DD & MIL's Issues

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 28, 2015 15:31:31 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

I think it has more to do with who can sign her in and all of that.  I'm guessing guardianship wouldn't revert to the state until (wow there's no good way to say this) they are deceased.  

I would guess it would be a bigger deal (more hoops) if the goal was to have the state be her guardian.   And that if DD didn't have a guardian the state would have to be appointed before placement. 

I could of course be totally wrong in this. 

Sroo, that's extremely logical which is why it's not the reason the gov't would want to know.  (sorry, I'm out of faith in the gov't today)

[mollyanna58]

I'm so glad things are looking hopeful!  You deserve a break.

[mmhmm]

@patstab, it's good to hear you might be making some actual progress. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for a good solution to the problem you're facing. You've done your very best, and more. So has your DH. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for all of you. 

[busymom]

That is WONDERFUL news! Sending prayers & positive thoughts that they can get the ball rolling sooner, rather than later.

[Opti]

I'm going to read the OP later, but  to things are looking up. I hope they continue to improve for you and DD.

[Opti]

Jul 28, 2015 15:31:31 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

I think it has more to do with who can sign her in and all of that.  I'm guessing guardianship wouldn't revert to the state until (wow there's no good way to say this) they are deceased.  

I would guess it would be a bigger deal (more hoops) if the goal was to have the state be her guardian.   And that if DD didn't have a guardian the state would have to be appointed before placement. 

I could of course be totally wrong in this. 

I think you are pretty close to on the money. (Don't know the rules either, so guessing myself.)

I think some people forget that the reason family is desireable in society is that you are connected to people, that you have obligations and responsibilities to others. That government is not the first resort, but hopefully the last. Contary to what many people in the US believe, the government does not like being in the guardianship or parent of last resort business. It costs much dinero. That's why we have all these hoops and programs. And also why it gets suckier and suckier for people like Pat, her DH, and DD when people are convinced using money for social spending is infinitely worse than spending money on the military to go to other countries to kill ISIS and other people. (Steps off soapbox. Sorry. )

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Good luck Pat.

I agree with Rockit, keep waving that you can pay privately for awhile before medicaid kicks in.  It won't happen overnight but I am betting it'll happen "faster" b/c it's a lot easier to deal with sending you the bill than it is to deal with getting the money from the government.

[bobosensei]

Great news, and I hope it all goes quickly and smoothly.  As much as you need a break I am sure that it will be difficult for you to have DD out of the house.  From what you've said about her condition in the past I wonder if she wouldn't do better with more stuff going on around her- more people and such to fulfill the social side of her.  But like you said it's best to listen to the place about how to transition her just make sure they know what happened before.

[zibazinski]

I'm thinking that this will be a good thing for everyone concerned. You need some peace in your life and your husband needs to be at home with you and also in peace. You've done more than most would have done given the same circumstances. It's time for everyone to have a life, including your DD. does she have a clue?

[zibazinski]

She'll be unhappy for awhile. Remember she's used to manipulating the situation and that won't fly in another setting. But eventually she will branch out and become a better person and a happier person.

[Works4me]

If DD is placed, would it be possible for you tomsp never time overseas with DH while he is working?

[cronewitch]

Your DH is right when you get her placed stay away from her for a couple of months. Use your age to get them to work faster if you can. Explain you are almost 70 and need relief. Go to Korea and play with the baby. Get MIL to hire a caregiver to check on her twice a day and tell her where her sister is and just go.

[Opti]

Jul 29, 2015 21:11:22 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

She'll be unhappy for awhile. Remember she's used to manipulating the situation and that won't fly in another setting. But eventually she will branch out and become a better person and a happier person.

I hope like Zib, she would only be unhappy for awhile. Since she is social, she might really enjoy having a good number of other people to talk to daily and may adjust well to living where she is placed. 

Hang in there Pat, and have them explain whatever it is well enough so you understand it. Lots of gotchas in government programs. And qualifications, as you well know.

[seriousthistime]

Everyone is different, but with my friend who has disabled siblings, everyone was happier when the siblings got settled in group homes. The settings are not perfect by any means, but the siblings have more freedom in those settings than they did living with family.  Sometimes that freedom is scary for the non-disabled siblings, but that seems to be the current thought on caring for the disabled, allowing them to live their lives to the fullest within their ability.  I like that concept.  The focus seems to be on ability, however limited it may be, rather than disability. 

[zibazinski]

Change is very hard even for people that don't have issues. It's harder for those that do. But it'll be okay and even better than okay. You're doing the right thing. I'm just sorry you couldn't do it sooner.

