zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 18, 2015 22:18:58 GMT -5
How long will you be out west? Til Monday night late.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 18, 2015 22:21:52 GMT -5
I read a piece recently by a widow who said that she felt exhausted all the time - that grief was a large program running all the time on her computer, sucking up resources. While it might not seem like it right now your body and mind are doing a lot of work. Take care of yourself and let others take care of you. Yes, that's it exactly. Everything is such an effort. I go through the motions but like a zombie.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Nov 19, 2015 6:16:18 GMT -5
Oddly enough, zero problem with the weather but I heard yesterday was awful. It was, depending on where you were. I ended up going to work on Monday night (I'm a day shifter) because they had one guy out on furlough and one more called in, leaving one person. That was when this blizzard was supposed to start, so I was concerned I might not get home in time to get my son to school. Ended up leaving Boulder at 4 am and there was nothing at all. Nothing at home in Broomfield either. Other areas to the south did get hammered though. Glad you didn't experience the wind issues yesterday that we did. I was surprised my trash can didn't end up in the next county over, lol. Nothing more I can add that others haven't said a million times.
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lund
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Post by lund on Nov 19, 2015 6:26:13 GMT -5
Nobody can be Ms Happy all the time. Mourning means that you certainly can't be expected to be Ms Happy at all. During the first year after the death of a beloved spouse, aptly named the year of mourning, the grief will be at its most intense, as will the ups and downs and the sometimes contradictory feelings. It is OK and normal to suddenly need to go for a solitary walk around the block (if it is safe), or to sit on your own for a while, or to say that you miss your DH and are sad, or be in your room or home and have a good cry.
Contradictory feelings are common, since it is often hard for the caretakers who are worn out and have suffered seeing their beloved deteriorate but need rest, it was often hard for the sick person who was suffering, there is often an intense longing for the better times and missing the dear departed, there is often a relief that it is over, there may be anger over the bad behaviors of others and the unfairness of the loss, and there is a lot of sadness both because of what was and what was not to be.
Accept these feelings; they mean that you are a caring human. Take it a day at the time or an hour at the time. The intensity of the feelings will subside a bit, and you will regain strength. You will not forget, but much of the pain will heal.
Go and visit your family and/or friends; you need caring and understanding persons around you. I would assume that your aunts are of the age and experience of life that they understand your situation and may both enjoy a visit and be able to listen if you want to talk, and wise enough to give you time alone if you need that.
Take care of yourself. It will get better.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 19, 2015 6:35:19 GMT -5
Thank you, Lund, that sums it up perfectly. Thank you to all by the way. You all have been through this journey with me, the good and the bad. Even bugging me to get married!!! The heart transplant. The aftermath. The ups and downs of his huge hospital stay. Funny how people can look at a picture and see two different things. The night before DH died, we went to an anniversary party next door. They took pictures and they took one of us. To me we look happy and great. To my Aunt, I look exhausted and he looked ill. Go figure. But I loved that man even though I'm mad he left me.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Nov 19, 2015 9:24:13 GMT -5
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Nov 19, 2015 10:52:24 GMT -5
It's wonderful that you have that picture though.
(((( hugs ))))
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 19, 2015 16:45:52 GMT -5
I think so too. I honestly don't see the exhaustion or the illness that my aunt sees but maybe I'm In denial and she's right. I thought about emailing the picture to moonbeam or mmhmm and getting their opinion!
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 21, 2015 12:04:57 GMT -5
I read a piece recently by a widow who said that she felt exhausted all the time - that grief was a large program running all the time on her computer, sucking up resources. While it might not seem like it right now your body and mind are doing a lot of work. Take care of yourself and let others take care of you. Yes, that's it exactly. Everything is such an effort. I go through the motions but like a zombie. It's going to take some time, Zib. I know it's rough, but I remember my dad and the first months after mom died. He was not in a good place, and finally he had to get some pharmaceutical help. He wasn't on them for long, maybe about 6 months or so, but long enough that he could get through the roughest time. I'm sorry.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 21, 2015 15:34:44 GMT -5
I'm trying to avoid this but my primary care doctor said if I was still having issues in a few months, he wanted to know.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 21, 2015 15:36:22 GMT -5
I'm trying to avoid this but my primary care doctor said if I was still having issues in a few months, he wanted to know. Definitely see your doc, zib. There are alternatives. Sometimes, it just takes a bit of adjustment, or changes to effect a better result.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 21, 2015 15:45:23 GMT -5
I know. It's just my family doesn't think much of pills. Or being weak.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Nov 21, 2015 16:05:04 GMT -5
I know. It's just my family doesn't think much of pills. Or being weak. Mourning is not the same as being weak! You are so very strong, yet you sometimes seem to forget that strong people hurt too and you don't have to hide your hurt just so others don't think less of you. If they do (think less of you) than they are not worthy of being your friend.
