zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 12:49:27 GMT -5
I bet it does. You get around your family and old habits kick in. My aunt with the double masectomy is still tough as nails. No wonder she didn't lose her hair or throw up during chemo. Chemo was scared shitless to mess with her!!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 14:34:40 GMT -5
I get the impression that you've been a caregiver for a long time (parents, children, spouses) and that you've always striven to meet others' expectations. DH and I were talking the other day about how this can be a potent recipe for unhappiness. You can appear very outwardly successful because you are doing everything "right" and still feel pretty empty inside and wonder why it's not enough. Maybe it's time to take care of you, figure out what you would like life to look life without reference to others, and see what makes you happy? Medication can be a great tool but I wouldn't take it just to be able to take care of others while I am grieving either. Take it for yourself, not to meet someone elses needs. That makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure how to change my nature. But you do what you have to do.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Nov 22, 2015 14:38:00 GMT -5
I'm afraid of becoming dependent on drugs to get me through life. The women in my family just don't. They are the queens of the stiff upper lip club. I can't fail them. I need to measure up to them. I'm not so sure these "queens" are measuring up to you! It takes courage to show vulnerability. Maybe if they had had this courage their and your life would have been easier. Love yourself enough to not feel the need to uphold this unhealthy behavior and know that we love you enough to want only the best for you.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 14:40:22 GMT -5
I'd love to crawl into someone's lap and just cry my eyes out while they just hold me. I need one long super cry. But I'm afraid if I do, I won't stop.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 22, 2015 14:51:14 GMT -5
I know what you mean about medications. I finally asked my Dr for something recently. Despite having tried and stopped probably a held dozen different depression meds, I'm not a huge fan overall. There always seems to be side effects, even if its just a general feeling of numbness. They can get you over a hump, but they aren't magic. I think a support group, or just someone to talk to, + meds if you an extra boost is going to be the most helpful.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Nov 22, 2015 20:27:00 GMT -5
I'd love to crawl into someone's lap and just cry my eyes out while they just hold me. I need one long super cry. But I'm afraid if I do, I won't stop. It is a shame that we are all separated by distance and unable to help each other in person.
Is it possible to have a heart to heart with your daughter and have her help you to grieve? I have cried myself out a few times over the years and felt the better for it afterward. There is a certain honesty in expressing grief that is more strength than weakness.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 22, 2015 20:39:35 GMT -5
I'd love to crawl into someone's lap and just cry my eyes out while they just hold me. I need one long super cry. But I'm afraid if I do, I won't stop. Boy, do I hear that! I've felt the same, zib. Just sure if I let go and cried I wouldn't ever stop. I finally did, though, and I did stop. Oddly enough, it's easier for me to cry now. Somehow, now, it isn't so scary and I don't feel so much like I've failed. I give myself permission to cry and don't hold it over my own head.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 22, 2015 20:49:54 GMT -5
Maybe. If I'm not better after Christmas, I'll talk to him. Zibazinski-it wouldn't hurt to have something light on hand before Christmas. Tell the pcp nothing heavy at this time.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 20:52:34 GMT -5
I'd love to crawl into someone's lap and just cry my eyes out while they just hold me. I need one long super cry. But I'm afraid if I do, I won't stop. It is a shame that we are all separated by distance and unable to help each other in person.
Is it possible to have a heart to heart with your daughter and have her help you to grieve? I have cried myself out a few times over the years and felt the better for it afterward. There is a certain honesty in expressing grief that is more strength than weakness.
No, she didn't like him much. Jealous like his daughter. My whole family is relieved bcuz they worried he'd kill me off taking care of him. So no sympathy there.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2015 20:58:59 GMT -5
Charlotte's Web. You think I'm kidding, Zib, but if you want a guaranteed feel-good cry, reread it.
The need for a good cry is built in. Sometimes it is the only way to release emotions. But crying over your late husband would just depress you.
Reread Charlotte's Web. You will be crying over a spider but also the brevity of our lives here on earth. But everyone makes a difference, and the cycle of life goes on.
