whoami
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Post by whoami on Oct 1, 2015 10:40:30 GMT -5
Angel! - I recently saw a family law attorney because I'm in the midst of filing for divorce. We don't have any of the issues you have as he's actually a decent guy and a pretty good dad. One of the things we discussed was scheduling phone calls and visits when he's abroad for extended periods of time and I have full custody. She said it was not at all unreasonable for me to request 15 days notice for a visit if he's returning to the states and at least 72 hours notice to schedule a phone call. And, that I don't have to agree to daily or even several times a week calls if it's to cumbersome for me and the kids. So that said, I think it's more than acceptable for you to limit times that your ex can call the kids to what's convenient. I wouldn't even allow every day between 6-7 because that let's him interrupt your evening every day if he wants. I'd give him 1 or 2 days a week and maybe 1 time on the weekend to call. And then, as others have suggested go ahead and reach out to a lawyer to get clarification on exactly what your options are for the future. We're always here for moral support but getting legal advice and possibly talking through some of the issues with a counselor might help you cope with his manipulation tactics easier. That is a horrible way to treat a decent guy and a pretty good dad. I hope you fired that attorney, what an asshole. I actually agree with this. People actually schedule phone calls these days for a non PITA ex? How do you do that, with an email? Do those have to be scheduled too? FWIW....I had a PITA ex and was divorced when my kids were 4 and 6. I did the disney dad, didnt pay CS on time, interferring new wiveS, dance until the youngest was 18.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 1, 2015 10:42:26 GMT -5
Angel! - I recently saw a family law attorney because I'm in the midst of filing for divorce. We don't have any of the issues you have as he's actually a decent guy and a pretty good dad. One of the things we discussed was scheduling phone calls and visits when he's abroad for extended periods of time and I have full custody. She said it was not at all unreasonable for me to request 15 days notice for a visit if he's returning to the states and at least 72 hours notice to schedule a phone call. And, that I don't have to agree to daily or even several times a week calls if it's to cumbersome for me and the kids. So that said, I think it's more than acceptable for you to limit times that your ex can call the kids to what's convenient. I wouldn't even allow every day between 6-7 because that let's him interrupt your evening every day if he wants. I'd give him 1 or 2 days a week and maybe 1 time on the weekend to call. And then, as others have suggested go ahead and reach out to a lawyer to get clarification on exactly what your options are for the future. We're always here for moral support but getting legal advice and possibly talking through some of the issues with a counselor might help you cope with his manipulation tactics easier. That sounds utterly ridiculous. I hope your child's father does not agree to anything like that, it would be severely limiting and damaging to his relationship with his children. I just cannot even fathom anyone thinking this is a good idea for the kids. How on earth is letting a good dad talk to his kids more than a couple times a week or without 3 days notice "too cumbersome" for anyone?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 10:42:38 GMT -5
Angel! - I recently saw a family law attorney because I'm in the midst of filing for divorce. We don't have any of the issues you have as he's actually a decent guy and a pretty good dad. One of the things we discussed was scheduling phone calls and visits when he's abroad for extended periods of time and I have full custody. She said it was not at all unreasonable for me to request 15 days notice for a visit if he's returning to the states and at least 72 hours notice to schedule a phone call. And, that I don't have to agree to daily or even several times a week calls if it's to cumbersome for me and the kids. So that said, I think it's more than acceptable for you to limit times that your ex can call the kids to what's convenient. I wouldn't even allow every day between 6-7 because that let's him interrupt your evening every day if he wants. I'd give him 1 or 2 days a week and maybe 1 time on the weekend to call. And then, as others have suggested go ahead and reach out to a lawyer to get clarification on exactly what your options are for the future. We're always here for moral support but getting legal advice and possibly talking through some of the issues with a counselor might help you cope with his manipulation tactics easier. That is a horrible way to treat a decent guy and a pretty good dad. I hope you fired that attorney, what an asshole. eta: That is a real shit thing to do or want. What if the dad has something good happen and wants to share with his kid? He has to make an appointment to call? Your attorney is an asshole to suggest any such thing. Why would you pass on such an anti- child anti - parent advice? A good guy and a good dad, and you want to make it harder for him to parent and you want to make more distance between him and his kids. Is that the way you would want to be treated? Is that the way you would have wanted to be treated as a child? It's only a problem, if it's a problem. I don't have any kind of rules in place with my older son's Dad. Younger son's Dad we do have a pretty rigid schedule.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 1, 2015 10:43:56 GMT -5
As for what I think Angel should do about her ex?
