Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on Jan 19, 2016 18:31:29 GMT -5
She's in Florida with her DH Has she checked in with anyone yet?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 19, 2016 18:32:46 GMT -5
She's posting on another thread. Can't think of the name right now.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jan 19, 2016 20:52:40 GMT -5
She's posting on another thread. Can't think of the name right now. "What I've Done Today" over on Smart Spending.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 19, 2016 21:37:05 GMT -5
Thank you b
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Jan 23, 2016 5:50:02 GMT -5
Glad to hear that you are enjoying our Florida weather!
Sorry to hear that MIL is worse, but then it was expected. Your DH is in denial and since he really hasn't been around to see her health failing, try convincing him that the $3,000 is an investment into HER future, HER safety, HER well being and not on how much it will make your lives easier/better. Hopefully he will see it differently and so will you.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jan 23, 2016 21:08:53 GMT -5
Yes, it is time for your hubby to care for his mother. Hopefully, spending time with her will help get him out of his denial and in to reality of her situation.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 24, 2016 12:35:26 GMT -5
Those who try to take advantage can have it come back to bite them in the ass. I checked with my lawyer here. It seems the executrix of DH's estate has made some huge boo boos. I thought as much but wanted to know for sure. I'm going to stay civil but I now know she cannot be trusted at all.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jan 24, 2016 12:57:40 GMT -5
And this is why a good CPA instead of 'tax person' (if rapidly disbursed) or attorney is used
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 25, 2016 9:13:33 GMT -5
My guess on the iron is if your husband takes one the assisted living facility will either stop him from bringing it in or quickly confinscate it. He's probably not the first visitor to bring things like that, unaware they pose a danger to everyone in the hands of a dementia patient.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Jan 25, 2016 9:30:50 GMT -5
I grew tired very quickly of stepping to tell DH that what he was thinking/planning/wanting etc. wasn't a good idea. It seemed all I was doing was correcting him and telling him no. In fact, at one point I realized I started almost every sentence with the word NO.. I know he was sick & tired of it too....sometimes the hardest thing to do is NOTHING!!!
Most men only learn when they finally step in something......
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 25, 2016 14:45:11 GMT -5
He called me today with all kinds of stuff in the mail I need to deal with. I don't understand. Why can't he deal with it?
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Jan 25, 2016 16:23:45 GMT -5
It's time for Mr. Pat to put on his big boy pants and act like a grown man. And Mrs. Pat, where's all your chest pounding that you've had enough and it's time for him to step up, after all, it's NOT your Mom. Did he help you with yours? Of course NOT.
You were going to Florida because you PAID for it....you said he could come or not, you were going....so stay put!!! Enjoy your time there. Now, all you're doing is making excuses to run back to Indiana and take over. Your life will never change until you make a decision to change it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 25, 2016 16:27:37 GMT -5
He has just NEVER had to, especially DD and his moms stuff, he has no idea where to start.
There is this thing called the internet. I am sure the nursing home could point him in the direction of help, so could the department of health and human services.
He'd have to figure it out on his own if you were dead, correct?
I'm not saying this to be mean but I don't think you really WANT to be done taking care of everyone. If you were as done as you have said for 73 pages you wouldn't be rushing home to help your DH with paperwork, you'd be telling him to talk to the attorney/nursing home/DHHS/look it up on Google.
You're getting something out of being the one in control of everything. Nothing is going to change until you ask yourself what it is that makes you keep going back for more.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 25, 2016 16:31:29 GMT -5
It's time for Mr. Pat to put on his big boy pants and act like a grown man. And Mrs. Pat, where's all your chest pounding that you've had enough and it's time for him to step up, after all, it's NOT your Mom. Did he help you with yours? Of course NOT.
You were going to Florida because you PAID for it....you said he could come or not, you were going....so stay put!!! Enjoy your time there. Now, all you're doing is making excuses to run back to Indiana and take over. Your life will never change until you make a decision to change it. I've gotta agree with BG, Pat. Your DH was able to make an excellent living for many years. He's not stupid, quite obviously. He's perfectly capable of figuring out what to do with that paperwork and he's perfectly capable of doing it. Until you stand up and assert yourself as your own person with rights and freedoms equal to his, nothing is going to change. Nothing. The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you want things to change? If you don't, carry on and don't ever complain. If you do want change, you're going to have to get up on your hind legs and insist on it. It's not that he can't - he won't.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2016 16:43:37 GMT -5
It's time for Mr. Pat to put on his big boy pants and act like a grown man. And Mrs. Pat, where's all your chest pounding that you've had enough and it's time for him to step up, after all, it's NOT your Mom. Did he help you with yours? Of course NOT.
