Things I want to say but would probably get fired

[Sam_2.0]

It's Friday. People are getting on my nerves. So I figured I would kick this off and let you all chime in

Long-time customer who is upset that we won't refund her deposit due to poor payment history
"I REALLY wish there was another company in town to go to! Then you all wouldn't have my business any more!"
Me too, lady. Then we wouldn't HAVE to serve you and you could take your poor paying habits somewhere else.

"But I've been a customer for x-amount of years!"
Yes, but you aren't a good customer. You don't win points for being a long-term customer by staying in your home for several years. You still have to pay your bills.

"I have four children. What are they supposed to do without electricity for a WHOLE DAY"
Um, I don't know. Take them to a park? Play with them? Find a way to interact with them that does not involve letting the TV babysit?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you want things done right don't sit on your ass for 4 years then throw things at me demanding I hurry up because you're about to get bitch slapped by a higher authority.

[giramomma]

Supervisor, it would be really nice if just for once, you'd call out your favorite when you know darn well she takes credit for things I do. For once it would be nice to here "No, Favorite, Gira did xyz, not you."
 
Supervisor F*ck you for coming in early after our room got painted so that you could put your favorite's furniture back together and just let mine sit in the middle of the room. Because your favoritism wasn't blatant enough.

And to the other parts of our department, f*ck you for wasting your time. I'm taking on extra work for you, that I can't get out of, because you are overworked. I'm sorry, I missed the memo where talking about alcoholic drinks with cucumbers in them for the third time in two hours is "work."

[Blonde Granny]

I always wanted to say to someone...Why don't you go tell someone who cares?

[Peace Of Mind]

I no longer work but I still have things I want to say to people like:   I'm sorry I'm not like you.  I'm sorry that I don't enjoy spending every weekend with you, your kids, your family, doing what only you want to do all while inhaling your cigarette smoke. 

Oh yeah -  I did say it to them and quit answering their phone calls too.  Woot! 

One down!  And I feel so free! 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

conspiracy theories that range from someone controlling the water supply trying to kill people off to your boss setting you up so he can fire you

"Now that you mention it the boss DID say something the other day about firing someone. Something about framing them for controling the city's water supply. . ."

[NancysSummerSip]

Things I want to say to my office manager (in bold) and my reasoning:

Why do you always ask me questions, then respond with, "Oh, I already know that."
(If you already freaking knew the answer, why did you waste any of my precious seconds of existence on earth asking?)

What is it in your brain that triggers you to open your mouth and allow crap to flow out before another human being has the chance to finish their sentence?
(Because whatever that trigger is, I'd like to see it harnessed for better use. Maybe as a weapon of mass destruction against despotic leaders of vicious terrorist groups.)

How long have you been color-blind and fashion-challenged, and does it run in the family?
(That pink and orange polyester muu-muu and those blue slides are so...so...not part of any known decade. If you showed up on E!'s Fashion Police show, Joan Rivers' jaw would actually hit the floor, thus returning her face to its normal position.)

[mmhmm]

Oh, supreme doctor, Intellect of the Universe, what is it about "NO!" you're failing to understand?

[Deleted]

Things I want to say but would probably get fired:

"You know what, you are one evil bitch".

Pretty much everything else I want to say, I say it. If I think a rule or process is stupid, I say it, but I usually don't actually use the word stupid. I can express my opinion on work related things without fear of being fired. I don't express my opinions about people as freely. That would definitely cause me some problems.

[Sam_2.0]

I really REALLY don't care if you all want to focus on "culture" around here, but I sure as heck am done being on the party planning committee. I hate doing it, and people just bitch about it anyway. Let's work on the actual "culture" - you know, flexible work arrangements, better maternity leave, etc.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I had a regular customer jokingly ask me for a complaint form the other day when a special order he put in took a little while to get here.  I typed the following in a word doc and handed it to him.  I've been half tempted to hand them to other people who are obnoxious.

Complaints about {insert business name} employees, actions, or problems in the store may be written below.  They will be read by corporate while drinking a couple beers, and promptly ignored.  Feel free to bitch below, I need something to liven up my Saturday nights.

P.S.  Go fuck yourself.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Sam_2.0]

I want to laugh when people say they will go to the news or the BBB with their complaint. Um, those outlets have no authority over anything, and you do realize they ask the business for their side of the story as well? I've seen what people have to pay to be a part of the BBB. Seems like a nice racket they have going on over there.

ETA - I now don't trust any BBB rankings or news stories that I hear either.

[MJ2.0]

To the retail group: your shit does stink, so quit walking around like it doesn't!  You're so busy making sure everyone knows how much profit you bring this company that you don't realize that you are getting in your own way by not cooperating with wholesale!  Let your product sit in the warehouse - I'm not losing a bit of sleep over the sales you're not getting.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Dear Fat Tech Guy Who Sits Around Eating Fried Food All Day And Does No Work: 
If you're tired of me asking questions about when shit is going to get done, maybe you should actually do something useful so you'll have a fucking legitimate answer for me instead of the bullshit story you try to weave to inflate your lack of actual accomplishments. I hate you, your laziness, your obesity, your judgmental attitude toward anyone who uses the internet (because you think you're morally superior and anyone who uses the internet must be worshiping the devil), and your implication that you should be allowed to teach students even though you've never fucking gone college and don't know the first thing about child development. 
Sincerely, 
Pissed Off Chloe.