Woodchipper.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Oct 1, 2015 10:45:21 GMT -5
parents should be around their kids. If he wants to be around his and is trying then he should be allowed. You had kids with him. People have to pay the price for choices they make. If he is dangerous or something, then that changes things. But if he is meeting up at Chuckie Cheese and calling then I think you owe it to your kids to let them be together. My opinion for what it is worth. Good luck. Not interfering and needing to facilitate are two different things. It's not Angel's job to make sure the kids are available on demand. If he wants to be more involved, he needs to go through the proper channels and make himself available. Even if the courts revoke his rights, he can write, he can acknowledge their birthdays, he can just be interested in getting to know them even if he doesn't get another face to face until they are 18. My father has struggled with some form of addiction throughout my life. He didn't see or communicate with me and my sisters at all for a good ten years, and then only when my grandparents arranged things. He allegedly tried to see us more but my grandmother wouldn't allow it. Ok, fine, but if he really wanted to be more involved, he could have tried harder, and not just by going through my grandmother. I've reached out to him about a dozen times in my adult life with about a 20% success rate. He himself has never reached out on his own. He was a no show at my wedding and hasn't even replied to the email I sent informing him I am expecting. The lack of interest in my adult life stings, but it reaffirms for me that my grandma, whatever her motives, did the right thing by limiting contact. As a kid it was easier for me to pretend that one parent loved me too much to share, than it was to appreciate that the other was just fully incapable of being a parent. Where there's a will there's a way. If he's sincere he will find a way, with or without assistance.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 1, 2015 10:50:02 GMT -5
You would fire an attorney based on advice you do not have to take? Phone calls might be not that reasonable depending on the time difference between the countries. Maybe it has nothing to do with Dad, but what might work in the kid's daily lives? Damn right I would fire an attorney who was telling me it was okay to fuck over my kids if I wanted to fuck over my ex. And that is what he is saying. The lawyer gave parameters for when the XH was abroad. If the time difference is problematic, maybe the only reasonable time might be on the weekends for both parties. The lawyer is not saying this is how you should do it, but some limits of what she could choose.
But if you would think its better to wake the kid up at 2 or 3AM during the week for phone call, we probably have different priorities.
ETA: My understanding is those were outer limits told to the poster for when XH was out of the country. Not when he was in the US.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Oct 1, 2015 10:54:27 GMT -5
May I ask you, hickle, if you feel that knowing your dad was worth the life-long impact he had on your life? If you say "yes", I completely understand as nobody can say but you. If you had the choice and could have a redo, would you have it the same way? Or would you have had him out of your life and been minus the suffering he caused you? Cause those things don't ever go away and you know that.
If it's too personal, just say so. I don't mean to pry. I really am wondering because I had an awesome dad and that can make a person sort of ignorant about those who did not have as easy a time as I did. If I had the choice he would not have been part of my life. I will get flack for saying this considering some of the terrible things he did, but I think he was a good man who loved his children who had mental problems, sex abuse problems from his youth and alcoholism. I had a mother who loved me very much but depended on religion probably a bit too much and did not see what she could have if she had looked. I do not think Angel is saying her ex does that though. There is a difference in my view between a bad parent who is basically just selfish and a parent who does terrible things. If you takeout the abuse and just leave the drunkeness I would want to have known my dad, with the abuse, I would rather have never known him. I do not think any one should do what I say, but should do what they think best. I just post my views and experiences more for my sake and just to say them. Thanks for answering. I wish that you could have a redo. Peace to you, my friend.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 1, 2015 10:56:23 GMT -5
Damn right I would fire an attorney who was telling me it was okay to fuck over my kids if I wanted to fuck over my ex. And that is what he is saying. The lawyer gave parameters for when the XH was abroad. If the time difference is problematic, maybe the only reasonable time might be on the weekends for both parties. The lawyer is not saying this is how you should do it, but some limits of what she could choose.
