Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 2, 2015 12:30:16 GMT -5
Well I've asked him to stop calling in the mornings. He tried to call while we were in DS2's school, so I didn't answer. Then I got several texts that were basically him throwing a hissy fit accusing me of not even letting him speak to the kids anymore. So I said we are busy, no more morning phone calls.
Then he asked what I wanted from him. I debated ignoring it, but instead sent him a long list of what I think a father should be, in what ways he hasn't been that type of father, & listed what I thought he should do: Take care of the warrant, go to rehab, attend AA, start counseling, go to court & seek visitation.
Now he is ranting. I probably should have not replied. It seemed fair to explain & lay out expectations. 5 long texts later & I now know I am a grumpy old hag & he is dating an awesome 23 year old, I am pulling little kid shit, he has totally changed, he wants me to have someone adopt the kids & doesn't want them to have his name anymore, he is done & it is my fault, and to make sure to tell the kids when they are grown up that it is my fault they never got to know them.
The nice thing is that I have tons of lovely text messages should I ever need them for court. He has told me to go ahead & have someone adopt the kids probably 5-10 times. A dozen other times there has been some version of goodbye forever, I'll see them at 18. Not sure how far back my messages go, but I'm sure there at least a few suicidal ones, but there might be a dozen or so. Dozens and dozens of ones where he calls me names & tells me how horrible I am in various ways. Mine aren't perfect, but I feel like 95% of the time I am fairly unemotional & to the point. I know I have never threatened suicide, nor have I ever said I will never let him see the kids again.
I would hope between phone records & text messages I could avoid any possibility of him getting visitation at this time. They pretty clearly show he is not very stable or consistent.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 2, 2015 12:38:57 GMT -5
I am pulling little kid shit,
That alone speaks worlds when it comes to his mental state and his attitude towards being a father. If he was actually interested in being a father like he claims he wouldn't be accusing YOU of pulling "little kid shit".
"Little kid shit" is the crap he's pulling. I have a hard time even calling it that b/c even little kids behave better than he does.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 2, 2015 12:45:13 GMT -5
I'm sorry, Angel. I think you handled it very well.
Regardless of what others might say, you are completely in the right to shield your children from that type of manipulative and damaging behavior. That's what a good parent does.
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quince
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Post by quince on Oct 2, 2015 12:50:32 GMT -5
Text messages are your friend.
You're amazing. Dealing with all the bullshit, and raising 3 kids? Superstar.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 2, 2015 12:52:28 GMT -5
he wants me to have someone adopt the kids & doesn't want them to have his name anymore, he is done & it is my fault
You should frame that comment and put it somewhere. Every time you think you are being a bad parent and denying him anything. ..read it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2015 12:53:08 GMT -5
Yeah...he's still acting like a 4 year old. Nothing has changed. Don't let the stuff he says get to you. I know you say you don't, but having been on the receiving ends of text rants like that myself...and saying that myself....I know how much they suck. I really wish I had advice on how to make them stop.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2015 13:00:29 GMT -5
I really wish I had advice on how to make them stop. On second thought...6 months in jail seemed to do wonders for my ex.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 2, 2015 13:22:02 GMT -5
On second thought...6 months in jail seemed to do wonders for my ex.
Every once and awhile here Crime stoppers does a tip line where they run a ticker across the screen of local channels showing people with outstanding warrants. They catch a lot of people that way.
And the calls are completely anonymous.
