thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,763
|
Post by thyme4change on Oct 11, 2015 14:55:27 GMT -5
Or am I just being a total bitch?
We have a neighbor boy who is 5+ years younger than my son. His parents are divorced and have 50/50 custody. The father lives next door to his brother and they spend a lot of time together. They have a boy a year (ish) younger, but there are no other kids around. When the boy is here, the only kids he ever, ever plays with are my kids. No friends come over, he doesn't play with the kids in the neighborhood, no siblings or other cousins. His mom says he does well at school, but noted that it seems like every week he is hanging out with different kids.
I encouraged friendships for my kids. I arranged a lot of kids coming over, etc. My kids both have deep, long lasting friendships and seem to fit in with a wider group of kids at school. Because the neighbor has such a different approach, I am just wondering. Does anyone think it is weird that this kid, who is pretty normal otherwise, names among his close friends my husband, and the lady his Mom hangs out with, as well as a couple of kids who are quite a bit older than him, but can't really name off any friends his own age?
I am sure it will all work out. I am just having a hard time adjusting my thinking. You guys are always good to provide a variety of viewpoints.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 2:30:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2015 14:57:26 GMT -5
No. Having only friends your own age is actually a little weird.
|
|
Robert not Bobby
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 29, 2013 17:45:55 GMT -5
Posts: 1,392
|
Post by Robert not Bobby on Oct 11, 2015 15:08:06 GMT -5
I am just having a hard time adjusting my thinking. You guys are always good to provide a variety of viewpoints.
I think your mind is racing a little too fast and reaching conclusions that may not be warranted. I say this with all due respect, kids don't all have to be social butterflies. Of course, if you see any kind of abuse or such, you know what to do, otherwise, stay out of it.
Who knows, that child could be the next Steve Jobs (or fill in the blank for someone you think is worthy and brilliant and camefrom humble origins).
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,763
|
Post by thyme4change on Oct 11, 2015 15:16:54 GMT -5
No. Having only friends your own age is actually a little weird. But he doesn't appear to have ANY friends his own age.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,763
|
Post by thyme4change on Oct 11, 2015 15:36:41 GMT -5
I am just having a hard time adjusting my thinking. You guys are always good to provide a variety of viewpoints. I think your mind is racing a little too fast and reaching conclusions that may not be warranted. I say this with all due respect, kids don't all have to be social butterflies. Of course, if you see any kind of abuse or such, you know what to do, otherwise, stay out of it. Who knows, that child could be the next Steve Jobs (or fill in the blank for someone you think is worthy and brilliant and camefrom humble origins). He is very, very social. That is why I think it is so weird that he only has a strong relationship with (I assume) his cousin - and no other kids.
|
|
Robert not Bobby
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 29, 2013 17:45:55 GMT -5
Posts: 1,392
|
Post by Robert not Bobby on Oct 11, 2015 15:40:17 GMT -5
Thyme, maybe you are overthinking this...I don't know?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 2:30:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2015 15:42:41 GMT -5
Not everyone has the same personality type, or the same level of social skills. Some kids who are very chatting and outgoing in groups, actually also need a lot of alone time and like that as well, enjoy it even. Some kids who are like that don't understand the weird rule that they are supposed to relate mostly with kids their own age. Some kids like that are actually rejected by other kids because they don't abide by the same social rules they do... they talk about different things, aren't as 'polite', he might still be learning how to have relationships. some of us have to learn those things, it doesn't come naturally, maybe he likes doing other things besides socializing as well...
I guess I find it odd that you seem to want to blame this parent because his kids aren't exactly like yours? ... Is there some evidence of failure to thrive of the child?
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,763
|
Post by thyme4change on Oct 11, 2015 15:49:00 GMT -5
Did not blame the parent.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 2:30:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2015 15:51:49 GMT -5
I must have read the OP wrong then. My vote is still, based on what you have said, No.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 2:30:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2015 16:04:53 GMT -5
The kid sounds like a lot of only children, not weird. Or children who don't find other children all that interesting. DH (not an only) was like that, now he is an engineer.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,720
|
Post by midjd on Oct 11, 2015 16:18:34 GMT -5
I was an "only" until I was 6, and I didn't have any really meaningful friendships with kids my own age til I was probably 11-12. I was friendly enough with everyone but mostly hung out with my cousins (4 yrs older) or the neighbor girls whose dad had them every other weekend (I think they were 2-3 years younger).
As long as he's not being shunned and seems happy enough, I'm sure he will be fine.
|
|
gooddecisions
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:42:28 GMT -5
Posts: 2,418
|
Post by gooddecisions on Oct 11, 2015 16:23:45 GMT -5
You didn't say how old this child is, but agree that it is harder for only children and especially hard if parents are divorced. Give him a break.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 11, 2015 16:42:11 GMT -5
Well I'm divorced with one child that I see about half the time so I'll bite.
