Curing Ennui?

[giramomma]

What do you do?

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to: learning new things (but no new hobbies) , time away, day trip with hubby alone, etc..

I'm not depressed.

I'm generally taking care of myself.

I am having a hard time adjusting to working less. I get far less done now, and I don't like it.

But, I'm quickly failing to see the meaning in the work I do. Unfortunately, I can't do what I'd like to be doing...the community center at church needs folks to watch kids so their parents can learn English..or volunteering in the public schools to help kids read. I see these things as more meaningful than making sure the world has another MBA.

I know I need to start getting off the computer more. Usually that helps me. But it's more than that.

[happyhoix]

I would be interested in hearing some responses as well.

I have periods of ennui myself. It just seems to be something that I have to wait for it to pass.

[Nazgul Girl]

   Gira, I know that sometimes we question the reasons why we are working as hard as we do every day, or why we're doing what we do instead of something more worthwhile.   You can find a place to volunteer to help kids, but you also have to help support your family, etc.   There's nothing wrong with getting another MBA, while helping the community.   I have a strong feeling that you can do both.

   It takes awhile to adjust to a change in schedules.   The fact is that more down time gives us more time to think about our problems and/or our pasts.   Hopefully, we have happier things to think about as well.   When I retired, after awhile, I had some terrible nightmares about my divorce and some childhood events.   Those really upset me, but the nightmares also inspired me to go back into therapy, and I'm pretty happy that I made that decision.   

   I also volunteered for literacy tutoring, and my training starts this week.   I also formed some monetary goals, starting with saving $ 16,000 more in four years.   

   I also started publishing money-saving tips on my facebook page.   I don't know if anyone in my circle of family and friends likes them, but maybe someone will.

   Best of luck to you.   I know you'll figure this out.   

[giramomma]

Oct 14, 2014 7:45:19 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

   Gira, I know that sometimes we question the reasons why we are working as hard as we do every day, or why we're doing what we do instead of something more worthwhile.   You can find a place to volunteer to help kids, but you also have to help support your family, etc.   There's nothing wrong with getting another MBA, while helping the community.   I have a strong feeling that you can do both.

Thanks..The MBA isn't for me

My day job is helping people get management type degrees. These are folks being groomed to be future leaders. That's what I meant by the world not needing more MBA types.

[bobosensei]

I understand what you mean about getting far less done even though you are working less.  I have been struggling with this decrease in productivity since we moved and I lost my job two years ago, and even though things are better now I don't see things ever being as good as when I work.  I think this is something I will struggle with in retirement too.  I think part of it is just being prone to procrastination, and when you have more time on your hands you have more of an ability to put things off.  It also makes chores and errands seem more inconvenient to do because you could be doing something else, anything else.

And sometimes it helps to adjust your perspective.  For one thing we can't expect to constantly be thrilled, entertained, and engaged.  I know that isn't what you are saying you want, but I think being too plugged in and seeing a constant stream of social media photos and postings of what looks like everyone's perfect and satisfying life can make others feel less satisfied or even unhappy.  If this is a first for you then maybe a career change will help, but if it seems to be a pattern I would caution you against doing something drastic.

I think you should also reconsider the possibility of being depressed.  Sometimes there are things in your post that sound like depression, so an expert opinion could be helpful and certainly would not hurt anything.  You really don't have anything to lose by looking into it.  I went through a bout of depression as a teenager, and was not aware that I was depressed until years later.

What does your husband say?  My DH is often aware that there is something off with me before I realize it.
  

[Nazgul Girl]

   I see.   I thought that you were going after your MBA.   I respectfully have to disagree, because we need people who could potentially provide others with jobs by starting or growing businesses.   But, there is a certain mindset that many "go-getters" have which can be kind of annoying.   

   We were awakened at 8:05 this morning by a go-getter from Quicken Loans, who wanted to "reduce our mortgage payment rate by 1/8 to 1/4 percent, for just a few simple updates in " our " profile."    We've had a busy few days, with many late nights.   My DH is a sick man.   This is at least fifth call, and I already told the guy that called us last night at 7:00 to not call us again.

