azucena
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Post by azucena on Apr 15, 2015 11:52:42 GMT -5
I don't post very often but wanted to say that I was a relatively easy teen right up until the point that I was getting ready to go away to college. Then, I became horribly ugly with my mom. I think for me it was my way of acting tough and working through the fear of being on my own soon. Something like establishing my own dominance. Not sure if that makes any sense but wanted to throw the thought out there. Some people can't stand to be afraid so instead turn to anger. It feels more empowering in the moment. Anyway, my mom loved me through it and stood firm in her rules. It was a rough yr, but we made it through and now that I'm 36 she's still my first call for help and advice. Hang in there!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2015 12:15:54 GMT -5
Thanks azucena, especially the part about sticking to the rules. It would be easier in the moment to let go of the rules and be buddies but I don't think it would be good for her in the long run.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 15, 2015 15:51:30 GMT -5
I'm really hoping it is a stage mmhmm, a really, really unattractive stage. It usually is, thankfully. The problem is, it comes on at a time when the young person really, really doesn't need it; although, I guess there's no time when it would be a welcome event. Hopefully, she'll get through it quickly and concentrate on what she can make of herself.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Apr 15, 2015 20:34:52 GMT -5
Hugs, later. I hope it's a short lived stage.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 15, 2015 21:13:43 GMT -5
Another one who hopes it is a short lived stage. You have done so much for her. Someday she will appreciate that.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Apr 16, 2015 10:54:17 GMT -5
As a wise older cousin told me regarding my own son, "he is only doing what he needs to do so you'll do what you need to do", which is to let go and let him try to fly.
Hopefully, that is what GW is doing. She has had several years of good care, wise mentoring, and a wonderful example of how to be a responsible adult woman.
It may not seem it at times, but I am certain some of it "took". It might just be a while before you see any evidence.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 16, 2015 13:13:36 GMT -5
Shane, seriously, you are a better person than I am. I would be setting up visits with biomom to get the hair dealt with. If I felt it best that I not be present, I'd find and hire a 3rd party to do the "babysitting" part of it. And I'd document every damn attempt I'd made previously that was stymied and every visit I set up.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 19, 2015 10:22:47 GMT -5
Speaking of the hair issue, I thought this video (made by the kid who plays Rue in the first Hunger Games movie) was pretty interesting. She discusses the link between black hair and cultural appropriation. www.themarysue.com/amandla-stenberg-video/
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Apr 19, 2015 12:22:48 GMT -5
Just wanted to talk about the black hair....
My wife and the women in her family bread their hair before heading to bed... My wife cannot go to bed without breading her hair or when she wakes up it is a tangled up mess and it takes her longer to brush/untangle
The women in my side of the family do the following: - bread the hair really tight and keep it in that style for awhile, easy peasy (cornrows) - my mom and sister just put their hair in a hair net or use a scarf to tie up their air and keep it in place.
Black women and their hair.... A Book can be written about it. Chris Rock did a documentary about it. And wait till she hits the age where the decision is between natural hair vs permed hair.
My wife and her mother keep their hair natural (no perm) and it is more maintenance vs the straight /easier to maintain perm look that the other cousins in her family have.
She had perm in her younger years and in college when she decided to go natural she had to cut all her hair off (like mine, down to the scalp) to allow it to grow back all natural.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2015 15:52:31 GMT -5
Just wanted to talk about the black hair.... My wife and the women in her family bread their hair before heading to bed... My wife cannot go to bed without breading her hair or when she wakes up it is a tangled up mess and it takes her longer to brush/untangle The women in my side of the family do the following: - bread the hair really tight and keep it in that style for awhile, easy peasy (cornrows) - my mom and sister just put their hair in a hair net or use a scarf to tie up their air and keep it in place. Black women and their hair.... A Book can be written about it. Chris Rock did a documentary about it. And wait till she hits the age where the decision is between natural hair vs permed hair. My wife and her mother keep their hair natural (no perm) and it is more maintenance vs the straight /easier to maintain perm look that the other cousins in her family have. She had perm in her younger years and in college when she decided to go natural she had to cut all her hair off (like mine, down to the scalp) to allow it to grow back all natural. That's funny because it's true. Braids would be a good option for Cupcake because they're low maintenance until you have to take them down but it doesn't sound like she'd be willing to let somebody braid her hair. I can't think of anything other than braids that will still look neat after a couple of days without combing it. Even if they get on schedule with the Mom doing her hair once a week, it still needs basic care until she sees her Mom again.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 21, 2015 13:23:03 GMT -5
Wisconsin Beth - Sadly, it's more complicated than that. The person who supervises the visits between Cupcake and her mother has to be approved by the state - have gone through all the background checks, etc. And here's the other thing - we don't want to be the people who set up the visits. They tried putting that on us, and it never worked because the social workers were never available to supervise (and we're not at the point where we are comfortable supervising). So we have said that we will do everything in our power to make Cupcake available, but they need to actually set up the visits.
