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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2015 9:26:40 GMT -5
I can tell you why I did but it might be different for her. Heck, I used to sneak my son to see his Dad when there was a no contact order in place and when he went bananas on one of these visits and took off with our son, I didn't even report it because I was afraid I'd get in trouble. At the same time I was wishing he would just die or drop off the face of the earth, so it wasn't like I was some lovestruck girl trying to please her man. Looking back, I think WTF? But even today I still struggle with putting my foot down with him. Also, Angel's ex was completely out of the picture for 10 months when he moved away, I can see saying, "I'll worry about him when/if he comes back" and not really addressing anything.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 3, 2015 11:42:55 GMT -5
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Oct 3, 2015 14:12:03 GMT -5
I don't want to be too much of a debbie downer here, and I hesitated to write this for several days, but we all told Angel! everything in this thread 6 months ago, including to see a lawyer and clarify the terms of the judge's order because many said that what was written likely justified cutting off all contact with him, including any inquiries about the kids. And the next thing we hear, is she is sitting in chuckie cheese with him to celebrate the kids' birthdays? Why?? Those kids were half way to conceptualizing their lives and family without him, and now they are thinking about him as daddy again. They have to start over and I can't think why Angel! has done this yet again. In addition to the lawyer, I honestly think Angel! needs to see a counselor to figure out why she keep prioritizing this man over what she knows instinctively (and has heard repeatedly here) is best for her kids. Because, I can't for life of me fathom why she even responded to him. I don't know why she has the same phone number or email anymore to facilitate contact? why make it so easy for him? Something is amiss, and for the sake of these kids, I don't think there is time for Angel! to slowly figure this out on her own. Get some perspective from somewhere, lawyer, counselling, group therapy or something. I've not been in Angel's position, but I have seen this kind of thing occur from the legal/law enforcement side of the situation. There are a lot of reasons why ex-partners go back, whether it's a long-term return or they do it repeatedly for the short term. As MPL pointed out, fear is one reason. It's a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation. Either way, your safety can be at risk. If you leave, you get constant threats. If you stay, you get constant threats. Sometimes, it's simple economics: one partner cannot survive without help from the other. Sometimes, life single and alone is scarier than life with an abusive partner, which I know sounds really odd. But at least with an abuser, you kinda sorta know what to expect. Alone, you have no idea what's out there, and the real unknown looks far worse. Sometimes, you really believe it's about the kids, and you want them to have contact and not think you're a crappy parent for preventing it. That they might well be better off without the abuser around can be ridiculously obvious, but that doesn't stop the trying over and over to make it work. The perfect family fantasy dies very hard sometimes. Some people really do have what I call the "knight in shining armor" syndrome. They have to rescue people over and over, either different people in trouble or the same person in trouble. Never mind that you cannot rescue another person; they have to build their own lifeboat and sail it. I have a friend like this. She's single, but constantly dates men with serious issues (her current BF is a broke, food stamp-dependent drug user with Hep C) so she can look like a saint for being there for them. Cutting the relationship ties that bind sometimes requires a knife and other times, a bigass bolt cutter and blowtorch.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2015 14:35:11 GMT -5
I still haven't figured out what it is with me, I think it's a combination of a lot of factors, but one of them is that I'm just intensely loyal and really believe in the whole "better or worse, sickness and health" vow. Good people do bad things. Good people get mentally ill. It's the whole cognitive dissonance thing kicking in when I have to then turn my back on someone I vowed never to do that to. I'm also like Angel in that I don't do conflict well. Other than that, it's not like I need a man around. I'm a hermit that prefers to be alone and have control of the remote.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 3, 2015 14:58:54 GMT -5
So, the thought struck and I want to post it even if it has been before...read gift of fear. So many people recommend it (professionals) and the guy that wrote it is basically a consultant about stalkers and all that crap...It's really the book to read about dealing with stalkers, assholes, psychopaths, etc. I don't think I've ever heard of it. I placed it on hold from my library. Thanks
