taz157
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Post by taz157 on Feb 14, 2015 22:54:29 GMT -5
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 18, 2015 17:16:21 GMT -5
Prepping for the birthday party this coming weekend. Only one of Cupcake's school friends (we only invited 4 - the 4 she listed as her friends) has RSVP'd. I am still going to assume the others will show up, but who knows at this point. We have also asked for contact information for her siblings' caregivers, so that we can invite them, but haven't gotten anything. There are a couple little girls in the neighborhood that Cupcake and Pop Tart play with, and I'm thinking I might have C go down and invite them. There need to be kids at a kid's birthday party.
Friday will be Cupcake's last day at her current school, and we'll move her to Pop Tart's school starting next Monday.
We said fine to the marketing thing, as long as everything in anonymized, we don't care one way or the other.
Cupcake is supposed to still be having regular meetings with birth mom. We haven't heard any more about that, but know that birth mom was doing her hair on a regular basis. She keeps asking to take her hair out (it's in braids), and I keep telling her no. I need to find out soon if we're going to have a meeting with birth mom or not, so that I can make a hair appt for her if needed. Changing kids' hair is one of the big no-nos of foster care, and since we're white and she's black, this is one thing I'm going to be extra careful on.
Second weekend went well. It was a 4 day weekend for the girls, and we did have one little fight on Sunday, but we got over it.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 18, 2015 22:33:50 GMT -5
As I'm sure you know, kids squabble. Sounds like things are going well.
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 23, 2015 11:46:37 GMT -5
Birthday party went well. Only one of Cupcake's school friends made it, but all 3 of her siblings did (we actually had to pick up her brothers, but that's okay). It was very nice to be able to have all of her siblings there. AND there was only minimal crying when they had to part. Only the baby (2y/o) cried. None of the "older" (4, 5, now 7) kids did. And sibling partings are always the hardest. We had expected some kind of breakdown over the weekend - Friday: actual birthday, last day at current school; Saturday: party, seeing siblings, other family; Sunday: recovery day; and none came. Today is Cupcake's first day in Pop Tart's school, so we'll have to see how that goes. But other than some hyper episodes (and OMG, I would rather deal with hyper than crying fits/tantrums), it was a smooth weekend.
Now, obviously, we're still in the "honeymoon" phase. We've only had two breakdowns in the time she's been with us, and both have lasted 15 minutes or less. (Compared to Pop Tart, who still occasionally has epic breakdowns, though we've gotten better at handling them.) We also had a little of Pop Tart acting out, as we had two days where almost no focus was on her (though her sister did come to the birthday party, too), but otherwise, things seems to be going fairly smoothly.
Of course, that means I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It doesn't seem like this should be going quite so well.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 23, 2015 11:49:57 GMT -5
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Feb 23, 2015 12:35:47 GMT -5
<3
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 23, 2015 12:45:24 GMT -5
Did Cupcake sleep in the other bunk with Pop Tart over the weekend?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 23, 2015 13:14:44 GMT -5
Wisconsin Beth - Yes. So the rule is, on school nights, they have to sleep in their own rooms, but when there's not school in the morning, they can sleep in the same room. However, we have also modified that a little bit. Lights out is at 9:15p on non-school nights (in bed usually around 8:30p). They can read individually or Pop Tart can read to Cupcake. They can NOT play with barbies, run around, shout, etc. They must be in bed, there must be reading. If I have to get up and go in the room after 10p, Cupcake must go sleep in her own room. This has proven successful for the last two weekends, and they have actually gotten sleep.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 23, 2015 15:31:50 GMT -5
Wait, shanendoah - I guess I just realized cupcake has three other siblings? There's no way they can't try for a placement for all the kids in the same home? I thought they tried to keep sibling groups together... Poor things, what a mess.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 23, 2015 16:01:06 GMT -5
The Captain - For the record, Pop Tart also has 3 other siblings. Her brothers have never been in state care, so we don't have contact with them, but we see her little sister all the time. In Cupcake's case, all of her siblings are half siblings. They are all in family care with their fathers' families. Cupcake had previously been in family care, but family members simply realized they didn't have the wherewithal to care for her, so she is now in our home. Every family member of hers that we have met has been very supportive about the placement. If, in the future, any of her siblings were to come into state care, we might be able to take one of them, but we would not be able to take more than that (unless we buy a much bigger house, which is still a possibility). And the state would not disrupt Cupcake's placement simply to try and place her with siblings.