[Opti]

Pat, FWIW, I would not leave on vacation until several months after she is placed. Even though it would be painful, I'd stay through the first three months of transition and then take a needed vacation or rest. Once she is placed, you will have some rest time simply because she will not be with you 24x7x365.

And you are correct, first get her placed, then work out the logistics for her and you.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Pat, FWIW, I would not leave on vacation until several months after she is placed. Even though it would be painful, I'd stay through the first three months of transition and then take a needed vacation or rest. Once she is placed, you will have some rest time simply because she will not be with you 24x7x365.

Pats has been waiting years for some relief and normalcy in her life. And she's been wanting to go to Korea to see that new grand-baby & her son for a few months now.

Her DD (once placed) is going to have to be left alone to learn to adjust and get adapted to her new surroundings/environment.

Pats will have to stay away in order to make her transition into a group home environment less difficult. It will be easier for her DD to adapt without Pats being present. It's going to be tough, but it's the only way to make it easier on her daughter.

If Pats is away in Korea, there will be no temptation for her to go to see her DD - until after she's settled-in and more used to her new "home".

It's time for Pats to have a life now - before it's too late. She's spent the last 40+ years dedicating it to her DD 24/7.

[Wisconsin Beth]

And Pat's only taking a couple of weeks in Korea, unless I've missed something. 

[NastyWoman]

ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ     etc., etc.

Since I can only give your post a thumbs-up once I had to repeat it here 

[mmhmm]

Jul 30, 2015 19:06:54 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I listened to the voice mail today and the lady said 1 to 2 weeks to get it . Then they can look at supported living, that's just help in the home, I'm not interested in that or a group home. I have no idea how long that can take. At age 70 they should give more consideration then age 40 or so.

Out of curiosity, what's wrong with the idea of a group home?

[mmhmm]

Jul 30, 2015 19:46:18 GMT -5 @patstab said:

She is going to a group home, we are listening to her ranting and raving right now. Her dad told her to go to her room and shut up.

He told her we have no problem with you living at home, your mom has no problem taking you places, but you are ruining it all

yourself. We can't figure out what she is mad about right now. When she gets this way she talks real quiet and then when she gets

mad she talks so fast you can't figure out what she is saying and its not clear and it doesn't make sense. She went to lunch with grandma and got mad at her because she wouldn't let her loose in Walmart.  Grandma knows about the drug issues and she won't let her go either so she got mad at her and wanted to come home.

Group homes can be terrible some have bad caregivers that's why leaving her a couple of months with no contact could be awful, but I'm going to have to do it.  Honestly the way she is acting I don't see how any place can put up with it. 

She was having raging fits, I got her to take 2 glucose pills and in 10 to 15 minutes she is fine.  Makes no sense, especially when we only had dinner about 20 minutes ago and she ate well.

No, it doesn't make any sense. That's why I'm really wondering if she's not just manipulating the situation to get the pills. That way, she feels in control by getting you to do what she wants. It's such a difficult situation!

[CCL]

Jul 30, 2015 19:53:24 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Jul 30, 2015 19:46:18 GMT -5 @patstab said:

She is going to a group home, we are listening to her ranting and raving right now. Her dad told her to go to her room and shut up.

He told her we have no problem with you living at home, your mom has no problem taking you places, but you are ruining it all

yourself. We can't figure out what she is mad about right now. When she gets this way she talks real quiet and then when she gets

mad she talks so fast you can't figure out what she is saying and its not clear and it doesn't make sense. She went to lunch with grandma and got mad at her because she wouldn't let her loose in Walmart.  Grandma knows about the drug issues and she won't let her go either so she got mad at her and wanted to come home.

Group homes can be terrible some have bad caregivers that's why leaving her a couple of months with no contact could be awful, but I'm going to have to do it.  Honestly the way she is acting I don't see how any place can put up with it. 

She was having raging fits, I got her to take 2 glucose pills and in 10 to 15 minutes she is fine.  Makes no sense, especially when we only had dinner about 20 minutes ago and she ate well.

No, it doesn't make any sense. That's why I'm really wondering if she's not just manipulating the situation to get the pills. That way, she feels in control by getting you to do what she wants. It's such a difficult situation!

I was thinking the same thing. I would be tempted to try a "new glucose pill," aka placebo, to see her reaction. That might tell you something.

You're in a tough spot, for sure. I hope you can get things worked out soon.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

But my husband thinks he can deal with it so much better

While he is home, let him.   You deserve a break and if thinks he can do a better job then he can knock himself out.