   Trust me, after this morning, I would be very surprised if they call us again.  Ever.   I didn't get to bed until 2:00 a.m. last night, and I don't like 8:00 a.m. sales calls that wake us up and upset my husband.  

[Deleted]

I don't know the answer to your question because I generally never sit around and do "nothing."  That includes summers when I'm not working.  I actually don't have a lot of "hobbies," but there is always something that needs to be done.

Maybe the difference is that I'm not looking for work or whatever to make my life meaningful.  It is meaningful just because I'm here, living it.  That sounds conceited, and the world certainly would go on rather well without me.  But while I'm here, the world has meaning for me.

I also wouldn't rule out a mild form of depression. 

[Bonny]

Own some rental properties!

Seriously, I've gone through it each time we've moved and I haven't had a job to organize my life around.

Are you getting any exercise? I found attending a couple of exercise classes in addition to my hiking makes an enormous difference in my outlook.

[Opti]

Oct 14, 2014 7:13:38 GMT -5 giramomma said:

What do you do?

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to: learning new things (but no new hobbies) , time away, day trip with hubby alone, etc..

I'm not depressed.

I'm generally taking care of myself.

I am having a hard time adjusting to working less. I get far less done now, and I don't like it.

But, I'm quickly failing to see the meaning in the work I do. Unfortunately, I can't do what I'd like to be doing...the community center at church needs folks to watch kids so their parents can learn English..or volunteering in the public schools to help kids read. I see these things as more meaningful than making sure the world has another MBA.

I know I need to start getting off the computer more. Usually that helps me. But it's more than that.

Are there times your husband would be home that you can do some of the volunteering

you'd like to do? Perhaps for now there might be some behind the scenes stuff these

organizations need that you can do from home.

Fall is always a rough time for me, there are days I believe I can just feel the plants

dying or drawing in around me. So for me, I try not to take anything in fall that seriously

because often it will pass. Especially if I am not sleeping well and/or my sinus infection

is raging again.

Take care of your health. Maybe walk at least 15 minutes in the morning to get

synced up to the day light. It could be as simple as you really didn't want to reduce

your hours and aren't that happy with your current schedule. I know I find working

FT M-F far easier than any PT job schedule I have had except one. (That one was

perfect T-Th 8 hours a day for a total of 24 hours/wk. If I hadn't needed the money

it would have been an awesome PT job to stay with.)

[Tiny]

I struggle with ennui constantly - or atleast it seems that way. Have since grade school.

The way I cope is to have things to do out into the future. I enjoy live theater/movies kinds of things.
Are there some sort of 'cultural' kind of thing that fits your budget, that would be a different experience, and that maybe you can coax a friend (or relative) into going to? Even if it's just a matinee of a new movie that's out. The thing with ennui is that you may have to make the effort to do something you aren't particularly interested in (due to the ennui). I've found it's best to choose something I haven't done before and I just cope with the feelings of "I'm spending money on something I may not like", "I don't want to do that - it sounds boring/uninteresting", "how is that going to be any different that X,Y, Z, out into infinite that I've already done..." kind of thinking.

Another thing about scheduleing stuff is to schedule your 'chores' or whatever you want to call them.   Write stuff on the calendar, keep a list of the things you need to do.   I've started on my Fall Chores and Fall House Cleaning.  If I didn't have a plan to do the things and a list I'd just come home from work and find ways to fritter my time away all the while feeling bored and wishing something would happen. 

I also found it's important that before I go and do something I just know is gonna be 'awful' that I need to give myself alittle 'pep talk' about NOT being all bored and disconnected or sometimes just negative and that I'm gonna try to find something interesting in the outing/activity.

