Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 15:14:21 GMT -5
Someone asked if you (not specifically i assume) schedule to call yourmother 3 days in advance. That is so notcomparable. I can only assume the person that posted that has no kids or kids long gone to remember. I pick up my son at 5ish and we get home about 5:15-5:30. Daycare/work/home are all within 1 mile and this is only 1 child. From the minute i pick him up until sleep time, which is usually later than it should be (9-9:30), i am constantly busy with him or things for him. Angel has 3 kids! Between picking them up (from 2 different locations i assume), getting home (probably not as short commute as me), activities, homework, etc, i can guarantee there is no convenient time. So unless scheduled, it would be a hit and miss. Our weekday evenings are hell too. My younger son's Dad always texts me before calling and asks if it's a convenient time. I REALLY appreciate that and 90% of the time I have DS call him within a half hour of him texting me, but their conversations are normally all of 5 minutes. If it was a situation where he expected to have a half hour talk it would have to be scheduled ahead of time.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Oct 1, 2015 15:25:51 GMT -5
I know a lot of you have been there, plus you know a decent amount of the history. That is why I ask. Plus, YM is not known to coddle people when they are being dumbasses. So unlike people IRL, you guys will be honest, not just tell me what you think I want to hear. I count on you all to tell me what you really think I should do. I may not follow everything recommended, but at least I can get a mostly unbiased honest answer, which I need sometimes. I have to much self-doubt & second guess everything. And he was my forever guy, but that is long gone. I have no love for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cry if I found out he was dead. But, the forever guy thing does explain some of my stupidity over the years & why I didn't leave way earlier. Even I look back & wonder why the hell I was so stupid. This is all well put. Quoted post has been removed. -Blonde Granny- Admin Speak for yourself. I am very concerned about Angel and her children, and I'm also concerned about many other posters. I keep coming back because I care about these people.
However, there are a few posters who are just assholes.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 15:31:47 GMT -5
Quoted post removed. -Blonde Granny- Admin Speak for yourself. I am very concerned about Angel and her children, and I'm also concerned about many other posters. I keep coming back because I care about these people.
However, there are a few posters who are just assholes.
I specifically said some posters do care. If you think posters should accept that others here are posting just to help, you are free to have that opinion. I think it is a dangerous view to have. If you think I am wrong post something where you think quite a bit different and see what kind of support you get.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Oct 1, 2015 15:33:04 GMT -5
Speak for yourself. I am very concerned about Angel and her children, and I'm also concerned about many other posters. I keep coming back because I care about these people.
However, there are a few posters who are just assholes.
I specifically said some posters do care. If you think posters should accept that others here are posting just to help, you are free to have that opinion. I think it is a dangerous view to have. If you think I am wrong post something where you think quite a bit different and see what kind of support you get. I know who I can rely on and who is just mean. I'm sure Angel knows too.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 1, 2015 15:33:53 GMT -5
Quote post has been removed -Blonde Granny Admin Speak for yourself. I am very concerned about Angel and her children, and I'm also concerned about many other posters. I keep coming back because I care about these people.
However, there are a few posters who are just assholes.
You know I can see this, right?!?!
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Oct 1, 2015 15:34:57 GMT -5
Speak for yourself. I am very concerned about Angel and her children, and I'm also concerned about many other posters. I keep coming back because I care about these people.
However, there are a few posters who are just assholes.