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2014 15:34:19 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

It's Friday. People are getting on my nerves. So I figured I would kick this off and let you all chime in

Long-time customer who is upset that we won't refund her deposit due to poor payment history
"I REALLY wish there was another company in town to go to! Then you all wouldn't have my business any more!"
Me too, lady. Then we wouldn't HAVE to serve you and you could take your poor paying habits somewhere else.

"But I've been a customer for x-amount of years!"
Yes, but you aren't a good customer. You don't win points for being a long-term customer by staying in your home for several years. You still have to pay your bills.

"I have four children. What are they supposed to do without electricity for a WHOLE DAY"
Um, I don't know. Take them to a park? Play with them? Find a way to interact with them that does not involve letting the TV babysit?

I've said that before to a supervisor at my utility company. I'd been on the phone with an employee that was very rude. The problem was that I got a bill where they said they'd been billing me incorrectly for my gas usage for the past 3 or 4 years and I had to pay some exorbiant amount to keep my services on. When I called to try to understand the problem, the woman I spoke to was rude, as if I'd done something wrong. Ever since I'd moved in, I'd paid the amount they said I owed every month. I'd never tampered with my meter or anything like that. How was I suppose to know the bills were wrong? And how was my bill wrong every month for YEARS before they "discovered" it? By the time I decided I didn't want to talk to the rude woman anymore and asked to speak to her supervisor, I was VERY disgruntled and wished I could just tell them all to kiss my ass, I wasn't paying shit. I never did understand how that could have happened, but I had no choice but to pay it if I wanted electricity, gas and water.

[midjd]

Dear powers-that-be: 

Just because you decided that the working hours system you created a number of years ago isn't "fair" when compared to other agencies doesn't mean you get to reneg and tack on an extra half-hour to our workday without adjusting our pay, PTO, or other benefits. You think morale is bad now? Just wait.

(PS - if you want to make our branch of government more comparable to the others, you might take a look at our annual raises (if we get them at all) being 3-6% lower than the raises in the other branches...)

Actually, I did say all that to my boss, but he's not the one who made the rules (and he agrees with me) so it was OK. 

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2014 16:29:22 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Dear Fat Tech Guy Who Sits Around Eating Fried Food All Day And Does No Work: 
If you're tired of me asking questions about when shit is going to get done, maybe you should actually do something useful so you'll have a fucking legitimate answer for me instead of the bullshit story you try to weave to inflate your lack of actual accomplishments. I hate you, your laziness, your obesity, your judgmental attitude toward anyone who uses the internet (because you think you're morally superior and anyone who uses the internet must be worshiping the devil), and your implication that you should be allowed to teach students even though you've never fucking gone college and don't know the first thing about child development. 
Sincerely, 
Pissed Off Chloe.

Chloe must be REALLY irritated. I don't think I've ever seen her use such language.

[Sam_2.0]

Jul 25, 2014 16:31:06 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Jul 25, 2014 15:34:19 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

It's Friday. People are getting on my nerves. So I figured I would kick this off and let you all chime in

Long-time customer who is upset that we won't refund her deposit due to poor payment history
"I REALLY wish there was another company in town to go to! Then you all wouldn't have my business any more!"
Me too, lady. Then we wouldn't HAVE to serve you and you could take your poor paying habits somewhere else.

"But I've been a customer for x-amount of years!"
Yes, but you aren't a good customer. You don't win points for being a long-term customer by staying in your home for several years. You still have to pay your bills.

"I have four children. What are they supposed to do without electricity for a WHOLE DAY"
Um, I don't know. Take them to a park? Play with them? Find a way to interact with them that does not involve letting the TV babysit?

I've said that before to a supervisor at my utility company. I'd been on the phone with an employee that was very rude. The problem was that I got a bill where they said they'd been billing me incorrectly for my gas usage for the past 3 or 4 years and I had to pay some exorbiant amount to keep my services on. When I called to try to understand the problem, the woman I spoke to was rude, as if I'd done something wrong. Ever since I'd moved in, I'd paid the amount they said I owed every month. I'd never tampered with my meter or anything like that. How was I suppose to know the bills were wrong? And how was my bill wrong every month for YEARS before they "discovered" it? By the time I decided I didn't want to talk to the rude woman anymore and asked to speak to her supervisor, I was VERY disgruntled and wished I could just tell them all to kiss my ass, I wasn't paying shit. I never did understand how that could have happened, but I had no choice but to pay it if I wanted electricity, gas and water.

Yeah, I hate when that happens and definitely understand why people get pissed about it. Shoot, I would be too! Thankfully that's less than .05% of the meters we have each year or less. There should be a limit on how far back they can go too - most states cap it at 12 months even if the meter was wrong longer than that.

