An Early Morning Rant

[Deleted]

I am so irritated with DD right now. Well, it's been a buildup of irritations over the past few weeks, but here's the latest one.

Her grandfather has some rental properties around the city, one is a SFH in his neighborhood. It's been empty since his daughter (and her husband) moved out of it a year or so ago. When DD got her tax refund this year, she asked her grandfather if she could rent that house. He told her she'd have to give him $3k up front to cover a 6 month lease and they'd reassess then. She didn't have a job at the time. I thought the whole thing was a bad idea, because if you use all your money to pay the rent, how will you keep lights and stuff on? Or do anything else?

She finally decided not to do it. I think her grandfather has some serious reservations about it anyway. Then last night she got bent out of shape because a friend of hers needs a place to stay and DD's grandfather rented the house to her that DD wanted. She only has to pay 1st month's rent to move in and can sign a 1 year lease.

She is really upset. I tried to explain to her that she didn't have a job when she was asking him, that's why he wanted money up front. This girl has a job and a car to get there. DD isn't hearing that. In her mind, the house was sitting empty anyway, and his daughter didn't pay rent when she and her husband lived there, so he should have just let her move in. Well it's HIS house and that was HIS daughter. He doesn't owe MY daughter anything, even though he's always done things for her.

Anyway, what really pissed me off is she ended her rant with "Everybody in my family had help and nobody helps me". It set my soul on fire when she said that, because it's a lie. And even if nobody else ever helped her, I have and still do. Heck, in a couple hours I have to get her babies up and get them to daycare like I've been doing every day for the last few weeks because she has to be at work before the daycare opens. I guess that's not help either. So why am I doing it? It sure ain't because I want to run around with babies at 6am before I go to work or get up at 6am on my days off work to get babies to daycare.

I don't really have a question. Just venting, because she makes me so mad thinking people owe her something. People get tired of trying to help you when you just keep doing dumb shit. I'm her Momma and I'm tired of it, I can see how everybody else would be too.

[zibazinski]

I'm so sorry. It's tough when you hear the "poor me" shit and realize it's their fault they're in this situation to begin with. You wonder if they'll ever see it. You're nicer than me. I'd have said since no one helps you, figure out daycare tomorrow. You're probably not charging her rent either but supporting her and her kids. Ingratitude is the mark of something deeper that I can't understand but users find people to use and that I can understand.

[Deleted]

She's also in a tizzy because she doesn't have a car and I admit, it is hard to get around in our city without a car. My grandfather bought me a car in high school and I had every intention of doing the same for my kids. Well, I didn't buy DD a car because she wouldn't even listen when I tried to teach her to drive, so I gave up and she didn't have a license. And she was failing classes at school.

A couple years ago, a friend offered me a deal on a car he was selling. I was going to buy it, but I sat DD down first and explained that if I got the car, she HAD to go to school or work. She got smart and told me not to buy it then. No problem! 2 days later she tried to backtrack and wanted to talk about it, but I was done with that conversation.

A few weeks ago she asked me to cosign a loan for a car for her. There was so much wrong with that request, I won't even get into it here. I told her she doesn't need a loan. Save your money and pay cash for something that will hold you until you can do better. If she does that, I'll probably pitch in when it's time to buy, but I didn't tell her that. It's not like I don't want to help her, I'm just not going to help her do stupid stuff.

There are a lot of situations like that, where she doesn't want to take responsibility for her role in how and why things happen. I just don't get it. 

[yogiii]

Are there any examples of a kid worse off than her that she knows personally you can bring to light?  I can understand how kids aren't grateful for what they have and think things are always easier for others.  We're all kind of self-centered at that age and only see the parts of other people's lives we think are better than ours. 

I can remember thinking in school that it "wasn't fair" how most of my friends were getting a full ride from their parents and I had to take out loans.  I never said anything to my parents, they were just thoughts I had and kept to myself.  Then after college, the girl I lived with had student loans and no parents.  That kind of put things in perspective for me.  I didn't feel so bad for myself after that.

