taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,940
|
Post by taz157 on May 6, 2015 20:15:37 GMT -5
I had been wondering how things were going with Cupcake. I'm sorry to read it's not working out, but I know you have her best intentions in mind, along with Poptart, you, and C.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on May 7, 2015 10:23:11 GMT -5
TheOtherMe - We also feel bad for Cupcake (hence the massive amounts of guilt about this). Yet another move is going to suck for her. We are hoping to be able to have a transition period with a new placement, so it feels less like she's being abandoned by us, but we don't always have a say in that.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 28,110
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on May 7, 2015 18:20:52 GMT -5
TheOtherMe - We also feel bad for Cupcake (hence the massive amounts of guilt about this). Yet another move is going to suck for her. We are hoping to be able to have a transition period with a new placement, so it feels less like she's being abandoned by us, but we don't always have a say in that. I understand why you need to do this. I also know about abandonment issues and that is why I am concerned for her.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on May 10, 2015 22:07:37 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, shanendoah. What a blow. I know you're doing the right thing for her, but I'm sure that doesn't stop the guilt. How are you planning to address the subject with Pop Tart?
Happy Mothers Day to you and later. You two are most definitely mothers, maybe the best kind of mothers.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on May 11, 2015 17:51:03 GMT -5
Hope you had a good Mothers' Day, laterbloomer
For those who are interested, I wrote up some of my thoughts here.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 11, 2015 18:57:49 GMT -5
meh, my Mother's Day wasn't that great. GW is determined that I am just the lady she pays rent to these days and the newest girl just sees me as the lady that owns the house she happens to be living in. There needs to be some kind of unique title for people like us that doesn't include the word parent. Something that really reflects the unique role we play and doesn't make it seem like we are wannabee something else's. I don't know what the word is but it should mean "adult caring for a child/children they have no biological tie to but love very much".
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on May 11, 2015 19:03:16 GMT -5
GW is acting normal for her transitional phase. The other is probably so used to being shifted from one place to another, she stays aloof. Heart can't be hurt and the lack of hope for permanency has left its mark. .
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on May 11, 2015 19:04:12 GMT -5
Oops, sorry.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 11, 2015 19:10:22 GMT -5
"Caring for a child/children they ..... love very much". = parenting
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 28,110
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on May 11, 2015 20:10:28 GMT -5
Hope you had a good Mothers' Day, laterbloomer
For those who are interested, I wrote up some of my thoughts here. Had not thought of all those complications.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 11, 2015 21:11:44 GMT -5
laterbloomer shanendoah It would be totally appropriate for you to be "Awesome Mom" instead of just plain mom. IMHO.
|
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,940
|
Post by taz157 on May 11, 2015 21:34:37 GMT -5
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on May 12, 2015 0:06:29 GMT -5
laterbloomer *hugs* I know it doesn't help the complicated feelings all that much to hear it from random people on the internet, but you are an amazing mother. GW can't admit it now, but she's going to college BECAUSE OF YOU. She has this opportunity BECAUSE OF YOU. She's struggling and it sucks for you, but you are the whole reason she's at this point in her life, and that is because you are awesome. (I try to remember this in dealing with Pop Tart, though I'm not always good at it.) New Girl (NG) is new. Not certain what her bio-family status is. But I think that for this first year, it's okay for you to be the lady whose house she is staying in. With luck, this is a stable, long term placement for both of you, and next year, NG will be willing to make you breakfast. And GW will call you. Next year, always hold out hope for next year.
|
|
debthaven
Senior Associate
Joined: Apr 7, 2015 15:26:39 GMT -5
Posts: 10,617
|
Post by debthaven on May 12, 2015 17:05:19 GMT -5
Next year, always hold out hope for next year.
Or even next month, or the month after that, or next semester.
Later I hope she comes around sooner rather than later (no pun intended), but like Shan says, she is where she is today because of you. She has the opportunities she has today thanks to everything you have done and the time you have spent together.
