marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Mar 5, 2015 6:49:50 GMT -5
So they called again about the possibility of my taking the 2 girls. They will just be entering care, they called for help, they have no history of behaviours and they are right in my prime age range. GW has asked me not to take in anyone else until she leaves for university. I am not going to agree to that but I find it difficult. I'm looking for reassurance that it isn't reasonable for her to ask that of me. I don't think it is reasonable, later. You've given so much to GW. You've been there for her from day one. Now, the time is quickly approaching when GW will step out into the adult world, as a woman on her own. You'll still be there as back-up and support, but she's got to be her own woman now and you have to go on with the life you wish to live. If you want to take these girls in, that should be your decision, IMO.
IMO this is one of those who is the parent and who is the kid (young adult) situations. Also, GW is leaving. Are you supposed to put your entire life on hold until then?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2015 9:08:48 GMT -5
Thanks guys. I talked to her last night. She is anxious about learning about new people again and she is pretty open that she has a hard time with room mates. One concession I am making is getting her a new door knob for her room with a key lock, not one that you can open up with a butter knife. I will be keeping a key. I think the conversation went well. She expressed that she would rather not have new people moving in but did not throw a fit when she didn't get her own way. She has been known to do that in the past on issues. It never changed my mind but was a PITA to deal with.
So I meet the girls tomorrow and they will move in on the weekend.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 5, 2015 9:30:51 GMT -5
I'm glad it went well, later, but sorry you had to deal with that. I'm sure she is anxious. She's facing some big changes and leaving home is scary for every kid, even when they're excited about going away and being on their own. There's always that little twinge of anxiety that most won't admit to! I'm happy she didn't pitch a hissy and is satisfied with the ability to protect her privacy. When the girls get there, perhaps she'll find their arrival her opportunity to get outside herself for a bit and find joy in making them feel welcome.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Mar 6, 2015 6:31:58 GMT -5
Thanks guys. I talked to her last night. She is anxious about learning about new people again and she is pretty open that she has a hard time with room mates. One concession I am making is getting her a new door knob for her room with a key lock, not one that you can open up with a butter knife. I will be keeping a key. I think the conversation went well. She expressed that she would rather not have new people moving in but did not throw a fit when she didn't get her own way. She has been known to do that in the past on issues. It never changed my mind but was a PITA to deal with.
So I meet the girls tomorrow and they will move in on the weekend. Glad you were able to work thru the issue w/GW. AND were able to do what your heart wanted.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 6, 2015 17:08:58 GMT -5
laterbloomer - let us know how the meeting with the new girls goes. Just coming into care can be very difficult, regardless of a lack of behavior issues, in a different way than changing homes multiple times can be for kids. Hopefully your experience is much better than mine was (though Mini Wheat had behavior issues that were exacerbated by us being his first placement). I'm sure GW is feeling a sense of loss. She already knows she's going to be "losing" you when she goes to college, and this may feel like she's losing you even sooner. It may actually be a great experience for her in learning that she isn't losing you, just that she is moving on to a new stage.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 20:08:28 GMT -5
I met them today and they seem great. I'm really hopeful for it being a succesful match. They will be moving in tomorrow morning. At this point they are doing a plan of care for the rest of the school year, 4 months. It will be reevaluated at that point. My impression is that they are not interested in going back. Fingers crossed. shanendoah you weren't around when I had LGW. She is younger and had behaviours I am too inexperienced and busy to deal with successfully. It was a very difficult time and really hard to terminate the placement. I'm happy to report she is doing really well in the home she is in now.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 7, 2015 22:34:37 GMT -5
Good luck, later. You are awesome! These girls are lucky to have you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 11:11:45 GMT -5
It's been 23 hours and no problems yet
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 8, 2015 11:38:05 GMT -5
Yay! Sounds good, later! If the girls didn't want to return, they may be overjoyed to be in a place where they're valued. That should have a very positive effect on their behaviors.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 19:08:36 GMT -5
I'm going to take the fact that I've heard all the girls laughing and giggling tonight as a good sign.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 9, 2015 11:17:25 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2015 9:41:37 GMT -5
So the 15 year old has been allowed to sleep over at her boyfriend's place fairly regularly. On the other hand every girl that has lived here has had a no sleep overs with boyfriends rule. CAS has told me that because the kids are considered temporary at this point the grandparents rules apply. I have compromised to the point that she can go once a week but that is it. I talked to GW about it before making the change because I really didn't think it would be fair to her. She understood the situation so we are good. She has actually adjusted to the girls being here really well. Way better than I expected with her pre move in concerns.
Anyway, the 15 year old is pretty bossy. When she doesn't get her own way she keeps coming at you for why she should. We will see how well she accepts this.
But overall it's going well.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 14, 2015 9:58:39 GMT -5
So the 15 year old has been allowed to sleep over at her boyfriend's place fairly regularly. :eek::eek::eek: I knew Canada was liberal but I did not know it was that liberal!