But if you would think its better to wake the kid up at 2 or 3AM during the week for phone call, we probably have different priorities.
Nonsense. It does not require 3 days notice to figure out a decent time to call. Just because someone doesn't ask 3 days in advance does not mean they are an idiot who will call young children at 3am. If he travels abroad routinely for business, he understands how time zones work. Acting like it is giant inconvenience to make a few minutes for a decent father to communicate with his children is not a good message for the kids.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Oct 1, 2015 11:07:51 GMT -5
As for what I think Angel should do about her ex?
Woodchipper. I'm inclined to agree on this. Angel, I don't have kids, but I do recall your history, so I have to ask, from the point of view of someone who has worked in the system: Why the heck are you doing this to yourself?Your ex can only manipulate you if you let him. Get the no parenting clause clarified if it makes you feel more secure. To me, no parenting means just what it says. He has defied the courts, broken the law, has a warrant out for his arrest (you think it's OK if he gets picked up and hauled off in front of the kids?) and he knows he can pull your strings just by sending a text to you. Stop it. Just stop this and think about the long term damage to your kids. Stop being nice. Take mean girl lessons if you have to. You divorced this man for a reason. You are better than this. He's playing the guilt card when it's convenient for him to break out the "good daddy" persona and show the world that he can be a decent dude. Fact is, no one should give a holy crap any more, because he cannot back it up. He cannot stay clean and sober, will not answer for his past mistakes and does not want to be a long term husband, father and provider. Ask yourself this: how much more time and energy do you want to spend on this worthless POS? You do understand that someday, your life on this earth will be over, and your kids will have only what they remember of you. How do you want to be remembered? As the person who jumps in panic at every text and bends over backward and sideways and every which way to make things better for the bastard who hurt you and the kids? Or as the strong woman who says NO, means NO and puts herself and her children not only above, but beyond the reach of the sorry scumbag who cares nothing about them?
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Oct 1, 2015 11:09:46 GMT -5
The lawyer gave parameters for when the XH was abroad. If the time difference is problematic, maybe the only reasonable time might be on the weekends for both parties. The lawyer is not saying this is how you should do it, but some limits of what she could choose.
But if you would think its better to wake the kid up at 2 or 3AM during the week for phone call, we probably have different priorities.
Nonsense. It does not require 3 days notice to figure out a decent time to call. Just because someone doesn't ask 3 days in advance does not mean they are an idiot who will call young children at 3am. If he travels abroad routinely for business, he understands how time zones work. Acting like it is giant inconvenience to make a few minutes for a decent father to communicate with his children is not a good message for the kids. I think it's fair if you expect an answer and won't be available yourself outside a very limited time frame. Cell phones have created this expectation that people be available on demand but that still isn't reality because its not always a good time to talk.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Oct 1, 2015 11:25:51 GMT -5
If it's not a convenient time, don't answer. It's one thing to set up a good time for a nightly (or however often call) for the convenience of both parties. It's another to require 72 hours advance notice before he calls his kid. If he's a good dad, he should be able to keep being a good dad.
Obviously not the same as Angel's situation.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 11:30:50 GMT -5
Maybe I'm asking a stupid question. As I'm thinking about the situation and responding to questions I'm wondering why this is hard for me. A combination of fear and guilt I think. I am afraid of him and I hate, hate, hate that he moved back. But, I feel guilty about cutting him out of the kids lives if he is making an honest effort and because they don't understand any of it. And I'm afraid 4 years down the line some judge will tear me apart for not allowing visits for years and give him joint custody. But if you take all those emotions out of it, I truly believe the kids are better off without him having a major role in their lives. And I think setting a precedent for regular visitation is also a bad idea because that could also set him up for joint custody. You're not asking a stupid question. But you are asking the same question over and over again in multiple threads over the past few years.
So if you really need an "answer", the answer that the general board is giving you isn't helping and it's time to get some professional advice. Call that lawyer and get her opinion. Or if it's moral support, that's OK, but it would be great if you also had some of that in your real life. Any way to build a little more of a support network in person?