But to just get mad that we won't give a deposit back after nearly a decade of bad payment just because you think we've held it long enough doesn't cut it

[kittensaver]

Dear Development Director: stop being such a G*D* control freak. No, you do NOT need to be the keeper of the collected cash for the retirement gift for the boss. The clerk in the Accounting Department can do that just fine, thank you - and he will report the totals to you, so no worries. Besides, the last time you played keeper of the cash with me for a fundraiser, after 4 1/2 months of waiting and politely hounding you for the totals, the boss and I had to unlock your drawer and count and deposit the cash ourselves. And you were so ticked off you almost quit. Frankly, I wish you had. Please don't make me end-round you again . . . . grrrrrrrrrrr

[billisonboard]

"In place of the "cute" little snow globe likes yours that you gave me to shake and have settle down before I say something to someone who is irritating me, how about I shake you instead?"

[Blonde Granny]

These are just priceless!!!

[busymom]

Dear Manager from a Previous Job:

You've done the least amount of work of any manager who has ever worked at this location. You hide in your office, & leisurely eat your fast food breakfast, while bringing underlings into your office, & telling them they aren't accomplishing enough work. I have never worked for anyone lazier than you, & hope our paths will never cross again. P.S. What do you have on the district manager? They think you're the best thing EVER.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 25, 2014 16:34:53 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Jul 25, 2014 16:29:22 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Dear Fat Tech Guy Who Sits Around Eating Fried Food All Day And Does No Work: 
If you're tired of me asking questions about when shit is going to get done, maybe you should actually do something useful so you'll have a fucking legitimate answer for me instead of the bullshit story you try to weave to inflate your lack of actual accomplishments. I hate you, your laziness, your obesity, your judgmental attitude toward anyone who uses the internet (because you think you're morally superior and anyone who uses the internet must be worshiping the devil), and your implication that you should be allowed to teach students even though you've never fucking gone college and don't know the first thing about child development. 
Sincerely, 
Pissed Off Chloe.

Chloe must be REALLY irritated. I don't think I've ever seen her use such language.

Yeah, I didn't use that language at work, but the temper was there. I've never been so mad a person for all of that before. Usually, it's a situation that causes anxiety/animosity, but in this case it's the actual person, their behavior, and their interactions with me that have made me that angry. 

[gawgagranny]

Dear incessantly chattering Co - workers: SHUT UP AND GET YOUR WORK DONE!!!!!

[Deleted]

 Really?

Let's see you do it like that.

[Regis]

A few months ago, we got a very large project that needed to be done in 60 days.  I told our company president that we couldn't get it done due to our then-current workload.  She responded that she was accepting the project and we'd have to find a way to get it done.  I asked her if I could tell her "I told you so" when the project couldn't be completed by the deadline.

Fast forward to today.  Our whole department has been working 60-70 hours per week.  The project was due today.  It is not done.  I walked into the president's office and said, "The project is not done.  I told you so."  

I didn't get fired.

[ZaireinHD]

Why do you always ask me questions, then respond with, "Oh, I already know that."
(If you already freaking knew the answer, why did you waste any of my precious seconds of existence on earth asking?)

Nancy! dang! I am soooo there!!

how about when when ex-best friend would ask for me to pick the place to go out to eat!
she would say lets go out to eat, anywhere you want!
I love TGI Fridays! I would suggest there!
she would say - nooo I went last week
ok? how about the diner next to work
she would say nooo don't want to drive out that way!
ok- so ummm... how about you pick a place?

[Nazgul Girl]

  I actually retired ( it was coming anyway ) rather than finally blurt the following out to my boss: " You're an inept, dumb-ass, pathetic, backstabbing, waste of a supervisory position.   I can't stand you, but mostly, I think that your empty, scheming head and lack of coding skills is slowly killing your 1/4 of the coding division.   Please drive out of this building's parking lot, and never show your face around here again.   Lice live in your brain.  "       However, I'm done and I never have to see the unpleasant ( ! ) dear again.

[Nazgul Girl]

Jul 25, 2014 15:50:51 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Oh, supreme doctor, Intellect of the Universe, what is it about "NO!" you're failing to understand?

    Isn't that supposed to be,  " Oh Supreme god-like Doctor SIR, Intellect of the Universe, what is it about "NO!" you're failing to understand ? "

    Maybe that would get through to their brains.

[mmhmm]

Jul 25, 2014 19:03:31 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

Jul 25, 2014 15:50:51 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Oh, supreme doctor, Intellect of the Universe, what is it about "NO!" you're failing to understand?

    Isn't that supposed to be,  " Oh Supreme god-like Doctor SIR, Intellect of the Universe, what is it about "NO!" you're failing to understand ? "

    Maybe that would get through to their brains.

That would do nicely, as well! 
Another one I thought of:

Dear ER patient:  I realize you're peeved because your sore toe doesn't outrank a stroke, two heart attacks, and a baby who can't breathe. However, if you point that cane at me one more time, I'm going to jerk it from your hand and beat you senseless with it. Think of it this way: I'll do everything I can to see that your traumatic injuries are serious enough to fast-track your useless butt!