braids - Cupcake's hair was in braids when she came to us. Yes, the plan is to have it back in braids, but she needs a visit with her mom that lasts longer than 1 hour at an Old Country Buffet for that to happen. She is getting better- I can wash/condition her hair without it causing a breakdown. Pop Tart can put her hair up in an easy style (4 little pom poms on her head) without it being a big deal, most of the time (but not all of the time). But hair is very much a bonding issue between Cupcake and her mom, and since we suspect that it is possible mom will get custody back, that's not a fight I want to have/a bonding experience I want to come between.
laterbloomer - I hope things get better with GW. I would also guess that this is her trying to figure out how she's going to live without your guiding influence. It's actually easier to "rebel"/try out the new lifestyle while she still has the safety net of living in your house.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2015 16:56:10 GMT -5
GW and I talked last night and she is going to adjust her attitude with me but she wants "space". She has agreed that she will keep me informed of her plans and to speak to me respectfully. It's more pleasant around the house.
In the meantime a new girl has moved in. She's 14. I'm not sure how long this placement is for. She is chatty but talks quietly. Kind of soothing actually. I like her. I counted up yesterday and realised this young lady is the 7th I've had here. And not one of them has been terrible. LGW was the most difficult for me but we were the wrong match, she needs a stay at home parent. I've had times I've been really aggravated etc but I've had more that have been a lot of fun.
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Robert not Bobby
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Post by Robert not Bobby on Apr 21, 2015 17:05:19 GMT -5
Latebloomer (BTW how late was it that you bloomed...just kiddin|) obviously I don't know you, but I respect you immensely for being a foster parent/mom.
I am sure you have changed some lives for the better...and how many of us can say that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2015 17:13:30 GMT -5
LOL Robert not Bobby, that refers to financial blooming and really late! And thank you, despite the complaining folks see here I really enjoy it.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 22, 2015 7:21:18 GMT -5
Wisconsin Beth - Sadly, it's more complicated than that. The person who supervises the visits between Cupcake and her mother has to be approved by the state - have gone through all the background checks, etc. And here's the other thing - we don't want to be the people who set up the visits. They tried putting that on us, and it never worked because the social workers were never available to supervise (and we're not at the point where we are comfortable supervising). So we have said that we will do everything in our power to make Cupcake available, but they need to actually set up the visits.
braids - Cupcake's hair was in braids when she came to us. Yes, the plan is to have it back in braids, but she needs a visit with her mom that lasts longer than 1 hour at an Old Country Buffet for that to happen. She is getting better- I can wash/condition her hair without it causing a breakdown. Pop Tart can put her hair up in an easy style (4 little pom poms on her head) without it being a big deal, most of the time (but not all of the time). But hair is very much a bonding issue between Cupcake and her mom, and since we suspect that it is possible mom will get custody back, that's not a fight I want to have/a bonding experience I want to come between.
laterbloomer - I hope things get better with GW. I would also guess that this is her trying to figure out how she's going to live without your guiding influence. It's actually easier to "rebel"/try out the new lifestyle while she still has the safety net of living in your house.
Yeah, I figured there was something else going on. As I said, you're a better person than I am. It also sounds like Cupcake and Pop Tart are probably doing some bonding of their own with the hair thing. Sisters doing each other's hair or something that in Cupcake's mind is ok and not replacing her Mom like you would be. Or maybe during the "good times" she saw aunts doing each other's hair or something like that.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 22, 2015 20:01:14 GMT -5
Later, I'm glad things are going better with GW. I'm also glad that you have another foster child living with you. You are a positive influence on every one of these children. Look how long GW has been with you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2015 10:31:15 GMT -5
GW is coming up on 4 years. I consider her placement a success. She is off to university for September.
I really like the new girl that is with me but I'm trying not to get too attached. I don't know how long she will be with me. If she stays in care it will be almost exactly 3 years until she graduates and turns 18.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2015 10:53:52 GMT -5
I think you are awesome for what you are doing for these older kids!
Does GW have a good sense of self & self-worth? If she has been in abusive family situations in the past, she is likely to get herself hooked up with guys that aren't the best for her. She'll head for someone controlling/dominating if that is the family dynamic she considers normal. I only mention this because the only times my older DD verbally attacked me in the way you described GW doing was when she had a controlling BF that was trying to separate her from her family. She became very volatile for a while and was irrationally nasty & said things like you mention. They were obviously coming from someone else's mouth through her. There were some cues I missed during that time, so just want to raise the potential so you can think through it. If the behavior is uncharacteristic, it may be more than separation behavior.
