ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jun 3, 2014 21:13:35 GMT -5
Not necessarily - he probably expected Naggie to remain passive and to accept things the way they are - and continue on being miserable while he floated through life.
He's probably shell-shocked that Naggie's actually standing up on her own two feet and dealing with it (for HER betterment and future).
Even though it might be struggle for the next year or two, Naggie, you will pull through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you'll be happier and more at peace once you're settled in and moving forward.
I hope you find some work to keep you financially secure. I assume you've discussed support/alimony.
If this is what you need to do in order to get on with life, more power to you.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jun 4, 2014 5:50:41 GMT -5
I was thinking yesterday that I am falling into the same patterns of getting shit done, I rehomed the dogs etc. I also had to ask him to sign the lease that was emailed to him, and he said "so I sign online right" I felt like saying "read the fucking instructions dumbass" I shouldnt have to tell you everything.
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Jun 4, 2014 6:48:27 GMT -5
Nutty - FWIW this man will be in your life forever because you had children (and now at least one grandchild) together. There will family events your children would like to have you both at together.
Just saying it may be easier to deal with this if you don't develop a negative view toward the father of your children.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jun 4, 2014 7:12:36 GMT -5
I am trying not too, but I am very angry at the moment, I am losing a lot of my life. I think when I am gone I can continue to heal though.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Jun 4, 2014 12:55:05 GMT -5
Looney, I came to the conclusion today that NO, he will not be good to them, he never played with them and they will be home all day by themselves when they have always had me. Does your app have rules no animals? What was you thinking
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Jun 4, 2014 13:01:46 GMT -5
Nutty - FWIW this man will be in your life forever because you had children (and now at least one grandchild) together. There will family events your children would like to have you both at together. Just saying it may be easier to deal with this if you don't develop a negative view toward the father of your children. Really? Now its the time Right while she is in the process of divorcing and thinking that H is an asshole - that's what gets her trough - NOW is the time to start thinking 'oy, vey, whadda man! we gonna raise grandkiddies togeda...' Are you kidding me She needs to preserve all the hate she can. ...And she keeps ignoring me but sex with a stranger would be IT!
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Jun 4, 2014 13:07:46 GMT -5
I find it's very hard to root negative thoughts out of my perception about a person once they've formed. I also have friends, as does DD, who have divorced parents who are nasty to each other.
It's not fair to the kids, and it's not all about you. Just saying if she want's to make life as agreeable as possible for her kids now is a good time to start. It's easier to start a good pattern then break a bad one.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:23:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2014 13:21:10 GMT -5
Imo, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's apathy. And that's what I aim for when I'm trying to put someone in my past. I don't want to be stuck in "UGH!" mode or stay angry and hateful, because I don't want to waste that energy on them. When I can shrug it/them off I feel like I've finally gotten over it. The more involved and long-term the relationship is, the harder it is to get there though.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:23:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2014 13:49:18 GMT -5
Nutty - FWIW this man will be in your life forever because you had children (and now at least one grandchild) together. There will family events your children would like to have you both at together. Just saying it may be easier to deal with this if you don't develop a negative view toward the father of your children. Really? Now its the time Right while she is in the process of divorcing and thinking that H is an asshole - that's what gets her trough - NOW is the time to start thinking 'oy, vey, whadda man! we gonna raise grandkiddies togeda...' Are you kidding me She needs to preserve all the hate she can. ...And she keeps ignoring me but sex with a stranger would be IT! Hate will eat you alive. And really, why should she hate him? I'll admit I haven't read all the divorce thread, but it sounds like he just wants out. He might have issues, or be depressed or whatever, but he's not being a dick. He's helping her get an apartment and move out. It could be that he's doing her a great favor by bowing out.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jun 4, 2014 13:51:01 GMT -5
It is going to be hard to let go of 23 years, I know that but I can move on and will move on. I am young.....and Looney ya want to know that PM me
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jun 4, 2014 13:52:39 GMT -5
I am a Capricorn to the max.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Jun 4, 2014 13:54:54 GMT -5
I am a Capricorn to the max. I have one of those...want him? 57. 6'2"...that's it. I really can't say no more...