Not sure what your mobility and $$ situation is but heres some things off my list for combating boredom:

take a walk - and really look at the trees, landscaping, houses, admire people's doggies as they bark at me, etc.
Take a walk at the nature center (take binnoculars - and maybe a slice or two of bread for the ducks) - read the signs, look for wildlife, admire the clouds, whatever.

Find someone to go to lunch with at a restaurant you've never been to. Or plan a 'game night' or 'movie night' or some sort of 'organized' small party and have people over. It's ok if this turns out awful. Awful relieves ennui and it gives you a good story to tell (also a good way to relieve ennui).

Plan to do some small craft project for a holiday WITH friends - maybe do something fun you did as a child. I am now known for have "Do Over" parties - I had a 'deprived' childhood so my friends and I get together and do some silly craft thing that I didn't get to do as a kid - they reminise about their childhood (and the particular craft), we get some shared memories, we have a nice relaxing time.
Join a book club

Read a book you always wanted to but never have time for (if you've got ennui - you've got time).

Watch a movie you always wanted to but never have time for (see above).

Mix up your day... if you normally watch TV in the evenings - watch the DVR'd shows at some other time. Don't watch TV that evening.

Take a look at your local community and see what kind of entertainment things there are to do. Or start following local politics... that's a never ending source of entertainment/amusement for me.

I'd suggest writing down your ideas. I've found that when I'm in the depths of ennui I can think of anything to do... except wallow (well, I come up with questionable stuff that's not really good for me). I go to the list I keep and pick something off it. Even if I don't really 'feel like' doing it. Doing something is better than doing the 'I'm bored!!' thing...

[Tiny]

But, I'm quickly failing to see the meaning in the work I do.

Before enlightenment: Chop Wood Carry Water. After enlightenment: Chop Wood Carry Water


Do a google. Maybe what you need to do is work on is your mindfulness and being mindful even while doing the most ordinary tasks in everyday life.

I find many bits of wisdom for dealing with everyday life in Buddhist philosophy.

[Firebird]

Off-eui?

[Firebird]

Seriously, beats the heck out of me.  I have the same problem.  Good family, basically good job, good money, all the makings of a good life.  But I feel dissatisfied a lot.

The only difference is that there is something I want right now (to move) and we can't yet, so I attribute a lot of my "this sucks, why can't we ever make any forward movement" feeling to that. 

[happyhoix]

Read a book you always wanted to but never have time for (if you've got ennui - you've got time).

Ennui for me has nothing to do with time. I'm usually pretty busy all the time.

Ennui is having upcoming deadlines at work, closets and a utility room at home that won't clean and organize themselves, weeds that won't terminate themselves, kichen cabinets that need painting, a screened porch that needs cleaning and painting, visits to my mom in the assisted living facility in which she will bitch about how much she hates living there, a mammogram and a yearly female dr visit I'm supposed to schedule, a visit from our corporate overlords looming, and all of it seems like pointless drudgery that I don't really give two shits about.

I would like to be happy and joyful about tackling all the chores that come with daily living, but most of the time, I do what I have to do because I have to.

[Lizard Queen]

I had to look up ennui.  I guess I have that too--didn't know there was a word for it.  Lately, using the pomodoro technique has helped me immensely--on the days I actually use it.  I still have tons and tons to do--just not a job that kicks my rear into gear all the time.  I also feel like I'm self-sabotaging, stuck, thought I might have ADD but not really, kind of depressed and just generally a bit of a mess.  
It's probably a mid-life crisis.  
I should go back to my book to straighten out my head a little bit.

[Pants]

Stop helping MBAs.

If no more  MBAs get made, then mine goes up in value and I get richer!

MBA thinking!!!

[giramomma]

Oct 14, 2014 12:07:03 GMT -5 Pants said:

Stop helping MBAs.

If no more  MBAs get made, then mine goes up in value and I get richer!

MBA thinking!!!

I wouldn't mind it so much. But it really bothers me that our future leaders can't follow directions.

I seriously, because they are management they exempt from reading comprehension? And it gets worse every year.