You were going to Florida because you PAID for it....you said he could come or not, you were going....so stay put!!! Enjoy your time there. Now, all you're doing is making excuses to run back to Indiana and take over. Your life will never change until you make a decision to change it. I've gotta agree with BG, Pat. Your DH was able to make an excellent living for many years. He's not stupid, quite obviously. He's perfectly capable of figuring out what to do with that paperwork and he's perfectly capable of doing it. Until you stand up and assert yourself as your own person with rights and freedoms equal to his, nothing is going to change. Nothing. The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you want things to change? If you don't, carry on and don't every complain. If you do want change, you're going to have to get up on your hind legs and insist on it. It's not that he can't - he won't. Maybe she wants something in between. She wants things to "change" as in her husband understanding exactly the situation she has been living in and why these things that have been happening have been necessities. She wants him to assume more of the physical responsibility with his mother and their daughter. But she is still willing and even wanting to help because they are partners. Partners draw on each other's strengths. One of hers has been handling all this paperwork, etc. I usually call when DH needs something clarified with a credit card company, cell phone company, etc. In fact, he has made me the account managers for his accounts. I don't want to be a co-creditor, by the way. I refuse. But that authorizes me to call and take care of stuff. In his case, his hearing is bad. Regardless, I am glad to do it because it is done right. That doesn't mean he doesn't wear "his big boy pants and act like a grown man." Pat's been doing the paperwork forever. She can sit down and get her DH to do it with her, but I'm not sure I would just turn it over to someone who doesn't have a clue where to start. It takes twice as long to straighten out a mess than it does to do it right in the first place.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 25, 2016 17:00:22 GMT -5
I've gotta agree with BG, Pat. Your DH was able to make an excellent living for many years. He's not stupid, quite obviously. He's perfectly capable of figuring out what to do with that paperwork and he's perfectly capable of doing it. Until you stand up and assert yourself as your own person with rights and freedoms equal to his, nothing is going to change. Nothing. The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you want things to change? If you don't, carry on and don't every complain. If you do want change, you're going to have to get up on your hind legs and insist on it. It's not that he can't - he won't. Maybe she wants something in between. She wants things to "change" as in her husband understanding exactly the situation she has been living in and why these things that have been happening have been necessities. She wants him to assume more of the physical responsibility with his mother and their daughter. But she is still willing and even wanting to help because they are partners. Partners draw on each other's strengths. One of hers has been handling all this paperwork, etc. I usually call when DH needs something clarified with a credit card company, cell phone company, etc. In fact, he has made me the account managers for his accounts. I don't want to be a co-creditor, by the way. I refuse. But that authorizes me to call and take care of stuff. In his case, his hearing is bad. Regardless, I am glad to do it because it is done right. That doesn't mean he doesn't wear "his big boy pants and act like a grown man." Pat's been doing the paperwork forever. She can sit down and get her DH to do it with her, but I'm not sure I would just turn it over to someone who doesn't have a clue where to start. It takes twice as long to straighten out a mess than it does to do it right in the first place. And, if Pat (or you) got very, very ill tomorrow and had to be hospitalized on strict bedrest with NO STRESS, who would do these things? What if Pat (or you) suddenly passed away? Who would do these things? DH and I shared responsiblities, too. We each did what we did best; however, we each knew how to do what the other did and could do so without hesitation if the need arose. I'd never have expected DH to come rushing home to take care of something because I could have done it. He was the same. Making someone dependent on you is never a good idea, IMO. Nobody's talking about "turning it over". What we're talking about here is having to rush home from Florida because DH has paperwork in the mail. There's a difference. I'm sure he's intelligent enough to read the paperwork and figure out what needs to be done, or ask for help, or look it up on Google. He's not a cretin.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2016 17:12:02 GMT -5
mmhmm, that would depend on what paperwork is in the mail, wouldn't it? Screw up something like a requalification, etc., and you will spend a long time cleaning it up. In any case, I think Pat wants to go home. Being needed is a large part of most people's lives. It has been a large part of her life for a long time. She seems to be lonely by herself without her husband or her daughter. And I still think you don't just turn something over and say "you figure it out." You walk the other person through it. Just like you said your DH knows how to do stuff you are good at. My DH knows how to do everything I do. He just doesn't hear well, and customer service associates aren't particularly patient with him. He would do fine if I wasn't here as Pat's husband would. He would have to be. But he doesn't have to right now. She has time to teach him.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 25, 2016 17:23:08 GMT -5