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 2, 2015 13:24:03 GMT -5
I really wish I had advice on how to make them stop. On second thought...6 months in jail seemed to do wonders for my ex. The down side to that is if he serves his time while also pursuing some sort of visitation or joint custody arrangement, his behavior in jail may make him look like an OK parent. It sounds counterintuitive, but when I was a CASA for foster kids, we all dreaded the times when the problem parent(s) was in jail. It kept them from being disruptive for a little bit, but also helped them have a documented record of "good behavior" for that time period. Most of the parental reunification plans required some pretty basic steps - clean drug tests, attending a few parenting classes, getting some counseling (if that was required), not getting in trouble with the law for certain things and achieving certain visitation schedules - like visiting your child at least once a month for an hour. The majority of the problem parents couldn't or wouldn't do those basic things, believe it or not. Unless they were in jail. Because it was tougher to get the drugs, the classes and counseling was right there and they could put the visitation responsibility on someone else who had to bring the child to the jail. We used to joke that everybody was a great parent when they were in jail. So even the utter disasters would have this great looking record of 6 months (or whatever the length of their sentence was) of being 90%+ compliant with their parenting plan and looked like they were working hard to comply and be a good parent when the reality was that they were in jail and didn't have much of a choice otherwise.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2015 13:52:01 GMT -5
"Perfect. The appropriate response is "Bye". Then you don't answer another phone call or text from him. Like ever."
The best response i think would be "K", not even "ok". He didnt get what he wanted so now he is on the attack mode.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 2, 2015 13:52:54 GMT -5
I would love to give words of advice but the only divorce I ever went through was my parents and apparently it was quite the acrimonious one. I never really knew how bad it was though because, A) I apparently lived in a bubble (and a book) and B) they tried to keep us out of it. I only know now because of paperwork I found after my dad died. I knew he hated my mother for the longest time but had no idea why. Now I do know but also know he got over it long enough to be civil at our weddings and my sister's birthday dinner the week before he died. As for you, Angel, do what feels right for you and your kids. My father did. I may not have always appreciated it but I do now. He, and my uncle, were protecting us from my mother's alcoholism. May not have thought so then, but realize it now. I learned some unpleasant information when I found the divorce paperwork that my dad saved after he died. My dad wanted custody and I wanted to live with my dad, but my mom fought pretty hard to prevent that. She lost, and I am glad that she did. (She married a jerk soon after.) However, her reasons for not wanting me to live with my dad were based on concern for me rather than wanting to punish my dad. Anyway, this isn't even really relevant to Angel's situation because my dad still always tried to be a good father, even when his mental illness and addictions got in the way. Angel's ex sounds like the kind of parent that her children should be shielded from. I hope once a lawyer is involved he will give up on trying to use the kids as a way back in and slither away.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Oct 2, 2015 14:14:26 GMT -5
Angel, you cannot reason with an irrational person. You cannot have a normal conversation with an irrational person. Anything you say to an irrational person will not be seen in context but simply as fuel to feed the irrational person's pet mania and as an opportunity to berate/control/demean/hurt you (whatever the irrational person's typical modus happens to be).
You are a rational, caring, kind person attempting to interact in a rational, caring, kind way with an irrational, selfish, vindictive person. This is not going to work, not because you are doing anything wrong but because the irrational person will simply refuse to participate in a rational way.
Good for you for starting to understand that you will probably need to limit interaction and communication. Refusing to participate in irrational behavior doesn't mean you're any less caring or kind. The irrational person is beyond responding in a mature way to a kind heart.
You can do this. You will learn how to negotiate this chaos. Know your worth and refuse to accept anything less. You can do this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2015 14:22:37 GMT -5
The barrage of texts would seriously irritate me. I'd block his texts with an app like the one I told you about before, where the texts are still on your phone, but you don't get any alerts or see them unless you open the app to see them. I'd check for texts every once in a while, for information purposes since he's unstable, but I'd only check them when I'm pretty sure I'm in a frame of mind where whatever crazy thing he might have said won't upset me. I wouldn't communicate with him anymore, not even about the children. He can talk to an attorney if he's serious about his kids, and let the attorneys and courts hash out what needs to happen, but he wouldn't keep upsetting my nerves with stupid shit. That would be one of the things I asked my attorney about at the appointment, how it would look if we ever did go to court and I'd stopped all communication because he's harassing me..... that's what it sounds like it is to me, harassment, not a father trying to be part of his kids' lives.