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 14, 2015 10:05:39 GMT -5
So the 15 year old has been allowed to sleep over at her boyfriend's place fairly regularly. :eek::eek::eek: I knew Canada was liberal but I did not know it was that liberal! Yeah that!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2015 11:40:17 GMT -5
LOL most of us aren't! That's why I've spent the week with my head about to explode!
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 14, 2015 11:59:53 GMT -5
LOL most of us aren't! That's why I've spent the week with my head about to explode! How old is that young man? And his parents are ok with that? My mom did not allow any girlfriend sleeping over till I was in college and engaged. She loved to say: I know if you guys want to do it you will find a way to do it, but that doesn't mean I have to make it any easier for you,
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 14, 2015 14:11:26 GMT -5
We had a huge debate about this awhile back but 15 is awfully young for sleepovers. What's the age of consent in your state? I'd be concerned for her boyfriend from a legal standpoint if he's of age, since she isn't.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 14, 2015 14:48:48 GMT -5
We had a huge debate about this awhile back but 15 is awfully young for sleepovers. What's the age of consent in your state? I'd be concerned for her boyfriend from a legal standpoint if he's of age, since she isn't. Later is in Canada so it maybe totally different than the U.S.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 14, 2015 20:02:20 GMT -5
LOL most of us aren't! That's why I've spent the week with my head about to explode! Mine would be exploding over it also! Also over the bossiness.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 14, 2015 21:49:14 GMT -5
I just looked up Canada's age of consent. It was raised from 14 to 16 in 2008, so no, she's not legal quite yet.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Mar 15, 2015 5:42:21 GMT -5
In my house this sleep over would be.............no way in creation and I HAVE fostered both a regular and an emergency placement of high school age kids.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 19:27:06 GMT -5
There are sleepovers without sex involved. I wouldn't count on it, but there are.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 15, 2015 23:35:18 GMT -5
Regardless of one's feelings on sleepovers, I disagree with the reasoning of "oh it's temporary so your usual rules don't apply." I'd think it would be especially important in temporary foster situations not to undermine the authority of the foster parents. And, particularly with multiple kids in the picture, it seems like it would be really hard to keep control if you kept saying things like, "Well, Cathy isn't allowed to do that but you go ahead."
If there's a major clash in values, there might be a place for compromise. A kid who doesn't eat meat might be a good reason to make an exception to the "we don't substitute food for people who don't want to eat what's for dinner" rule in a meat-loving household. But when it comes to a behavior normally prohibited in a house (within reason), I don't think foster parents should be expected to allow it for one kid just because the arrangement is supposedly temporary. It seems like a bad message to send.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2015 8:41:12 GMT -5
I agree. I will be better prepared if this ever happens again. I am meeting with my worker next Monday and I will be talking to her about this and it will never happen again. In the meantime I talked to GW about the situation and she understands that it isn't that I have changed my ways. GW is actually doing well now that the girls are actually here.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2015 8:46:09 GMT -5
As for the bossiness, I realised this weekend that it is a matter of emotional immaturity rather than malicious. That doesn't make it acceptable but it helps me not take it personally and to respond calmly. That is huge and will contribute greatly to a calmer household.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 16, 2015 11:58:41 GMT -5
laterbloomer - that would bother me as well, but I also get why it's gone the way it is. Here, at least, social workers can set rules for foster parents, and if the social worker tells the kid it's okay, the foster parent doesn't actually have a leg to stand on. I would be frustrated, and I hope your worker can help you negotiate this, but I get it. When Mini Wheat was placed with us, his social worker gave permission for him to play adult rated video games because that was what he was used to playing in his home, and even though the general rule is no games rated above a child's age, the worker wanted to ease his transition into a home that actually paid attention to what he was doing. (It turned out, he didn't actually like to play the fighting video games that much. He ended up playing mostly Rock Band, and reports from new foster home were that he pretty much always wanted to be outside throwing his football, if he could get the dad or one of the younger boys to join him.)
So, we had a MAJOR meltdown this weekend. In PUBLIC. Cupcake came to us with her hair in braids. We left it in the braids because she had been having regular Sunday evening visits with her mom and her mom always did her hair. Well, she's now been with us 5+ weeks, so her hair hadn't been done in about 6. That was really too long. The braids were starting to hurt her and gather lint. So, we took out the braids, got her hair washed and combed out. There was much screaming and crying while I combed through her hair (with conditioner in it), but we got through it. The next day, I had an appointment at a salon for her to get her hair braided again. We went to swim lessons first, so at the salon, her hair got washed again. She was all smiles until it was time to comb out her hair (again, with conditioner in it). It was not actually that bad, but as soon as the combing started, there was crying that it hurt. And it just escalated. Before it was over, she was lying on the floor of the salon, under the chair, conditioner still in her hair, screaming and kicking me. We left. (I do want to say, all the women at the salon, both stylists and patrons, were wonderful. But there is no way I am subjecting that business or any other to that kind of behavior again.)