It would certainly give him a much better grasp on how serious things are and maybe he can help you get the ball moving faster on getting her placed.

Good luck Pat, I hope things work out well for everyone involved.    It's heartbreaking to read and really drives home what a piss poor job we do in this country for providing for those who truly can't take care of themselve and the family who supports them.

[WholeLottaNothin]

Just from what I know, since my DH works for our state in a group home providing care, they are required to bathe at least every day or two. I don't know if that is the same for private. Does she usually fights baths/showers?

[Opti]

Jul 30, 2015 10:23:01 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Pat, FWIW, I would not leave on vacation until several months after she is placed. Even though it would be painful, I'd stay through the first three months of transition and then take a needed vacation or rest. Once she is placed, you will have some rest time simply because she will not be with you 24x7x365.

Pats has been waiting years for some relief and normalcy in her life. And she's been wanting to go to Korea to see that new grand-baby & her son for a few months now.

Her DD (once placed) is going to have to be left alone to learn to adjust and get adapted to her new surroundings/environment.

Pats will have to stay away in order to make her transition into a group home environment less difficult. It will be easier for her DD to adapt without Pats being present. It's going to be tough, but it's the only way to make it easier on her daughter.

If Pats is away in Korea, there will be no temptation for her to go to see her DD - until after she's settled-in and more used to her new "home".

It's time for Pats to have a life now - before it's too late. She's spent the last 40+ years dedicating it to her DD 24/7.

SL, I think Pat loves her daughter, and I know you and the board are thinking about Pat - the caregiver.

I have had 4 years watching people adjust to new places whether temporary or permanent, at the subacute facility I work for. Some are long term and some patients are considerably more than 30 days stays but usually under a year. I recommended what I did, because I have watched people including Down's syndrome and others adjust to living in the facility. Pat does not need to listen to my recommendation, but frankly, it comes with some experience and knowledge some of you simply do not have.

FWIW.

YMMV.

You all will do whatever you want to anyway.

[Ombud]

Opti, I know you see this first hand so I do value your opinion BUT are you saying that residents are bounced out if the parent / family doesn't hover for a while bc of behavior issues OR that they have a harder time adjusting? IMO that's 2 different things. If the 1st: then hell yeah stay. Don't risk it. If the 2nd: I dunno. Are the tickets bought already?

[Works4me]

Have you ever used a melatonin supplement? I find it really helps with my lupus plus it has no after effects. Melatonin is what the body naturally manufactures that makes us sleepy. It is an OTC supplement.

[Opti]

Aug 2, 2015 11:25:05 GMT -5 Ombud said:

Opti, I know you see this first hand so I do value your opinion BUT are you saying that residents are bounced out if the parent / family doesn't hover for a while bc of behavior issues OR that they have a harder time adjusting? IMO that's 2 different things. If the 1st: then hell yeah stay. Don't risk it. If the 2nd: I dunno. Are the tickets bought already?

I'll be quick and perhaps post more later.

I am saying putting your loved one in a facility and then leaving soon after rarely helps someone adjust quickly especially if they have lived with the caregiver and not been on their own. Some of the folks who have the hardest time adjusting have issues similar to Pat's DD or similar enough. All I meant is, she should if possible, be around for awhile, after she is placed. Some people require true 1 on 1 assistance, and no nursing facility or home is going to provide that. She's basically getting 1 on 1 care now. Its not clear to me that a group home situation will work for her. That's to be seen.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Aug 5, 2015 9:17:35 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Glad to hear you both got some sleep.  I think that may be what you should focus on sorting out for her in the short term.  Sleep is so underrated to our well being. 

I can't like this enough. 

[Green Eyed Lady]

Aug 5, 2015 9:17:35 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Glad to hear you both got some sleep.  I think that may be what you should focus on sorting out for her in the short term.  Sleep is so underrated to our well being. 

I can't like it enough either.  Sleep deprivation wreaks havoc on both your physical and mental well-being. So glad to hear you had a good span of not being interrupted so you could rest.

I have no experience with placements. I guess I would count on the experts at the placement she goes into to tell you what the best course of action is regarding stay/leave or how long to wait to visit, etc. I'm so glad there is some light at the end of your tunnel. I know you love your daughter. That comes through to me in your every post. I know you will worry about her also and that you want her to be taken care of as well as you take care of her. Just remember that you are no good to anybody if you are flat on your back from exhaustion and worry.

You amaze me.  Hoping for the best of all outcomes for you and your family.