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 3, 2015 15:15:54 GMT -5
I don't want to be too much of a debbie downer here, and I hesitated to write this for several days, but we all told Angel! everything in this thread 6 months ago, including to see a lawyer and clarify the terms of the judge's order because many said that what was written likely justified cutting off all contact with him, including any inquiries about the kids. And the next thing we hear, is she is sitting in chuckie cheese with him to celebrate the kids' birthdays? Why?? Those kids were half way to conceptualizing their lives and family without him, and now they are thinking about him as daddy again. They have to start over and I can't think why Angel! has done this yet again. In addition to the lawyer, I honestly think Angel! needs to see a counselor to figure out why she keep prioritizing this man over what she knows instinctively (and has heard repeatedly here) is best for her kids. Because, I can't for life of me fathom why she even responded to him. I don't know why she has the same phone number or email anymore to facilitate contact? why make it so easy for him? Something is amiss, and for the sake of these kids, I don't think there is time for Angel! to slowly figure this out on her own. Get some perspective from somewhere, lawyer, counselling, group therapy or something. There are a lot of reasons. 6 months ago he wasn't here, 6 months ago he wasn't asking for a visit. So laziness, complacency, lack of time and money, and not seeing it as a priority. I'm human, I make mistakes. I don't think that means my kids aren't my priority. When he sent the email asking it was something along the lines of 'if I can make it out there, will you let me see DS1 for his bday?'. In retrospect I should have said no, but in all honesty I never thought he was going to come. This is a guy who says a lot of things, but rarely follows through. So I said yes, then I'm not the bad guy and it avoided a rant. It was easier to say yes. I did the second party because I weighed DD not having him there vs DD having him there and decided she was better off seeing him on her bday so there wasn't a feeling of unfairness. It was basically a no win either way so I went with what I thought was the lesser bad for her sake. I look it as one stupid mistake that snowballed until I was like 'oh fuck'. If you want to view it as me having deeper issues or not being a good mom, that is your right.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Oct 3, 2015 15:25:24 GMT -5
It's obvious to me that your kids are your priority. It's obvious to me that you a good mom. If you weren't, you wouldn't even be worrying about this stuff. Most of us have had one or two of those "oh f*ck" moments. You learn and you go on. Because you don't do exactly what another person thinks you should do does not mean your kids aren't your priority. That would be a ignorant thing for someone to say who hasn't walked in your shoes. You made a mistake. Learn from it, don't do it again and go on. You seem like a good, kind person. Sometimes, good and kind people make the wrong decisions for what seems to be the right reasons.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 3, 2015 15:33:51 GMT -5
So, the thought struck and I want to post it even if it has been before...read gift of fear. So many people recommend it (professionals) and the guy that wrote it is basically a consultant about stalkers and all that crap...It's really the book to read about dealing with stalkers, assholes, psychopaths, etc. I don't think I've ever heard of it. I placed it on hold from my library. Thanks I'm going to read it too
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 3, 2015 15:43:39 GMT -5
And as far as counseling. Yeah, I probably should get counseling. It is going to sound cliche, but I literally have no time for it right now. I think we are 13 doctors appointments since mid-August, DS2 just had his second minor surgery Tuesday and then on Thursday I got told he is going to need another. So waiting to get that scheduled. That is addition to the 3 doctor's appointments already scheduled for this month. I need to schedule one more, but it hasn't been done. There is also a medical issue I would like to see a doctor for, but that has totally moved to the backburner for now.
On top of that the stupid dog went and developed an autoimmune disease and he has to go the vet every month. Thank god she doesn't charge for the checkups.
Then there is DD's behavior group that I have to leave work 3 hours early for every Monday, that has to fit in there somewhere too.
And all this adds hours and days that I'm missing work. I've burned through sick time so fast that I've used over a week vacation in the past year to keep up with all this crap. I generally work nights and weekends just to try to get to 40. Which has been extremely fun since last month DS2 has learned to crawl out of his crib and has decided sleep is something he no longer needs. And I can't work when he is awake. So I'm basically perpetually sleep deprived and exhausted.
