What should I do - regarding my ex

[NancysSummerSip]

Oct 1, 2015 12:45:43 GMT -5 @bunnysmom said:

This is a topic that hits close to home with me. I have similar fears as you do Angel regarding my ex wanting more. Luckily he has completely left us alone. He had asked for terminationof his parental rights in court and i fully agreed, unfortunately the judge didnt. My ex didnt have the issues your ex does but i also got the feeling that none of what he does/did wrong mattered, whereas i felt like i would lose my son if i didnt agree to everything. Courts are supposed to have the kids' best interest but in my opinion they rarely do! A judge is not going to know better than a mother what is best for her kids. In your case, i truly believe you are acting in the best interest of your kidsbut having to give in because of your fears of shared custody. My lawyer had given me one great advice that made me feel great, i dont have to answer or returnevery phone call, i dont have to agree to every visitation request. Your email was spot on when you saidit is not in the best interest of the kids. I really hope your ex just disappears out of your life. Maybeif you stop agreeing to visitation he will give up? Especially since he probably is using the kids as an excuse to see you. I wouldnt wish an absent parent on any kid but sometimes it is in the kids' best interest.

I wondered how you were doing, since I had not seen you post much. Good to see you on the boards.

[giramomma]

I'm late to the party.

PLEASE don't fuck around with this. Just shut down your ex as soon as you can. Boundaries, the law, whatever it takes.

Two years ago, one of our friends went completely off the deep end. It was bad, and then quickly escalated to the dad threatening to kill the wife and kids. And yes, he had access to guns.

The situation quickly escalated to involve the kids' school, and the whole school was on lock down during the school day. We had armed guards at our school for quite a long time, due to the hearing schedule.

What's even worse is on the news, the news casters thought it was appropriate to mention that the dad had threatened to kill the kids on tv. How do you explain that to your child? That your own parent was intent on killing you?

This all took place after the restraining order was issued.

[Angel!]

Oct 1, 2015 13:03:18 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Has he been showing up at the house?

Not that I am aware of. No sign of him coming by & the neighbors know to call the cops if they see him.

Although in a tirade of texts received since the email he threatened to come by. Said I need to talk to him on the phone or "I will be knocking on your door every day I am off to see my kids. Day and night."..."On my way over soon. Before school & after."  And a bunch of other blah, blah, blah... I'm a bitch, I'm hurting my kids, I'm playing games with everyone's lives, etc.

My favorite was the end of the last text "Think about the decisions you are making and notice how it effects mine yours and our kids life. Think".  I so wanted to reply back "if you'd bothered to think about any decisions you've made over the past 5 years, then you wouldn't be in this situation".  Either that or just texted "TLDR" .  But, I just ignored the blather as I do now when he rants. 

[NancysSummerSip]

Angel, remember that most of what you are getting on this thread is coming from people who have been there, either as the divorced and/or abused spouse, or the child of such a situation. Or they're like me and have seen this stuff from the legal side of the street. No one here wants you or the kids hurt in any way. There is just way too much history here and most important, you have no respect or trust for your ex. I don't care how much you love or did love him. I get that at one time, he was the forever guy.

But that forever guy no longer exists. The man who fathered your children did just that, and then slithered into a hellhole. He does have a choice on whether he wants to come out for good. Treatment exists, but he has to do most of the work. It's not just about the clean and sober part of the deal. If he dumped the drugs and booze tomorrow, it would not change a thing about him. He has to learn to live the clean life and deal with everyone as a clean person. He cannot do that. Right now, he's the center of his own lowdown universe and everyone is supposed to do his bidding, where and when he wants, and when they don't, his drug-riddled brain melts down. You cannot make him do it, wish him to do it, or beg him to do it. And you cannot keep playing these games with him, thinking if you give a little, you'll get him to do the right thing. You won't. Because he has a Master's in manipulation with a Ph.D in cunning. And if you keep giving him the proverbial inch, he'll turn it into a mile and use it as a path against you eventually.

[andi9899]

What does TLDR mean?

[souldoubt]

Too long didn't read.