There isn't really anyone in real life that I feel like I can really ask how to handle the situation. There are a few I talk to now & again, but not really any that I feel like offer unbiased advice or have ever been through anything even remotely similar.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 11:31:46 GMT -5
If it's votes your looking for, I'll cast mine with the, this has nothing to do with the kids it's abouts manipulating you, bad parents can be worse than no parents and IF he wanted to prove himself through therapy, treatment, accepting responsibility for his own past behaviors and the courts.. He can. His not doing so is NOT your responsibility. Did you see a counselor when this all went down? I've seen two different counselors over the past ~5 years.
ETA - make that 4, there was two very short attempts at marriage counseling. Those failed miserably for obvious reasons.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Oct 1, 2015 11:36:48 GMT -5
You're not asking a stupid question. But you are asking the same question over and over again in multiple threads over the past few years.
So if you really need an "answer", the answer that the general board is giving you isn't helping and it's time to get some professional advice. Call that lawyer and get her opinion. Or if it's moral support, that's OK, but it would be great if you also had some of that in your real life. Any way to build a little more of a support network in person?
There isn't really anyone in real life that I feel like I can really ask how to handle the situation. There are a few I talk to now & again, but not really any that I feel like offer unbiased advice or have ever been through anything even remotely similar. I think you keep asking versions of the same question because it's a tough situation and a hard decision for a parent to make, so you want moral support and backup. And that's not the worst thing in the world.
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sbcalimom
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Post by sbcalimom on Oct 1, 2015 11:39:26 GMT -5
eta: That is a real shit thing to do or want. What if the dad has something good happen and wants to share with his kid? He has to make an appointment to call? Your attorney is an asshole to suggest any such thing. Why would you pass on such an anti- child anti - parent advice? A good guy and a good dad, and you want to make it harder for him to parent and you want to make more distance between him and his kids. Is that the way you would want to be treated? Is that the way you would have wanted to be treated as a child? The attorney was giving me options of how to handle it and that was only one of many discussed. In my case, such extremes are not warranted at all because he is a decent guy and good dad. I won't be requiring an appointment for calls beyond common courtesy - ie you can't expect them to be available to chat every single time you call but we'll call back as soon as possible if need be. And for visits when he's abroad, as long as he can give me some notice I'm ok with him seeing or taking the kids when he's home. I don't expect a certain time frame but I also don't want to be stuck having to agree to a visit if he shows up on my door step with zero notice. I only listed the one that seemed the most relevant here to highlight that she has a lot more leeway than she likely feels she does.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 1, 2015 11:46:10 GMT -5
OK, you all are correct. There absolutely no countries that are 12 to 16 hours ahead of the US which might make scheduling a problem.
And likely I am interpreting it very differently from most posting. That when he goes for an extended stay in another country, its OK to take more than one day instead of instantly to set up a call schedule. Not that the three day window exists for every single out of country call.