You need to figure out how you can save those texts somewhere other than your phone, in case something happens to your phone.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2015 14:23:05 GMT -5
On second thought...6 months in jail seemed to do wonders for my ex. The down side to that is if he serves his time while also pursuing some sort of visitation or joint custody arrangement, his behavior in jail may make him look like an OK parent. It sounds counterintuitive, but when I was a CASA for foster kids, we all dreaded the times when the problem parent(s) was in jail. It kept them from being disruptive for a little bit, but also helped them have a documented record of "good behavior" for that time period. Most of the parental reunification plans required some pretty basic steps - clean drug tests, attending a few parenting classes, getting some counseling (if that was required), not getting in trouble with the law for certain things and achieving certain visitation schedules - like visiting your child at least once a month for an hour. The majority of the problem parents couldn't or wouldn't do those basic things, believe it or not. Unless they were in jail. Because it was tougher to get the drugs, the classes and counseling was right there and they could put the visitation responsibility on someone else who had to bring the child to the jail. We used to joke that everybody was a great parent when they were in jail. So even the utter disasters would have this great looking record of 6 months (or whatever the length of their sentence was) of being 90%+ compliant with their parenting plan and looked like they were working hard to comply and be a good parent when the reality was that they were in jail and didn't have much of a choice otherwise. Yeah, I meant real jail. No getting out for work or child visitations, not even a fenced yard to get out to get some fresh air, no having people come visit you or even writing you letters or dropping off books to read.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Oct 2, 2015 14:25:36 GMT -5
Turns out there's a lot of help on the Internet on the subject of saving texts, but how you do it depends on the phone you have. I typed in "transfer texts from phone to computer" and found a lot of assistance.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 2, 2015 14:30:20 GMT -5
If I were you, I wouldn't respond to him at all. Any response, even a one-word response is going to provoke more ranting. Just ignore the jerk.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Oct 2, 2015 14:41:02 GMT -5
Agreed. I would suggest ending the correspondence. You have mentioned several times that you feel guilty over certain things. Do you not think he knows that? This man lived with you. He knows you - maybe better than anyone but your parents. He knows how to make you feel guilty and he's doing it over and over and over. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Unless you accept that, he's going to be able to keep on making you feel guilty. I'm sensitive and I feel bad for people. But once they screw me over? I'm done feeling guilty. Be done feeling guilty. Take away his tools of manipulation. After the things he's done to you and your children, it would take a saint to continue feeling guilty over anything that has to do with him. Just stop. You've done nothing wrong.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 2, 2015 14:41:57 GMT -5
My crazy ex would send daily emails and text messages that would swing from "I love you, and I am so sorry" to "this was all your fault anyway" sometimes with some false accusations thrown in. My mom made me call one of those abuse hot lines, and they told me that the best way to get him to stop was to never respond. It took some time, but the messages did taper off and eventually stopped completely.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 2, 2015 15:42:37 GMT -5
I found an app to transfer all the texts to pdf. Ended up being 65 pages long! It isn't easy to read formatwise, but at least it's saved. Goes from last October to present, although very little between March and now because I have mostly refused to text him.
His texts don't set off an alert on my phone. I don't remember when I did that, but it was awhile ago. Keeps him from being able to harass me on his terms.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 2, 2015 15:48:12 GMT -5
I found an app to transfer all the texts to pdf. Ended up being 65 pages long! It isn't easy to read formatwise, but at least it's saved. Goes from last October to present, although very little between March and now because I have mostly refused to text him. His texts don't set off an alert on my phone. I don't remember when I did that, but it was awhile ago. Keeps him from being able to harass me on his terms. Great! Now, if you don't respond to him at all there will be little chance of anyone suggesting you were soliciting his texts by responding to them. If you totally ignore him it will become quite obvious he's harassing you without cause.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 2, 2015 17:10:04 GMT -5
Normally I am very pro-father and would hope that both parents would work hard to co-parent the kids, so that the kids know they have two parents who love them.
