nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 13, 2014 19:02:32 GMT -5
Hired the attorney I saw today, I have been a state of horrible anxiety all day. Cried all through the meeting, do not feel at all confident in my decision. I am sad, angry, rejected, abandoned and broken. I don't feel I will ever, ever trust any one again.
|
|
Jake 48
Senior Member
keeping the faith
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:06:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,337
|
Post by Jake 48 on Aug 13, 2014 19:11:22 GMT -5
|
|
Spellbound454
Senior Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Sept 9, 2011 17:28:42 GMT -5
Posts: 4,096
|
Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 13, 2014 19:16:01 GMT -5
Stay strong nutty. If this is truly what you want...then you must do what you must.
There is no point in falling apart....just too many pieces to pick up.
Look after yourself....and cut yourself some slack. Its hurts....but it will get better after a while.
..and the sun will still come up tomorrow.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Aug 13, 2014 19:21:18 GMT -5
That's how many people feel when divorce becomes inevitable, nutty. They survive and grow from the experience. So will you. It just takes time and perseverance. Have faith in yourself.
|
|
ArchietheDragon
Junior Associate
Joined: Jul 7, 2014 14:29:23 GMT -5
Posts: 6,379
|
Post by ArchietheDragon on Aug 13, 2014 19:47:23 GMT -5
you've always got me.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Aug 13, 2014 19:50:48 GMT -5
I'm sorry nutty. That must be very hard.
|
|
flutterby
Familiar Member
Joined: Jan 22, 2013 9:16:42 GMT -5
Posts: 738
|
Post by flutterby on Aug 13, 2014 19:53:34 GMT -5
Nutty, ending such a long marriage is really, really hard. You're bound to be emotional. I agree with the others; just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get through it.
But.... divorce is also a huge, life-changing decision. If he definitely wants this then there's nothing you can do but look after yourself. If you're not sure and neither is he, then I'd say let this be a wake-up call. Maybe it really is over, but if you both have doubts about this decision then there's no need to rush into a divorce. Take as much time as you need to be absolutely positive this is what's best.
Either way, hugs and good luck to you.
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Aug 13, 2014 20:11:46 GMT -5
As long as you've been juggling this hard decision, I'm glad you're finally taking actual steps to move forward.
Will it be difficult? Sure. But now that the wheels are in motion, you can start to focus on a new (and much happier/peaceful) future.
Don't agonize this first step - try to hold yourself together and understand that it's for your own betterment and peace - it won't happen tomorrow, but as you work through the legalities and get yourself re-established, you will find your peace once all is said and done.
I had to leave an abusive marriage - it wasn't always that way, just in the last couple of years - and it was painful because I remembered the man I'd fallen in love with and married, not the one he'd become. My situation is different than yours, but if I'd stayed, I probably wouldn't be here to type this message today.
You will survive and come out on the other side stronger than when you entered this dark tunnel.
Trust me - there IS light at the other end of that tunnel. You've been unhappy with your situation for a long time - dragging your feet, hoping things would improve.
Now that reality is setting in, you can start to take one step at a time to move ahead. YOU CAN DO IT.
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 13, 2014 20:31:33 GMT -5
Hired the attorney I saw today, I have been a state of horrible anxiety all day. Cried all through the meeting, do not feel at all confident in my decision. I am sad, angry, rejected, abandoned and broken. I don't feel I will ever, ever trust any one again. I've lost track so please forgive my stupid questions. Did you do this because you wanted to? Why are you filing and not him? Didn't he want the divorce and not you or do you want it too? If it makes you feel any better it's not easy for the person who wants the divorce either. At least it wasn't for me. The guilt about killed me and it took a good 5 years for me to finally get over that part of it. Breaking somebody's heart is not fun but neither is having your heart broken. It all sucks. They say nothing worth doing is ever easy so hopefully this was worth doing and you will grow significantly from this experience. You seem to have been completely bindsided by him wanting to leave so my only suggestion would be to try to stay more aware in the future and work on your communication skills. I hope you fall in love again one day and that it's with the right person but take it slowly before you remarry. I found the right person very soon but we lived together for 5 years before we married. It was my choice to do that and I think it was the best decision for us. You will get through this but you won't be unscathed by it.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 28,098
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 13, 2014 20:43:22 GMT -5
to you. This has to be difficult.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 10:22:33 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2014 20:55:47 GMT -5
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 13, 2014 20:58:03 GMT -5
I am filing because I feel I have to, I am not really sure he would actually file for whatever reason that may be, that is just the impression I get. He tells our daughter he can't come up with the 500 to file and I do not think that is true, I believe he can. The cynical and suspicious side of me thinks he is getting stuff together or waiting for his bonus to hire an attorney then I will be served. I happen to feel it is in my best interest to file first.