Separating behavior with a girl (in my experience) is more like "you ruined my life" "you just want me to be like you" "you are a crappy mother" statements (personalized attacks). The statement that you are just a person she pays rent to really sounds like someone else feeding her that to create a divide between you. Someone else that wants to take advantage of her subsidy to pay rent maybe?
As long as you assure her that you still want to be part of her life she'll come back around. Will she attend school somewhere that you could visit once a quarter (or on those hideous parent weekends)? I think a continuing relationship would be beneficial to her in the long run.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2015 10:59:18 GMT -5
Thanks Rockit, I will pay attention to that possibility. I've seen no evidence of that but they don't spend a whole lot of time with me when they are together. I think the line about only being someone she pays rent to comes from her mother. I have told her a few times that I love her even when I completely disagree with her.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 24, 2015 19:49:38 GMT -5
GW is coming up on 4 years. I consider her placement a success. She is off to university for September.
I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I had no idea at that age of all the things my mom had taught me. You have been the mother figure in her life. Someday she will recognize this. It wasn't until I had moved far away from my mom and matured that I realized what she had taught me. Now that she is gone, I realize even more all the things she taught me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2015 21:36:01 GMT -5
Thanks TheOtherMe. She has decided to be nice again, we will see how long it lasts. In the meantime I really like the newest girl. I think I would enjoy having 3 years with her.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Apr 25, 2015 6:20:56 GMT -5
i was AMAZED when shortly out of college DD1 actually told us we were NOT bad parents. Seems a close friend's parents had really hit him $$ since they told him they woudl pay his college loans & the day after graduation reneged.
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2015 9:07:35 GMT -5
So that little reprieve is over. It seems the only way to keep peace in the house is for me to let her keep lying to me and not say anything about it. This 2 months can't pass fast enough sigh
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justme
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Post by justme on May 4, 2015 9:25:01 GMT -5
I remember when I was home from college once it coming up in conversation that my mom knew a lot more of my lies than she let me know. She refused to give examples, so I don't know how accurate she really was. I just laughed and said I don't care what you know as long as I didn't get in trouble for it! She was taken aback some before she laughed.
I'm sure you're already do this, but my advice is to let the smaller lies go. I don't recall many big lies at that age (though not having a bf sure lowered the need to lie lol) so most of them were born from not wanting an argument or "knowing" the answer would be no.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on May 5, 2015 6:11:11 GMT -5
"knowing the answer would be no"
that is just the tactic DD2 used. She saw what got her older sister in trouble and just avoided asking for permission.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2015 15:14:40 GMT -5
Things are going well with the newest. She is really timid so the fact that she came out of her room to take pics on the back deck is a big deal/ I just have to let her get used to me.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 5, 2015 18:38:17 GMT -5
I just didn't ask when I knew the answer would be no when I was that age. In later years, when I told my mom some of things I had done, she was not happy.
It started out in about 7th grade when my best friend and I rode our bicycles much farther than we were allowed. We figured what our mothers didn't know didn't hurt us or them. Luckily nothing ever happened to us and we were smart enough to travel in pairs on our adventures.
Happy to hear the newest girl is feeling able to leave her room to take pictures. That is progress.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 6, 2015 10:43:07 GMT -5
laterbloomer - maybe GW thinks it will be easier to say goodbye/leave if you two are "mad" at each other when it comes time. Hugs to both of you, because I know it is a time of really complicated emotions for everyone involved. And I am glad things seem to be working out with the new girl. I hope you're able to provide a stable, long term home for her teen years, like you were for GW.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 6, 2015 10:48:55 GMT -5
We are going to be working to find Cupcake a new placement. I'd like to say it is breaking my heart, but it is not. There is a ton of guilt around it, but no heart break. Neither C nor I have really bonded with her. That factor, combined with the truth that parental rights are not going to be terminated soon, and that we are moving north, while all of her family visits are in the south end, means that we think she will be better off in another home. The biggest challenge is going to be how we talk to her about it. Not looking forward to that, but we are hoping for a gradual transition - where she can go spend weekends with a new family first, etc, so she's not abandoned at a DSHS office for a day. Because we don't want her to feel like she's being abandoned again.
Yeah, just lots of guilt about it, but we honestly think it's for the best.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 6, 2015 19:45:06 GMT -5
I feel bad for Cupcake, but I understand why you are doing what you are doing. Last thing she needs is more abandonment issues.
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