So me taking another hour or so each week for counseling....it's just not going to happen right now.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 3, 2015 15:48:08 GMT -5
It's a lot easier to sit "out here" in front of our monitors and give advice based on questions asked and our own experiences with similar situations than it is to be in the middle of those situations. I know I sure didn't make all the right decisions when faced with a similar situation. It took a few major screw-ups before I realized I was making things worse. Had others told me? Yes. They'd told me all sorts of things. Some of them were right and some weren't. I did the best I could under the circumstances extant at the time. I think Angel! is doing the same. She wants the best for her children. She tries to do what she thinks will be the best for them. Sometimes she's right and sometimes she isn't. She's still actively seeking to do the right thing. I think that's what we need to focus on as those who care about Angel and the kids. Not the mistakes. Those happen. Hang in there, Angel. You've learned some things through this and you'll keep learning. So will the children. Maybe, over time, so will the drunken, drug-addled fool. In the meantime, we're here to support you.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 3, 2015 15:57:08 GMT -5
And as far as counseling. Yeah, I probably should get counseling. It is going to sound cliche, but I literally have no time for it right now. I think we are 13 doctors appointments since mid-August, DS2 just had his second minor surgery Tuesday and then on Thursday I got told he is going to need another. So waiting to get that scheduled. That is addition to the 3 doctor's appointments already scheduled for this month. I need to schedule one more, but it hasn't been done. There is also a medical issue I would like to see a doctor for, but that has totally moved to the backburner for now. On top of that the stupid dog went and developed an autoimmune disease and he has to go the vet every month. Thank god she doesn't charge for the checkups. Then there is DD's behavior group that I have to leave work 3 hours early for every Monday, that has to fit in there somewhere too. And all this adds hours and days that I'm missing work. I've burned through sick time so fast that I've used over a week vacation in the past year to keep up with all this crap. I generally work nights and weekends just to try to get to 40. Which has been extremely fun since last month DS2 has learned to crawl out of his crib and has decided sleep is something he no longer needs. And I can't work when he is awake. So I'm basically perpetually sleep deprived and exhausted. So me taking another hour or so each week for counseling....it's just not going to happen right now. If he's old enough to climb out of his crib, he's old enough to play quietly in his room and not disturb your sleep. You need to firmly return him until he "gets" that he is not to disturb you.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 3, 2015 15:57:57 GMT -5
Who is helping you with child care nights and weekends?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 3, 2015 16:12:21 GMT -5
And as far as counseling. Yeah, I probably should get counseling. It is going to sound cliche, but I literally have no time for it right now. I think we are 13 doctors appointments since mid-August, DS2 just had his second minor surgery Tuesday and then on Thursday I got told he is going to need another. So waiting to get that scheduled. That is addition to the 3 doctor's appointments already scheduled for this month. I need to schedule one more, but it hasn't been done. There is also a medical issue I would like to see a doctor for, but that has totally moved to the backburner for now. On top of that the stupid dog went and developed an autoimmune disease and he has to go the vet every month. Thank god she doesn't charge for the checkups. Then there is DD's behavior group that I have to leave work 3 hours early for every Monday, that has to fit in there somewhere too. And all this adds hours and days that I'm missing work. I've burned through sick time so fast that I've used over a week vacation in the past year to keep up with all this crap. I generally work nights and weekends just to try to get to 40. Which has been extremely fun since last month DS2 has learned to crawl out of his crib and has decided sleep is something he no longer needs. And I can't work when he is awake. So I'm basically perpetually sleep deprived and exhausted. So me taking another hour or so each week for counseling....it's just not going to happen right now. If he's old enough to climb out of his crib, he's old enough to play quietly in his room and not disturb your sleep. You need to firmly return him until he "gets" that he is not to disturb you. He is only 22 months old. I know some can sit quietly and play at that age. DS2 doesn't have that skill and can't be trusted yet. He is getting better so I think in a couple of months it will be a lot easier.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 3, 2015 16:14:03 GMT -5
Some can and some can't. Maybe some crib toys? Anyway, he is old enough to not come out of his room and bother your sleep.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 3, 2015 16:18:34 GMT -5
Who is helping you with child care nights and weekends? For the most part no one. The neighbor will babysit for $5/hr, but I can't afford that regularly. I have friends that will help at times, but I limit that to when I really need help. My mom will help when she isn't working, but she lives over an hour away and works full time, so I limit asking her unless it is important as well.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 3, 2015 16:21:27 GMT -5
Some can and some can't. Maybe some crib toys? Anyway, he is old enough to not come out of his room and bother your sleep. We are working on it. Unfortunately it has become a battle of wills each night. I think I carried him back to his bed over a dozen times last night. Eventually he was exhausted and fell asleep on the floor. Eta - unfortunately it is my fault. When he is sick I feel horrible for him and let him lay with me. And he has been sick A LOT. So he doesn't see consistency because then other nights I say he can't lay with me. Now he should be healthy for a while *fingers crossed* so we are really going to work on this consistently.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 3, 2015 17:05:55 GMT -5