I *shouldn't* have to point things out to them like I do my elementary school aged kids because they don't read.

Or better yet, they turn in 3 assignments before school starts, without actually doing any of the background readings.  Because again, movers and shakers short cut the process? Or is it that they are above doing basic work?

When I was an undergrad student I took some classes offered to MBAs. I wasn't impressed, then, either.


 

[swamp]

Oct 14, 2014 11:45:55 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

Read a book you always wanted to but never have time for (if you've got ennui - you've got time).

Ennui for me has nothing to do with time. I'm usually pretty busy all the time.

Ennui is having upcoming deadlines at work, closets and a utility room at home that won't clean and organize themselves, weeds that won't terminate themselves, kichen cabinets that need painting, a screened porch that needs cleaning and painting, visits to my mom in the assisted living facility in which she will bitch about how much she hates living there, a mammogram and a yearly female dr visit I'm supposed to schedule, a visit from our corporate overlords looming, and all of it seems like pointless drudgery that I don't really give two shits about.

I would like to be happy and joyful about tackling all the chores that come with daily living, but most of the time, I do what I have to do because I have to.

I hear you. My life is one big "I have to" and not very much "I want to."

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've been keeping myself out of it on maternity leave by doing things I keep meaning to get to but never do when I am working.

It's not exciting and not what I would consider "fulfilling" but I was incredibly proud/pleased with myself when I finally organized all my damn shoes and cleaned out our closet. Now I can find all my purses.

I also cleaned out the storage space underneath the couch and organized a shitload of pictures MIL dumped on us. DH and I had a good time going thru the photos. I can believe some of the outfits DH wore as a kid.   Course my 80's children clothes weren't much better.

I'm also embroidering a baby blanket for Abby.   The idea of doing that all day makes DH want to stab himself but for me it's very soothing and I like showing off the finished product.

For me I need to keep myself moving.  Ennui at work usually kicks in around December when I am pretty much finishing all our projects from the summer and waiting for new things to come down the pike.  I HATE compiling data at the end of a project but I have to do it if I want to earn my paycheck.  I much prefer the start of a project when I am more than a button pusher/typist.

[giramomma]

I'm having a great time with my LO right now. I do a good job of living in the moment.

I've been going out for walks when I'm at work for more than 5 hours. (Any shorter that that, and I feel weird leaving the office).

I even use my bus ride to engage in hobbies/self-soothing behaviors.

I think I just don't like other parents/people very much. I don't find here boring.

I find other parents in real life (and other non-school people) boring and frankly disappointing. I'm having a hard time finding my place with DD1's class. (and DD2's preschool).  I found my groove easily and quickly with DS.

I feel terrible, because I want to support DD1 in her endeavors. I don't want her to come back in 10 years and say "You gave me the shaft."

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH and I haven't made any friends with parents.  I've been trying to cultivate a relationship with our new neighbors since they have a daughter around Gwen's age but so far it's going over like a wet blanket.

Probably doesn't help my Aussie thinks their Yorkie is a rabbit and would have ate it when it wandered into our yard if I hadn't body slammed her into the dirt.

Gwen doesn't seem to upset about it at all.   I am starting to think it isn't the end of the world if don't make best buddies with the neighbors.  She's the queen bee at Kids & Co from what I've seen and has friends in class so it's not like the kid is a social pariah.

I am friendly/engaging if I meet other parents which, IMO is what is important.  I am able to maintain good PR with other people.  It's just not going to progress into friend territory.   To be honest I've found over time that most people don't really WANT to progress to "buddies" either but everyone feels like that's what is required of them.   If we're meant to be friends it'll happen without us trying to force it.

I find I am much happier when I embrace that I am an "outsider" and socialize on my terms rather than what I tend to think society expects of me.  I can play the role of extrovert when I need to, but I am done trying to force myself to make friends because I feel obligated to otherwise there is something wrong with me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And you can be supportive without having to be a school volunteer. I'd rather stick a pencil in my ear than volunteer at the school in any form. My parents are the same way.

