Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 17:15:53 GMT -5
So my parenting time agreement says my ex has "no parenting time" only I don't really fully know what that means. I kind of figured he still is allowed reasonable contact at my discretion, so I have never limited phone access. Long ago the kids stopped trying to call him because he literally will never answer if he didn't initiate contact. But if he calls, I put it on speaker & hand the phone to the kids. He will go through periods where he calls a few times a week & then he will go through periods where he won't call for months.
Back in July he wanted to visit for DS1's bday. I said sure, if you can make it out here we will meet somewhere. I honestly didn't think he would pull it off & only said ok because I didn't think it would ever happen. I was very clear that I will not provide rides, a place to stay, food, or money. He did come. I brought my mom & we met at Chuckie Cheese. He arrived 15 minutes late & stayed for a whopping 30 minutes.
A week later he tells me he decided to stay in town, he has a job, & wants to be in the kid's lives again. Words cannot express how much that pissed me off. He wanted to see the kids again. I was willing to oblige, but he picked a date that I was busy & refused any other alternative dates, so that didn't happen. He acted an ass about the whole thing saying how unfair it was that he couldn't see them & sent me ridiculously manipulative emails that I just ignored. Then he wanted to see the kids for DD's Bday which was earlier this month. We did the Chuckie Cheese thing again with my Mom. I wasn't happy about the whole thing, but figured DD would be upset if he was there for DS1's Bday & not her, so I really allowed it just for her sake.
Sorry, that was kind of a long back story to get to where we are now. He has suddenly started calling twice per day for the last 2 weeks, which just seems like too much, especially on school days. He is calling when we are rushing to get ready in the morning, he is calling when we eat dinner, last night he called after everyone was in bed (I didn't answer). Now he sent an email about seeing the kids again soon & can we do it in a park this time. I want to reply "Hell No!" and tell him the birthdays were special events & we are not doing regular visitation & tell him to limit his phone calls to between 6-7 PM on weekdays & anytime on weekends. Is this reasonable?? I am trying to tread the line of having him out of my life as much as possible, but not doing anything that would bite me in the ass later. If I wasn't worried about possible repercussions from the courts, I would literally just cut off contact completely for me & the kids.
And in that email he also asked if I would ever talk to him again, which makes me wonder if that is really what this whole super-dad act is really about.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Sept 30, 2015 17:21:24 GMT -5
Angel!-if you don't mind me asking, and without getting into too much detail (none of my business), why did your marriage break up? It might have something to do with why he is trying to get so involved with everyone again.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 17:27:59 GMT -5
Lots of reasons, we were on & off for years, but the thing that sealed it was drugs. He starting using drugs to the point where he was incredibly unstable & scary to be around. But even if he is no longer using drugs he is still an active alcoholic that I'm fairly certain is bi-polar & he is incredibly manipulative.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Sept 30, 2015 17:35:25 GMT -5
I thought he had a warrant for his arrest outstanding if he was in your state or am I thinking of another poster?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 17:41:59 GMT -5
He does have a warrant. So I could have possibly had him picked up at the Chuckie Cheese meetups. I don't know if they would come just because he is there or if it is one of those where if they happen to run into him, then they will pick him up. I think that is why he arrived 15 minutes late & only stayed 30 minutes, he was worried I was setting him up. I have no idea where he lives, so I can't just turn him in.
The only problem with having him picked up on the warrant is that in 3 months he will be back out of jail & angry at me. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like a good way to go unless he is actually causing trouble. So far he has not visited my house or the kid's schools, so he is being mostly good. I just don't want him in our lives at all.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Sept 30, 2015 17:57:17 GMT -5
Angel-could his visitation rights be legally enhanced if he successfully completed alcohol rehab treatment along with documented proof he is taking his bi-polar medications and anger management counseling? That would be a lot on anyone's plate but if he wants to be trusted around the kids and you, he should have to prove himself.
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Sept 30, 2015 17:57:55 GMT -5
He does have a warrant. So I could have possibly had him picked up at the Chuckie Cheese meetups. I don't know if they would come just because he is there or if it is one of those where if they happen to run into him, then they will pick him up. I think that is why he arrived 15 minutes late & only stayed 30 minutes, he was worried I was setting him up. I have no idea where he lives, so I can't just turn him in.