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jun 4, 2014 13:56:58 GMT -5
Well that was nice, I don't know what happened. I suspect but no, he is really not being too nice right now. I was good enough to marry and bring home to mom and dad and raise his children, now he is done. No that is not a good feeling to overcome. This was his unilateral decision with no input and regard for me. No he is not abusive but I am seeing things in our marriage that should have been better on his part.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jun 4, 2014 13:58:16 GMT -5
No, I don't think a cappy/cappy match is that good I just meant that I have a lot of the characteristics of a Capricorn, to explain why I do/ am doing the things I am doing.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Jun 4, 2014 14:03:10 GMT -5
Really? Now its the time Right while she is in the process of divorcing and thinking that H is an asshole - that's what gets her trough - NOW is the time to start thinking 'oy, vey, whadda man! we gonna raise grandkiddies togeda...' Are you kidding me She needs to preserve all the hate she can. ...And she keeps ignoring me but sex with a stranger would be IT! Hate will eat you alive. And really, why should she hate him? I'll admit I haven't read all the divorce thread, but it sounds like he just wants out. He might have issues, or be depressed or whatever, but he's not being a dick. He's helping her get an apartment and move out. It could be that he's doing her a great favor by bowing out. have you ever seen tombstone where it says 'eaten alive by hate?' I had not... You, MNP sometimes are so naïve...why should she hate him? Because he had turned her world upside down and can't even come up with the reason WHY!!! And no, 23 years aren't a small time. It is ethernity for some people who can't stay married for more than 3 years... Do you like robbers? I don't think so. So I am seeing him like a burglar who just stole a lot of 'sentimental value' stuff.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:23:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2014 14:07:07 GMT -5
Well that was nice, I don't know what happened. I suspect but no, he is really not being too nice right now. I was good enough to marry and bring home to mom and dad and raise his children, now he is done. No that is not a good feeling to overcome. This was his unilateral decision with no input and regard for me. No he is not abusive but I am seeing things in our marriage that should have been better on his part. I didn't mean it wasn't hurtful. I went through the same thing with my first ex. One day out of the blue he was just done and wanted out. But, what is worse? Living with someone that doesn't really want to be married to you or just ending it?
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Jun 4, 2014 14:07:12 GMT -5
No, I don't think a cappy/cappy match is that good I just meant that I have a lot of the characteristics of a Capricorn, to explain why I do/ am doing the things I am doing. I was kidding, I know there is no match for 2 horn bearers...just trying to make him happy by letting him run on the flower fields...sometimes.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:23:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2014 14:08:14 GMT -5
Hate will eat you alive. And really, why should she hate him? I'll admit I haven't read all the divorce thread, but it sounds like he just wants out. He might have issues, or be depressed or whatever, but he's not being a dick. He's helping her get an apartment and move out. It could be that he's doing her a great favor by bowing out. have you ever seen tombstone where it says 'eaten alive by hate?' I had not... You, MNP sometimes are so naïve...why should she hate him?Because he had turned her world upside down and can't even come up with the reason WHY!!! And no, 23 years aren't a small time. It is ethernity for some people who can't stay married for more than 3 years... Do you like robbers? I don't think so. So I am seeing him like a burglar who just stole a lot of 'sentimental value' stuff. Tell me old wise Loony. How does hate help? Who does it hurt? Just her.