[Deleted]

yogiii, she's not a kid. She's 23. I love her, but she drives me nuts.

[giramomma]

I'm sorry..

[Shooby]

Yes, that gets frustrating for sure when you help your kids but then they claim nobody does! But, hopefully it is just immaturity that will work itself out by the time she is 30!

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2015 7:29:18 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Yes, that gets frustrating for sure when you help your kids but then they claim nobody does! But, hopefully it is just immaturity that will work itself out by the time she is 30!

I think I might have been kind of a whiner to my Mom when I was that age. 

Now that I have a 13 year old that does it to me too, I think back and feel pretty bad. 

[sarcasticgirl]

Oh pink... I feel for you. My mom is old school and probably would have smacked me across the mouth for saying those things! I don't understand the sense of entitlement so many young people seem to have.

Hopefully with the job, she will learn some responsibility and Figure out how freeing it is to stand on your own two feet and eventually, be very grateful for all the things you are doing for her.
You're a great mom! She'll grow up and realize it eventually.

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using proboards

[Deleted]

by the time she's 30?! No, just no.

Thanks for the kind words. The babies are at daycare and I'm about to go ride my bike. Hopefully I can work off some of my frustration and improve my mood.

[swamp]

I'm sorry, Pink.

If it will make you feel better, i'll go smack her for you.

[happyhoix]

I think this is some kind of rotten thinking problem. Maybe narcissism. All my siblings tend to have a 'poor me, no one helps me" kind of attitude (might be genetic, mom was that way) but the baby of the family has a horrible case of it.  She's been extremely lucky in her life, hard working DH  with a good paying job, beautiful house, four vacations a year, low stress job that lets her take off as much time as she wants. But to hear her talk about her life, people he always been mean and unfair to her, all her bosses have picked on her, her neighbors the people at church, her family members, in fact most of the universe wants to make her life hard. I've tried to point out to her how others  have it so much harder than she does but it's like she has no empathy for anyone else at all. All she wants to do  is sit and sulk about how hard she has it and how no one else understands how hard she has it.

She's almost fifty and has always been this way.  I'm at the point where I just avoid talking to her because that constant self pity makes me want to smack her on the head to really give her something to whine about.  

[zibazinski]

It is most definitely narcissism. Some grow out of it, some never do. My mom never did. Ugh. DD has some tendency to it because she gets it from her dad. He's a flat out sociopath so it could be worse. Trust me, she has improved a ton or she'd be out of my life. When she gets like him, I tell her I divorced someone that acted like she is doing and have no issue doing the same with her. That stops her in her tracks. 

[The Captain]

@pinkcshmere - sorry you have one like that for a daughter.

[Shooby]

Sometimes you just need to shake them back into reality. Not literally but I mean you have to let them manage their own lives and figure it out for themselves. And, they have to own the consequences. The earlier in life you do that the better. Some will come around when they realize the world is done handing them trophies for breathing. And, a few will always feel entitled and all you can do is set your own personal boundaries.

[imanangel]

Jul 14, 2015 7:29:18 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Yes, that gets frustrating for sure when you help your kids but then they claim nobody does! But, hopefully it is just immaturity that will work itself out by the time she is 30!

Oh PLEASE tell me that they mature before 30!!!!  Mine turns 19 next month and he is driving me insane!

[imanangel]

Jul 14, 2015 7:58:30 GMT -5 swamp said:

I'm sorry, Pink.

If it will make you feel better, i'll go smack her for you.

Can you swing by and smack mine too?

[andi9899]

Kids suck. They want to be treated like adults and be allowed to do whatever they want. But when adulthood/reality really do hit, they come to mommy and daddy for help. I thought you were an adult. Be one!

[wvugurl26]

My grandma swore they need to be 25 before they acted like an adult most of the time. I saw an article that said brains are still developing into their early 20s especially the part that says this is a dumb idea.