Angel - your last post says he's threatening you saying he will show up at your house.  Follow DH's (aka Sum Dum Gai) advice and cut him off at the knees now.  Make it clear that if he comes to the house or continues to harass you then the cops will know he's back in town and you'll give them his phone number so they can find him.  This isn't to be vindictive it's to get a piece of shit out of your life who is now threatening you and may be a threat to your kids.  I've never been in your situation but I was raised by a single mom and had a deadbeat dad so I can relate in that regard.  If he wanted to make a legitimate effort he would be going about it much differently.  

[Angel!]

So I downloaded the last 18 months of phone records. Here it is since December 2014, I could go back further, but I remember December is one of the times he went no contact for months.

12/7 - 2/27 - No contact - He was trying this "let's be friends" thing prior to this.  I played along until he sent me a totally inappropriate picture & text to which I called him out & said we can't friends because clearly he doesn't want to be just friends.  He got upset & disappeared off the grid.

2/28 - 3/17 - a few calls

3/18 - He hung up on DD & made her cry. Huge fight ensued & that is when I stopped speaking to him & since then only respond to emails involving the kids.

3/19 - 5/1 - No contact

5/2 - 7/4 - weekly phone call

7/5 - 9/7 - No phone calls, although there was the 30 minute visit for DS1's bday in late July

9/7 - Present  Increasing number of phone calls, varies from every 2-3 days to twice/day

I remember last year he didn't call for DD or DS1's Bdays, but then had the balls to be upset at me because I didn't have them call on his Bday.  .  I had them call for the last 2 father's days.  He didn't answer on either.

[yogiii]

He doesn't need a Father's Day phone call unless he starts acting like a father.

Sorry you are going through this. 

[Angel!]

Oct 1, 2015 13:30:32 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Angel, remember that most of what you are getting on this thread is coming from people who have been there, either as the divorced and/or abused spouse, or the child of such a situation. Or they're like me and have seen this stuff from the legal side of the street. No one here wants you or the kids hurt in any way. There is just way too much history here and most important, you have no respect or trust for your ex. I don't care how much you love or did love him. I get that at one time, he was the forever guy.

I know a lot of you have been there, plus you know a decent amount of the history. That is why I ask. Plus, YM is not known to coddle people when they are being dumbasses. So unlike people IRL, you guys will be honest, not just tell me what you think I want to hear. I count on you all to tell me what you really think I should do. I may not follow everything recommended, but at least I can get a mostly unbiased honest answer, which I need sometimes. I have to much self-doubt & second guess everything.

And he was my forever guy, but that is long gone. I have no love for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cry if I found out he was dead. But, the forever guy thing does explain some of my stupidity over the years & why I didn't leave way earlier. Even I look back & wonder why the hell I was so stupid.

But that forever guy no longer exists. The man who fathered your children did just that, and then slithered into a hellhole. He does have a choice on whether he wants to come out for good. Treatment exists, but he has to do most of the work. It's not just about the clean and sober part of the deal. If he dumped the drugs and booze tomorrow, it would not change a thing about him. He has to learn to live the clean life and deal with everyone as a clean person. He cannot do that. Right now, he's the center of his own lowdown universe and everyone is supposed to do his bidding, where and when he wants, and when they don't, his drug-riddled brain melts down. You cannot make him do it, wish him to do it, or beg him to do it. And you cannot keep playing these games with him, thinking if you give a little, you'll get him to do the right thing. You won't. Because he has a Master's in manipulation with a Ph.D in cunning. And if you keep giving him the proverbial inch, he'll turn it into a mile and use it as a path against you eventually.

This is all well put.

[Angel!]

Oct 1, 2015 13:23:17 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I'm late to the party.

PLEASE don't fuck around with this. Just shut down your ex as soon as you can. Boundaries, the law, whatever it takes.

Two years ago, one of our friends went completely off the deep end. It was bad, and then quickly escalated to the dad threatening to kill the wife and kids. And yes, he had access to guns.