Note that while they do try to keep sibling groups together, it can be very hard. IF we didn't have Pop Tart and IF we had 4 beds, we could conceivably take up to 4 children - either all of the same gender or two of each gender (differently gendered children cannot share rooms, even if they are birth siblings). Not many places are capable of taking more than one or two children at a time. It's just a logistics issue.
In addition, it often turns out to be the case that for the oldest child in a large sibling group (which both Pop Tart and Cupcake are), the best placement is NOT with the siblings. That sounds terrible on the outside, but the truth is, if you keep the oldest sibling with the younger siblings, the oldest never leaves their role as caretaker. They have learned they can't depend on adults to care for their younger siblings, so they continue to care for them. Their younger siblings have learned they can't count on adults, so they continue to turn to their older sibling. It prevents the oldest from ever having a childhood. It is possible to overcome this, but it is HARD. Pop Tart and BB (her little sister) haven't lived together in 4-5 years (and with a note that BB is only a couple months past her 6th birthday), and yet, we still have times when we or BB's parents, have to step in and prevent Pop Tart from parenting BB or to redirect BB from turning to Pop Tart for parenting.
This is a struggle, but it is often decided that the best thing for each child is to break up sibling groups, and then ask their caretakers to be willing to maintain connections.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 23, 2015 16:13:31 GMT -5
shanendoah - I appreciate the explanation and am glad Cupcake's siblings are with family. While what you said make perfect sense on an intellectual level, please forgive me for saying it sucks from an emotional level. Having had relatives go through something similar, the oldest sibling was always very clear on being ok with keeping the family together at all costs even if it meant having to "give up" their childhood. I'm not sure what the right answer is... Good luck and as always, thanks for the updates.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 23, 2015 16:32:29 GMT -5
The Captain - I totally agree, it sucks at an emotional level. The thing is, when kids have to come into state care, the whole situation generally sucks, and there is a struggle to find the solution that sucks the least. I do honestly believe that Pop Tart and BB are better off in their separate homes, but still being very involved in each other's lives. That is a responsibility we and BB's parents take very seriously. But I understand how it could not go as well as it does in our case.
As for the oldest being willing to "give up" their childhood, if the oldest is 16, sure, I get it. But do you really let a 5-7 year old make that choice? Is it fair to ask a kid that young to even make that choice?
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 23, 2015 16:37:03 GMT -5
And then, there's the weighing in from a parenting perspective. I don't take children into my home to simply provide them with a safe place to live. I am the parent. It is hard enough struggling with one kid at a time, especially one that has been "parentified", to get that across. Imagine trying to have that struggle on a regular basis with 3 kids who feel they already have a "parent" living with them and a fourth child who feels they are the "parent" of the others. I guess if you are just the person providing food and shelter/not an active parent, that could work. It doesn't generally work well as a family dynamic, though, when the parents feel that it is their job to be the parent, not the oldest kid's job. (And again, that's a different struggle or situation if the oldest is 16 than if they are 6.)