[tskeeter]

Jul 14, 2015 7:39:17 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

Oh pink... I feel for you. My mom is old school and probably would have smacked me across the mouth for saying those things! I don't understand the sense of entitlement so many young people seem to have.

Hopefully with the job, she will learn some responsibility and Figure out how freeing it is to stand on your own two feet and eventually, be very grateful for all the things you are doing for her.
You're a great mom! She'll grow up and realize it eventually.

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using proboards

How could kids not have a sense of entitlement these days?  They are bombarded by the media and politicians telling them that they are victims.  Victims of unscrupulous student loan lenders, victims of people with different colored skin, victims of employers, victims of businesses, victims of mortgage lenders, victims of people who have more than they do.  Even Mrs. Obama carries the victimization message as she talked to a Native American youth group recently, who had been victimized because other people did not respect their culture and values enough and because these kids great, great, great, great grandparents might have been removed from their villages and sent to an Indian School to intergrate them into white society.

Obviously, if you are a victim, nothing is the result of what you have done or the decisions that you have made.  And since you have no control over anything in your life, you are entitled to have someone else make your life into what you want it to be today.  And to have someone else make your life into what you will want it to be tomorrow.

Victims have no responsibility for where they find themselves in life and they have no responsibility to change their lives.  But, they are entitiled to have someone else change their lives for them so that they will have everything that someone else has.

We, in the US, have abandon our culture of self sufficiency and self improvement and replaced it with a culture of victimism and entitlement.  That makes me concerned for our future.  In another 50 years, will we be like Greece?  Entitled to live off the efforts of the citizens of our neighboring countries? 

[zibazinski]

The doctor I used to date said the same thing about the 25 business. DD is 26 and starting to act more human. Princess is 27 and still a spoiled self centered immature brat. Hopefully, she will stay someone else's problem child now that she bought herself a husband.

[wvugurl26]

Jul 14, 2015 13:40:07 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

The doctor I used to date said the same thing about the 25 business. DD is 26 and starting to act more human. Princess is 27 and still a spoiled self centered immature brat. Hopefully, she will stay someone else's problem child now that she bought herself a husband.

You expected better from your daughter and called her out on bad behavior. I doubt anyone calls princess out on hers.

My stepbrother is still a train wreck half the time. With my brother it was almost like a switch flipped. He had a job, supported himself, etc from 18 but he could still test my patience. He was awful about showing up for stuff he said he'd be at that kind of thing. Now he's there. I guess less flakey is the way I'd describe it.

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2015 13:14:13 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Kids suck. They want to be treated like adults and be allowed to do whatever they want. But when adulthood/reality really do hit, they come to mommy and daddy for help. I thought you were an adult. Be one!

DD turned 18 her senior year of high school. I wouldn't buy her a cell phone because her grades were bad and that year her best friend's Mom took it upon herself to give my daughter a cell phone for Christmas. I told her she had to give it back. She didn't think I could tell her what to do since she was 18. Rather than give up the phone, she decided to move in with them that night. She didn't say anything to me, she just left.

Since that point, she's always wanted the freedom of being an adult, but none of the responsibilities. I finally told her that I can respect her being an adult, but that also means that I won't treat her like a child when she bumps her head. That freedom has some responsibilities that come with it. And since I'm an adult too, I get to choose how much of another adult's mess I'm going to deal with.

I figured out when she was about 14 that she's one of those people that have to learn things the hard way. But geeee whiz, she's been bumping her head since high school and making her life more and more complicated.

[zibazinski]

I had one of those, too. It ain't easy let me tell you but it does get better. But, yes, I've had to have "come to Jesus" talks with her. True, no one ever called Princess out on her behavior. DH's younger half sister and Princesses older half sister both chewed her a new one over her behavior when DH had his transplant. She's been civil ever since with a few blips. Hopefully now that she got her dream wedding, she'll go her own way.