The situation quickly escalated to involve the kids' school, and the whole school was on lock down during the school day. We had armed guards at our school for quite a long time, due to the hearing schedule.

What's even worse is on the news, the news casters thought it was appropriate to mention that the dad had threatened to kill the kids on tv. How do you explain that to your child? That your own parent was intent on killing you?

This all took place after the restraining order was issued.

  That is sad.  I hope it doesn't come to this.  If he shows up at the house I am going to call the police.  I haven't told him that (didn't want to send an email that sounded threatening), but he is a complete idiot if he thinks otherwise.

[Deleted]

Oct 1, 2015 10:50:02 GMT -5 Opti said:

Oct 1, 2015 10:39:47 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Damn right I would fire an attorney who was telling me it was okay to fuck over my kids if I wanted to fuck over my ex.  And that is what he is saying.

The lawyer gave parameters for when the XH was abroad. If the time difference is problematic, maybe the only reasonable time might be on the weekends for both parties. The lawyer is not saying this is how you should do it, but some limits of what she could choose.

But if you would think its better to wake the kid up at 2 or 3AM during the week for  phone call, we probably have different priorities.

ETA: My understanding is those were outer limits told to the poster for when XH was out of the country. Not when he was in the US.

she said her ex was a nice guy and a good dad.  What was said matters with what replies mean.

[whoami]

Oct 1, 2015 12:03:25 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Oct 1, 2015 10:40:30 GMT -5 whoami said:

I actually agree with this. People actually schedule phone calls these days for a non PITA ex?  How do you do that, with an email?  Do those have to be scheduled too?  

FWIW....I had a PITA ex and was divorced when my kids were 4 and 6.  I did the disney dad, didnt pay CS on time, interferring new wiveS,  dance until the youngest was 18. 

Well, I can see both the good and the bad in this, but with a Dad that is overseas, I would think social media, texting and e-mails would become very effective means of communication.

A text, to you our a teen child - can I call you tonight after 6, or this weekend? might work very well.  I have family spread out all over the place and we keep in touch via facebook.  I am starting to see younger children of family members have FB accounts too.  (I know not generally recommended, but am assuming that family members are a "safer" way to introduce the younger ones to FB).

I do see a benefit to the extended family being "friends" with my young adult kids and me being "friends" with my young adult and teen nieces and nephews.  We can keep an eye on what they are doing and gently push them to more responsible behavior. 

Not for Angel, but in SBCAli's situation, allowing the Ex to be friends on social media might be beneficial.  She can also be "friends" to monitor everything stays appropriate, or she could assign that to another family member say an Aunt or Uncle so she could stay out of it. 

I see both good and bad in scheduling calls.  I called my G-ma every Sunday night as a young adult.  We both had that time set aside for the call.  Personally I would ask for the scheduled calls, but I would be open to changing things up - ie.  Calls consistently happen on Sunday eve, but a family party or vacation plans interrupting call, so we are rescheduling to Tuesday night- and I would encourage the use of social media - like posting picks of homecoming events your child participated in, or the class project son worked on etc. so the distant parent can stay involved.

If people want to over complicated their lives by having a court order forcing the parties to schedule...a scheduled phone call...knock yourself out.

I lived in the real world and played the game under a court order for 14 years....and I can guarantee you the only thing this sort of nonsense will accomplish is pissed off kids and an acrimonious relationship ...especially if you arent talking about a *super crazy ass ex.

[Deleted]

Oct 1, 2015 11:09:46 GMT -5 cktc said:

Oct 1, 2015 10:56:23 GMT -5 imawino said:

Nonsense.  It does not require 3 days notice to figure out a decent time to call.  Just because someone doesn't ask 3 days in advance does not mean they are an idiot who will call young children at 3am.  If he travels abroad routinely for business, he understands how time zones work.  Acting like it is giant inconvenience to make a few minutes for a decent father to communicate with his children is not a good message for the kids. 

I think it's fair if you expect an answer and won't be available yourself outside a very limited time frame. Cell phones have created this expectation that people be available on demand but that still isn't reality because its not always a good time to talk.