Crap. What a mess. This is why sometimes I hate this virtual world. You need some real help along with a no nonsense girlfriend. When I went through my shit I had a friend who'd come over and force me to ride bikes with her. Even though I pissed and moaned the whole time like a damn two year old. Finally I pulled myself together. She even took my kids from time to time so I could lay in bed and have a pity party. . I need to send her a thank you btw. I've told her she saved my ass but I feel the need to tell her again
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 3, 2015 17:11:31 GMT -5
And as far as counseling. Yeah, I probably should get counseling. It is going to sound cliche, but I literally have no time for it right now. I think we are 13 doctors appointments since mid-August, DS2 just had his second minor surgery Tuesday and then on Thursday I got told he is going to need another. So waiting to get that scheduled. That is addition to the 3 doctor's appointments already scheduled for this month. I need to schedule one more, but it hasn't been done. There is also a medical issue I would like to see a doctor for, but that has totally moved to the backburner for now. On top of that the stupid dog went and developed an autoimmune disease and he has to go the vet every month. Thank god she doesn't charge for the checkups. Then there is DD's behavior group that I have to leave work 3 hours early for every Monday, that has to fit in there somewhere too. And all this adds hours and days that I'm missing work. I've burned through sick time so fast that I've used over a week vacation in the past year to keep up with all this crap. I generally work nights and weekends just to try to get to 40. Which has been extremely fun since last month DS2 has learned to crawl out of his crib and has decided sleep is something he no longer needs. And I can't work when he is awake. So I'm basically perpetually sleep deprived and exhausted. So me taking another hour or so each week for counseling....it's just not going to happen right now. If he's old enough to climb out of his crib, he's old enough to play quietly in his room and not disturb your sleep. You need to firmly return him until he "gets" that he is not to disturb you.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 3, 2015 17:22:29 GMT -5
If he's old enough to climb out of his crib, he's old enough to play quietly in his room and not disturb your sleep. You need to firmly return him until he "gets" that he is not to disturb you. LMFAO!! That is hysterical.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 3, 2015 17:51:55 GMT -5
LMFAO!! That is hysterical. We needed a few laughs here. The kid's pretty inventive and proactive.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 3, 2015 21:14:33 GMT -5
Angel, our kids are so close in age you often cross my mind when DD learns some new skill that makes life 1000x more difficult. I do think that the language skills are really starting to make a breakthrough around this age, so I am also holding out hope that things will get easier (in some ways) in the next 2-4 months. A lot of DD's misbehavior seems to stem from frustration at not being able to communicate as well as she wants, and I'm sure in your DS's case being sick doesn't help. I hope his medical issues are resolved soon. I know it's not like you feel you have a choice -- keep on swimming or what? -- but you are Superwoman. I wish I lived closer so I could watch your kids and give you a break. And I have always found venting on YMAM to be decent counseling... at least for the price
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sbcalimom
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Post by sbcalimom on Oct 4, 2015 12:46:09 GMT -5
Angel! - I've heard a lot of good things about this online counseling service: www.betterhelp.com/start/. It's fairly reasonably priced and you can do it whenever you have time and don't have to actually go anywhere. There are several other similar services I've seen if this one doesn't seem up your alley but I thought it was a very inventive solution to counseling if you're too busy to get anywhere during somewhat normal business hours. I haven't tried it but only because the counselor I have in town here has office hours that work for me and she already knows the whole backstory with me and STBXH. Big hugs and hope you get some relief on the sleep front! I so know how that feels, DD2 refused to sleep until she was about 3 and it's still somewhat of a struggle now at almost 4.5. I swear she has magical powers that allow her to function on virtually no sleep while I feel like a crazy person.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 4, 2015 14:13:15 GMT -5
Angel, our kids are so close in age you often cross my mind when DD learns some new skill that makes life 1000x more difficult. I do think that the language skills are really starting to make a breakthrough around this age, so I am also holding out hope that things will get easier (in some ways) in the next 2-4 months. A lot of DD's misbehavior seems to stem from frustration at not being able to communicate as well as she wants, and I'm sure in your DS's case being sick doesn't help. I hope his medical issues are resolved soon. I know it's not like you feel you have a choice -- keep on swimming or what? -- but you are Superwoman. I wish I lived closer so I could watch your kids and give you a break. And I have always found venting on YMAM to be decent counseling... at least for the price My my kids are older, but I remember the younger days well and how difficult it could be, and I only have 2 and a supportive husband who isn't a douche (usually). I also,wish I lived closer so I could take your kids for a day and let you have a day to yourself. ETA: provided you want me to spend time with your kids, lol.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Oct 4, 2015 17:13:56 GMT -5
That sounds tough...little kids are exhausting. You sound frazzled and your ex isn't helping.