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 23, 2015 16:45:57 GMT -5
shanendoah - good question. In the case of my family is was my maternal great grandfather that died with 9 children, the youngest just an infant. My great grandmother had to work to get money to feed them so my great aunt and great uncle raised all but the youngest. The youngest child was sent to live with another relative. I've heard a lot of stories of their hard times growing up. My great aunt (DD's namesake) was 12 and my great uncle was 11. The oldest boy was 14 and he too quit school to get a job to feed the family (he worked a farm the next town over and only saw his family on weekends). Despite the hard times I always remembered how much they regretted having to send the baby away. Even as a child I knew that particular relative was not as comfortable with "family" gathering as the rest of the clan. So I can't say what is fair and what isn't. Yes 5-7 is different then 11-12, but I have to wonder - the kids already have so much taken from them. Is it fair to take away the ability to make that choice as well? Not judging, but I do think it's a question worth considering.
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Post by The Captain on Feb 23, 2015 16:47:27 GMT -5
And then, there's the weighing in from a parenting perspective. I don't take children into my home to simply provide them with a safe place to live. I am the parent. It is hard enough struggling with one kid at a time, especially one that has been "parentified", to get that across. Imagine trying to have that struggle on a regular basis with 3 kids who feel they already have a "parent" living with them and a fourth child who feels they are the "parent" of the others. I guess if you are just the person providing food and shelter/not an active parent, that could work. It doesn't generally work well as a family dynamic, though, when the parents feel that it is their job to be the parent, not the oldest kid's job. (And again, that's a different struggle or situation if the oldest is 16 than if they are 6.) This is a dynamic I can't even begin to relate to so yes, I can understand the difficulties.
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 24, 2015 14:40:14 GMT -5
Other shoe kind of dropped last night.
Cupcake came home with homework from new school. C was helping her with it. She is a little below grade level, and got frustrated. As used to happen with Pop Tart, frustration brings on meltdowns and screams of "I want my mommy" and part of that is, even according to Cupcake, that "mommy" never made her do any of this stuff. Pop Tart helped calm Cupcake down, but then decided to be jealous of the attention Cupcake got from C (even though it was doing homework attention, and Pop Tart also hates homework attention.) I get home into this, and we need to take the dogs on a walk (something - they didn't get a dog park this weekend, and you could tell). Pop Tart decides she wants to have a fit about going on the walk, so Cupcake decides she should also have a fit about going on the walk. (Mind you, when I walked in, they were on the floor laughing and giggling with each other).
Walk went about as well as you can expect with an 11 and 7 year old both pouting and mad that they have to take a walk - meaning there were attempts to lag far behind, run ahead, be in the street, and generally not listen and be as miserable and attempt to make us as miserable as possible.
We get back home and decide to divide and conquer. C takes Pop Tart; I take Cupcake. Cupcake is now really only upset because Pop Tart is upset, and she wants what Pop Tart has, so the first 10 minutes of my conversation with her is pretty much all her saying "Why can't I talk to to C?"
We seem to get both girls calmed down and back in a good space. C asks Pop Tart to practice clarinet. We go back into shut down mode. We did end up agreeing that she could practice 4 days a week, at 25 minutes each day, instead of 5 days at 20 minutes each day. (We'll see how this actually works out, but we have heard directly from her band teacher that she's way ahead of the rest of the kids, so even if we only pull off 75 minutes a week, we should be okay.) So that gets Pop Tart out of practicing her clarinet which means she gets to watch an episode of TV, and puts her in a better mood.
Dinner goes okay. Family TV time (we're watching Legend of Korra). Both girls want to cuddle with....C. C says no, he's not cuddling with either of them. He sits on the couch to cuddle with me. Girls, who normally both happily sit together in the big man lazyboy, decide they are for some reason mad at each other, and won't sit together. Pop Tart takes up the entire recliner and Cupcake lies on the floor.
C and I sit on the couch, but C is looking longingly at his recliner (his back hurts and it's the most comfortable chair in the house), so he offers to trade Pop Tart spots if she's willing to cuddle with me (notice how I am the condolence prize - I harassed him later, that he, at least, should WANT to cuddle with me). She agrees.