  Do you set up an appointment to call your mother 3 days ahead of calling to be sure it wont be inconvenient for her?

[NancysSummerSip]

And he was my forever guy, but that is long gone. I have no love for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cry if I found out he was dead. But, the forever guy thing does explain some of my stupidity over the years & why I didn't leave way earlier. Even I look back & wonder why the hell I was so stupid.

In some sense, his death would at least mean the end of the what ifs. Not that there would be closure, but you would have less worry. I get the sense that the continual yo-yo effects of the booze/drug cycles may well end up killing him at some point. The stress on the body is tremendous in that situation.

You were not stupid. Just a girl in love with the man of her dreams. He chose to take those dreams (and the reality you tried to build) and rip it to shreds. I believe that most people can be saved from their personal rock bottoms. I do not believe that anyone else can save them; only reach out with a hand up. You've done that and the legal/social services system has done that. He's made the decision to remain in his own putrid little pity pit. Leave him there and move on to your own personal form of greatness. You are bigger and better than this.

[Deleted]

Oct 1, 2015 11:50:13 GMT -5 sbcalimom said:

Oct 1, 2015 10:42:26 GMT -5 imawino said:

I wasn't referring to my situation there. I would never even consider such a scenario with my ex because it just isn't necessary.

Perhaps I should have been more clear in my post but I was purely listing one of the options the attorney gave me. She also suggested that I could allow for him to call at any time or on set days, or whatever made the most sense for both him and us.

However, my kids' dad isn't a manipulative asshat with the kind of history angel has had to deal with so it's an entirely different situation. I can only imagine how disruptive it would be when it is so stressful to wonder if he's going to call every single night. In that case, limiting the days he could call makes a lot more sense.

Follow your attorney's advice and see how long that lasts.

[Deleted]

No matter how much this hurts, remember time will pass.  Good luck for you and your children.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Oct 1, 2015 13:57:59 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Oct 1, 2015 13:23:17 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I'm late to the party.

PLEASE don't fuck around with this. Just shut down your ex as soon as you can. Boundaries, the law, whatever it takes.

Two years ago, one of our friends went completely off the deep end. It was bad, and then quickly escalated to the dad threatening to kill the wife and kids. And yes, he had access to guns.

The situation quickly escalated to involve the kids' school, and the whole school was on lock down during the school day. We had armed guards at our school for quite a long time, due to the hearing schedule.

What's even worse is on the news, the news casters thought it was appropriate to mention that the dad had threatened to kill the kids on tv. How do you explain that to your child? That your own parent was intent on killing you?

This all took place after the restraining order was issued.

  That is sad.  I hope it doesn't come to this.  If he shows up at the house I am going to call the police.  I haven't told him that (didn't want to send an email that sounded threatening), but he is a complete idiot if he thinks otherwise.

Isn't that a given for him, at this point? 

[Deleted]

Oct 1, 2015 13:45:31 GMT -5 Angel! said:

So I downloaded the last 18 months of phone records. Here it is since December 2014, I could go back further, but I remember December is one of the times he went no contact for months.

12/7 - 2/27 - No contact - He was trying this "let's be friends" thing prior to this.  I played along until he sent me a totally inappropriate picture & text to which I called him out & said we can't friends because clearly he doesn't want to be just friends.  He got upset & disappeared off the grid.

2/28 - 3/17 - a few calls

3/18 - He hung up on DD & made her cry. Huge fight ensued & that is when I stopped speaking to him & since then only respond to emails involving the kids.

3/19 - 5/1 - No contact

5/2 - 7/4 - weekly phone call

7/5 - 9/7 - No phone calls, although there was the 30 minute visit for DS1's bday in late July

9/7 - Present  Increasing number of phone calls, varies from every 2-3 days to twice/day

I remember last year he didn't call for DD or DS1's Bdays, but then had the balls to be upset at me because I didn't have them call on his Bday.  .  I had them call for the last 2 father's days.  He didn't answer on either.

When did he take off for Texas? 