I reread it regularly.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 22, 2015 20:59:43 GMT -5
Zibazinski-I mean this in a nice way, but you have always come across as some one who doesn't care that much what others may think of you. Don't worry about what others may think about how you should react. They haven't walked in your shoes, so screw 'em.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 21:09:20 GMT -5
I care what some people think. Not so much others.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Nov 22, 2015 21:13:59 GMT -5
Charlotte's Web. You think I'm kidding, Zib, but if you want a guaranteed feel-good cry, reread it.
The need for a good cry is built in. Sometimes it is the only way to release emotions. But crying over your late husband would just depress you.
Reread Charlotte's Web. You will be crying over a spider but also the brevity of our lives here on earth. But everyone makes a difference, and the cycle of life goes on.
I reread it regularly. Interesting idea. Movies can be cathartic too.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 22, 2015 21:19:28 GMT -5
Charlotte's Web. You think I'm kidding, Zib, but if you want a guaranteed feel-good cry, reread it.
The need for a good cry is built in. Sometimes it is the only way to release emotions. But crying over your late husband would just depress you.
Reread Charlotte's Web. You will be crying over a spider but also the brevity of our lives here on earth. But everyone makes a difference, and the cycle of life goes on.
I reread it regularly. Interesting idea. Movies can be cathartic too. Watership Down for me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 21:20:20 GMT -5
I can't read the part about being real in The Velveteen Rabbit without losing it. Of course it became my children's most requested book bcuz they thought it was funny that mom would get all choked up. DH bought it for me , the part that gets to me, in a shop in St. Armand's Circle. It's in a frame. Still gets to me
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Nov 22, 2015 21:28:20 GMT -5
So don't tell them! Zib if you were my real life friend I would slap you. Then you would shoot me with your gun and we'd all be fucked. But my point is twofold: there are public and private ways to deal with grief, and you don't need to let people k ow about the private ones. Chances are some of those women you look up to had to have some help grieving themselves. Second: you are making this even harder on yourself than it already is. Holidays are rough. Touching it out because you feel you should isn't going to make it easier. Yes, talk to your doctor, but also consider grief counseling. You can cry to them without judgement or fear. They e seen it all and can help you process. Please please take care of yourself.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Nov 22, 2015 21:30:16 GMT -5
Zib: If your daughter truly loves you, she will shut up and listen to you vent, hurt, and give off pain. Tell her upfront that you need to and to just shut up and listen. I love my mother dearly (and actually wish she would remarry but she 'doesn't want the hassle') and felt the coldness you are describing when my dad died. It would have been better for our relationship if she had admitted back then that she needed a sounding board. But she was the 'stiff upper lip' person. It didn't work out for her very well.
SDH is also a stiff upper lip person. So he only has seen me cry 2x in 25 years. That could be a huge reason why he is the SDH instead of DH. Our relationship would be a lot deeper if he admitted he needed someone. My kids - I always tell them when I need TLC, a hug, someone upset me. In exchange, they do the same to me. Everyone wonders why the 5 of us are so incredibly close. DD2 took some 'light' antidepressants for a few months after a horrible episode. Still keeps them on hand for emergencies. States that just having them on hand makes the day easier when she feels she might need them. Doesn't take them, but its a comfort knowing those are within reach if need be.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Nov 22, 2015 21:41:47 GMT -5
I'm trying to avoid this but my primary care doctor said if I was still having issues in a few months, he wanted to know. I know you're hearing pills but maybe he's thinking a grief support group. Frankly, I'd let him know sooner than that. Talking / crying it out in a support group can be invaluable. We all went when DS1 died
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 21:47:12 GMT -5
It's scary to give up control. I promise you will come back if you start crying. FIL found a widow/widower's support group very helpful after MIL passed. Something like that might be helpful for you. I agree with the others posters that the holidays can be rough and having a plan in place is helpful. I lost both my father and aunt in the fall and while every year it gets easier it always hits me around the holidays. Same for DH. He really misses his mom when he sees the rest of the family gathered together. You don't have to change your nature. It's just an idea that you might want to take this time and space to explore who you are and what you want if that's needed. It might not be relevant to you and definitely shouldn't be added to your "to do" list. I think we've all seen people who's own recovery after surgery,illness or a loss was extended by working too hard pretending things were normal and taking care of others. There is that.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Nov 22, 2015 21:53:14 GMT -5
Or start a new tradition. Like 'Meet Zib in Disneyland with Pat and ride the Tea Cups - drunk' Or convince Tennessee to go on Space Mountain - after jello shots. After all, how would Zib like to be now? How would she like to reinvent herself?