And on some level, even if she's not ready to admit, she knows that.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on May 15, 2015 15:41:41 GMT -5
Meeting this afternoon with DSHS regarding Cupcake. They told us yesterday they wanted us to be there. Due to the late notice, neither of us can be there in person. C may not even be able to call in, if kids are in the house. Our social worker is on vacation starting today, so while another social worker from our agency will be filling in for her, it's not someone I've ever met. I am feeling a little out numbered.
I just have to keep reminding myself that this was not a decision we came to lightly or quickly. It is the right decision for our family, and in the long run, the best decision for Cupcake. I have to make sure I emphasize that while they can't sit on their hands and do nothing about finding her a placement, we are also willing to do a transition period so this doesn't feel like an abandonment to her.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on May 15, 2015 17:26:24 GMT -5
It is 3:25. Meeting was supposed to be at 3. My phone hasn't rung yet (they are supposed to call me)...
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on May 15, 2015 18:15:23 GMT -5
At 3:50, I finally give up waiting and head to the restroom, because I need to go. I've got the seat protector on and am pulling down my pants when my cell rings. Naturally. I zip and head to the office to actually take the call.
Bio-mom is in the room. For the call. They are trying for (yet another) family placement, which I think is a bad plan, but I know that's always their first option.
Foster kids aren't supposed to have more than like 4-5 foster placements in their life. We're placement number 12 for Cupcake, but only the second foster placement. Most of the placements have been family placements, and those haven't worked. She really needs to be with an experienced long term foster family. But those are in short supply, I know.
So, I focus on the fact that we are a foster to adopt family, and right now, Cupcake is not a candidate for adoption, nor does it appear she will be any time soon. And that's great the bio-mom is working on this, but this isn't the right fit for us. I was asked if there was anything that could be done about her behaviors. I said no, partly because Cupcake has reported being "whooped" by family members, or bio-mom threatening to stop the visits for poor behavior, and I don't want any of those things to happen. I simply said that in the first 24-36 hours after a visit, I was the enemy because I wasn't "Mom", and I didn't think there was any kind of couple week fix for that. After all, she is 7, and is still learning to control her emotions. Someone mentioned stopping the visits (don't know who, couldn't recognize all the voices) and I clearly stated that that was NOT what we wanted. She needs to be able to see her mom.
Went over the timeline with them. Told them that this was not a "she has to be out of the house now" thing, and that we're willing to do a transition. But also said "we are moving on this date and she does need to be in a new placement by then".
So, we'll see.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 28,110
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on May 15, 2015 19:23:16 GMT -5
This must have been difficult. You do care for Cupcake and she does not to see her biomom.
|
|
marvholly
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 11:45:21 GMT -5
Posts: 6,540
|
Post by marvholly on May 16, 2015 6:16:59 GMT -5
I have fostered. First time was a school friend of DD2 whose mom was in treatment for mental issues. Plan was & lasted for the entire school year. Second time was an emergency placement. Kid was a handful. After a few days he threatened DD2 with MAJOR bodily harm. I called and had him IMMEDIATLY removed from our home. NO way would I tolerate ANY physical threats to anyone.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 16, 2015 11:46:23 GMT -5
Hoping for you that they don't wait until the 11th hour for a new placement. On the plus side, Cupcake has a strong bond with her mom and mom is working to get her back. I hope they can accomplish that in the not-too-distant future.
It sounds like Cupcake disrupted PopTart's sense of family with you & C. Maybe you should remove yourself from the emergency placement list since they aren't able to give you totally accurate info in those cases. You & C seem like really caring people, so I am sure they pull at your heart-strings, but you need to focus on your existing family unit first & make sure that any future placements are truly what you are looking for.