You know I can see this, right?!?! You're an asshole but I still love you!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 15:36:59 GMT -5
I specifically said some posters do care. If you think posters should accept that others here are posting just to help, you are free to have that opinion. I think it is a dangerous view to have. If you think I am wrong post something where you think quite a bit different and see what kind of support you get. I know who I can rely on and who is just mean. I'm sure Angel knows too. Some posters are not as smart or as astute as you and Angel. I'm not. I was just posting what I thought good advice. I did not know what Angel knew or what you know.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 15:42:39 GMT -5
That fact that him showing up at your house is enough to trigger a call to the police is pretty telling. If the neighbors know to call the cops - is there a restraining order in place, or is it just more of a preemptive measure? There is no restraining order. But I figure the only reasons he would show up unannounced & uninvited would be to harras me, stalk me, steal from me, or just break shit to mess with me. I'm hoping that him having a warrant & me not wanting him there would be enough for the police to show up, even if all he is doing is knocking on the door or standing on the street.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Oct 1, 2015 16:08:02 GMT -5
Quite a few posters on here have made real life connections. I haven't but that has more to do with my personality and the fact I'm not on social media. I don't think "enough" of them or even close to the majority are aholes passing the time. I think just like life you get out what you put in here. I have met 4 boardies so far. I'm pretty good friends with one in particular.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 16:12:48 GMT -5
I know a lot of you have been there, plus you know a decent amount of the history. That is why I ask. Plus, YM is not known to coddle people when they are being dumbasses. So unlike people IRL, you guys will be honest, not just tell me what you think I want to hear. I count on you all to tell me what you really think I should do. I may not follow everything recommended, but at least I can get a mostly unbiased honest answer, which I need sometimes. I have to much self-doubt & second guess everything. And he was my forever guy, but that is long gone. I have no love for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cry if I found out he was dead. But, the forever guy thing does explain some of my stupidity over the years & why I didn't leave way earlier. Even I look back & wonder why the hell I was so stupid. This is all well put. Quoted post has been removed. -Blonde Granny- Admin I think some posters care a lot. Some probably don't care as much. A small minority are assholes. But I have found most give their honest opinion regardless of which category they fall in. And that is what I want is honest opinions. They are undoubtedly biased because they've only ever heard my side of the story. Some are annoyed because they feel I am a broken record making no progress (I totally disagree, although I admit progress has been turtle paced & it has taken me years to get to this point). And some I consider friends even if we've never met because I've known them for so many years & discussed such a vast range of subjects. In all the threads I've ever read, if the OP disagrees with what 90% of what the posters are saying, they really should be taking a hard look at their choices. So I figure if the vast majority of posters tell me X, then I should really listen & consider what they are saying even if I don't agree. So sometimes I ask for opinions if I'm having a hard time because I feel like I get honest advice. And I've found that feeling like a dozen or so people have my back truly helps push me forward even to take tough steps.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 16:14:45 GMT -5
Alright, I've called the lawyer. He is going to return my call Monday . I wasn't too disappointed until I realized today is Thursday, when I was on the phone I thought it was Friday for some reason....it's been a long week.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 1, 2015 16:14:31 GMT -5
Add me to the chorus of stay the hell away from him. Everyone has well covered the why of it all.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 1, 2015 16:18:54 GMT -5
Yea, I think it's been well established that if something actually makes 90 percent of YM agree, it's probably a good idea to listen.
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sbcalimom
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Post by sbcalimom on Oct 1, 2015 16:23:28 GMT -5
I wasn't referring to my situation there. I would never even consider such a scenario with my ex because it just isn't necessary. Perhaps I should have been more clear in my post but I was purely listing one of the options the attorney gave me. She also suggested that I could allow for him to call at any time or on set days, or whatever made the most sense for both him and us. However, my kids' dad isn't a manipulative asshat with the kind of history angel has had to deal with so it's an entirely different situation. I can only imagine how disruptive it would be when it is so stressful to wonder if he's going to call every single night. In that case, limiting the days he could call makes a lot more sense. Follow your attorney's advice and see how long that lasts. My attorney never advised me to do this. She was giving me OPTIONS to consider. There is nothing wrong with getting information on what your choices are at the start of a process so you can make an informed decision about what makes the most sense for your individual situation. She would be a terrible attorney if she dictated to me one and only one way to handle things instead she gave at least 4 options of how to set up a parenting plan for times he's abroad.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Oct 1, 2015 16:33:20 GMT -5
I do care about Angel and wasn't trying to drag her into rehashing the past, but I believe it is relevant because past behavior is the biggest predictor of future behavior. If he hasn't gotten some kind of treatment and set himself on a different path then she needs to do whatever she can to protect her kids. I think the lawyer was a good step.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Oct 1, 2015 16:51:43 GMT -5
I do care about Angel and wasn't trying to drag her into rehashing the past, but I believe it is relevant because past behavior is the biggest predictor of future behavior. If he hasn't gotten some kind of treatment and set himself on a different path then she needs to do whatever she can to protect her kids. I think the lawyer was a good step. This. I'm all for kids have contact with both of their parents. But, parents can't and shouldn't bound in and out of their kids lives as if it's not big deal. Putting aside, that he's an abusive alcoholic drug addicted asshole, the fact that he doesn't seem to really give a crap about his kids is going to hurt them.
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quince
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Post by quince on Oct 1, 2015 17:16:55 GMT -5
I do also think unsupportive =/= not caring.
If Angel had posted that her ex was getting in touch again, hadn't changed, and she thought it was a good idea to take him back/give him unsupervised time with the kids, I think a lot of posters here would not be supportive of that decision, but it certainly wouldn't be because we don't care about Angel and her kids.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 1, 2015 17:49:48 GMT -5
Stay strong girl. This guy hasn't earned the right to have any contact with your kids at all. Just my opinion. Personally I wouldn't even let him have phone calls until he shows you a six month sobriety chip. If you tell him that, and stick to it, we both know he won't do it. His addictions and his needs are more important to him than his children. That's why you left his sorry ass in the first place. Every time he visits then disappears on the kids he breaks their hearts all over again. You know that's how it's going to play out. He's proved it to you over and over. Stop helping him fuck over your children. They aren't going to thank you for it later. You know that. Perfectly said and I agree. Angel, I think you already knew what to do but wanted to err on the safe side just in case you were missing something that might benefit your kids and you just didn't want your own personal story with him (spouse/relationship wise) to get in the way of your decision as a parent. That just makes you an excellent mom. I will reiterate what Dark said - Stay strong, girl! You got this since your instincts sound dead on.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 18:03:01 GMT -5
"Every time he visits then disappears on the kids he breaks their hearts all over again."
