tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jul 4, 2015 22:00:06 GMT -5
No, no, and very unlikely depending on age. Too many other choices out there to compromise to that degree.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2015 22:08:18 GMT -5
My former bf wasn't on the same page financially as I was. It wasn't a deal breaker for a realtionship, but it was for marriage. He owed about $25,000 in back taxes that I wasn't interested in helping him pay. I got divorced in 1998; my daughter was 21 and my son was 19. Although I was only 44, I wasn't the least bit interested in really raising kids. I dated this guy who was a few years older than I was, but who had a 5-year-old son. That was a deal breaker for me. My ex married a woman a couple of years younger than me but not much. She had no children. I think when you have raised your own, you pretty much decided "enough is enough." I might have done a teen that was a couple of years from college, but not a five-year-old! YMMV.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2015 23:34:03 GMT -5
I don't know if I am qualified to comment on this. My ex was a massive spendthrift & liar. Pretty much a professional con & I was way too naive to see or understand it when I met him. Shocking when you find out someone has kind of a double life. So, I am extremely sensitive on the financial side. At my age I would expect a guy to have his own home, a well funded 401K, and a steady job or income stream and good credit. Having glorious amounts of money doesn't interest me, but being conscientious about your assets and demonstrating a history of responsibility is mandatory. I have dated guys that presented a good image, but what they had were trappings & image, not real financial stability or savvy. Once I figured out it was "all for show" it wasn't interesting to me. Having a boat and a smaller 401K than me doesn't cut it. I raised my kids and would not want to raise someone else's so that is a definite no-go for me. Grown children are really enough to deal with Looks are relative and different people see different things in each other. I think relatively healthy is important, being able to take walks and stuff like that. I'm not a "hiker" but I do like to walk simple trails in the parks and around the mountains. Honesty is probably the most important attribute. You lie to me once or attempt to manipulate me, you are done. Final answer
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 5, 2015 3:09:43 GMT -5
I never had kids and years ago may have wanted to raise one or two but too old now. If a man is bad with money we can be friends but never share money. This is why my ISO isn't a SO after 29 years. He is getting better but still nothing I want to share. Physically attractive isn't as important as kind and gentle, hard working and generous nature and honest.
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Happy prose
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Post by Happy prose on Jul 5, 2015 5:41:00 GMT -5
Well I'm married, but I'll chime in anyway...If I had to date again, must be financially sound, no kids, dead mother. So I'd probably remain single for a long time!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 5, 2015 5:52:57 GMT -5
It depends on what the financial issue is. Part of a relationship is working together and you are both 2 different people with 2 different approaches. DH and I both had car loans and student debt when we got married. His parents didn't help him thru college so he had significantly more student loan debt than I did. I would assume that you are talking about an otherwise responsible person who may have some type of debt or financial issues. Some of that can be solved with education and planning as it is amazing how many people really know very little about how to handle their own money. So, sometimes it is a lack of understanding rather than a poor approach. However, at this point in my life, I would not be wanting to subsidize someone's big debt if I had to start over either. As I said, it would really depend on the circumstances.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Jul 5, 2015 6:18:08 GMT -5
I'm married but once had a boyfriend who didn't have a steady job.
The deal breaker was his total lack of manners.
If I was to ever date again, a man with a negative net worth or massive debt and tiny income would be out of the question.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Jul 5, 2015 7:44:09 GMT -5
I've raised step kids as well as my own.......and I'd certainly not do that again. There was a lot of animosity from their mother and family. I was always the whipping post......and wouldn't want to set myself up like that again.
but I like kids....so maybe if the situation were different....who knows.
Or perhaps say that I'd not stop the person seeing their kids....and we could get together the rest of the time.
I'd go for chemistry first....since its pointless to organise anything if you are not compatible.
The deal beaker would be laziness. I work very hard and would expect my partner to do the same. and bring the same things to the table that I can. A kept couch potato wouldn't last long.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 5, 2015 8:14:12 GMT -5
Would I date someone that had one (or more) potential dealbrakers.
If I'm dating for fun? Absolutely.
I would even consider moving in with someone, as long as finances were kept 100% and there were no expectations for the saver to continually bale out the spender.
Marriage, no.
I think this brings up a good point...about "flaws." Yes, we are all flawed. But, I think there is a continuum, and that some flaws are not desirable. There's a huge difference between being such a spender that you have 0 in savings and leaving the sink full of dishes overnight every once in a while or toe nails out for others to find, or walking past a full garbage can for a few days and not doing anything about it..