mmhmm , that would depend on what paperwork is in the mail, wouldn't it? Screw up something like a requalification, etc., and you will spend a long time cleaning it up. In any case, I think Pat wants to go home. Being needed is a large part of most people's lives. It has been a large part of her life for a long time. She seems to be lonely by herself without her husband or her daughter. And I still think you don't just turn something over and say "you figure it out." You walk the other person through it. Just like you said your DH knows how to do stuff you are good at. My DH knows how to do everything I do. He just doesn't hear well, and customer service associates aren't particularly patient with him. He would do fine if I wasn't here as Pat's husband would. He would have to be. But he doesn't have to right now. She has time to teach him. As I said, nobody here said anything about "turning over" anything. The only one who's said that is you. A hearing problem is a physical matter that puts it in a different realm. That's why people use hearing aids and telephone hearing assisting devices. Frankly, I gave my DH more credit for brains than to figure I had to walk him through the steps of the things I did. He knew how to do them. If he didn't, he was fully capable of finding out how to do them, or taking them to someone who would help him do them. He wasn't helpless without me and I wasn't helpless without him. As to being needed, I agree most folks enjoy being needed. However, to absolutely require that you're needed is a different situation. When you start dismissing another person's capabilities in favor of your own superiority in order to be needed, that's a problem. Better, IMO, to let that person learn. Pat should not have to leave and run home just because DH has paperwork. How does one know he'd "do fine"? He's certainly not being given the opportunity to show he would. He's assumed to be incapable. That's something I wouldn't do to my DH. YMMV
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2016 18:46:51 GMT -5
mmhmm , that would depend on what paperwork is in the mail, wouldn't it? Screw up something like a requalification, etc., and you will spend a long time cleaning it up. In any case, I think Pat wants to go home. Being needed is a large part of most people's lives. It has been a large part of her life for a long time. She seems to be lonely by herself without her husband or her daughter. And I still think you don't just turn something over and say "you figure it out." You walk the other person through it. Just like you said your DH knows how to do stuff you are good at. My DH knows how to do everything I do. He just doesn't hear well, and customer service associates aren't particularly patient with him. He would do fine if I wasn't here as Pat's husband would. He would have to be. But he doesn't have to right now. She has time to teach him. As I said, nobody here said anything about "turning over" anything. The only one who's said that is you. A hearing problem is a physical matter that puts it in a different realm. That's why people use hearing aids and telephone hearing assisting devices. Frankly, I gave my DH more credit for brains than to figure I had to walk him through the steps of the things I did. He knew how to do them. If he didn't, he was fully capable of finding out how to do them, or taking them to someone who would help him do them. He wasn't helpless without me and I wasn't helpless without him. As to being needed, I agree most folks enjoy being needed. However, to absolutely require that you're needed is a different situation. When you start dismissing another person's capabilities in favor of your own superiority in order to be needed, that's a problem. Better, IMO, to let that person learn. Pat should not have to leave and run home just because DH has paperwork. How does one know he'd "do fine"? He's certainly not being given the opportunity to show he would. He's assumed to be incapable. That's something I wouldn't do to my DH. YMMV Let's agree to disagree. To me, Pat telling her husband, "You handle this" when he hasn't done it before is "turning it over." To you, it is a learning experience. Different perspectives. I don't really see the difference from him "taking them to someone who would help him do them" and asking you to help him do them the first time. Maybe it is because I am a teacher, but learning experiences require modeling, etc. I don't throw the kids into the pool and ask them to "swim or sink." And I'm not dismissing anyone's "capabilities in favor of [my] own superiority in order to be needed." By the way, that is just short of a personal insult. You can claim it is a generic "you" and make it work within the code of conduct. You are a little holier than thou, though, with the "That's something I wouldn't do to my DH." I don't do it to mine. We are partners. There is a ton of stuff that he does for me that I would simply hire out if he wasn't here. YMMV as well.