I must say, I'm really shocked he came back.  Wasn't all his family down there?  Stuff like that kind of creeps me out a little.  My ex has been commuting an hour every morning to his job and decided in July to get an apartment down there instead, saving himself 10 hours of driving, lots of gas, and $200/month in rent.  Great idea right?  Three weeks after moving down he moved back because he "couldn't stand being that far away from his family and it would be easier on all of us".  <sigh>

[Angel!]

Oct 1, 2015 14:21:07 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 1, 2015 13:45:31 GMT -5 Angel! said:

So I downloaded the last 18 months of phone records. Here it is since December 2014, I could go back further, but I remember December is one of the times he went no contact for months.

12/7 - 2/27 - No contact - He was trying this "let's be friends" thing prior to this.  I played along until he sent me a totally inappropriate picture & text to which I called him out & said we can't friends because clearly he doesn't want to be just friends.  He got upset & disappeared off the grid.

2/28 - 3/17 - a few calls

3/18 - He hung up on DD & made her cry. Huge fight ensued & that is when I stopped speaking to him & since then only respond to emails involving the kids.

3/19 - 5/1 - No contact

5/2 - 7/4 - weekly phone call

7/5 - 9/7 - No phone calls, although there was the 30 minute visit for DS1's bday in late July

9/7 - Present  Increasing number of phone calls, varies from every 2-3 days to twice/day

I remember last year he didn't call for DD or DS1's Bdays, but then had the balls to be upset at me because I didn't have them call on his Bday.  .  I had them call for the last 2 father's days.  He didn't answer on either.

When did he take off for Texas? 

I must say, I'm really shocked he came back.  Wasn't all his family down there?  Stuff like that kind of creeps me out a little.  My ex has been commuting an hour every morning to his job and decided in July to get an apartment down there instead, saving himself 10 hours of driving, lots of gas, and $200/month in rent.  Great idea right?  Three weeks after moving down he moved back because he "couldn't stand being that far away from his family and it would be easier on all of us".  <sigh>

He left last August, so was gone almost a year.  I was shocked he came back at all.  As far as I knew he was broke & not working.  That is why I said yes to the original visit.  I didn't think he would ever make it out here & that way he couldn't whine that I was keeping him from his kids.  I do remember some whiny email about his mom kicking him out or something, so my guess is that everything went to hell in TX & he somehow got some money to come here.  I'm also thinking he intended to stay from the get go & just never said until after the visit.  How the hell else would he have arranged a place to stay & start back up at his old job so fast?

This thread has me reading through past emails & I'm becoming more convinced the whole thing has been some scheme that he thinks will get us back together.  I'll come back & show her I've changed & everything will go back to the way it was.  7/4, the last day for 2 months that he called the kids was the day I said ok to the visit.  I thought he stopped calling because he was going to see them soon.  Now I think he stopped calling because I was emailing him again & that is all he really wanted.  Then he started calling again after DD's Bday when we have no more visits planned & no more reason to talk.  So he resorts to calling again to show he is a good dad & then asks for additional visits.

[Deleted]

Awesome.  You gave him money to go to Texas and his Mom probably gave him money to go back. 

[grumpyhermit]

I don't have kids, and I don't have any crazy exes, so obvious grain of salt here...

That fact that him showing up at your house is enough to trigger a call to the police is pretty telling. If the neighbors know to call the cops - is there a restraining order in place, or is it just more of a preemptive measure?

Parents that care about their kids don't act this way. You know that. Stop feeling badly about cutting this douche out of your day to day lives. Letting him back in is not good for you, and it doesn't appear to be good for your kids. As others have said - if he really wants to be part of their lives again - make HIM work for it, and stop twisting yourself up into knots. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your kids dad is a dick, and that sucks for them, but you trying to be the nice guy isn't going to magically make him not a dick. He doesn't seem to be operating on the plane of a normal, rational, adult.