Edit: I want to get it rolling while he is agreeable. He is not communicating with me and I am not communicating with him either. I don't really feel up to being in limbo, but I also don't really feel I made the right decision at this time either.
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 29,239
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on Aug 13, 2014 22:15:54 GMT -5
<HUGS> It's o.k. to grieve. Take your time!
|
|
skubikky
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 7:37:12 GMT -5
Posts: 3,044
|
Post by skubikky on Aug 14, 2014 5:56:20 GMT -5
Hang in there kiddo....there are better days ahead.
|
|
mamasita99
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 5:42:27 GMT -5
Posts: 1,623
|
Post by mamasita99 on Aug 14, 2014 6:42:19 GMT -5
Hang in there kiddo....there are better days ahead. You will learn something from this experience, and use it to grow into a stronger person.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 21,580
|
Post by happyhoix on Aug 14, 2014 6:54:11 GMT -5
I am filing because I feel I have to, I am not really sure he would actually file for whatever reason that may be, that is just the impression I get. He tells our daughter he can't come up with the 500 to file and I do not think that is true, I believe he can. The cynical and suspicious side of me thinks he is getting stuff together or waiting for his bonus to hire an attorney then I will be served. I happen to feel it is in my best interest to file first. Edit: I want to get it rolling while he is agreeable. He is not communicating with me and I am not communicating with him either. I don't really feel up to being in limbo, but I also don't really feel I made the right decision at this time either. This is reversable action. If it's the wrong decision, if this is the push your H needs to reflect a bit, and his reflection makes him realize he doesn't really want to go this route, and the two of you decide to try to counseling instead, that can still happen. Heck I know a few couples that got divorced, lived apart for several years, and then eventually got back together again. On the other hand, if things do proceed forward to the divorce, at least you aren't in limbo anymore. At least you are free to cut ties and move forward with your own life. Change is often terrifying, but also, it's often absolutely necessary. You may look back five years from now and wish you'd done this sooner. Good luck!
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Aug 14, 2014 8:16:36 GMT -5
I am filing because I feel I have to, I am not really sure he would actually file for whatever reason that may be, that is just the impression I get. He tells our daughter he can't come up with the 500 to file and I do not think that is true, I believe he can. The cynical and suspicious side of me thinks he is getting stuff together or waiting for his bonus to hire an attorney then I will be served. I happen to feel it is in my best interest to file first. Edit: I want to get it rolling while he is agreeable. He is not communicating with me and I am not communicating with him either. I don't really feel up to being in limbo, but I also don't really feel I made the right decision at this time either. Nutty - I think is a very smart and proactive move on you part. Of course it's normal to be sad, but try to allow some feelings of accomplishment creep in if you can. You need to get him to commit to some support while the feelings may still be fresh. If you wait too long, or wait for him to take actions, he may not feel as obligated to help your transition as he does now. If you are sure about this, do NOT allow it to drag out.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 14, 2014 8:20:14 GMT -5
Of course you're sad. It's a DEATH, of sorts, at least the death of a dream. Mourn it and go on. It's a stage and one you will visit again from time to time. I still do and my divorce was a good thing for me and mine.