[sarcasticgirl]

Jul 14, 2015 13:14:13 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Kids suck. They want to be treated like adults and be allowed to do whatever they want. But when adulthood/reality really do hit, they come to mommy and daddy for help. I thought you were an adult. Be one!

This is why I don't have kids. 
My dog, he just wants to be treated like a dog... a very spoiled dog, but a dog nonetheless. And I can control his every move with a T-R-E-A-T! 

If I had a kid in today's day an age, I'd probably be in jail for trying to beat shake some sense into them. mass kudos go out to all the parents out there. 

[The Captain]

(knocks on wood)

For the most part I wonder where the damn horse shoe is because I've lucked out with DD in so many ways it would seem.

Kiddo is 12.  Looks like she's going to get her momma's "attributes" with an athletic figure.  She likes to dress modestly and so do her friends.  I never get any arguments when clothes shopping.  I'm having a hard time keeping DH's head from exploding as it is.

Yea, she sasses us in private but never in public.  Her friends are respectful in public as well.

I know we still have a ways to go, but I still have hope for future generations.

 

[CCL]

Jul 14, 2015 14:08:06 GMT -5 The Captain said:

(knocks on wood)

For the most part I wonder where the damn horse shoe is because I've lucked out with DD in so many ways it would seem.

Kiddo is 12.  Looks like she's going to get her momma's "attributes" with an athletic figure.  She likes to dress modestly and so do her friends.  I never get any arguments when clothes shopping.  I'm having a hard time keeping DH's head from exploding as it is.

Yea, she sasses us in private but never in public.  Her friends are respectful in public as well.

I know we still have a ways to go, but I still have hope for future generations.

 

12 is still pretty young, but hopefully she will stay that way. Sounds like she's off to a good start.

[gs11rmb]

Jul 14, 2015 14:17:04 GMT -5 @tbird said:

ride that bike, and let it blow over you.

She has a right to be hurt. And she is probably very angry because she knows that if she had been more responsible, she could have had the house so she is angry and disappointed in herself.

Combined with youth - that is a recipe for throwing blame around far and wide. Doesn't mean she really feels you've done nothing for her.

I agree with everything you said apart from the part about being hurt. 

Pink - is your daughter depressed?

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2015 14:17:04 GMT -5 @tbird said:

ride that bike, and let it blow over you.

She has a right to be hurt. And she is probably very angry because she knows that if she had been more responsible, she could have had the house so she is angry and disappointed in herself.

Combined with youth - that is a recipe for throwing blame around far and wide. Doesn't mean she really feels you've done nothing for her.

I did ride my bike. I felt much, much better afterwards.

I understand what you're saying, but I get the feeling that she thinks that whatever I do for her, I'm suppose to do it. That's not a new feeling, and I don't like it. Because I don't HAVE to do anything anymore.

Even with that, it probably wouldn't have struck a nerve like it did she hadn't already been on my nerves for the past few weeks. She's been doing a lot of dumb stuff lately and some things I do feel like I need to deal with because of my grandbabies. So lately I've been at least mildly irritated more often than not. 

Unless I just got off my bike.  

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2015 14:54:29 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Jul 14, 2015 14:17:04 GMT -5 @tbird said:

ride that bike, and let it blow over you.

She has a right to be hurt. And she is probably very angry because she knows that if she had been more responsible, she could have had the house so she is angry and disappointed in herself.

Combined with youth - that is a recipe for throwing blame around far and wide. Doesn't mean she really feels you've done nothing for her.

I agree with everything you said apart from the part about being hurt. 

Pink - is your daughter depressed?

I don't know. It's possible. I haven't said anything in a while, but I tried very hard to get her to go talk to somebody on my dime a couple years ago. She went for a couple of sessions and would never go back.

ETA: I'm not a doctor, but I don't think she's depressed. I do think she has some issues that need to be addressed though.