HOWEVER - this guy takes the cake. He does not deserve to parent his kids. He shouldn't be put in charge of a dog. Or even a houseplant.
I'm sorry he has mental health issues and is attempting to fix them through drugs and alcohol, but that's his issue. You made a reasonable list of things you need him to do (get sober and stay sober being at the top of the list). He knows what he has to do, he just doesn't want to do it.
Add my vote for cutting him off. Maybe you send him a text saying he knows what it is you need him to do before you begin to allow him to be in the kids' lives again, and please don't contact you again until he's met those goals. Then ignore him. I don't like to completely give up on someone, so maybe, at some future date, he'll get his shit together, but until he does that (and can prove it) don't let him into your life. He's providing nothing but drama, and you have way too much to do as it is.
Hopefully he'll either straighten himself out or he'll wind up getting in some new form of mess that will distract him from the fact that he has kids. Or maybe he'll get in enough trouble he'll have to skip town again. I'm sorry that he's such a screw up, you and his kids deserve much better. At least your kids have one stellar parent!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 2, 2015 19:16:35 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. My ex actually got upset with me and ranted to DD about me not wanting to be FB friends with him. Are you kidding me? I so wanted to put the meme from here about being friends with your ex = kidnappers but DH talked me out of it. We've been divorced for over 15 years and separated for much longer than that. I can be civil friends ? No Fing way ever. The fact that he's so narcissistic that he thinks things are friendly between us is indicative of his ego as well as other mental problems. My former nephew lost his four year old daughter and I sent a fruit basket to the family from the kids and me. My ex sent via DD a thank you. Just to be in contact with me. My former nephew knows how to get ahold of me and did when he was able. He just can't stop bothering me. But I can handle it now.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 2, 2015 19:41:45 GMT -5
I learned the hard way, as well - along with some wonderful advice from friends, my attorney, and my doctor. Before I left the fool I ended up in the hospital with a headache that was crippling and which no medication (even narcotics) would touch. After two days in the hospital, a lumbar puncture, and enough medication to kill a buffalo my doctor told me I needed to divorce my headache. I still laugh remembering the look on his face when he said that. Thing is, they all said the same thing: Get out of there and don't ever speak to him again. All communication through the attorneys. No personal communication of any kind. Scheduled visitations for the children (which he didn't bother with anyway) and no communication at that time, either. Have someone else with me to handle it. As most said, the less you say (like nothing!) the less chance there is of something being said that he can twist to mean something else. It didn't take but one or two mistakes before I realized they were right. After that, the problems tapered off and finally stopped.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 2, 2015 20:06:58 GMT -5
Angel! - you are probably already doing this, but if not, make sure you are printing out all your text message conversations between the two of you. You never know if and when your phone will go kaput. Same thing with email too if you are communicating by email.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 2, 2015 23:02:07 GMT -5
So, the thought struck and I want to post it even if it has been before...read gift of fear. So many people recommend it (professionals) and the guy that wrote it is basically a consultant about stalkers and all that crap...It's really the book to read about dealing with stalkers, assholes, psychopaths, etc.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 2, 2015 23:09:10 GMT -5
So, the thought struck and I want to post it even if it has been before...read gift of fear. So many people recommend it (professionals) and the guy that wrote it is basically a consultant about stalkers and all that crap...It's really the book to read about dealing with stalkers, assholes, psychopaths, etc. I read it years ago and would recommend everyone read it.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 2, 2015 23:13:52 GMT -5
The book goes for cheap on Amazon often, I got it for $0.99 but my library has it in print and digital for free.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 3, 2015 8:04:40 GMT -5
I can tell you why I did but it might be different for her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 3, 2015 8:07:30 GMT -5
Author of Gift of Fear?
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Oct 3, 2015 8:23:32 GMT -5
Gavin De Becker
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