When she was calm, and as rational as a 7 y/o can be, she admitted it actually hurts more when her mom does her hair. And yet, she will also tell you that she was only crying and mad and upset because it hurt. Obviously, that's not the case. The real issue is that her mother is the only person who has ever done her hair, and having someone else do her hair is a BIG, SCARY deal, one that makes her realize that her mother may truly be out of her life. It is a battle we are going to have to fight, but not just yet. We are placement number 10 or 11, in less than 2 years. We are only the second non-family placement (and the previous foster placement was well over a year ago). She does not trust this is a long term placement, and given her experience, there's no reason she should. We have a lot to get through, and I am guessing that once a better sense of permanency sets in, the hair issue will become slightly less traumatic.
Anyway, the reason this is even an issue is that as a foster parent, I am not allowed to change a child's hair cut or style, at least not while the parents still have rights. Well, the braids had to come out- it was at a point where they were un-hygenic and would become literally unhealthy. I do not have skill to braid Cupcake's hair. (I don't have the skill to braid Pop Tart's hair, and she's got the exact same kind of hair I do.) So, Cupcake's hair is going to be left natural (and it is ridiculously adorable) until the social workers can get their act together and get another visit scheduled with her mother. Because she is supposed to be having visits with her mother.
So Saturday morning I was screamed at and hit and kicked. Pop Tart was with us because she wants to learn how to do Cupcake's hair. So she witnessed it all. And then, when we got out of the salon, she had to sit in the back seat by herself for 5-10 minutes while I held Cupcake in the front seat and got her calmed down. That meant that, surprise surprise, by Saturday evening, Pop Tart was clingy and needy. So I read with her in her room for about 20 minutes after Cupcake was in bed, and talked about the day with her.
And yesterday, I got to fight with Cupcake again about brushing her hair and trying to keep it as tangle free as possible. Of course, this is made slightly more difficult by how chemically sensitive C is, so we can't use most detanglers- the fragrance in them will give him a sinus infection every time. We are researching fragrance free detanglers and will hopefully have one in the house this week. I also need to find a good, thick conditioner that won't bother him. We currently only have tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner, both for the chemical thing and because C has psoriasis and the tea tree oil really helps his scalp. But the tea tree conditioner just isn't thick enough for Cupcake's hair, so I need to find something there, too.
That all said, as frustrating as parts of the weekend were, seeing Cupcake grinning like nobody's business as she ice skated on Saturday afternoon and watching her and Pop Tart put together a dance routine Sunday evening makes up for it. Like all parents, I just wish life could be more of the smiles and giggles and less of the screams and name calling.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2015 16:07:13 GMT -5
When I had LGW she was not comforted by the idea that she would have a long term placement here. Anything I did that implied that stressed her right out. She still has ambitions of going home. In that sense her new foster mother not trying to bond with her actually comforts her and creates a bond.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 16, 2015 16:55:13 GMT -5
Other than Cupcake herself saying she wants to stay with Pop Tart forever, we aren't talking permanency with Cupcake. We are pushing for her to have her visits with her mom. I know they are planning on filing for termination of parental rights, but that doesn't mean she should never see her mom, especially if mom is capable of being supportive of the situation. (I don't know; I have never met mom. However, she had regular informal visits with Cupcake in previous placements and never interfered or disrupted those, so I think it might be possible.)
Cupcake is 7. Right now, I think she will respond to actual stability and consistency, and we can leave talking about permanency for later. But she also very much wants bonds and attachments in her daily life. Pop Tart is 11. And I think on days when she doesn't want to do her homework or her chores, or is mad at us because she doesn't have a phone, etc, she will continue to harbor dreams of returning to her birth mom, even though she knows she's been adopted and that that won't happen (and also knows her life is better now). That doesn't stop the "I wish you weren't my parents" phase all teens seem to go through, and given that she remembers a time when we weren't her parents, well, I expect it will be a little rough.
But, every kid is different, and we just do our best to respond to each kid in the best way we know how.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 16, 2015 17:10:12 GMT -5
Other than Cupcake herself saying she wants to stay with Pop Tart forever, we aren't talking permanency with Cupcake. We are pushing for her to have her visits with her mom. I know they are planning on filing for termination of parental rights, but that doesn't mean she should never see her mom, especially if mom is capable of being supportive of the situation. (I don't know; I have never met mom. However, she had regular informal visits with Cupcake in previous placements and never interfered or disrupted those, so I think it might be possible.)
Cupcake is 7. Right now, I think she will respond to actual stability and consistency, and we can leave talking about permanency for later. But she also very much wants bonds and attachments in her daily life. Pop Tart is 11. And I think on days when she doesn't want to do her homework or her chores, or is mad at us because she doesn't have a phone, etc, she will continue to harbor dreams of returning to her birth mom, even though she knows she's been adopted and that that won't happen (and also knows her life is better now). That doesn't stop the "I wish you weren't my parents" phase all teens seem to go through, and given that she remembers a time when we weren't her parents, well, I expect it will be a little rough.
But, every kid is different, and we just do our best to respond to each kid in the best way we know how. Ok I read a couple pages back... Are all her siblings (brothers) in foster care also
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 16, 2015 23:58:46 GMT -5
TheHaitian - her brothers and sister are all in family care. The state is involved in their cases, though they are not technically in foster care.
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