Hoping for the best for your family & congrats on the new home!!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2015 10:09:03 GMT -5
So I've managed to convince another one that is wasn't so bad at home. I have these bizarre rules like sleep at night, go to school during the day, don't sleep over at your boyfriend's when you are 15, curfews...so the newest one is on a mission to go back and live with her mother. It is now CAS's problem.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2015 10:10:55 GMT -5
I guess I should elaborate. She went to school this morning and text her mother that if she didn't come get her within the hour she would run away. Thank goodness she went to school to do this so CAS and the school need to deal with her and I'm at work.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2015 12:07:50 GMT -5
So I've managed to convince another one that is wasn't so bad at home. I have these bizarre rules like sleep at night, go to school during the day, don't sleep over at your boyfriend's when you are 15, curfews...so the newest one is on a mission to go back and live with her mother. It is now CAS's problem. oh mer gahhhhd. I'm thinking it is a foregone conclusion that these kids have been in pretty unregulated home life situations. Like they have been un-parented for long enough that they are going to rebel against any rules. Is CAS supportive of your home rules? Why is it their issue? Wouldn't most kids want to go back home when faced with being in someone else's home with new rules (any rules)? I would think each placement comes with a hefty adjustment period. And teenage girls, shit, I barely survived my own!!! Bless you for dealing with these creatures that pretty much have 2 heads, horns and a tail from 14-17!!!!!!!!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2015 12:12:52 GMT -5
It is CAS's problem because technically she is in their custody, not mine. And she was good enough to go to school to make these ultimatums to everyone so they have to send a worker to deal, I'm at work. CAS is supportive of my rules, they are really very basic. Legally they have to go to school and the rest is around encouraging that to happen. Well except don't sleep at the boyfriend's. That one is meant to discourage teen age pregnancy, for what the effort is worth.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2015 12:13:52 GMT -5
What an apt description!!!
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on May 21, 2015 13:13:44 GMT -5
*sigh* Mine is starting to grow the horns and tail at 11.5...
laterbloomer - I totally get that. When Mini Wheat first arrived at our house, under no circumstances was he ever going to go back to his family. None. They were awful, terrible people who had betrayed him. Two months later when we were working on moving him to another home (we weren't a good fit for many reasons), he was considering asking to go back. Not because he missed them. That was very obviously not the case. It was because with family (his grandma in this case) he was not expected to do anything he did not want to do. It was a combination of neglect and overparenting. Grandma had still been helping bathe him, had never made him make his own cereal, let alone sandwich or help setting the table. But, to go along with that, he got to play whatever video games he wanted. Go where ever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and no one ever even asked him a about homework/school. So our house was a shock. A big shock. I remember the first morning when he said "I want mini wheats for breakfast" (okay, that might not have been the cereal, but it is certainly one of the common cereals at our house) and I said - you know where bowls and spoons are (he had helped set the table the night before), milk is in the fridge, get yourself some cereal. He looked at me like I had two heads.
I think he was a bit disappointed that the foster home he moved to had very similar rules to ours. In fact, they even pulled him out of the school he loved so much to be in the one in their district so that they could more closely monitor his school work.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2015 13:28:49 GMT -5
She had gone on relief for the weekend and found out other foster homes have more demands than mine does so she didn't want to move to one of them. She told the worker that talked to her today that she had lied about her mom. Also, for some reason the fact that I got her to rake the back yard one day 3 weeks ago when she stayed home from school came up. Not sure how that became relevant but they will give me a debriefing lol
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 28,110
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on May 21, 2015 21:22:20 GMT -5
Your rules are the same kind of rules my parents had for me and I did not rebel against them.
later, I feel bad for you when you are trying to help these girls and they can't see that. I doubt they have had rules in their family, but if they have been in foster homes, have they not had rules? The rules you have are not unreasonable in the least.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 20:28:17 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2015 21:28:12 GMT -5
laterbloomer did she come home to you tonight or run away as threatened?
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2015 1:45:28 GMT -5
The foster mom that had the girl I was a GAL to would not take any girl into her home that did not have Norplant. She said she had enough to deal with, teenage pregnancy wasn't going to be on that list. Considering she had girls lined up to get in her home and foster care made an exception for her and allowed 2 girls to a room, she was a pretty popular mom.
|
|