Two episodes of Korra. That's how many we had told them we would watch. Over and both girls do a reflexive "no" to being told to go brush their teeth. (And reflexive no is something they are both getting into a bad habit of, so we're working on curbing that.) C mentions that the day has been pretty indulgent in that we've managed to not do any punishments other than time out, but if they want the day to end with a grounding, it can.
We get through teeth. There is girl giggling.
Bedtime. Pop Tart is sulking while we read in Cupcake's room, and decides she has to sit in C's lap while doing so. We get through the chapter we're reading in Powerpuff Girls and say goodnight to Cupcake and move Pop Tart into her room. Cupcake gets a book to "read" on her own (we come back in in 15 minutes or so for actual lights out). Cupcake then decides she needs to spend her time calling for C. C calls goodnight from the hallway but doesn't go back in, and also tells Cupcake she needs to stop. She keeps calling. I go in, and she's sitting there, looking through her book, but just reflexively calling his name. I tell her she has been given opportunities to stop, but she hasn't, so I'm taking the book and turning off the light. Of course, I then get the promise of I'll stop and I want the book back, but one of the things we're trying to teach them is that if they are given opportunities to stop before a punishment is handed down, stopping when we go to enforce the punishment does not mean there is no punishment (essentially, we don't allow deathbed confession). I take the book away, and put it on her shelf. Cupcake starts calling for C again. I tell her that if she keeps it up, she will be grounded. She stops. I turn off the overhead (night light is still on) and leave the room.
Pop Tart isn't even in bed at this point, and still needs to do her reading for school, which she normally does between bedtime and lights out time. She's still all mopey and jealous, so C agrees to lie in there and read his book while she reads hers. There's minor complaints when he leaves (but mostly that he's messed up her multiple layers of blankets).
So, not the best night, though also, really, not the worst night. Today will almost certainly be better as Cupcake's mentor will pick her up from school, help her with homework, feed her fast food, and not bring her home until about 6:30p, so Pop Tart will have dedicated C time after school, and dinner with just the two of us. (Thursdays, Pop Tart has her after school activity, so Cupcake gets 2 hours dedicated C time, and also gets dedicated me time -though that's apparently a punishment - when Pop Tart's in gymnastics.)
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 24, 2015 14:47:33 GMT -5
Uggg, here let me get a halo for you...
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 24, 2015 14:58:28 GMT -5
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 24, 2015 16:17:53 GMT -5
On some level, I doubt it's very different from raising bio-kids. One kid has a bad day and the other kid feeds on that negative energy. I would have preferred the meltdown on a weekend, when we both could have been home to deal with it the whole time, but it really wasn't that bad in the scope of things. I do feel a little hurt that no one wants to talk to me, but I also understand it. As a child, my mom was primary caregiver, and when I was sick or upset or whatever, I wanted my mom, not my dad, even though I very much love my dad and am still a bit of a daddy's girl. C is the primary caregiver, so it makes sense that they want him.
And luckily, C and I have each other to vent to. As he was telling me about Cupcake's "I want my mommy" moments, it was apparently accompanied by "my mommy never made me do this". And there's biting tongue and not pointing out that that's true, and you no longer live with mommy. Because 1) that would be cruel and 2) the state doesn't actually remove kids because parents don't make them do homework, though parents not making kids do homework is often a symptom of a billion other things that are wrong.
Oh, and a side little rant - we watched the Mr Peabody movie the other weekend. I LOVED Mr Peabody on Rocky and Bullwinkle and was so excited for it. Then we watched it- the main conflict, an evil social worker is trying to take Sherman from Mr Peabody because a dog shouldn't be able to raise a boy. Watched it with two children who have been removed from their parents by non-evil social workers for non-trivial reasons. Hate that so many kids movies take this concept of the state being evil and wanting to remove kids from homes for stupid reasons. As C mentioned in a FB post about it - he never really got trigger warnings, until we started trying to navigate kids movies with kids who haven't always lived in a safe home, who aren't with their birth families, and for whom, birth families aren't perfect and social workers and adoptive/step-parents aren't evil. At least, most of the time we're not evil.