I am not a big fan of maintaining relationships with people "just because they are family." If you only bring stress and negativity to my life, I really don't care that we share blood, I don't have a problem cutting you out. Your kids are obviously not old enough to make that call for themselves, so you have to be the one to do it. Will your kids resent you for that later? Possibly. But if he is as manipulative and hostile as you make him out to be, the chances are pretty good that he will try to paint you as the bad guy down the road regardless of what you do now to try to maintain his relationship with the kids. He isn't going to be the nice rational guy that acknowledges that you tried, he is only going to outline how you cut him from their lives. I mean you said ONE time didn't work for you, and offered alternatives, and he turned it into a victim party about how you are trying to keep him from his kids.

Do only what you are legally required to, and not one iota more. You trying to be nice obviously only gets your grief with this guy, so do yourself a favor, and stop.

Also - I don't intend any of the above to be assholish or judgmental. My dad was an alcoholic and while not abusive to me, definitely played some mind games on my mom, particularly as it pertained to my siblings and me. A conversation we had after I was well into adulthood related to the fact that he had her convinced that I would simply cut her out of my life if she pushed me to hard, because she just didn't "get me". It's true - my mother and I are VERY different people, but that assertion was pure bullshit on his part designed to make her feel like shit. This was probably 10 years after he died, and it was still weighing on her mind. Even as a kid, before he died, I remember totally understanding why she would want to divorce him (not that she did, and I don't know that she ever would have). You are going to have to trust that even if your kids are angry at you for a while, they will hopefully gain some sense of perspective when they reach adulthood and will eventually thank you for keeping an emotionally manipulative asshat out of their lives.

[Jaguar]

Angel!, you are seeing patterns of his manipulation and that's a good thing for you. Learn to say NO!!!

[cktc]

Oct 1, 2015 14:03:19 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Oct 1, 2015 11:09:46 GMT -5 cktc said:

I think it's fair if you expect an answer and won't be available yourself outside a very limited time frame. Cell phones have created this expectation that people be available on demand but that still isn't reality because its not always a good time to talk.

  Do you set up an appointment to call your mother 3 days ahead of calling to be sure it wont be inconvenient for her?

If I really want to talk to someone and we both have limited time available, yes. Whenever I travel abroad I have set times I would call people in the states that would be convenient for both of us. If I made or received calls outside those times and we were unable to talk it was no big deal, but being unavailable during the set times was very disappointing.

What is wrong with saying can you set aside 30 minutes to an hour sometime in the next three days to talk? I would think that would be better than a daily 2 minute call because one of you is in the middle of something, or having to cancel plans last minute if you want to talk to your parent because it is all on their schedule.

I'm not saying that parents shouldn't be allowed to call their children whenever they want, just that they shouldn't expect to be able to connect outside set times.

I turn my ringer off at work, at night, when I'm with friends, at the movies, at an appointment. If people need to convey information then they are welcome to do so at any hour, by leaving a message, but if they are just calling to chat, sorry, it has to be convenient for me too.

[NancysSummerSip]

He left last August, so was gone almost a year. I was shocked he came back at all. As far as I knew he was broke & not working. That is why I said yes to the original visit. I didn't think he would ever make it out here & that way he couldn't whine that I was keeping him from his kids. I do remember some whiny email about his mom kicking him out or something, so my guess is that everything went to hell in TX & he somehow got some money to come here. I'm also thinking he intended to stay from the get go & just never said until after the visit. How the hell else would he have arranged a place to stay & start back up at his old job so fast?

I'm with MPL...his mama gave him the money to get the heck out and just leave her alone. The fact that his own mother told him to hit the road and likely provided him with the means says a lot about him, and none of it is good. Moms will put up with a lot, as many of you can attest. When a mother's patience runs out, there's nothing left to say and not much reason for redemption.

[Jaguar]

Oct 1, 2015 14:52:48 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Oct 1, 2015 13:53:32 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I know a lot of you have been there, plus you know a decent amount of the history. That is why I ask. Plus, YM is not known to coddle people when they are being dumbasses. So unlike people IRL, you guys will be honest, not just tell me what you think I want to hear. I count on you all to tell me what you really think I should do. I may not follow everything recommended, but at least I can get a mostly unbiased honest answer, which I need sometimes. I have to much self-doubt & second guess everything.

