should I confront her or let it go?

[Deleted]

Hello this is my first post. Let me first tell you that I have been very insecure in my marriage for a very long time. It has nothing to do with my wife as I was cheated on alot growing up. Now my wife and I have not been very close lately and she spend alot of time on social media so I figured I would see what she was up to. I looked through the stuff and found messages from another guy she supposedly works with the messages were not much to worry about one was talking about him having sex with his wife and another was him twlling my wife he loves her hugs. When I asked her about who she talks to from work she lied to me and said no one and got mad that I had asked and deleted all messages from the guy. Which she had texted this guy well over 1400 times In the last 4 months. Can anyone give me some advice?

[Deleted]

Well, it seems pretty clear there is something going on, even if its just emotionally distancing at this point, and lying. 

I'm not great with lying. I think its the worst part of the betrayal myself. 

That said, cheating is often a symptom rather than a causal factor in the disolution of a marriage.  It sounds like the marriage has problems, and you need to decide, with wife, whether or not you both are committed to addressing those issues and trying to work it out, or not. Both of you have to be on board for it to work, in my opinion, and it will likely require outside counseling to get to the root of the issues. 

If you are wondering about how to financially prepare yourself for divorce/separation, that is another matter, but i'm not sure that's what you are asking?

Sorry you find yourself in this position, dealing with these things. 

[justme]

The fact that you're snooping on her is not good.

Nor is the fact that she got defensive, lied, and then deleted the convos. Also is not good that you snooped again to find out she deleted them. 

Based on that, I would say everything is broken down enough that having a heart to heart between you two probably isn't possible and you should skip straight to marriage counseling. If she won't go with you - go to solo counseling to figured out what you want to do.


Oh, and welcome to the board! Tell all your friends. 

[Shooby]

Snooping will never help the situation. Obviously she feels somewhat detached from you. Snooping will absolutely drive her away. So I think you should cease and desist on that ASAP.
At this point you just need to focus on being a good husband and not by a lot of emotional drama but by being a man who is pleasant , considerate and fun to be around. People have affairs because the other person makes them FEEL good about who they are.
Get busy loving your wife. She will either respond to that or not. You cannot force the affections of another. Who ever she is talking too doesn't really matter. Your relationship is what matters.
Tell her that you feel that maybe your relationship has drifted apart in the busyness if life. Then go to some couples counseling ( seriously do not skimp on counseling , people will go to the end of the earth for their physical health but won't for their emitional spiritual or mental well being. There is nothing more important than your marriage).

[Deleted]

As usual, good advice, Shooby.

[Deleted]

Well, I can't say as I'm on board with he should make all the effort. She has been dishonest. It needs to be a dual commitment to moving forward...

[mmhmm]

I kinda see snooping as dishonest, as well.  Sounds like there are some real problems in the marriage - distance and distrust are two of them.  I think Shoobs hit the ball out of the park with her post.  I hope the OP takes it to heart.

[Apple]

Since you did look and see what was going on, asked her about it "without asking about it" and she lied, then deleted evidence, it's time to come clean with her about what you know.  Once she knows she's busted it's up to her to come clean.  You can leave out a few details you know about to see if she really comes clean or not, but as long as she's lying you're not going to be able to get very far.  And as long as you hide that you looked and know the truth, the longer she is going to lie and you'll resent her/it.

Where you go from here, I don't know.  There are varying degrees of what is considered appropriate in each relationship.  I know I will never NOT be friends with guys, but my friendships are friendships and don't cross that line.  I'd need a guy to understand that.  With her, it could be just texting and nothing more, it could be an affair (emotional or physical). 

And, while "snooping" isn't the best way to go, I'm not sure how else to find the "proof" that so many people seem to want.  A relationship needs trust, but if someone has detached themselves, acts dishonest, lies, etc, what do you do?  You're not always going to stumble on the truth accidentally, you can't always rely on friends to be honest about what is going on, etc.  So, I'm not going to beat you up about how you found out.  I don't agree with constant monitoring, looking for something to go wrong, etc, but I'm not going to blame someone for finding out what is going on either.

[Shooby]

The only person HE controls in this situation is himself. He can't control her effort one way or the other. You can't control the other person in any way. All you can do is be your best self, admit where you have made mistakes and look at what you have done well and then try to focus on moving forward. And, it will become evident in time that she is either on board or not.
And, focusing or blaming the OTHER person is a waste of time. The other person didn't make a commitment to you, she did. He is irrelevant one way or the other. Turn to her with the love and care that you truly feel. Accusations, snooping , demanding only result in a very unsatisfying parent/child relationship. That isn't what you want. You want her to truly turn her heart and mind toward you. And, again, I cannot emphasize enough how helpful counseling is, even if you talk to one by yourself to get some clarity.

[uncle23]

....


I like your posts Shooby...

[8 Bit WWBG]

I think that in these situations there are a lot of double-edged swords, and there can be some serious circular logic.  I agree with the points about snooping being bad.  I have very mixed feelings on the whole "the ends justify the means" angle.  On the one hand, you found something that isn't good.  On the other hand, the means by which you found it wasn't stellar either.  There is a reason why illegally obtained evidence is inadmissible in court.  But just because it isn't inadmissible, doesn't mean it doesn't exist either...