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endofera
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Post by endofera on Jan 25, 2016 19:05:13 GMT -5
Have him Fedex the paperwork to you and deal with it from there.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 25, 2016 19:08:23 GMT -5
As I said, nobody here said anything about "turning over" anything. The only one who's said that is you. A hearing problem is a physical matter that puts it in a different realm. That's why people use hearing aids and telephone hearing assisting devices. Frankly, I gave my DH more credit for brains than to figure I had to walk him through the steps of the things I did. He knew how to do them. If he didn't, he was fully capable of finding out how to do them, or taking them to someone who would help him do them. He wasn't helpless without me and I wasn't helpless without him. As to being needed, I agree most folks enjoy being needed. However, to absolutely require that you're needed is a different situation. When you start dismissing another person's capabilities in favor of your own superiority in order to be needed, that's a problem. Better, IMO, to let that person learn. Pat should not have to leave and run home just because DH has paperwork. How does one know he'd "do fine"? He's certainly not being given the opportunity to show he would. He's assumed to be incapable. That's something I wouldn't do to my DH. YMMV Let's agree to disagree. To me, Pat telling her husband, "You handle this" when he hasn't done it before is "turning it over." To you, it is a learning experience. Different perspectives. I don't really see the difference from him "taking them to someone who would help him do them" and asking you to help him do them the first time. Maybe it is because I am a teacher, but learning experiences require modeling, etc. I don't throw the kids into the pool and ask them to "swim or sink." And I'm not dismissing anyone's "capabilities in favor of [my] own superiority in order to be needed." By the way, that is just short of a personal insult. You can claim it is a generic "you" and make it work within the code of conduct. You are a little holier than thou, though, with the "That's something I wouldn't do to my DH." I don't do it to mine. We are partners. There is a ton of stuff that he does for me that I would simply hire out if he wasn't here. YMMV as well. Yep. We can agree to disagree and it was a generic "you". No holier than though intended. I just view it differently than you do and have expressed my reasons why. I was a nurse for years and our prime focus is education; however, it's also promoting self-reliance and self-determination in adults. The fact is, Pat isn't "there". She's in Florida. She shouldn't feel she has to go home to see to something her DH is probably perfectly capable of seeing to himself, IMO. He might even get the opportunity to take care of it himself and feel some pride in accomplishment. That's how I see it. You see it differently. Ergo, agree to disagree.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Jan 25, 2016 20:33:51 GMT -5
Have him Fedex the paperwork to you and deal with it from there. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Exactly what I was thinking. Go home from a nice vacation you've paid for to take care of paperwork? That's nuts. Pat, start living your life!
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jan 25, 2016 20:49:08 GMT -5
Have him Fedex the paperwork to you and deal with it from there. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Exactly what I was thinking. Go home from a nice vacation you've paid for to take care of paperwork? That's nuts. Pat, start living your life! Yeah that!!!
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jan 25, 2016 22:14:41 GMT -5
Those who try to take advantage can have it come back to bite them in the ass. I checked with my lawyer here. It seems the executrix of DH's estate has made some huge boo boos. I thought as much but wanted to know for sure. I'm going to stay civil but I now know she cannot be trusted at all. I'm sorry, Zib. At least you know she can not be trusted and you will have to watch her.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 25, 2016 23:37:52 GMT -5
I want this visit for DD to go well. We don't need more things to aggravate her or dad believe me I know and get caught in the middle. There are some other issues also that are happening. There are issues with DD's SS and it can effect her Medicaid too. That is a nightmare to deal with. I sent in everything and the company over the group home is supposed to be taking over. But SS never acknowledged receipt of the check or the corrected reconciliation, they made a mistake and started with the wrong bank account balance last year, how I don't know, I resent all the paperwork, all that stuff is in Indiana in files, they never cashed the check from her last reconciliation, we have a case number assigned now. I'm contacting them tomorrow. I'm making some calls tomorrow, but I intend to stay here next week if the weather is good. But it sounds like they are cutting off her SS from what he read to me, damn, I kept wondering why they didn't acknowledge receipt of that stuff. I was about ready to call them, did not send it certified mail, this time. Always something. Also sounds like she will lose the assistance from Indiana with the increased amount and if she does there goes her Medicaid. This is very important, believe me. I have nothing on this computer and couldn't tell him what to pull together, it wouldn't mean anything to him at this point. I put the flea stuff on the dog and I'm not so sure he isn't allergic, he is scratching like crazy and he wasn't before. I haven't put it on the cat yet. I also sprayed the carpet with OTC stuff, its something new the vet tech said. The mess with SS doesn't sound good. Hopefully, a telephone call will uncover and rectify the problem. If they need something you could probably tell DH where it is and he could get it and send it to them. If it's filed, he should be able to find it with ease with just a little direction. I'm glad you've decided to stay. As you said, you did pay for the vacation and you really need the time away, hon, even if there are moments when you feel lonely. Know what you mean about the certified mail, too. Seems like I spend money sending certified mail that really didn't need all that protection only to try to send something without certifying it and having it go haywire! Been there, done that. The company that's over the group home should be of help as it's something they probably deal with all the time. Good luck, girl. I hope it gets worked out!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 26, 2016 6:28:24 GMT -5
I'm sure you do. When someone has been your whole life, it's hard to not have them in it anymore. Regardless of the reason.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Jan 26, 2016 7:22:52 GMT -5
i fully understand where Pat is coming from regarding paperwork she is familar with but not so for her DH. I VIVIDLY remember leaving My DH home w/a worksheet for estimated taxes that we needed to fil. Came home from work to a pile of crumpled paper & no completed form. I did the whole shebang in 15 minutes because I was used to it.