For me the "big" flaws were important: same outlook on parenting, lifestyle, education, finances, drinking/drugs, and some sort of work ethic. At the end of the day, those are the things that would most bother me and have the most chance of impacting me negatively.
I don't have time and energy to be resentful about the million little things that could piss a person off. I used to have time and energy for this when we had no kids. Now, not so much.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 5, 2015 9:09:14 GMT -5
So here's a question about dating, where do you draw the line between chemistry and standards? In other words, if you enjoy the time you spend with someone but they do some kind of financial thing that you can't get on board with, would you still date/marry them? Is physical attraction more important than financial security? If they have kids and yours are grown would you do it again for the "perfect" spouse? Nothing wrong with enjoying a roll in the sack just encase the chemistry is there. It doesn't mean I have to marry the guy.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jul 5, 2015 10:06:20 GMT -5
If something happened to DH it's unlikely that I would ever get married again.
I'm a good person but at my age I doubt anyone would find me attractive.
And I have no desire to be a "nurse with a purse"!
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 5, 2015 10:43:15 GMT -5
If something happened to DH it's unlikely that I would ever get married again.
I'm a good person but at my age I doubt anyone would find me attractive.
One of my friends and I were talking about this just last night. We both said something similar - we've each been married 25+ years and if our spouses died, we'd never be able to navigate the dating thing and would probably just die alone with a few dozen cats to keep us company.
But then again, one of my closest friends used to say the same thing until she recently got divorced after 25 years of marriage. And although she was scared, it actually didn't take long for her to date and then even find someone she liked.
We're probably all a lot harder on ourselves than others are. For example, the friend I was talking to last night is a total hottie and a retired military pilot. I'm guessing if his wife died, it would take about 30 seconds before single women of various ages were throwing themselves at him. But it sounds from what he was saying that he doesn't see himself that way.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jul 5, 2015 10:50:57 GMT -5
If something happened to DH it's unlikely that I would ever get married again.
I'm a good person but at my age I doubt anyone would find me attractive.
One of my friends and I were talking about this just last night. We both said something similar - we've each been married 25+ years and if our spouses died, we'd never be able to navigate the dating thing and would probably just die alone with a few dozen cats to keep us company.
But then again, one of my closest friends used to say the same thing until she recently got divorced after 25 years of marriage. And although she was scared, it actually didn't take long for her to date and then even find someone she liked.
We're probably all a lot harder on ourselves than others are. For example, the friend I was talking to last night is a total hottie and a retired military pilot. I'm guessing if his wife died, it would take about 30 seconds before single women of various ages were throwing themselves at him. But it sounds from what he was saying that he doesn't see himself that way.
I think it's much easier for older men. They are "distinguished" and we just get old.
But that's fine by me. I'm really not up for another training session!
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 5, 2015 11:25:49 GMT -5
What Milee said is what I believe the case to be of the fire captain (from my thread) he is 6"2', quite good looking, nice bod, makes loads of money, but has serious self esteem issues that you wouldn't think just by his looks he would have.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 5, 2015 12:31:22 GMT -5
I'm never getting married, but there are things that make a man undatable for me. Kids living at home are one.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 5, 2015 12:52:11 GMT -5
I think a big reason why I'm single is that I want more than just chemistry. And probably some other things too.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 5, 2015 14:17:31 GMT -5
Since I really can't see myself dating someone signficantly younger than myself, any man with kids that still needed raising would not be interested in me -> I would be too old for him. Besides, I totally enjoy being a GM and have no wish to do the parenting part again. not sure what my reaction would be if the kid were his GK which he is rasing due to family catastrophe? It would depend on the circumstances I guess, like accident v. drugs ?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 5, 2015 14:53:54 GMT -5
I haven't dated in about 100 years but I've always gone for a guy that I resonated with first and foremost. My idea of good looking wasn't always what everybody else liked and some were over the top gorgeous (by other's standards) that I wasn't into that much. Same with jobs/income/net worth types. I dated a lawyer who made partner in his 20's, owned a gorgeous home along with many rentals, drove a sports car and was drop dead gorgeous (and 6' 2") that I liked a lot but was not in love with him. We got along great and had fun but I just never fell in love with him. Everybody thought I was nuts. When I fell in love with DH2 everybody thought I was nuts too. I left a guy (6' 2" awesome DH1)that made great money and we just built our dream custom home on a lake and lived the high life. DH2 was younger than me, had a car with a broken window, had an ok job and shared an apt. with his sister. LOL! And I'm shallow but fell head over heels in love with him and I didn't care! I knew I had a good job and could take care of myself and we just clicked. He ended up being one of the best guys I've ever known with amazing character and strength who loves me and he's successful. Ha! I win!! To this day everybody is still surprised how great he turned out to be but, according to him and his family, it was from being under my heavy handed bitchy loving, smart ways. If something happened between us I'd do it the same way but just never marry or move in with him if he's a financial train wreck. I'd most likely not want to live together any way because I don't have a problem living alone and don't want to fight over chores, etc. It kills the romance!