The only problem with having him picked up on the warrant is that in 3 months he will be back out of jail & angry at me. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like a good way to go unless he is actually causing trouble. So far he has not visited my house or the kid's schools, so he is being mostly good. I just don't want him in our lives at all. Make sure everyone at all the schools are clear about the situation with the kids' dad. Be very explicit about who is and is not allowed access to the kids. I'm sure you have something on file already, but it can't hurt to bring it up again, so it is fresh in their minds, and in case there are new staff.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2015 17:58:27 GMT -5
Are the schools aware the children are not to be released into his custody?
I agree on clarifying what the order/agreement says...
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Sept 30, 2015 17:59:46 GMT -5
And I would not be taking calls if you want him out of your life. What effect does his coming and going have on the kids?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 18:02:24 GMT -5
Maybe I'm asking a stupid question. As I'm thinking about the situation and responding to questions I'm wondering why this is hard for me. A combination of fear and guilt I think.
I am afraid of him and I hate, hate, hate that he moved back. But, I feel guilty about cutting him out of the kids lives if he is making an honest effort and because they don't understand any of it. And I'm afraid 4 years down the line some judge will tear me apart for not allowing visits for years and give him joint custody.
But if you take all those emotions out of it, I truly believe the kids are better off without him having a major role in their lives. And I think setting a precedent for regular visitation is also a bad idea because that could also set him up for joint custody.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Sept 30, 2015 18:05:34 GMT -5
Then rely on the plain language of no parenting time which loosely translated might me he gets NO time to be a parent! If I remember your kids are little. If you feel the need see someone who practices family law to see what you may be setting in motion if you permit access to the kids or if you don't.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 18:06:27 GMT -5
He does have a warrant. So I could have possibly had him picked up at the Chuckie Cheese meetups. I don't know if they would come just because he is there or if it is one of those where if they happen to run into him, then they will pick him up. I think that is why he arrived 15 minutes late & only stayed 30 minutes, he was worried I was setting him up. I have no idea where he lives, so I can't just turn him in.
The only problem with having him picked up on the warrant is that in 3 months he will be back out of jail & angry at me. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like a good way to go unless he is actually causing trouble. So far he has not visited my house or the kid's schools, so he is being mostly good. I just don't want him in our lives at all. Make sure everyone at all the schools are clear about the situation with the kids' dad. Be very explicit about who is and is not allowed access to the kids. I'm sure you have something on file already, but it can't hurt to bring it up again, so it is fresh in their minds, and in case there are new staff. Yes. When he was coming back to town I made sure everyone knew the situation and had paperwork on file. Then I alerted everyone when he decided to stay. In addition, I have had several conversations with the kids about who is allowed to pick them up. Although, they are 5 and 7 and don't understand the situation, so that may not help much.
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justme
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Post by justme on Sept 30, 2015 18:16:52 GMT -5
I'd spend the 100 to clarify with the lawyer that you can stop contact with him and if he says yes then get a new phone number.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 30, 2015 18:26:08 GMT -5
This guy knows where you live and where you work and certainly knows where the kids go to school. Your children arent babies and probably know something is up. I think it's time, maybe with a counselor, to tell them your concerns and what they need to protect themselves. I think also you need to see a lawyer and find out what you need to protect yourself and your children. I don't see a judge, but I could be wrong, saying you need to have joint custody with a criminal. He has no business being back in that state and that's the first thing I'd be handling. I know you're afraid. I was and still am a bit afraid of my ex. Drugs make these creeps invincible plus they know plenty of low life's to take you out. . I never stopped looking over my shoulder until I moved to the west coast for a few years. If I could have handled Oregon long term-I couldn't-and had I not realized my kids still really needed me, I'd have stayed there. First time I ever felt safe.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Sept 30, 2015 18:37:05 GMT -5
One of my close friends got pregnant while she was living in the US. The dad was a guy who didn't really have it together. He moved to her country and tried to be a husband and dad, but failed miserably. He eventually bailed and she literally had to clean up the mess he left behind. He also gave up a path to citizenship in a Nordic oil-rich country and a chance to be in his son's life. My friend wasn't even expecting him to stay in a relationship with her, she just wanted him to keep his promises to his kid. Anyway, something went terribly wrong with him and now he has lost his parental rights and will have to prove consistently for at least a year that he wants to be back in his son's life before he can see him. My friend is not at all vindictive, but she is happy with this decision because she remembers how hard it was to tell her son why Dad had to move out and then later have to make up stories to explain why Dad didn't show up to the scheduled visitation.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 30, 2015 18:37:39 GMT -5
My gut says we both know this has nothing to do with the kids.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 30, 2015 18:47:29 GMT -5
Are you wanting to get back with him? Because it seems that you're bending over backwards to be amenable for what reason? The kids? Not a good reason. My ex used our kids, too, and it royally F'd with them. But I let him because of every bad reason under the sun.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 30, 2015 18:54:22 GMT -5
If he really wanted to see the kids he would go back to court to get visitation. Oh, but that pesky warrant will interfere with that.