This! Even as adults there could be that one ex that keeps coming in and out of our lives that mess us up. Think of how much worse it is for tiny hearts to have not some random guy but their own father get in and out. Not making it convenient for the dad to see them as he feels like it does not equal keeping the kids from him. You need to do what is in the best interest of the kids. It is not your job to make it convenient for him to see the kids, he should be the one being inconvenienced to stay in his kids' lives.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 1, 2015 18:13:53 GMT -5
This cold has me muddle-headed so I just got through this whole thread. Angel!, I've got to join the consensus. With his background, this guy would have to show me a full year of consistent behavior and sobriety (both drugs and alcohol) before I'd even consider talking to him. I learned the hard way the kind of behaviors he's exhibiting will do nothing but get further out of line the more slack he's given. He's a danger to you and he's a danger to the children. Until he recognizes that and takes the necessary steps to clean up his act and become worthy of being a child's father, he needs to get lost and stay lost. The kids may not understand now, but they'll understand later - believe me on that. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's the epitome of hell on earth as far as I'm concerned.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 1, 2015 18:55:37 GMT -5
I could be mixing up posters, but didn't this guy put your kids' lives at risk by physically attacking you while you were driving them in a car? Did he terrorize them with outbursts of rage while breaking a bunch of stuff in the house? If he hasn't gotten any treatment, what would prevent the normal escalation of this behavior? This generally doesn't get milder or even stay the same without treatment, it typically escalates. Basically yes, that was all him. And you would be surprised how little the courts cared about all that. Over the past 5 years I tried on 3 occasions to get a restraining order, all 3 requests were rejected. Because I left & took the kids with me when he started breaking stuff, there was no charges from the police. He is allowed to break our stuff as long as I'm not present when he does so...there is no law against breaking your own stuff. When he didn't want to me to come home once & I was scared to go into the house, the police helped me get my stuff. What they couldn't do is make him leave, because it was his house too & he doesn't want to leave & had broken no laws. But they basically told me I better leave because he was extremely angry & aggressive & they didn't doubt they would be back if I chose to stay in the house that night. I tried to get a restraining order then, but since he was planning to move out, the judge didn't see the need. Told me to come back if he didn't actually move out.
When he went through an extremely suicidal period I twice had him picked up & taken to the hospital, both times he was let out when he sobered up instead of held for any sort of watch. Apparently threatening suicide doesn't count if you were drunk when you did it. When he was hospitalized as a john doe after ODing I begged them to hold him & get him mental help. They gave him a list of references to call for help when they sent him out the door 8 hours later.
The most help I got was when I tried again to get a restraining order after he faked suicide while on the phone with me...I told the judge that he was mentally unstable & suicidal & I don't want him to have access to the kids. No restraining order, but the judge did tell me to apply for emergency custody order. But I am still convinced the only reason I got full custody is because he didn't bother to fight it.
It scares me though because every step of the way, if I've taken steps to protect myself & the kids, then the courts & police see no need to interfere. Since I didn't stay & watch him break half the stuff in the house, he did nothing wrong. Since I stayed at a hotel with the kids to avoid a possible confrontation, he did nothing wrong. He has never actually been diagnosed as bi-polar although I can pretty much guarantee he is. But, right now he is in an up period, he is manic & trying to fix his life & play super dad. I'm scared that the courts won't see all this & won't care about all this. They certainly didn't when I tried for a restraining order. They will see no laws have been broken & no incidents have been reported for years. They will see him during a manic phase when he will have a job, have a residence, & be able to talk about how great he is doing & how much he loves his kids. And I'm terrified they will question why I've kept this guy out of his kids lives for so long & grant joint custody.
Maybe I'm way off base because I've never had to actually do the custody battle thing. But I don't want to set up a situation where I get screwed because of choices I am making now when it comes to future custody. And I feel like the further we go into the future, the lower the bar will be set for him to prove he is all better because the incidents I list will be further & further in the past with no new incidents showing he still has a problem.
