20 minutes away. If lunch is at 12, the kids can take their naps by 1:30. It is not ideal, but it is definitely not the first time they didn't nap at 1 o'clock. My DIL keeps the church nursery every Sunday. They aren't napping by 1 p.m. on Sundays. I think they don't want to come. That hurts. It is also annoying because it does involve time and money to host them. If they don't want to come, why bother. DH told me just to call tomorrow and say that doesn't work for us and tell her that lunch is at 12. Be careful that you aren't reading more into this than their actually is. I don't think you should make the assumption that they don't want to come or that they are trying to sabatoge you in some way. In reality, they may just be very overwhelmed, stressed young parents who really aren't thinking about anything except how to manage the holidays and getting done what they have to get done. Don't take it personally. Not sure why the nap thing is so rigid. But, some young moms are very rigid and that is their way. Personally, i think it would be better to eat later after they have napped and are refreshed. As for dinner, not sure i would want to eat a full meal at 1100 am. But, every family does things differently. I agree with some other suggestions on opting for a brunch like a breakfast casserole or pancakes, waffles, eggs. Ham is also much easier. Heat and eat.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Nov 24, 2015 7:04:48 GMT -5
I would be a bit taken aback. Can't they come over after the kids have their naps at 1? Or can you cancel and make it Saturday when your daughter will be there as well? I'm not certain if there's a reason why both of the kids can't be there with their families at the same time, but wouldn't that be easier rather than having two different celebrations? I can't watch nine children AND cook the dinner by myself singlehandedly. I've done that when it was only eight. The stress was awful. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. So I came up with the separate days. Plus, together the two families and us equal sixteen people. My dining room isn't that big so we can't even eat in the same room if we are all together. I don't want to feed anyone chicken from two days ago. Our grocery stores are closed on Thursday so it would be Wednesday's chicken on Friday. And I don't think the grocery store has chicken ready at 10 a.m. just because you request it. If they did, it would also probably be Wednesday's chicken. I would like the food to be fresher than that. Yes, I should have just said what time dinner was. And that is what I will now do. But this took all the fun out of getting together. It now feels to us like a chore they just want to get done. DH says we are calling to change the time. He is really unhappy about this. I am just a smartass who wants to tell them we are changing the menu to breakfast if it will be that early. What kind of cereal do they prefer? Why are you baby sitting and cooking? Where are parents?
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Nov 24, 2015 7:08:14 GMT -5
I have suggested to both my daughter and daugher-in-law that they host. Neither wants to because of the cleaning and cooking that is involved. I do understand that with that many kids each, it is difficult to do that. My son and DIL live 20 minutes away. If lunch is at 12, the kids can take their naps by 1:30. It is not ideal, but it is definitely not the first time they didn't nap at 1 o'clock. My DIL keeps the church nursery every Sunday. They aren't napping by 1 p.m. on Sundays. I think they don't want to come. That hurts. It is also annoying because it does involve time and money to host them. If they don't want to come, why bother. DH told me just to call tomorrow and say that doesn't work for us and tell her that lunch is at 12. Be careful that you aren't reading more into this than their actually is. I don't think you should make the assumption that they don't want to come or that they are trying to sabatoge you in some way. In reality, they may just be very overwhelmed, stressed young parents who really aren't thinking about anything except how to manage the holidays and getting done what they have to get done. Don't take it personally. Not sure why the nap thing is so rigid. But, some young moms are very rigid and that is their way. Personally, i think it would be better to eat later after they have napped and are refreshed. As for dinner, not sure i would want to eat a full meal at 1100 am. But, every family does things differently. I agree with some other suggestions on opting for a brunch like a breakfast casserole or pancakes, waffles, eggs. Ham is also much easier. Heat and eat. I can't like this enough. I was that rigid mom but my baby was crying 18 hours a day for about 6 months. My relatives did not understand why I didn't want to constantly be over their houses. I just couldn't handle it at that time. Now things are different but I know many things were read into and some people still have hard feelings. I'm ok with being viewed as a permanent bitch though, my kids come first.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Nov 24, 2015 7:21:38 GMT -5
I am sure that when i was a young mother, i was probably less than thoughtful of how that impacted my mom. I was just trying to survive. Get things done, go to work, take care of the house, keep track of which kid needed what, pay the bills, etc. As my kids grew older and i could step back and really appreciate how much my mom did and helped me. And, it is part of growing as an adult. And, then when she was elderly and ill, the tables turned and it was my turn to be at her beck and call and side. And, it was my privilege to be by her side. So, now that my kids are in their teens and my starting to transistion to college and adulthood and have girlfriends, i try to remember that and try to be flexible knowing there is a lot going on in their lives and that we all have different Seasons of our lives.
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whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 24, 2015 7:43:36 GMT -5
We've had Thanksgiving at 11am some years to accommodate guests who were going to two Thanksgivings. What is so hard about 11am?
I don't know about your DIL but there were a couple years of my life where "nap time" was the only sacred half hour in the day that I got to myself. Yes, I would have done everything to protect that. But how can you eat a full turkey meal that early?
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