This isnt about the kids. The kids are a tool to get to you.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Sept 30, 2015 20:03:46 GMT -5
He does have a warrant. So I could have possibly had him picked up at the Chuckie Cheese meetups. I don't know if they would come just because he is there or if it is one of those where if they happen to run into him, then they will pick him up. I think that is why he arrived 15 minutes late & only stayed 30 minutes, he was worried I was setting him up. I have no idea where he lives, so I can't just turn him in.
The only problem with having him picked up on the warrant is that in 3 months he will be back out of jail & angry at me. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like a good way to go unless he is actually causing trouble. So far he has not visited my house or the kid's schools, so he is being mostly good. I just don't want him in our lives at all. Make sure everyone at all the schools are clear about the situation with the kids' dad. Be very explicit about who is and is not allowed access to the kids. I'm sure you have something on file already, but it can't hurt to bring it up again, so it is fresh in their minds, and in case there are new staff. This. Also supply them with a copy of the paperwork that states that he has no visitation. That way they have written reason to deny him access. If he acts crazy, tell them to call the police and then call you. The police would deny him any access to the kids and arrest him on his outstanding warrant if he were stupid enough to stick around for them to come. The court order is gospel and the police will follow it to the letter.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Sept 30, 2015 20:15:21 GMT -5
Are you wanting to get back with him? Because it seems that you're bending over backwards to be amenable for what reason? The kids? Not a good reason. My ex used our kids, too, and it royally F'd with them. But I let him because of every bad reason under the sun. This. I held out hope that some day baby daddy would get it together. Maybe when he turned 30 he would have an epiphany and act like a real dad. Maybe when he had another kid with someone else he would realize how to be a dad,etc. I dragged out cutting him out of our lives too long hoping that the next life change would make him realize that he was really a good dad inside. It never happened. The girls kept hope alive, only to be burned each time. Thing 1 walked away from him about 5 or 6 years ago I think. Thing 2 held on until about 3 years ago. Neither wants anything to do with him. They cut him off on their own. They even gave up a relationship with their little brother to stay away from him to protect themselves. I feel like a horrible mom sometimes for letting my babies hurt that long in hopes that it would get better.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 20:46:56 GMT -5
I'd spend the 100 to clarify with the lawyer that you can stop contact with him and if he says yes then get a new phone number. I got a reference for a lawyer that helped a woman at DS2's school. She got her ex's parental rights revoked without having someone else to adopt, which I think is almost never done. I figure he would be a great lawyer to talk to about this.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 21:00:00 GMT -5
Are you wanting to get back with him? Because it seems that you're bending over backwards to be amenable for what reason? The kids? Not a good reason. My ex used our kids, too, and it royally F'd with them. But I let him because of every bad reason under the sun. Hell no! I in no way want back together. I have basically cut off contact except when it comes to the kids. It is just a combination of the factors I mentioned before and the fact I am just way too nice of a person. Too nice probably isn't the right term....I'm really bad at saying no, being confrontational, or doing anything that I think will hurt someone's feelings.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 21:07:00 GMT -5
If he really wanted to see the kids he would go back to court to get visitation. Oh, but that pesky warrant will interfere with that. This isnt about the kids. The kids are a tool to get to you. Good point. Especially now that I've made it so the kids are the only way to get to me. I completely stopped responding to anything he says that does not involve the kids back in March.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Sept 30, 2015 21:06:54 GMT -5
Better to have his feelings hurt than to have the feelings of your 3 kids repeatedly hurt for years and years as he continues to pull the same crap.