I taught my DDs to do their income taxes by preparing a simple worksheet. That was before online forms & services. Maybe Pat needs to do something similar.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on Jan 26, 2016 8:20:14 GMT -5
How many households here have both husband and wife taking care of bank statements and bill statements, paying the bills, etc? If you do, how is that working out for you? How many of you sit down with your mate and decide how and when you pay the darn bill or write that check to cover it? If she has kept the checkbook, and done all the paperwork with government, I can not believe anyone would say, let him do it now. Totally irresponsible. Unless he is a darn accountant, it takes months of getting the system down and doing it properly. Plus, if we know anything about Pat, she will not let that happen. Get real. And you know what, if I were Pat I would not do it either. She is the specialist dealing with Government agencies. She might want to "train him" to do it, but it ain't happening with him there and her in Florida. Heck, she would not even know there is a problem, without him going back and seeing the mail. And I admit, it is hard to teach an old dog (hubby) new tricks, but it also works for the girls too. We are putting the darn spreadsheets together this week trying to line our tax returns up, and darn, it's hard for either of us to take direction from the other one. Neither of us would be happy sharing the bill paying duty. One person has to do it. I get it if you are living paycheck to paycheck, you might want to confer with each other, but Pat and hubby are not in that situation. If Pat wants to turn over some duties, fine. Put a spreadsheet together listing everything and the where and when it comes from, and when due, etc. Start slowly with him and give him some easy assignments first and go from there. If he is as stubborn as she claims, start small. She has done this already, assigning his mother to him
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Feb 1, 2016 16:40:21 GMT -5
Pat I don't get the new motorhome. I may be missing something but it sounds like your DH isn't very interested in travelling. I don't know whether he'd be more interested in driving somewhere in a truck or car and staying in a hotel rather than travelling in a motorhome. But given the price of a new motorhome, I'd really think twice before you find yourself alone again but with a newer, better, more expensive motorhome.
Personally I think you should hold off on that major purpose until you and your DH get more accustomed to being together, and until your DH finds his feet being at home.
I know you don't like to waste money, but if you are BOTH interested, I think it would be a much better idea to rent one for a week or two. The population is aging, there will always be another great deal on a newer motorhome just around the corner.
Since your DH doesn't seem at all as interested in actually USING a motorhome (as opposed to just buying one) as you, I would rent one a few times a year and see how it goes. Not actually purchasing one would also allow you to rent a fancier / bigger one so that you could both comfortably travel more comfortably with Sue Anne and the animals.
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Ombud
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 14, 2013 23:21:04 GMT -5
Posts: 7,592
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Post by Ombud on Feb 1, 2016 23:38:47 GMT -5
He is the one looking at them, I'm saying lets think about it. Right now we aren't doing anything, he is starting to say he will go with me, just doesn't want to go someplace and stay for the winter. I am enjoying DH being home, even though he didn't want to stay in Florida he now says he will go someplace and stay a week, he just doesn't want to stay longer. I'm confused ... he's looking to buy something but putting out these messages? Not worth 80k+ depreciating asset for a week
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