You need a damn good lawyer. I had a woman whose reputation was that of a "bulldog." She protected me and mine A LOT but even then I was terrified he'd have me killed. But there was no question SHE would have gotten any judge she wanted to sign off on anything she wanted. You need a BULLDOG.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 18:56:02 GMT -5
Get over being nice. I'm generally a nice person too, but I've learned that some people, you just can't be nice to. Talk to your lawyer, and stand your ground on what's best for your babies. Nobody cares about anything he's talking about, because he hasn't shown that he really cares about his kids. If he did, he'd get some help with his issues and get his shit together for good so he could be a good parent and a positive part of their lives. You have 3 kids, a household to run, a job, family and friends...... you have a bunch of other stuff to concern yourself with, other than playing nice with a jackass.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 1, 2015 19:06:42 GMT -5
Listen. I would have given anything when I was going through my separation and divorce, to have had this board to help and counsel me. My lawyer had balls but I didn't. I almost sabotaged her and to a certain extent, I did.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Oct 1, 2015 19:10:29 GMT -5
Get over being nice. I'm generally a nice person too, but I've learned that some people, you just can't be nice to. Talk to your lawyer, and stand your ground on what's best for your babies. Nobody cares about anything he's talking about, because he hasn't shown that he really cares about his kids. If he did, he'd get some help with his issues and get his shit together for good so he could be a good parent and a positive part of their lives. You have 3 kids, a household to run, a job, family and friends...... you have a bunch of other stuff to concern yourself with, other than playing nice with a jackass. This post ^^^ I love. The jackass needs to be shown the damn door.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 1, 2015 19:52:31 GMT -5
My attorney never advised me to do this. She was giving me OPTIONS to consider. There is nothing wrong with getting information on what your choices are at the start of a process so you can make an informed decision about what makes the most sense for your individual situation. She would be a terrible attorney if she dictated to me one and only one way to handle things instead she gave at least 4 options of how to set up a parenting plan for times he's abroad. OR! how about your attorney is being paid to represent you and only you and only your interests? Therefore, the attorney is presenting you, their client, with an array of potential actions so you can choose which one you feel is best for your situation. The STBXH has or should have his own attorney paid for by him and only him to protect his and only his interests. If any of those items are not to his liking, then his attorney will advise him on his interests and potential actions. I really have no idea why hickle thinks that an attorney should be considering the rights of your STBXH, or why YOUR lawyer should be trying to arbiter some happy medium that is fair to both parties. That's what the JUDGE determines. Or - a mediator. Some people should either get out of the house more, or watch some TV. A lawyer's advice to their client doesn't get put into action with the other party having no say. One party in a dispute doesn't just decide on 3 days notice being a requirement and that happens. Really? I prefer advice that is actually relevant to my situation. Especially if I'm paying for it. Wouldn't that be in my best interest?
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 1, 2015 19:53:45 GMT -5
I think I only posted it on fb, but there was this meme that seems appropriate.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 21:12:20 GMT -5
Listen. I would have given anything when I was going through my separation and divorce, to have had this board to help and counsel me. My lawyer had balls but I didn't. I almost sabotaged her and to a certain extent, I did. Right now I love this board! You all have me feeling so much better about the situation and more confident about the steps I need to take.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 21:23:04 GMT -5
I would love to give words of advice but the only divorce I ever went through was my parents and apparently it was quite the acrimonious one. I never really knew how bad it was though because, A) I apparently lived in a bubble (and a book) and B) they tried to keep us out of it. I only know now because of paperwork I found after my dad died. I knew he hated my mother for the longest time but had no idea why. Now I do know but also know he got over it long enough to be civil at our weddings and my sister's birthday dinner the week before he died. As for you, Angel, do what feels right for you and your kids. My father did. I may not have always appreciated it but I do now. He, and my uncle, were protecting us from my mother's alcoholism. May not have thought so then, but realize it now.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 2, 2015 8:27:27 GMT -5
Listen. I would have given anything when I was going through my separation and divorce, to have had this board to help and counsel me. My lawyer had balls but I didn't. I almost sabotaged her and to a certain extent, I did. Right now I love this board! You all have me feeling so much better about the situation and more confident about the steps I need to take. Yep, we all love to stick our own $0.02 in. All kidding aside, I'm really happy you're going to talk to the lawyer again. And I'm off days this week too. So glad it's Friday now.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 2, 2015 9:42:30 GMT -5
I would love to give words of advice but the only divorce I ever went through was my parents and apparently it was quite the acrimonious one. I never really knew how bad it was though because, A) I apparently lived in a bubble (and a book) and B) they tried to keep us out of it. I only know now because of paperwork I found after my dad died. I knew he hated my mother for the longest time but had no idea why. Now I do know but also know he got over it long enough to be civil at our weddings and my sister's birthday dinner the week before he died. As for you, Angel, do what feels right for you and your kids. My father did. I may not have always appreciated it but I do now. He, and my uncle, were protecting us from my mother's alcoholism. May not have thought so then, but realize it now. Good for you and good for your parents. It sounds like you were always on their mind during their parting.
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