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sbcalimom
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Post by sbcalimom on Oct 1, 2015 11:50:13 GMT -5
That sounds utterly ridiculous. I hope your child's father does not agree to anything like that, it would be severely limiting and damaging to his relationship with his children. I just cannot even fathom anyone thinking this is a good idea for the kids. How on earth is letting a good dad talk to his kids more than a couple times a week or without 3 days notice "too cumbersome" for anyone? I wasn't referring to my situation there. I would never even consider such a scenario with my ex because it just isn't necessary. Perhaps I should have been more clear in my post but I was purely listing one of the options the attorney gave me. She also suggested that I could allow for him to call at any time or on set days, or whatever made the most sense for both him and us. However, my kids' dad isn't a manipulative asshat with the kind of history angel has had to deal with so it's an entirely different situation. I can only imagine how disruptive it would be when it is so stressful to wonder if he's going to call every single night. In that case, limiting the days he could call makes a lot more sense.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 12:02:38 GMT -5
See, this is why I doubt myself. Not because of you specifically, but I don't disagree with what you said. And he is trying, although I don't believe he is trying for the kid's sake. So part of me feels guilty for kicking him down when he is making an effort. But, then it would be the kids paying the price for my choices, not just me. I am 99% certain he will disappear on them again like he has done so many times before. He ran to Texas to avoid a dui charge. He stopped speaking to them for 3 months because he was mad at me. And he isn't getting treatment for the alcoholism or mental health issues. There is no reason to believe this time is any different than the other time he got his life semi put together for a short time. It always eventually crashes down and the kids will pay the price. I could be mixing up posters, but didn't this guy put your kids' lives at risk by physically attacking you while you were driving them in a car? Did he terrorize them with outbursts of rage while breaking a bunch of stuff in the house? If he hasn't gotten any treatment, what would prevent the normal escalation of this behavior? This generally doesn't get milder or even stay the same without treatment, it typically escalates. Basically yes, that was all him. And you would be surprised how little the courts cared about all that. Over the past 5 years I tried on 3 occasions to get a restraining order, all 3 requests were rejected. Because I left & took the kids with me when he started breaking stuff, there was no charges from the police. He is allowed to break our stuff as long as I'm not present when he does so...there is no law against breaking your own stuff. When he didn't want to me to come home once & I was scared to go into the house, the police helped me get my stuff. What they couldn't do is make him leave, because it was his house too & he doesn't want to leave & had broken no laws. But they basically told me I better leave because he was extremely angry & aggressive & they didn't doubt they would be back if I chose to stay in the house that night. I tried to get a restraining order then, but since he was planning to move out, the judge didn't see the need. Told me to come back if he didn't actually move out.
When he went through an extremely suicidal period I twice had him picked up & taken to the hospital, both times he was let out when he sobered up instead of held for any sort of watch. Apparently threatening suicide doesn't count if you were drunk when you did it. When he was hospitalized as a john doe after ODing I begged them to hold him & get him mental help. They gave him a list of references to call for help when they sent him out the door 8 hours later.
The most help I got was when I tried again to get a restraining order after he faked suicide while on the phone with me...I told the judge that he was mentally unstable & suicidal & I don't want him to have access to the kids. No restraining order, but the judge did tell me to apply for emergency custody order. But I am still convinced the only reason I got full custody is because he didn't bother to fight it.
It scares me though because every step of the way, if I've taken steps to protect myself & the kids, then the courts & police see no need to interfere. Since I didn't stay & watch him break half the stuff in the house, he did nothing wrong. Since I stayed at a hotel with the kids to avoid a possible confrontation, he did nothing wrong. He has never actually been diagnosed as bi-polar although I can pretty much guarantee he is. But, right now he is in an up period, he is manic & trying to fix his life & play super dad. I'm scared that the courts won't see all this & won't care about all this. They certainly didn't when I tried for a restraining order. They will see no laws have been broken & no incidents have been reported for years. They will see him during a manic phase when he will have a job, have a residence, & be able to talk about how great he is doing & how much he loves his kids. And I'm terrified they will question why I've kept this guy out of his kids lives for so long & grant joint custody.
Maybe I'm way off base because I've never had to actually do the custody battle thing. But I don't want to set up a situation where I get screwed because of choices I am making now when it comes to future custody. And I feel like the further we go into the future, the lower the bar will be set for him to prove he is all better because the incidents I list will be further & further in the past with no new incidents showing he still has a problem.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Oct 1, 2015 12:03:25 GMT -5
That is a horrible way to treat a decent guy and a pretty good dad. I hope you fired that attorney, what an asshole. I actually agree with this. People actually schedule phone calls these days for a non PITA ex? How do you do that, with an email? Do those have to be scheduled too? FWIW....I had a PITA ex and was divorced when my kids were 4 and 6. I did the disney dad, didnt pay CS on time, interferring new wiveS, dance until the youngest was 18. Well, I can see both the good and the bad in this, but with a Dad that is overseas, I would think social media, texting and e-mails would become very effective means of communication.
A text, to you our a teen child - can I call you tonight after 6, or this weekend? might work very well. I have family spread out all over the place and we keep in touch via facebook. I am starting to see younger children of family members have FB accounts too. (I know not generally recommended, but am assuming that family members are a "safer" way to introduce the younger ones to FB).