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jun 4, 2014 14:16:58 GMT -5
Oh MPL, I know what you meant. It wasn't a personal statement to you just that it does hurt. I know you are all giving me advice. I don't hate him, I am angry at him, hurt by him, devastated by him but I don't think I hate him.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Jun 4, 2014 14:19:08 GMT -5
have you ever seen tombstone where it says 'eaten alive by hate?' I had not... You, MNP sometimes are so naïve...why should she hate him?Because he had turned her world upside down and can't even come up with the reason WHY!!! And no, 23 years aren't a small time. It is ethernity for some people who can't stay married for more than 3 years... Do you like robbers? I don't think so. So I am seeing him like a burglar who just stole a lot of 'sentimental value' stuff. Tell me old wise Loony. How does hate help? Who does it hurt? Just her. So...what would hurt her less? If she loved him and laid by his feet...while he is stepping over her shivering in love body?
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Jun 4, 2014 14:19:54 GMT -5
Oh MPL, I know what you meant. It wasn't a personal statement to you just that it does hurt. I know you are all giving me advice. I don't hate him, I am angry at him, hurt by him, devastated by him but I don't think I hate him. yes you do...you just in denial because you want people to think you are 'nice'...
|
|
nutty
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 31, 2014 5:37:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,166
|
Post by nutty on Jun 4, 2014 14:23:24 GMT -5
Yeah, MPL I was here for that heartbreak. That was tough, very tough.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:23:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2014 14:25:31 GMT -5
I'm just speaking from a been there done that perspective. I was filled with hate for several years. Not for my ex, instead, I displaced it to his girlfriend who then became his new wife. It was exhausting for me and didn't affect her one bit. My son who was quite young at the time learned to be careful about what he said about her around me and there was always tension whenever I was going to pick up/or drop off. Anything where I might end up in contact with her was so stressful. One day, I just decided I'd had enough of torturing myself (and everyone else) and just let it all go. Life was so much more peaceful for me after that (well, until recently when ex number two stuff!). Hate makes you ugly. It starts on the inside then works it's way out.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:23:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2014 14:31:10 GMT -5
Tell me old wise Loony. How does hate help? Who does it hurt? Just her. So...what would hurt her less? If she loved him and laid by his feet...while he is stepping over her shivering in love body? Where did I say to do that?!?! Since when are the only choices gushing love or hating? Pink Cashmere is right the opposite of love is apathy. Hate is still letting someone else controlling how you feel...only it's a negative emotion. Nutty can love herself and get on with her life without being hateful. It doesn't mean there is no pain or anger. I'm sure there is tons of that!
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 4, 2014 14:33:43 GMT -5
Naggie, do what I did when faced with something similar. It wasn't my husband, but my former best girl friend who walked out on our friendship, her other friends, her job and her entire family when she had an affair and left the area without a word to anyone: write him a letter. Put all the pain and anger down on paper. Heck, you can even write in lurid detail exactly what you would do to him if you had the chance.
Read what you wrote. Read it again, out loud.
Then burn it.
I get that there might be hate, but as pointed out, he is the father of your kids, grandfather to the baby. You still have to deal with him, now for legal reasons, and in the future. As bad as the separation/divorce is, you still need to practice civility.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Jun 4, 2014 14:40:03 GMT -5
I'm just speaking from a been there done that perspective. I was filled with hate for several years. Not for my ex, instead, I displaced it to his girlfriend who then became his new wife. It was exhausting for me and didn't affect her one bit. My son who was quite young at the time learned to be careful about what he said about her around me and there was always tension whenever I was going to pick up/or drop off. Anything where I might end up in contact with her was so stressful. One day, I just decided I'd had enough of torturing myself (and everyone else) and just let it all go. Life was so much more peaceful for me after that (well, until recently when ex number two stuff!). Hate makes you ugly. It starts on the inside then works it's way out. See now? You were doing it all wrong. So we aren't listening to you, right, nutty? MPL, as I had never seen tombstone with writing 'died from hate'...I had never heard cosmetologist saying 'it is the hate that made you ugly! so we can't fix it'...No! If you are hating someone in a right way it will not hurt anybody. Plus how can you 'decide in one day' to control your hate and turn it 180? Couldn't you just 'decide it' earlier?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:23:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2014 14:53:13 GMT -5