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 5, 2015 15:52:22 GMT -5
What about several rolls in the sack
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2015 16:14:42 GMT -5
I always dated you get. As in cougar not puma. I think it's smart. Old men have issues younger men don't.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 5, 2015 16:28:17 GMT -5
I always dated you get. As in cougar not puma. I think it's smart. Old men have issues younger men don't. Young men are immature and not as good in the sack.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 5, 2015 16:31:09 GMT -5
I always dated you get. As in cougar not puma. I think it's smart. Old men have issues younger men don't. Young men are immature and not as good in the sack. But what we lack in experience we make up for in endurance , curiosity, vigor and flexibility
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 5, 2015 16:40:31 GMT -5
Young men are immature and not as good in the sack. But what we lack in experience we make up for in endurance , curiosity, vigor and flexibility Not always. I got with this guy who went on about how good he was and he lied. But at 23, I shouldn't have believed him at all. To clarify, he was 23 to my 35 at the time.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 5, 2015 16:43:40 GMT -5
But what we lack in experience we make up for in endurance , curiosity, vigor and flexibility Not always. I got with this guy who went on about how good he was and he lied. But at 23, I shouldn't have believed him at all. To clarify, he was 23 to my 35 at the time. And you did not use that opportunity to bestow upon him your wisdom? Such a disservice to the next woman he was with Like I said, I am sure getting it up for seconds or third or fourth wouldn't have been an issue. For the sake of learning and all
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 5, 2015 17:01:24 GMT -5
Not always. I got with this guy who went on about how good he was and he lied. But at 23, I shouldn't have believed him at all. To clarify, he was 23 to my 35 at the time. And you did not use that opportunity to bestow upon him your wisdom? Such a disservice to the next woman he was with Like I said, I am sure getting it up for seconds or third or fourth wouldn't have been an issue. For the sake of learning and all No. I just left. I'm not trying to be a teacher. Let someone else do that.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2015 17:13:16 GMT -5
Well, I've never had any complaints with my young ones! they seem to know what's it all about. Of course they weren't tweny three, either.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 5, 2015 17:49:46 GMT -5
Younger is different depending on the woman's age. I dated a 30 year old when I was 35, he was a baby not a man. I am 67 now so dating a 50 year old would be fine with me most have matured but aren't old. ISO is 68 it has worked out well be both retired last year, don't want to support a man so he can retire or wonder in 20 years when I am 88 and he is 70 if I am too old for him.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 5, 2015 17:54:07 GMT -5
Not always. I got with this guy who went on about how good he was and he lied. But at 23, I shouldn't have believed him at all. To clarify, he was 23 to my 35 at the time. And you did not use that opportunity to bestow upon him your wisdom? Such a disservice to the next woman he was with Like I said, I am sure getting it up for seconds or third or fourth wouldn't have been an issue. For the sake of learning and all Yea, but bad sex for women is probably far and away way worse than for men. Did you see the sex and the city episode where Carrie sprained her neck/back thanks to the guys jackhammering? Nope, not powering through pain to train a guy. And probably not powering through blah if Bob is better.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jul 5, 2015 18:07:38 GMT -5
I would do the chemistry and stay single.
Too bad for me, I'm married.
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honeysalt
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Post by honeysalt on Jul 5, 2015 20:17:24 GMT -5
So here's a question about dating, where do you draw the line between chemistry and standards?
For me, the line is fling vs. relationship. Some people can't draw that line, but those of us who can get to enjoy both.
In other words, if you enjoy the time you spend with someone but they do some kind of financial thing that you can't get on board with, would you still date/marry them?
I would casually date, but would not take the relationship seriously, and would be honest about that.
Is physical attraction more important than financial security?
No. People cheat on supermodels. Initial physical attraction will typically fade in about 6-8 months, even with the hottest person. That doesn't mean that people can't stay attracted to each other, but I think lasting attraction is more than just physical.
If they have kids and yours are grown would you do it again for the "perfect" spouse?
I don't have kids and doubt I ever will. I wouldn't make a good step-mom and wouldn't subject kids to my complete lack of maternal ability, even if a perfect spouse existed.
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