I don't see where he cares about the kids at all. If he did, he would own up to his past behavior and be accommodating to your schedule and parameters. Instead, he's making everything about him and not respecting your boundaries. You say you've cut off contact except for the kids. So he's using the only avenue available to get to you. As soon as he discovers that won't work he'll be out of the kids' lives again.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2015 21:14:29 GMT -5
Are you wanting to get back with him? Because it seems that you're bending over backwards to be amenable for what reason? The kids? Not a good reason. My ex used our kids, too, and it royally F'd with them. But I let him because of every bad reason under the sun. Hell no! I in no way want back together. I have basically cut off contact except when it comes to the kids. It is just a combination of the factors I mentioned before and the fact I am just way too nice of a person. Too nice probably isn't the right term....I'm really bad at saying no, being confrontational, or doing anything that I think will hurt someone's feelings. As your kids only semi sane parent you don't have that luxury. Keep the bipolar, manipulative active alcoholic away from your kids. They are counting on you to protect them.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2015 21:29:16 GMT -5
Awwww, crap Angel. I'm so sorry he moved back. I'd for sure limit the phone calls to a day/time you specify and don't answer the phone if it's him otherwise. There's no way in hell you should take calls in the morning when you're getting ready. My morning is insane with the two kids and one of them is pretty self-sufficient. I can't imagine what your mornings are like.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 21:45:47 GMT -5
Ok, I've responded to his emailing requesting another visit:
It was much longer, but I cut it way down. No reason to rehash the past or spend a lot of time justifying my decision to him. I still may have said more than needed.
I ignored where he asked me if we could start talking again. I didn't address the phone calls yet. I figure I will see what the lawyer said regarding phone contact first and then address that.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2015 22:01:43 GMT -5
parents should be around their kids. If he wants to be around his and is trying then he should be allowed. You had kids with him. People have to pay the price for choices they make. If he is dangerous or something, then that changes things. But if he is meeting up at Chuckie Cheese and calling then I think you owe it to your kids to let them be together. My opinion for what it is worth. Good luck.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 30, 2015 22:02:57 GMT -5
Better to have his feelings hurt than to have the feelings of your 3 kids repeatedly hurt for years and years as he continues to pull the same crap. I don't see where he cares about the kids at all. If he did, he would own up to his past behavior and be accommodating to your schedule and parameters. Instead, he's making everything about him and not respecting your boundaries. You say you've cut off contact except for the kids. So he's using the only avenue available to get to you. As soon as he discovers that won't work he'll be out of the kids' lives again. You are spot on...I don't think he cares about the kids at all. It really hit me when he emailed about how unfair I was being. He went on and on about how he should be allowed to see the kids because he loves them and why am I trying to keep him from his kids. Then said HE would never keep me from the kids and what kind of horrible person wouldn't let a father see his children. Then said I'm obviously being manipulated by others into making these decisions. All that because when I agreed to a second visit, the date he picked didn't work for me. All I had said was "we're busy Friday, we can do Thursday, Saturday, or Sunday". But the going on about how unfair it was to him just so how selfish he is and how he doesn't care. A normal person could easily see how unfair the situation is to the kids. It isn't fair they have a crappy dad who can't be a stable, loving presence in their lives. So the second visit fell through and I only did the 2nd birthday because DD was already talking about him being there. So I thought him not being there would be worse than seeing him again. But now I want to be done. I think I just needed people to say no more visits is reasonable on my part because I am sure that isn't the response I will get from him. I needed moral support.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Sept 30, 2015 22:08:19 GMT -5
Angel - I have no advice, but I hope everything works out in the end for the kids' best interest.
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