DS is 4 and loves "big kids". Really he loves all kids (except babies because they can't do anything). I don't think there's a problem here. You also don't have enough information to form a solid opinion on this child IMO.
|
|
msventoux
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 12, 2011 22:32:37 GMT -5
Posts: 3,037
|
Post by msventoux on Oct 11, 2015 17:18:36 GMT -5
I'm probably not the best person at all to be held up as the picture of socially functional, but I never really had close friends my age until I was an adult. Even as a kid, I didn't like kids. Didn't like the pettiness, drama, "age appropriate" games, etc. and was always drawn to people much older than myself.
If he was locked in his room refusing to interact with anyone, then I would be concerned. If he's interacting with others and capable of joining different groups every week that indicates to me that he's not completely dysfunctional, he just hasn't found his "tribe" yet. And that's okay.
|
|
alabamagal
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 11:30:29 GMT -5
Posts: 8,146
|
Post by alabamagal on Oct 11, 2015 17:19:07 GMT -5
Some kids are different. That is not a bad thing.
My middle child never had any friends in school. He was the kid everyone liked but he just did not relate well as friends. When he went to college everything changed. He had friends and had a girlfriend ( now fiancé).
Just because a kid does not play with a group of others is not that big of a deal
|
|
Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,494
|
Post by Tennesseer on Oct 11, 2015 18:15:07 GMT -5
Thyme-you say his parents have 50-50 custody. Do the parents both live in the same school area as their son attends? Any idea how that 50-50 works school days of week wise?
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Oct 11, 2015 18:22:07 GMT -5
I think it's a little weird too, but my kids are a little weird, so take it with a grain of salt.
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 11, 2015 20:47:56 GMT -5
I'm probably not the best person at all to be held up as the picture of socially functional, but I never really had close friends my age until I was an adult. Even as a kid, I didn't like kids. Didn't like the pettiness, drama, "age appropriate" games, etc. and was always drawn to people much older than myself. If he was locked in his room refusing to interact with anyone, then I would be concerned. If he's interacting with others and capable of joining different groups every week that indicates to me that he's not completely dysfunctional, he just hasn't found his "tribe" yet. And that's okay. OMG You crack me up!! We had our own baseball team when I was a kid because there were so many of us in our family (yours, mine, and ours) but I was never really clique oriented. I like people from all backgrounds, ages, colors, etc. and always have. In high school I had my group of regulars but I had friends from the geek squad, Cheerleading squad, football squad, rockers/pot heads/drinkers , and some shy types/brainiacs, the Keyettes, and Sophomores, Jrs. and Srs... Then after school one of my best friends was 10 years older than me. Kind of how I eat... I like a little of everything from all food groups. If he is doing good and has different friends all the time it sounds like he's doing great. People that can mix with everybody at all ages usually do well in life for the most part. Unless he becomes a politician. Then just end him now. <<shudders>>
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Oct 12, 2015 0:47:55 GMT -5
If the kid is at mom's 50% of the time, you really don't know what is going on there. And, some dads are not going to run around finding play dates. I really think you are reading something into nothing. The world has changed. Kids are not freely roaming around the streets of town like they used too, even here in my small town. And, they see each other in school and other activities. Not every kid wants to be surrounded by other kids all the time.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,070
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 12, 2015 8:13:43 GMT -5
I never really had a ton of friends my own age. I had two "real" friends all thru elementary school that were my age and then lost those in middle school when I had zero desire to play the popularity game.
I didn't have an interest in a lot of the things other kids my own age had interests in. That made it hard to relate, especially in middle school and high school. I finally came out of my shell when I found drama, but even then most of my friends were in the class below or above me.
I really didn't have a ton of friends my own age till college.
I just "march to the beat of my own drummer" as my mom used to say. That made it really hard when I was younger to fit in (and still does sometimes as an adult).
I also happen to be an introvert. I am perfectly happy with a small unit of close friends and then people who come/go out of that orbit. I don't need a ton of people around me to make me happy, in fact it drains me after awhile.
I know in our extreme extroverted culture it appears that there must be something wrong and that I need help. I spent a lot of my life unhappy b/c I was trying to force myself into the mold of the happy cheerful extrovert with 1000s of friends. I am much happier since I embraced who I am and screw what other people think of me.
|
|
ArchietheDragon
Junior Associate
Joined: Jul 7, 2014 14:29:23 GMT -5
Posts: 6,379
|
Post by ArchietheDragon on Oct 12, 2015 8:19:05 GMT -5
As Swampy said, it is weird, but kids are weird.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 12, 2015 9:07:51 GMT -5
I think you are holding your kids up for a benchmark of what you think all kids should have. It's really not fair to make a comparison that what you think you have is healthy, therefore everything else is unhealthy. <shrug> I never had a lot of friends growing up, and even now I have a small group of friends all over the world that are good enough friends that would help me hide a body in 6 different countries.