|
|
Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
|
Post by Artemis Windsong on Aug 14, 2014 8:36:02 GMT -5
The crying and anger are natural parts of the separation emotions. What I used to do is shut the door to my bedroom and pound the h*ll out of a pillow to get all of those stuffed emotions out. I went from a SAHM to supporting two kids. Another hurdle is not having someone there who has your best interests in mind; you can rely on to help bounce ideas off of; or what is happening in life. The emotional connection and someone to hold/hug you. It's emotionally rough. I would suggest watching comedians to get some laughter back.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Aug 14, 2014 9:41:38 GMT -5
Of course you're sad. It's a DEATH, of sorts, at least the death of a dream. Mourn it and go on. It's a stage and one you will visit again from time to time. I still do and my divorce was a good thing for me and mine. I was the one who initiated divorce and was 1000% sure it was the right thing to do. And the day it was finalized was the best day of my life (up to that point). That doesn't mean I didn't feel exquisite pain throughout the process and that I didn't fall apart sobbing most days during that time. I agree divorce is like a death, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to go through it because the death is better than the alternative. That doesn't mean it isn't horribly painful, though.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 14, 2014 10:17:36 GMT -5
<HUGS> It's o.k. to grieve. Take your time! And be kind to yourself.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 10:22:33 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 10:34:57 GMT -5
Welcome to the roller coaster. I still get blindsided with sadness over my first divorce and that was 10 years ago. It IS like a death, because I really can't imagine being married to my first husband anymore. It actually feels weird to even think of it, but what we had/what we were is gone. I really, really miss that sometimes. I also really miss current ex sometimes, aside from the birth of my kids, my wedding day to him was the happiest day of my life. It was incredible. First year of marriage also great. Then it started to crumble. Now that fairy tale is just a memory and I'll never have a normal family life which kind of sucks, but I can't change that. There are worse things.
|
|
greeniis10
Well-Known Member
Joined: May 9, 2012 12:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 1,834
Member is Online
|
Post by greeniis10 on Aug 14, 2014 10:56:42 GMT -5
Hang in there, nutty and don't doubt yourself! This is an incredibly difficult thing to go through, but you also didn't deserve the neglect and disinterest your husband was putting you through.
You're MUCH better off just keeping things progressing rather than staying in limbo, which is exactly what you said. Sounds like you know what you're doing!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 10:22:33 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:43:38 GMT -5
There will be different things along the way that make the whole thing a bit more "real" and will hit you. Filing, getting the divorce, seeing them with someone else, being with someone else yourself...it's not all the time but every once in a while something just hits you. I think it is more about the loss of the dream rather than the loss of the reality.
|
|
Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
|
Post by Artemis Windsong on Aug 14, 2014 14:45:24 GMT -5
Yoga is good for healing. There are a lot of videos on youtube.
I love the class I'm in. It's all about relaxing and me.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 14, 2014 15:07:50 GMT -5
I feel a little better today. In my few moments of good will I do think he was courageous to out us. That doesn't last long though I actually think I hate him sometimes, the anger is so intense. I freely admit to my failings in the marriage. I can't really go into a lot of details as it was so many conversations and months but I have thought back on the last months and I saw that he was willing to work things out at the beginning however I over reacted terribly. My fault his fault Basically it is our failing to tend to our marriage. So for that I am sad, very sad. I still hold out some hope that we can work it out but I am also willing and able to move on if it doesn't. I have too, I have not gone through this life this far with all the crap I have been through to give up now. I have a life full of love with my children and my beautiful Scarlett, I am taking two classes this term to get my AA then onto a BSW and MSW, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 21,580
|
Post by happyhoix on Aug 14, 2014 17:06:30 GMT -5
Sounds like you're headed in the right direction!
I've known some couples that really should have divorced. It felt like walking into a battlefield when you went to their house. Even the pets were traumatized. Couldn't say a single nice thing about the other one, blamed each other for everything, couldn't even be civil in front of visitors.
Staying in a piss poor marriage is far worse than being divorced.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Aug 14, 2014 19:01:38 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your kinds words, from the bottom of my heart. As I go through this I am glad I am here.
|
|
Plain Old Petunia
Senior Member
bloom where you are planted
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 2:09:44 GMT -5
Posts: 4,840
|
Post by Plain Old Petunia on Aug 14, 2014 19:04:22 GMT -5
Hired the attorney I saw today, I have been a state of horrible anxiety all day. Cried all through the meeting, do not feel at all confident in my decision. I am sad, angry, rejected, abandoned and broken. I don't feel I will ever, ever trust any one again. Hang in there nutty, it gets better.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 14, 2014 19:08:03 GMT -5
Sorry to hear it, but hopefully one day you'll look back and be happy.
|
|