Perhaps the very first step is to ask yourself what YOU want, and what degree you are willing to go to in order to get it.  If you want to save your relationship, and/or rekindle the love you had; are you willing to go the distance?  If there is more to this "friendship", can you handle that?

IMO, there are many cases where by the time its gotten this far, its already quite late...  In other words, she might have felt this way for a long time, whereas you are just coming in to it.  As such, you have to work a lot harder to fix deeper ingrained feelings than you think.

1,400 times in 4 months may or may not be a lot...  If it were long e-mails that is one thing.  If its a bunch of one liners, perhaps that isn't so bad?  Or perhaps its irrelevant.

How do YOU feel?  That will be one of the most important decisions before proceeding.

[lazysundays]

Emotional cheating. She has found someone else to meet the emotional needs as you grew distant. He is her work spouse. I suspect they both try to justify that it's not cheating bc they are both married and not having sex, but they emotionally have chosen to open up to someone else. In our house it is understood that this is unacceptable and is cheating. There will be trust issues, but if it can still be fixed (which is very possible) than it can only be done with marriage counseling. Good luck.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Where you go from here, I don't know. There are varying degrees of what is considered appropriate in each relationship. I know I will never NOT be friends with guys, but my friendships are friendships and don't cross that line. I'd need a guy to understand that. With her, it could be just texting and nothing more, it could be an affair (emotional or physical).

Emotional "cheating" or an emotional "affair - is no more acceptable than an actual physical affair.

Cheating is cheating.

By the number of texts going to one specific person by his wife, I'd also suspect there's something more going on than just chat or a platonic friendship - especially since she's since deleted the "evidence".




.

[Opti]

"Emotional "cheating" or an emotional "affair - is no more acceptable than an actual physical affair.

Cheating is cheating.
"

I admit I don't understand this view unless there is something like "I love you"s exchanged with the
implication or explicitly saying you no longer love the person you are married to. OPening up to
someone is a matter of degree and frankly during work in a cube farm I'm sure I hit those
numbers or the equivalents emailing. It was noisy so most communication was via email between
co-workers sitting near each other. I could see places where people might prefer playing on their
phones instead. Had weird topics too. With the sex talk concerning one's spouse, well, depends what
was said.

Personally I like when people enjoy my hugs. I've had straight females, gay males, and male friends
say so. Can't think of any who wanted more than friendship unless they addressed that earlier.

[Opti]

Also, FWIW, Mercury is retrograde in Cancer moving towards Gemini.
That means discussions about feelings and people thinking about the past
have high odds of being wrong more than right. Just be careful.


Interestingly enough, in a novel I am reading, "Rich Crazy Asians", a husband
receives a text "Miss U inside Me". Turns out he's carrying on a fake affair
because he wants his wife to leave him so he no longer has to feel like the poor
husband married to a rich wife with condesending rich relatives.

[Deleted]

Thank you all for your advice I will keep you updated as to what I decide and the outcome

[mmhmm]

Best wishes, @loatinlove.  I hope you can find a solution to your situation that makes you happy.

[justme]

Jun 8, 2014 21:04:13 GMT -5 Opti said:

"Emotional "cheating" or an emotional "affair - is no more acceptable than an actual physical affair.

Cheating is cheating.
"

I admit I don't understand this view unless there is something like "I love you"s exchanged with the
implication or explicitly saying you no longer love the person you are married to. OPening up to
someone is a matter of degree and frankly during work in a cube farm I'm sure I hit those
numbers or the equivalents emailing. It was noisy so most communication was via email between
co-workers sitting near each other. I could see places where people might prefer playing on their
phones instead. Had weird topics too. With the sex talk concerning one's spouse, well, depends what
was said.

Personally I like when people enjoy my hugs. I've had straight females, gay males, and male friends
say so. Can't think of any who wanted more than friendship unless they addressed that earlier.

I think the best way to describe emotional cheating, because it's so nebulous, is when one spouse takes the time and energy they used to put towards their spouse and instead directs to one other person. When they tell things they used to tell their spouse to another person. That's not to say one can only do those things with a spouse or significant other, but when those things are not being shared or so little compared to another person - it is at that point that you're forgoing your spouse for the other person. 

A more concrete example would be coming home from work and when your spouse asks how your day was you say fine, but then go on to text this other person how your boss wouldn't get off your case and you're super stressed out and just want to relax but no your spouse wants to talk about how your day went. 

[Opti]

Justme, that helps, but how do you distinguish between someone who does this because
the spouse no longer wants to hear about their day versus the emotional cheater who'd
rather tell someone new about it instead?

I get though, it could be a path to find your next love interest while stringing along
your spouse until you are ready to leave.

[truthbound]

You should have printed copies just in case.

[lazysundays]

I think you don't need to confront her. You do need to put your own baggage aside and work on having your wife fall in love with you again. Have you been open with her right off the bat and she knows you are insecure about being cheated on? And she still has a secret friendship? Is it because she knows you will be jealous because you blow all male friendships out of proportions or because you two are more distant than you realize? Why have you grown distant? Just dulldrums of life or a challenge that you guys need to get past? You two just need to talk. It's obvious that you two never discussed some big issues.