I do see a benefit to the extended family being "friends" with my young adult kids and me being "friends" with my young adult and teen nieces and nephews. We can keep an eye on what they are doing and gently push them to more responsible behavior.
Not for Angel, but in SBCAli's situation, allowing the Ex to be friends on social media might be beneficial. She can also be "friends" to monitor everything stays appropriate, or she could assign that to another family member say an Aunt or Uncle so she could stay out of it.
I see both good and bad in scheduling calls. I called my G-ma every Sunday night as a young adult. We both had that time set aside for the call. Personally I would ask for the scheduled calls, but I would be open to changing things up - ie. Calls consistently happen on Sunday eve, but a family party or vacation plans interrupting call, so we are rescheduling to Tuesday night- and I would encourage the use of social media - like posting picks of homecoming events your child participated in, or the class project son worked on etc. so the distant parent can stay involved.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 12:05:04 GMT -5
I'm sure you kids probably do want to see their dad. They'd probably want an elephant in the back yard, too, if you asked them. I loved this!! Thank you
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 1, 2015 12:07:53 GMT -5
Sbcalimom's kids are under the age of 5, if I recall correctly.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 1, 2015 12:12:17 GMT -5
I do not think Angel is saying her ex does that though. There is a difference in my view between a bad parent who is basically just selfish and a parent who does terrible things.
Angel has been on the boards for a LONG time. Her ex has a long history of physically abusing her and trouble with the law. He also has severe mental issues and substance abuse issues.
He also has a history of emotional abuse/manipulation. He threatens to kill himself when he doesn't get his way and has also made references to stalking her and the children.
She just doesn't rehash all of that in every thread she starts.
Ok, I'm trying to catch up. This made me lol because I did just do a post rehashing a lot of various things without realizing the past would become a topic of conversation.
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sbcalimom
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Post by sbcalimom on Oct 1, 2015 12:19:27 GMT -5
Sbcalimom's kids are under the age of 5, if I recall correctly. Yep 4 and 6. And, given how amicable things are now I don't imagine we'll have difficulties figuring out calls when we live further apart. We try to communicate via chat and text now even though we live minutes apart but only because it's easier to stay unemotional and calm. We're working very hard to keep things as friendly and civil as possible for our sakes and our kids' sake. However, I wouldn't hesitate to start putting rules and parameters in place in a hot second if he went off the deep end. I have every right to protect myself and my kids from a crazy, manipulative jerk who is only intent on making me miserable. And given everything angel has gone through, if she wants to cut off all contact or restrict it extremely (temporarily or permanently) she should not feel one iota of guilt about it.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 1, 2015 12:34:22 GMT -5
I could be mixing up posters, but didn't this guy put your kids' lives at risk by physically attacking you while you were driving them in a car? Did he terrorize them with outbursts of rage while breaking a bunch of stuff in the house? If he hasn't gotten any treatment, what would prevent the normal escalation of this behavior? This generally doesn't get milder or even stay the same without treatment, it typically escalates. Basically yes, that was all him. And you would be surprised how little the courts cared about all that. Over the past 5 years I tried on 3 occasions to get a restraining order, all 3 requests were rejected. Because I left & took the kids with me when he started breaking stuff, there was no charges from the police. He is allowed to break our stuff as long as I'm not present when he does so...there is no law against breaking your own stuff. When he didn't want to me to come home once & I was scared to go into the house, the police helped me get my stuff. What they couldn't do is make him leave, because it was his house too & he doesn't want to leave & had broken no laws. But they basically told me I better leave because he was extremely angry & aggressive & they didn't doubt they would be back if I chose to stay in the house that night. I tried to get a restraining order then, but since he was planning to move out, the judge didn't see the need. Told me to come back if he didn't actually move out.
When he went through an extremely suicidal period I twice had him picked up & taken to the hospital, both times he was let out when he sobered up instead of held for any sort of watch. Apparently threatening suicide doesn't count if you were drunk when you did it. When he was hospitalized as a john doe after ODing I begged them to hold him & get him mental help. They gave him a list of references to call for help when they sent him out the door 8 hours later.