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Feb 24, 2015 16:22:55 GMT -5
On some level, I doubt it's very different from raising bio-kids. One kid has a bad day and the other kid feeds on that negative energy. \ Yeah. That sounds like a typical night in my house. My girls can be best of friends and play for hours together nicely or they know exactly how to push eachother's buttons and make everyone miserable. And especially if my oldest is in a bad mood...she set the tone and gets the younger all riled up.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 24, 2015 16:24:33 GMT -5
On some level, I doubt it's very different from raising bio-kids. ...
"my mommy never made me do this". And there's biting tongue and not pointing out that that's true, and you no longer live with mommy. Because 1) that would be cruel and 2) the state doesn't actually remove kids because parents don't make them do homework,
he never really got trigger warnings, until we started trying to navigate kids movies with kids who haven't always lived in a safe home, I think you underestimate yourself. I never have to deal with worrying about triggers with DD or having her tell me "My mommy never..." There are additional layers of complexity involved, which is the need exceeds the supply.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 24, 2015 16:32:00 GMT -5
The Captain - true, but I never had to deal with 2am feedings, or changing diapers, or just trying to get the kid to stop crying when he's been fed, his diaper has been changed, and nothing appears to be wrong... We make our choices about what struggles we're willing to take on.
When Pop Tart did talk to me yesterday during the walk, she told me she would rather go to her BFF's house- because her BFF got everything she wanted, got to do everything she wanted, got better food, and had a phone. Now, I know her BFF's parents. Her BFF does not get everything she wants. She does not get to do everything she wants. She also has to do pretty much the exact same chores Pop Tart has to do. As for the better food- I said "really, you're complaining about having pizza for three days in a row?" (We ended up with way too much pizza for Cupcake's birthday party, so it has been kid dinner the last few nights, in addition to being lunch on Sunday when we had friends over.) In the end, it really came down to her BFF having a phone- which I'm not actually certain is true. So things settle. You do get past the "my mommy" stage (or so it seems)
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 20:43:02 GMT -5
Don't go to see Annie. The foster mom is a drunk that is only in it for the money and sells Annie off to some strangers.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 25, 2015 1:32:24 GMT -5
laterbloomer - at least with Annie, I know the story/am familiar with the Ms Hannigan character, so I know what to expect in advance
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2015 10:59:35 GMT -5
GW got accepted at her first choice university. Now she just needs to get her last 3 credits and she's off into the big bad world.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Feb 25, 2015 11:26:23 GMT -5
On some level, I doubt it's very different from raising bio-kids. One kid has a bad day and the other kid feeds on that negative energy. \ Yeah. That sounds like a typical night in my house. My girls can be best of friends and play for hours together nicely or they know exactly how to push eachother's buttons and make everyone miserable. And especially if my oldest is in a bad mood...she set the tone and gets the younger all riled up. DS alternates between wanting to play with DD to asking her to leave him alone. Sometimes within seconds. DD is a little more consistent. She'll tell her brother no and run off. DS will tell her no and then stay right next to her. Although for the record, if one kid in my house is throwing a tantrum, the other is usually pretty calm. It is a weird dynamic. But it is one of the reasons I love having 2 kids.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 25, 2015 16:12:03 GMT -5
laterbloomer - good for GW and for you! I bet its going to be hard letting her go.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2015 16:15:19 GMT -5
laterbloomer - good for GW and for you! I bet its going to be hard letting her go.
Some days. Other days I think "are you leaving yet?"
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Feb 25, 2015 17:07:59 GMT -5
GW got accepted at her first choice university. Now she just needs to get her last 3 credits and she's off into the big bad world. Yay! Congratulations to her - and to you! Great job!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 25, 2015 17:55:06 GMT -5
laterbloomer - good for GW and for you! I bet its going to be hard letting her go.
Some days. Other days I think "are you leaving yet?" In other words, you're having the same emotions every parent does.
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