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lund
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Post by lund on Nov 21, 2015 16:54:05 GMT -5
Zib, right now I feel like giving you a little shake or wash your face in cold water in order to make your brain restart its thinking. Being in mourning does not mean being weak. It means that you cared. Tackling problems or possible problems does not mean being weak. (Hiding them may.) And pills against an illness, taken according to need and instructions, usually are not unnecessary. Now, you have not shown any signs of being neither stupid nor silly previously - so please don't disappoint.... You need to take care of yourself. Getting help if and as possible strengthens you.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 21, 2015 18:53:09 GMT -5
I'm afraid of becoming dependent on drugs to get me through life. The women in my family just don't. They are the queens of the stiff upper lip club. I can't fail them. I need to measure up to them.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 21, 2015 19:26:47 GMT -5
I'm afraid of becoming dependent on drugs to get me through life. The women in my family just don't. They are the queens of the stiff upper lip club. I can't fail them. I need to measure up to them. That was my dad's fear....but when he wound up in the ER for 4 consecutive days thinking he was having a heart attack, he realized that the stiff upper lip wasn't going to do it. I think his doc had him on a couple drugs, and they allowed him to function and sleep. After a few months, he just cut them back bit by bit and they were gone. Look at it this way.....if you break a leg, no one thinks anything about you using crutches until the bone heals. All these drugs will do is let you function better until your psyche heals. Same thing.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 21, 2015 19:28:00 GMT -5
I'm afraid of becoming dependent on drugs to get me through life. The women in my family just don't. They are the queens of the stiff upper lip club. I can't fail them. I need to measure up to them. That's not something to worry about in this case, zib. People don't become dependent on medications they actually need. My family was much as you describe yours. It's not healthy. Really, it's not. More than not failing them, zib, you cannot fail yourself! The only person in this world you need to "measure up" to is you. You'll never succeed in being someone else. Mother passed a year ago come December. I'm still mourning her. I'm one who grieves slowly. I'm not ashamed of that. It's who I am. I care deeply and the hurt lasts for a long time when something happens to someone I love. I can't just dismiss it like a broken dinner plate and I would never want to do so. Let your doctor know what you're feeling. Do what's necessary for you to move on and find your feet again. That's strength, zib. Denying truth (and pain is truth, whether emotional or physical) is never an indication of strength. It's an indication you aren't strong enough to see the truth, accept it, and work your way into a better truth. You know this. I know you do!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 21, 2015 19:31:28 GMT -5
Maybe. If I'm not better after Christmas, I'll talk to him.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 21, 2015 19:40:58 GMT -5
Maybe. If I'm not better after Christmas, I'll talk to him. I can see that. This is a stressful time of the year anyway. I just hope you'll move that timeline up if things get worse. I value your friendship and don't like to think of you suffering unnecessarily.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 21, 2015 19:48:04 GMT -5
Thank you. I appreciate it
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 21, 2015 19:58:08 GMT -5
Maybe. If I'm not better after Christmas, I'll talk to him. Please don't let it go this long.....I've gotten slammed by Christmas myself this year. Earlier this fall, I was trying to figure out what we were going to do for the holidays this year. Last Christmas was my dad's last one and everyone knew it. Just after New Years, he wound up in ICU, and then hospice. A month later, he was gone. So this Christmas, I'm running away from home. Holidays tend to slam you emotionally in ways you don't expect.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Nov 21, 2015 19:58:43 GMT -5
Maybe. If I'm not better after Christmas, I'll talk to him. Please get emotional support help now. The holidays are going to make it worse. If you had a broken arm, you'd get that fixed right away. Your YM family wants the peace in knowing you are cared for properly. If nothing else, find a grief support group.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 21, 2015 23:18:51 GMT -5
Oh dear. My kids and their significant others will be with me. They're expecting the holidays to be the same as always. I can't ruin it for them. I'll get through them and see how it goes after that. I was smart enough to fill DH's chair for thanksgiving. My cat sitter thinks I'm being nice bcuz she can't go home for thanksgiving. I am But I also can't bear to see that empty chair and know who is supposed to be sitting in it. I miss him so Much. It's like being haunted.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Nov 22, 2015 8:16:20 GMT -5
Zib, just because you take a small dosage of medications to help you deal with the turmoil at this time in your life, does not mean that you will become addicted. If your doctor is worth anything, he/she will keep tabs on your usage and will not let you abuse the pills.
As far as family and medications, they won't know if you don't tell them. Needing something mild to help you is nothing to be ashamed about. I had the same misgivings about taking 10 mg of Lexapro. It has helped so much and it has no effect on my daily life, just how much more easier it is to get through the day to day activities.
Please take care of yourself.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 8:52:25 GMT -5
I'll talk to him. I promise.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 22, 2015 9:19:36 GMT -5
I'm afraid of becoming dependent on drugs to get me through life. The women in my family just don't. They are the queens of the stiff upper lip club. I can't fail them. I need to measure up to them. And you mother was an abusive asshat. How did that work out for her?
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Nov 22, 2015 12:11:12 GMT -5
Zib, you don’t need to measure up to anyone but yourself. The ways of the past in dealing with life are much different that today. You need to do whatever it takes, within reason, to deal with today, next week or next month.
Please see you're trusted health care provider and see if they can offer some advice if medications are not you’re preferred means of dealing with your loss.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 22, 2015 12:31:55 GMT -5
I'll talk to him. I promise. Zib, I can't tell you how happy it makes me to read this! There's no weakness in knowing your needs and striving to meet those needs. That's strength, hon, not weakness. You were raised much as I was, from the sounds of it. I understand why my family was the way it was, but I've also learned the hard way - they weren't always right. In fact, when they were wrong, they were very wrong. One of those wrong areas was this "stiff upper lip" garbage. They took it too far. Way too far.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2015 12:35:23 GMT -5
I'm afraid of becoming dependent on drugs to get me through life. The women in my family just don't. They are the queens of the stiff upper lip club. I can't fail them. I need to measure up to them. And you mother was an abusive asshat. How did that work out for her? There is that. Very true.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 22, 2015 12:43:57 GMT -5
And you mother was an abusive asshat. How did that work out for her? There is that. Very true. My mother (my parents, in fact) was never abusive. She was just a control freak. She never meant harm but harm was done and I had to correct it later in life. Having come to know you a bit, I know you to be a perceptive individual who knows what's right for her and what's not right. You're just acting on old family dictates that have become ingrained. Right now, you're in a vulnerable position emotionally, so those old dictates find it easier to get another hold on you. It's not an easy habit to break but breaking it makes the world a lot brighter, believe me!
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