More isn't always better.....it's just more. And quantity doesn't necessarily mean quality either.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,763
|
Post by thyme4change on Oct 12, 2015 9:12:27 GMT -5
If the kid is at mom's 50% of the time, you really don't know what is going on there. And, some dads are not going to run around finding play dates. I really think you are reading something into nothing. The world has changed. Kids are not freely roaming around the streets of town like they used too, even here in my small town. And, they see each other in school and other activities. Not every kid wants to be surrounded by other kids all the time. I have visibility to the mom's house - not the dad's. The dad's house is where he spends time with his cousin. I also know that kids don't roam like they use to - which is why I mentioned that he didn't have any playdates. When his Grandmother started asking me questions about the situation, we took the long way around the horse, and by the time we got to the end, I guess she had me worked up. My husband was really freaked out that the kid was going around saying that he (as an unrelated 40-something year old man who didn't spend much time with the kid) was the his best friend. He thought that sounded creepy, and if he heard a kid say that, he would question the adult. So, that kind of worked me up too. I still think it is weird that my DH and another 40-something year old, unrelated person who doesn't spend much time with him are the two people he could come up with. Maybe he was just thinking about something where those two people did something awesome and he was stuck there when the question came up. As I said in my original post - I am sure it will all turn out fine.
|
|
mroped
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 17, 2014 17:36:56 GMT -5
Posts: 3,453
|
Post by mroped on Oct 12, 2015 9:14:16 GMT -5
Societal norms don't apply to kids. <br>They can be chatty, quiet or both. Play more with pets than other kids or wanna hang around adults more than around kids.<br><br>Our daughter was chatty from the time she started talking. Never stopped talking, she'd fall asleep talking! approaching people and kids that she didn't know from Adam was just normal to her. We had to constantly worry about her just walking up to anybody.<br>Our son on the other hand, was very quiet, wouldn't associate with nobody but kids of his age or about. He'd rather sit under the table opening his presents at Christmas than associate with anybody.<br>Now, they're both grown( 14 and almost 17) and they are absolutely fine.<br><br>The neighbor has four little ones. Their oldest- 7 or 8 now- by the time he was 4, he'd wake up in the morning and put on work clothes and boots and wanted to go to work.<br>He was acting more like an adult, wanted to be around adults, didn't care much about associating with other kids. Now, in school, all he talks about is his "friends from school"<br><br>as as long as the child is not abused or neglected, he'll grow and become his own person.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Oct 12, 2015 9:21:33 GMT -5
Yes i can where that might creep you husband out.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 12, 2015 10:29:38 GMT -5
How old is the kid? My 4 yr old thinks a door knob is his best friend. My now 7 yr old used to come home from a playground and think that some random kid he met was his best friend. It went away as he got older. I wonder if some kids don't really know what "best friend" means until a certain age. On a side note - I wonder if it's harder now days to form deep friendships as a kid as everything is more scheduled and orchestrated. thyme4change - I think it's awesome that your kids have that.
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 16,868
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Oct 12, 2015 16:51:28 GMT -5
When I was a kid, I had friends my own age, but I preferred hanging out with older kids. As an adult, I've had kids that have said I was one of their best friends. And like you, I thought "what the heck?!" I also felt a little guilty, because although I was polite to the kid, I wasn't best friend nice. Eventually they moved on. I think some kids just like (need?) a little more 1 on 1 with an adult, that isn't their parent. Better to be a best friend, than someone they hate and come back to murder!
|
|
Ryan
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 16, 2014 13:40:36 GMT -5
Posts: 2,217
|
Post by Ryan on Oct 12, 2015 19:08:56 GMT -5
I don't think it's weird at all. Kids are in school like 8 hours a day with their friends plus activities. it's not like they just need to be hanging around with friends all day to be "normal". Maybe he prefers the laid back nature of the dad's house.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,763
|
Post by thyme4change on Oct 12, 2015 19:39:31 GMT -5
Maybe he prefers the laid back nature of the dad's house. ?? I am not sure what this refers to.
|
|
gooddecisions
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:42:28 GMT -5
Posts: 2,418
|
Post by gooddecisions on Oct 12, 2015 19:47:10 GMT -5
Maybe he prefers the laid back nature of the dad's house. ?? I am not sure what this refers to. I am going to guess that it means that stereo-typically dads aren't usually the ones scheduling the playdates and kids activities. I have a very involved husband who is a great dad, but he has never scheduled a play date and does not go to birthday parties. His idea of dad duty involves watching football on t.v. while they play quietly in the next room or nearby or napping with them. My kids are still very young and it's almost always moms at the birthday parties and meet-ups. My female friends also complain that they wished their husbands would take them on their activities and play dates, so I don't think it's that unusual for it to be more "laid-back" at dad's house.
|
|