But they came to every stupid elementary school pageant.   They came to all my plays in high school.    While they may never have been a chaperone on a field trip or a room mother (I'll be honest I don't know what this is really) they were there when it counted, IMO.  I don't feel I got the shaft because my mom was never part of the PTA posse.

Gwen is going to be doing speech therapy.   DH and I are fully onboard with the teacher in the process.   This to me is far more important than volunteering in her classroom.   Improving her speech is going to lead to opening doors to a lot of activities she couldn't do now.

  Honestly the idea of being in a room full of pre-schoolers gives me nightmares.  Hats off to anyone who can do that without becoming an alcoholic.

[Angel!]

All I can think of is just taking a break.  Take some time off & do what you want, not what you have to do.  And also start listing things you are grateful for, focus on the good in your life rather than where it is lacking.

[Peace Of Mind]

You can't cure Ennui.  You have to embrace it and put your hands around it's neck and choke the living hell out of it until you are happy and content again. 

[cronewitch]

So far this is my retirement. I don't want to do anything. I hired out my chores because I didn't want to do them so today I have been drinking coffee and on the internet all day while my handyman is working outdoors reinstalling my screens and storm windows. I should go shopping because it is Tuesday not because I want anything in particular but last day for this weeks ad, I might not buy anything just stay home wait for tomorrow's add. I have been reading old books I already had but mostly sitting in this same chair going to the same websites. It has been about three weeks since I talked to my family, I am afraid if I call I would do nothing but sound whiny. My investments are down almost 100K but I still have so much left nobody will feel sorry for me but I can't think of anything really happy to talk about. I could go to the senior center but the handyman is here and I need to be here to pay him later.

I keep thinking I am in a prison but it is my own making, the cell isn't locked but I feel locked in this one room. I could go see ISO but I need these chores to get done .

[Deleted]

GIra I work in a 5-year MBA program and I definitely share your pain LOL! It's amazing how some of these future "movers and shakers" can't follow even very simple instructions! 

You can do anything, but you can't do everything, and not at the same time. I think you've decided to go back to school. Also, your kids (especially your youngest) are still very young!

Three (concrete) things that I/we have done that have helped us get through the "ennui":

- I worked in the same job for 23 years. 5 years in one place, 18 in the other. I was so bored I wanted to put a bullet through my brain. The job moved from central Paris (45 m commute each way) to another suburb, in another direction (1h45m commute each way). The company (press group) was in bad financial shape, they offered a payout to anyone whose commute was lengthened by 20 min due to their move. I obviously qualified, and I took the payout. I reconverted myself from a print journalist to an ESL teacher. I took a year off (which was a mistake, I should have taken less time off.) It took me a while to get the job I have now though. 

- DH and I joined an (amateur) theater troupe. I'll be honest with you and tell you this has not been without its own issues. We can both act and sing. But, DH is one of maybe 5-6 men. I'm one of about 30 women, and I'm middle-aged. So, DH always gets a starring role, I don't. But, it's still a lot of fun, and we have met a new group of people.

- DH finally bit the bullet and bought another motorcycle. He had one 20+ years ago when we first got together, then he sold it. My kids are MUCH older than yours, and two of them are out of the house. When we find ourselves with some free time and our DS3 (who has a much more active social life than we do LOL) is out, we just hop on and go off exploring. 

Obviously, the motorcycle idea wouldn't suit your family because of your kids' ages. But I think starting school with help shake you out of it, and one day your kids will get older, and there will be other options.

All the best!

ETA: I also remember that you had 3 jobs ... frankly, I think it's a blessing in disguise if you lost one. I think you'd do better to invest your energy into one or two of them (I don't know the details), but not 3, and spend the rest of the time to evaluate, and go for, your own personal goals. 