The most help I got was when I tried again to get a restraining order after he faked suicide while on the phone with me...I told the judge that he was mentally unstable & suicidal & I don't want him to have access to the kids. No restraining order, but the judge did tell me to apply for emergency custody order. But I am still convinced the only reason I got full custody is because he didn't bother to fight it.
It scares me though because every step of the way, if I've taken steps to protect myself & the kids, then the courts & police see no need to interfere. Since I didn't stay & watch him break half the stuff in the house, he did nothing wrong. Since I stayed at a hotel with the kids to avoid a possible confrontation, he did nothing wrong. He has never actually been diagnosed as bi-polar although I can pretty much guarantee he is. But, right now he is in an up period, he is manic & trying to fix his life & play super dad. I'm scared that the courts won't see all this & won't care about all this. They certainly didn't when I tried for a restraining order. They will see no laws have been broken & no incidents have been reported for years. They will see him during a manic phase when he will have a job, have a residence, & be able to talk about how great he is doing & how much he loves his kids. And I'm terrified they will question why I've kept this guy out of his kids lives for so long & grant joint custody.
Maybe I'm way off base because I've never had to actually do the custody battle thing. But I don't want to set up a situation where I get screwed because of choices I am making now when it comes to future custody. And I feel like the further we go into the future, the lower the bar will be set for him to prove he is all better because the incidents I list will be further & further in the past with no new incidents showing he still has a problem.
You have articulated very well why he should have no or limited contact with the kids. There are also records of his arrests and his hospitalizations. I really don't think you have anything to worry about should he actually get out of his own way and file for visitation. Which he won't, because he will get arrested.
He has spent far too long manipulating you for you to see how he looks like to the rest of us.
And yes, you did the right thing, and the cops/courts are limited on what they can do. No actual crime was committed, but it's better that you leave and not get the order then to set yourself up to get hurt so the order could be issued.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 1, 2015 12:41:24 GMT -5
Angel! - I recently saw a family law attorney because I'm in the midst of filing for divorce. We don't have any of the issues you have as he's actually a decent guy and a pretty good dad. One of the things we discussed was scheduling phone calls and visits when he's abroad for extended periods of time and I have full custody. She said it was not at all unreasonable for me to request 15 days notice for a visit if he's returning to the states and at least 72 hours notice to schedule a phone call. And, that I don't have to agree to daily or even several times a week calls if it's to cumbersome for me and the kids. So that said, I think it's more than acceptable for you to limit times that your ex can call the kids to what's convenient. I wouldn't even allow every day between 6-7 because that let's him interrupt your evening every day if he wants. I'd give him 1 or 2 days a week and maybe 1 time on the weekend to call. And then, as others have suggested go ahead and reach out to a lawyer to get clarification on exactly what your options are for the future. We're always here for moral support but getting legal advice and possibly talking through some of the issues with a counselor might help you cope with his manipulation tactics easier. That is a horrible way to treat a decent guy and a pretty good dad. I hope you fired that attorney, what an asshole. eta: That is a real shit thing to do or want. What if the dad has something good happen and wants to share with his kid? He has to make an appointment to call? Your attorney is an asshole to suggest any such thing. Why would you pass on such an anti- child anti - parent advice? A good guy and a good dad, and you want to make it harder for him to parent and you want to make more distance between him and his kids. Is that the way you would want to be treated? Is that the way you would have wanted to be treated as a child? Unless you are walking in this particular poster's shoes, your opinion about what she does is none of your concern.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Oct 1, 2015 12:41:40 GMT -5