Isn't there a children's centre who could do supervised visits?
I would certainly tell him not to ring your home.... and that if he wants contact... something could be mutually arranged by the court. Then keep out of the way until he gets the picture that you are not part of the agreement ....or his life. If you want rid....Don't speak to him.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 4, 2015 18:32:49 GMT -5
"Accidental" overdose.
(I'm kidding.)
In all seriousness though, Angel, you are amazing. Be strong, keep yourself and your kids at the top of your mind and you will come out ok. I also wish I could take your kids for a day. I bet there are more people willing in your real life than you would think. Maybe try the Internet and see if there's some moms around you willing to swap babysitting?
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Oct 4, 2015 18:35:17 GMT -5
Angel, our kids are so close in age you often cross my mind when DD learns some new skill that makes life 1000x more difficult. I do think that the language skills are really starting to make a breakthrough around this age, so I am also holding out hope that things will get easier (in some ways) in the next 2-4 months. A lot of DD's misbehavior seems to stem from frustration at not being able to communicate as well as she wants, and I'm sure in your DS's case being sick doesn't help. I hope his medical issues are resolved soon. I know it's not like you feel you have a choice -- keep on swimming or what? -- but you are Superwoman. I wish I lived closer so I could watch your kids and give you a break. And I have always found venting on YMAM to be decent counseling... at least for the price My my kids are older, but I remember the younger days well and how difficult it could be, and I only have 2 and a supportive husband who isn't a douche (usually). I also,wish I lived closer so I could take your kids for a day and let you have a day to yourself. ETA: provided you want me to spend time with your kids, lol. That was a nice thing to say. I'd do it also in a minute, although I don't have kids and who knows how they'd come back to her! Full of stuff they shouldn't have and messy as all get-out if I know me.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 4, 2015 20:32:42 GMT -5
Angel! - I've heard a lot of good things about this online counseling service: www.betterhelp.com/start/. It's fairly reasonably priced and you can do it whenever you have time and don't have to actually go anywhere. There are several other similar services I've seen if this one doesn't seem up your alley but I thought it was a very inventive solution to counseling if you're too busy to get anywhere during somewhat normal business hours. I haven't tried it but only because the counselor I have in town here has office hours that work for me and she already knows the whole backstory with me and STBXH. Big hugs and hope you get some relief on the sleep front! I so know how that feels, DD2 refused to sleep until she was about 3 and it's still somewhat of a struggle now at almost 4.5. I swear she has magical powers that allow her to function on virtually no sleep while I feel like a crazy person. Thanks, I will have to check that out.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 4, 2015 20:36:13 GMT -5
Isn't there a children's centre who could do supervised visits? Yes, so if some point in the future the courts allow supervised visits, than that is the route I would go. Then I won't have to deal with him or try to get a 3rd party involved in visits.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 4, 2015 20:56:38 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the kind words! I know it will all get easier. We should be dealing with a lot less illnesses soon and DS2 will get easier to deal with. Right now he is at that age where he can do so much but still doesn't know all the rules so is constantly getting in trouble.
20 minutes into bedtime and I have carried him back to bed 6 times and scared him back into his room with the evil eye twice. We may be about done because he has climbed out of the crib and is laying on the ground. An improvement over the last few nights if he is done fighting.
And only 2 emails from ex since last update. Both fairly civil and trying different tactics. One really long one about if he didn't do those things to save our marriage, then why would he do them now. And how I'm hurting the kids and him, so just stop, blah, blah, blah. Second one said ok, I'll do all those things, but just let me see the kids one more time first. Ah, the one more time tactic...just one more beer, then I'll quit, that was the last time I use drugs, I promise. I've heard one more time a lot. I use to actually believe one more time, not anymore. Not responding at all, just ignoring.
And had to evil eye DS2 two more times while writing this.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 4, 2015 21:21:42 GMT -5
Angel! you are getting the " one more time" out the wazoo from DS2. Just ignore the adult version of the same thing. Nothing so exasperating and yet boring as an adult who refuses to grow up.
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