And he was my forever guy, but that is long gone. I have no love for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cry if I found out he was dead. But, the forever guy thing does explain some of my stupidity over the years & why I didn't leave way earlier. Even I look back & wonder why the hell I was so stupid.

This is all well put.

Quoted post has been removed. -Blonde Granny- Admin

I disagree with your statement very much.

[Deleted]

Oct 1, 2015 14:52:48 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Quoted post has been removed.  -Blonde Granny-Admin

You are wrong.  A lot of people do care and some of my best friends are from the boards.  I've often tried to talk Angel into packing up and moving to MN, but she's not biting. 

[souldoubt]

Quite a few posters on here have made real life connections.  I haven't but that has more to do with my personality and the fact I'm not on social media.  I don't think "enough" of them or even close to the majority are aholes passing the time.  I think just like life you get out what you put in here.  

[Deleted]

"This thread has me reading through past emails & I'm becoming more convinced the whole thing has been some scheme that he thinks will get us back together"

Stop right there. Do not let him disrupt your life. Life with one childisashard as it is when you are a single mom, i cant even imagine with 3. He has no right to call you 2-3 times a day just because that is hismood these days.

Someone asked if you (not specifically i assume) schedule to call yourmother 3 days in advance. That is so notcomparable. I can only assume the person that posted that has no kids or kids long gone to remember. I pick up my son at 5ish and we get home about 5:15-5:30. Daycare/work/home are all within 1 mile and this is only 1 child. From the minute i pick him up until sleep time, which is usually later than it should be (9-9:30), i am constantly busy with him or things for him. Angel has 3 kids! Between picking them up (from 2 different locations i assume), getting home (probably not as short commute as me), activities, homework, etc, i can guarantee there is no convenient time. So unless scheduled, it would be a hit and miss.

[ArchietheDragon]

Oct 1, 2015 14:52:48 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Oct 1, 2015 13:53:32 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I know a lot of you have been there, plus you know a decent amount of the history. That is why I ask. Plus, YM is not known to coddle people when they are being dumbasses. So unlike people IRL, you guys will be honest, not just tell me what you think I want to hear. I count on you all to tell me what you really think I should do. I may not follow everything recommended, but at least I can get a mostly unbiased honest answer, which I need sometimes. I have to much self-doubt & second guess everything.

And he was my forever guy, but that is long gone. I have no love for him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cry if I found out he was dead. But, the forever guy thing does explain some of my stupidity over the years & why I didn't leave way earlier. Even I look back & wonder why the hell I was so stupid.

This is all well put.

quoted post has been removed.  -Blonde Granny- Admin YM & YMOT

Hey!!!   I have NOT been posting on this thread. 

[Deleted]

Oct 1, 2015 13:14:11 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Oct 1, 2015 12:45:43 GMT -5 @bunnysmom said:

This is a topic that hits close to home with me. I have similar fears as you do Angel regarding my ex wanting more. Luckily he has completely left us alone. He had asked for terminationof his parental rights in court and i fully agreed, unfortunately the judge didnt. My ex didnt have the issues your ex does but i also got the feeling that none of what he does/did wrong mattered, whereas i felt like i would lose my son if i didnt agree to everything. Courts are supposed to have the kids' best interest but in my opinion they rarely do! A judge is not going to know better than a mother what is best for her kids. In your case, i truly believe you are acting in the best interest of your kidsbut having to give in because of your fears of shared custody. My lawyer had given me one great advice that made me feel great, i dont have to answer or returnevery phone call, i dont have to agree to every visitation request. Your email was spot on when you saidit is not in the best interest of the kids. I really hope your ex just disappears out of your life. Maybeif you stop agreeing to visitation he will give up? Especially since he probably is using the kids as an excuse to see you. I wouldnt wish an absent parent on any kid but sometimes it is in the kids' best interest.

I wondered how you were doing, since I had not seen you post much. Good to see you on the boards.

Thanks We are doing great. I've been reading on/off but my phone logged me out and i was too lazy to log back in until i really wanted to comment on this thread.