I'm just speaking from a been there done that perspective. I was filled with hate for several years. Not for my ex, instead, I displaced it to his girlfriend who then became his new wife. It was exhausting for me and didn't affect her one bit. My son who was quite young at the time learned to be careful about what he said about her around me and there was always tension whenever I was going to pick up/or drop off. Anything where I might end up in contact with her was so stressful. One day, I just decided I'd had enough of torturing myself (and everyone else) and just let it all go. Life was so much more peaceful for me after that (well, until recently when ex number two stuff!). Hate makes you ugly. It starts on the inside then works it's way out. See now? You were doing it all wrong. So we aren't listening to you, right, nutty? MPL, as I had never seen tombstone with writing 'died from hate'...I had never heard cosmetologist saying 'it is the hate that made you ugly! so we can't fix it'...No! If you are hating someone in a right way it will not hurt anybody. Plus how can you 'decide in one day' to control your hate and turn it 180? Couldn't you just 'decide it' earlier?Wish I would have. And you don't think hate makes people ugly? Have you never sat and talked with someone that all they do is bitch and moan about their ex and how their ex ruined their life and their ex is responsible for all their woes? they have their kids spying on them to get other ammunition to hate about them. Sometimes this goes on for YEARS AND YEARS. It's exhausting just to listen to them. You want to say, ok, great. How about changing the focus of the energy to something positive for yourself. Maybe raise chickens!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 9, 2024 20:23:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2014 16:10:23 GMT -5
If you are hating someone in a right way it will not hurt anybody.
Maybe we have different definitions of hate. IMO, hating someone requires a lot of attention, and effort. The energy you give to what/who you hate could be focused on something more positive instead. Like moving on with your life. That's why I believe you harm yourself when you harbor hatred. It keeps you stuck. You'll never really be free of what/who you hate as long as you're spending your time and energy hating them.
ETA: Or, what MPL said! lol
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,245
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Jun 4, 2014 16:32:15 GMT -5
have you ever seen tombstone where it says 'eaten alive by hate?' I had not... You, MNP sometimes are so naïve...why should she hate him?Because he had turned her world upside down and can't even come up with the reason WHY!!! And no, 23 years aren't a small time. It is ethernity for some people who can't stay married for more than 3 years... Do you like robbers? I don't think so. So I am seeing him like a burglar who just stole a lot of 'sentimental value' stuff. Tell me old wise Loony. How does hate help? Who does it hurt? Just her. Also, if she keeps fixating on the past, she's just going to stay angry. It seems she wants to lay this all at his feet, but she's the one who actively chose divorce. I understand being angry when the best choice isn't a good one, but its not like the marriage turned bad suddenly and the whole bad dynamic rests on him. Naggie, please stop thinking about what you think he feels. Start focusing on what you want. You don't need to write a bad DH story in your mind to move ahead. Just be grateful for what worked, sad neither of you knew how to fix it, and gather your bravery and focus on your future. Start worrying if you spend any time thinking about what he feels or not. Write down a list of things to do or focus on if you find yourself falling into the wasteful and unproductive habit of trying to determine how he feels or what his motivations are. It really shouldn't matter. I believe at some level we get what we believe, so whether this was a soul choice before you came this lifetime or things you did in the marriage that helped get you here, the only person you can control or fix is you.
|
|
achelois
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 9:55:44 GMT -5
Posts: 1,479
|
Post by achelois on Jun 4, 2014 17:37:37 GMT -5
My divorce from my sons' father will be 20 years ago this December. Doesn't seem that long ago. It took a long time to work through the hurt/anger. It helped me to visualize a time in the future when it would be behind me.
The only lingering sadness is on Christmas or other special occasions when I wish I could look over and say, "Remember when...the kids did this or that, or the time we..."
the he divorce means giving up not only the future with a person ,but also the sharing of the past.
|
|