[justme]

Jun 9, 2014 0:06:41 GMT -5 Opti said:

Justme, that helps, but how do you distinguish between someone who does this because
the spouse no longer wants to hear about their day versus the emotional cheater who'd
rather tell someone new about it instead?

I get though, it could be a path to find your next love interest while stringing along
your spouse until you are ready to leave.

I dunno. How do you distinguish between physical cheating where the spouse stopped having sex with you versus the one who just wants new sex partners? The physical cheating is just so much easier to define because of the specific act(s). Everyone's pretty clear on when it crosses the line, though there are some variations of whether just kissing does or not until they have sex. And it's pretty easy to be able to say I haven't had sex with my spouse for X years. But on the emotional side? So very muddy. The spouse could have frozen the other out for years, or maybe it's a really stressful time at work, etc etc. Still not right to freeze out a spouse but the line is so much harder to pin down on the emotional side - even more so when you think about the differences from person to person on what they emotionally need.

[Deleted]

First off thank you all for the advice, I am not sure though if I will be saying anything, though.  I know that something could be going on or it might not be going on, truth be told I am scared and dont know if I want to know the truth at this point, what I am going to do is get counseling for myself and then whatever way this turns out I will be able to handle it.  Yeah that might be the cowards way out, and part of me hates that I can't confront her at this moment.  But I have to get myself better before I start throwing stones, and hopefully if something if going on either with me getting counseling maybe I can make things better without her ever knowing that I had any idea something was going on, and if not, if it doesnt work out then atleast I tried and will be able to confront her with a clearer head.  Again thank you all for the advice.

[mmhmm]

Sounds like a plan, @loatinlove.  If you're feeling unsure of yourself, the counselling will help you to find the best path for you.  Best wishes to you.  I hope things work out so you can be happy.

[Deleted]

Jun 10, 2014 17:10:58 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

Jun 8, 2014 11:30:23 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Snooping will never help the situation. Obviously she feels somewhat detached from you. Snooping will absolutely drive her away. So I think you should cease and desist on that ASAP.
At this point you just need to focus on being a good husband and not by a lot of emotional drama but by being a man who is pleasant , considerate and fun to be around. People have affairs because the other person makes them FEEL good about who they are.
Get busy loving your wife. She will either respond to that or not. You cannot force the affections of another. Who ever she is talking too doesn't really matter. Your relationship is what matters.
Tell her that you feel that maybe your relationship has drifted apart in the busyness if life. Then go to some couples counseling ( seriously do not skimp on counseling , people will go to the end of the earth for their physical health but won't for their emitional spiritual or mental well being. There is nothing more important than your marriage).

So he's supposed to reward his wife for lying and betraying him by being her perfect little husband?  Ummm.. no thanks.  If I think my husband is up to no good you better believe I will do my own investigation. I have every right to know if the man I've committed my life to has decided to fuck around behind my back and lie to me about it. 

I was wondering the same thing lol, hell would break loose if I found those kinda texts on my wife phone... That me snooping would be an afterthought and not even on the radar.

You possibly cheating is 1000 X worse than me snooping.

[kittensaver]

Jun 10, 2014 17:10:58 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

Jun 8, 2014 11:30:23 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Snooping will never help the situation. Obviously she feels somewhat detached from you. Snooping will absolutely drive her away. So I think you should cease and desist on that ASAP.
At this point you just need to focus on being a good husband and not by a lot of emotional drama but by being a man who is pleasant , considerate and fun to be around. People have affairs because the other person makes them FEEL good about who they are.
Get busy loving your wife. She will either respond to that or not. You cannot force the affections of another. Who ever she is talking too doesn't really matter. Your relationship is what matters.
Tell her that you feel that maybe your relationship has drifted apart in the busyness if life. Then go to some couples counseling ( seriously do not skimp on counseling , people will go to the end of the earth for their physical health but won't for their emitional spiritual or mental well being. There is nothing more important than your marriage).

So he's supposed to reward his wife for lying and betraying him by being her perfect little husband?  Ummm.. no thanks.  If I think my husband is up to no good you better believe I will do my own investigation. I have every right to know if the man I've committed my life to has decided to fuck around behind my back and lie to me about it. 

WORD.

[Shooby]

Um the thread isn't about you. I gave my advice to the OP who can decide to take it ir leave it.

[8 Bit WWBG]

lostinlove, getting counseling for yourself is one of the tried and true pieces of advice that comes from these threads.  It is a good strategy to work on yourself.  In doing so, you may uncover some things that you can work on together.

I know I'm not perfect; and I have a part in many of the problems in my relationship.  It takes two to tango, and people can play off one another.  But all things start somewhere.  Think of it like a ray... one you can point in a better direction.

[I Am Caine]

KICK HER TO THE CURB!

[billisonboard]

I actually stayed in touch with this guy. Ends up he got in contact with the guy, not disclosing who he was, they ended up in love themselves, both divorced their wives, and are now happily married to each other and living in a nice little cottage in San Bernardino, CA.