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 22, 2015 22:02:27 GMT -5
Or start a new tradition. Like 'Meet Zib in Disneyland with Pat and ride the Tea Cups - drunk' Or convince Tennessee to go on Space Mountain - after jello shots. After all, how would Zib like to be now? How would she like to reinvent herself? Not sure about drunk. A group of us high school kids went to an amusement park and one young lady threw up after riding the merry-go-round. And she was sober! Fifty years ago. Thanks for getting me to remember that.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2015 23:17:27 GMT -5
Interesting idea. Movies can be cathartic too. Watership Down for me.The Yearling for me. I sometimes like depressing books when I'm feeling down. Not so much because misery loves company but because it often gives me a different perspective and sometimes makes the bad things in my life look not quite as hard to get through. I know that probably sounds warped , oh well.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2015 23:21:46 GMT -5
It is a shame that we are all separated by distance and unable to help each other in person.
Is it possible to have a heart to heart with your daughter and have her help you to grieve? I have cried myself out a few times over the years and felt the better for it afterward. There is a certain honesty in expressing grief that is more strength than weakness.
No, she didn't like him much. Jealous like his daughter. My whole family is relieved bcuz they worried he'd kill me off taking care of him. So no sympathy there. No sympathy for your loss, your pain? Are you sure you are giving her enough credit ? Are you sure she can't be there just for you?
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 22, 2015 23:42:20 GMT -5
Terms of Endearment, I watched that movie while mother was in the hospital having stomach cancer surgery. It hit me REALLY HARD !
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2015 23:43:20 GMT -5
The Yearling for me. I sometimes like depressing books when I'm feeling down. Not so much because misery loves company but because it often gives me a different perspective and sometimes makes the bad things in my life look not quite as hard to get through. I know that probably sounds warped , oh well. It doesn't matter which book. Reading it gives the cathartic release. We all need that.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 23, 2015 2:42:01 GMT -5
I'd love to crawl into someone's lap and just cry my eyes out while they just hold me. I need one long super cry. But I'm afraid if I do, I won't stop. <<pats lap>> You're tiny and can fit and you know where I live. Zib - You will get through this, sweetie but you have to be patient with yourself. NOBODY can snap back this quickly after losing a loved one. Please allow yourself plenty of time to mourn and you don't need to be strong for anybody right now - including yourself. (((Hugs))) I'm on meds for a horrible sinus infection. Does that make me weak? Who cares what the medicine is for as long as it works. Go see your doctor and please don't wait any longer.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 23, 2015 8:07:11 GMT -5
No, she didn't like him much. Jealous like his daughter. My whole family is relieved bcuz they worried he'd kill me off taking care of him. So no sympathy there. No sympathy for your loss, your pain? Are you sure you are giving her enough credit ? Are you sure she can't be there just for you? I could be wrong but I'm thinking it would freak her out totally if I wasn't "mom" the strong one. If she can't depend on me, who can she depend on?
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 23, 2015 10:24:02 GMT -5
Terms of Endearment, I watched that movie while mother was in the hospital having stomach cancer surgery. It hit me REALLY HARD ! Music too..... TD and I went to a Big Band revival at the local theater when I got back from dealing with dad's death. We had tickets, thought that the distraction would be good. Little did I realize that it would release the waterworks. This was all the music my dad adored, and I kept seeing him dancing around to this music blaring while cooking in the kitchen. Just when I managed to get the waterworks under control, they played a tribute to the US military services and it started all over. I got teary eyed typing this out again, just from the memory.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 23, 2015 10:26:00 GMT -5
No sympathy for your loss, your pain? Are you sure you are giving her enough credit ? Are you sure she can't be there just for you? I could be wrong but I'm thinking it would freak her out totally if I wasn't "mom" the strong one. If she can't depend on me, who can she depend on? Herself? Your daughter is an adult, Zib. If she can't support your emotional state, then you've not done her any favors.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 23, 2015 10:34:39 GMT -5
I could be wrong but I'm thinking it would freak her out totally if I wasn't "mom" the strong one. If she can't depend on me, who can she depend on? Herself? Your daughter is an adult, Zib. If she can't support your emotional state, then you've not done her any favors. Very true.
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