You are not off base. You are "screwed" only in the sense that you have done the right thing and gotten the hell outta Dodge when things got bad, so you weren't a target of whatever he was throwing. You know the history; the courts do not. That there was no reporting to the police cannot be changed at this point. You cannot go back and undo the past. You have the current agreement that says no parenting. His hands are tied, because if he shows up in court, his sorry ass will be hauled to jail on a warrant, and he knows it. He can pretend to be the Ozzie and Harriet dad until his liar's card expires, which in his case, will never happen. At some point, and this is the worst part, he will go back to being that slimy, cave-dwelling monster you know well. The one who wheedles, whines, curses and cries that you don't love him, you turn the kids against him, that no one cares. The one who has been given many chances to turn things around and man up to life, only to crawl back to the bottle, the needle, the baggie or whatever he's using that's reducing his brain to oatmeal. Enforce the agreement you have. Build the wall between you and the kids and him, brick by powerful brick. You only have to say no one time at a time. You only have to refuse to answer one text at a time. And get help for yourself. You're not stupid, or wrong, or sorry or helpless. You do sound like you have a possible case of PTSD, which the fourth link of these articles discusses. It's not much different from a solider who comes out of a battle scenario. leavingabuse.com/help-for-abused-and-battered-women/womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/resources-by-state-violence-against-women.htmlwww.strengthenoursisters.org/support_group.htmlwww.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2825898/
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Deleted
Joined: Sept 29, 2024 8:28:53 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 12:45:43 GMT -5
This is a topic that hits close to home with me. I have similar fears as you do Angel regarding my ex wanting more. Luckily he has completely left us alone. He had asked for terminationof his parental rights in court and i fully agreed, unfortunately the judge didnt. My ex didnt have the issues your ex does but i also got the feeling that none of what he does/did wrong mattered, whereas i felt like i would lose my son if i didnt agree to everything. Courts are supposed to have the kids' best interest but in my opinion they rarely do! A judge is not going to know better than a mother what is best for her kids. In your case, i truly believe you are acting in the best interest of your kidsbut having to give in because of your fears of shared custody. My lawyer had given me one great advice that made me feel great, i dont have to answer or returnevery phone call, i dont have to agree to every visitation request. Your email was spot on when you saidit is not in the best interest of the kids. I really hope your ex just disappears out of your life. Maybeif you stop agreeing to visitation he will give up? Especially since he probably is using the kids as an excuse to see you. I wouldnt wish an absent parent on any kid but sometimes it is in the kids' best interest.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Oct 1, 2015 12:57:22 GMT -5
I would document how often he contacts you so you can show the periods where he was no where to be seen. I think that even given that (without the rest of the history), a judge wouldn't grand joint custody to someone who has a history of dropping off the map for months at a time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 13:03:18 GMT -5
Has he been showing up at the house?
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Oct 1, 2015 13:11:12 GMT -5
Angel! - I recently saw a family law attorney because I'm in the midst of filing for divorce. We don't have any of the issues you have as he's actually a decent guy and a pretty good dad. One of the things we discussed was scheduling phone calls and visits when he's abroad for extended periods of time and I have full custody. She said it was not at all unreasonable for me to request 15 days notice for a visit if he's returning to the states and at least 72 hours notice to schedule a phone call. And, that I don't have to agree to daily or even several times a week calls if it's to cumbersome for me and the kids. So that said, I think it's more than acceptable for you to limit times that your ex can call the kids to what's convenient. I wouldn't even allow every day between 6-7 because that let's him interrupt your evening every day if he wants. I'd give him 1 or 2 days a week and maybe 1 time on the weekend to call. And then, as others have suggested go ahead and reach out to a lawyer to get clarification on exactly what your options are for the future. We're always here for moral support but getting legal advice and possibly talking through some of the issues with a counselor might help you cope with his manipulation tactics easier. That is a horrible way to treat a decent guy and a pretty good dad. I hope you fired that attorney, what an asshole. eta: That is a real shit thing to do or want. What if the dad has something good happen and wants to share with his kid? He has to make an appointment to call? Your attorney is an asshole to suggest any such thing. Why would you pass on such an anti- child anti - parent advice? A good guy and a good dad, and you want to make it harder for him to parent and you want to make more distance between him and his kids. Is that the way you would want to be treated? Is that the way you would have wanted to be treated as a child? I agree with this 100%. Baby Daddy isn't involved by choice. His choice for treating the girls the way he has and the girls choice by being done getting burned. If he were a good guy and a good dad, I would bend over backwards to make sure he had as much access to them as possible. While I agree that parenting is easier since I don't have to share, I would rather share them with a loving father that took care of them. Just because our relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean that their's shouldn't.
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