[Deleted]

Oct 14, 2014 16:52:17 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

So far this is my retirement. I don't want to do anything. I hired out my chores because I didn't want to do them so today I have been drinking coffee and on the internet all day while my handyman is working outdoors reinstalling my screens and storm windows. I should go shopping because it is Tuesday not because I want anything in particular but last day for this weeks ad, I might not buy anything just stay home wait for tomorrow's add. I have been reading old books I already had but mostly sitting in this same chair going to the same websites. It has been about three weeks since I talked to my family, I am afraid if I call I would do nothing but sound whiny. My investments are down almost 100K but I still have so much left nobody will feel sorry for me but I can't think of anything really happy to talk about. I could go to the senior center but the handyman is here and I need to be here to pay him later.

I keep thinking I am in a prison but it is my own making, the cell isn't locked but I feel locked in this one room. I could go see ISO but I need these chores to get done .

You have pretty much described my life since I retired!  It is so close it is eerie.  
Maybe we are the same person in some weird parallel universe kind of thing.

[cronewitch]

It is 6:45 and dark but I didn't go shopping. I need to put the garbage out by the curb but only have less than half a wastebasket full, I didn't take it out last week, i don't make much garbage.

I wish I had something important to do but then I wouldn't want to do it. I was just thinking about being a foster parent, I never had kids so wouldn't know how. Since I am 66 I am too old to have a forever kid but maybe emergency foster for newborns then in a month or two give them back all fat and happy. I don't know how to change a diaper since they are disposable instead of the kind with the dangerous pins we used when I babysat in the 60s but I am sure I could learn. Kids come with instructions don't they? It would be fun to fix up my guest room into a nursery and have a cute little baby to play with. My niece keeps getting new ones but she had two before she started then got older kids, she adopted some of them the last one she got as a newborn but adopted when he was 4. So now she has 5 plus foster babies. I bet fostering is too much paperwork to be worth it. I could just advertise and someone would give me a baby to play with while they were at work or maybe a kid about 7 before and after school, if I was mad at them I could just make them do homework. I think only the shopping to fix up a nursery would be fun not the care giving so maybe not.

[Angel!]

cronewitch - have you thought about volunteering? There has to be something you could volunteer for that will give you a sense of purpose and a reason to get out of the house a few hours a week.

[cronewitch]

I was working at Northwest Harvest 2 hours a day 2 days a week but then that is where I met my handyman. Now he is working at my house almost everyday and I was to use him as much as I can while he is available. He only charges me $10 a hour to do all my chores. I am afraid if I don't keep him busy he will find something else to do like heading south for the winter or taking a job. He is homeless and sleeping outdoors so he could get tired of that. I will never offer to let him stay at my house even to sleep in a shed or the back of a pick up truck in a carport because I like being alone and it is too hard to get rid of people. Tomorrow he is taking the day off, he rides his bicycle to a storage locker to get clean clothes then rides to a place with showers then back to the storage locker so a shower takes him 4 hours. I have two full bathrooms it would be easy to allow him to shower here and sleep on my couch but I wouldn't ever be comfortable in my own home. I don't like having him here all day so tomorrow I will go shopping and be gone as long as I want. When he his here I have to go to the hardware store but then come right back to bring him things so feel restricted, when he is gone for the day I am tired. I just took a long bath reading in the tub, can't do that with a worker in the house.

Northwest harvest packs food for food banks. We take 50lb bags of rice or pasta or something and make one pound packages. It is work a simple machine could do they are wasting volunteer time. School kids and scouts and companies like to send groups of volunteers so they make this busy work. I don't feel the labor is even worth a dollar an hour but free labor they don't care. Gives them a new group 4 times a day to tell about the mission. I did it for about 7 months and didn't really make new friends or anything and didn't feel useful besides it was too hot in the summer.

I don't care about charities, can't think of any I support. Paying my handyman $80 a day 3-5 days a week is partly charity but he is blowing it all on food pretty much but at least he isn't suffering too much from being homeless. This week he rehung my storm windows he washed and later will put molding around my new kitchen door and floor and hang new blinds. Homeless always say they will work for food but I found one who will.