Retiring to Florida[{locked}]

[Peace77]

Here's a place in Palm Beach Gardens owned by the same company that owns local popular retirement places:

devonshirepga.com/index.asp

[Deleted]

We actually don't vacation.  DH has gone back to Phoenix a few times, but his back hurts him so badly these days that he's not sure he can sit in an airplane.  I have a hard time doing a 20 minute drive with him.  Plus, if we left for a month, there would probably be nothing left in the house.  Crime is alive and well in our area.

I do think we will try the renting a little closer to when we decide we will really being doing this.  DH suggested I look out west because he is from Phoenix, and my sister lives in New Mexico.  We had a small "discussion" because I refuse to live in a manufactured home.  No, no, and no.  It is a bias from living in a tornado-prone area, but it also a depreciating asset.  No, no, and no.

What I discovered, and this is definitely not absolute, is that many places define "senior communities" as the first step toward assisted living.  One had an incredibly expensive buy-in, but promised not to kick you out when your funds ran out!  That is not what we are thinking about.  Another interesting one did a 2-bedroom for $3000 a month that included meals, housekeeping, all household utilities including internet and cable but telephone, household maintenance, etc.  But was that for one person or two?  Others have great amenities, but we want to be able to easily get to the dr. without having to drive ourselves.  This is for later, not now, but we want our last house.  You can't even get a taxi where we live now. 

It's fun to have a goal, especially as I peruse house porn.  I think I will suggest to HGTV that they do a new series for seniors.  I actually think it would be a hit.  It would be like House Hunters, but the buyers would be looking at senior communities.

[Deleted]

Apr 6, 2014 19:34:06 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Here's a place in Palm Beach Gardens owned by the same company that owns local popular retirement places:

devonshirepga.com/index.asp

Lol, Peace.  You guys do know that I am just a school teacher from Alabama?  I can afford The Villages although I won't be living in the luxury places that BlondeGranny probably would select.  I can't do the buy-in at a place like this even in my dreams!!!!

[Peace77]

You never know what people have saved for retirement.  I've heard about ultra frugal librarians who left millions in the will to everyone's shock.

[raeoflyte]

Not to side track-but do you think there is a chance that you'll have more time with your kids/grandkids when you retire? If lack of family involvement is a driving force for why you want to move, I'd really pursue how retirement will change that dynamic. You won't be tired from your day/week and may want to watch the kids more often, you'll be available for those last minute things. Doesn't your daughter work weekends? When your off during the week you may find time to connect with each other more.

I don't know the dynamic between you and your daughter, but I know how overwhelmed I can get with 2 kids, working and trying to keep my house in a halfway presentable condition. My parents see the kids a lot more than my in-laws in part because they are retired and because they focus on how they can help us-and we don't say no to help.

If none of that is applicable than I'd definitely look for someplace that your kids will want to visit. Make sure the community has a pool that the kids can play in too.

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[Deleted]

Apr 6, 2014 19:34:06 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Here's a place in Palm Beach Gardens owned by the same company that owns local popular retirement places:

devonshirepga.com/index.asp

That looks like assisted living. And the buy-in is "oh my" 

[Blonde Granny]

There is a del Webb place in Ocala, prices are less than the villages.  Pennbrooke fairways in leesburg is nice, way way less expensive.  Plantation in Leesburg in Leesburg is also less.

there are many places in central Florida that would likely fit your budget.

[Peace77]

Apr 6, 2014 20:36:25 GMT -5 @lillylake said:

Apr 6, 2014 19:34:06 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Here's a place in Palm Beach Gardens owned by the same company that owns local popular retirement places:

devonshirepga.com/index.asp

That looks like assisted living. And the buy-in is "oh my" 

No, it's full spectrum.  It starts out as independent living and then has more services as you need them.

[Deleted]

Apr 6, 2014 20:32:52 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Not to side track-but do you think there is a chance that you'll have more time with your kids/grandkids when you retire? If lack of family involvement is a driving force for why you want to move, I'd really pursue how retirement will change that dynamic. You won't be tired from your day/week and may want to watch the kids more often, you'll be available for those last minute things. Doesn't your daughter work weekends? When your off during the week you may find time to connect with each other more.

I don't know the dynamic between you and your daughter, but I know how overwhelmed I can get with 2 kids, working and trying to keep my house in a halfway presentable condition. My parents see the kids a lot more than my in-laws in part because they are retired and because they focus on how they can help us-and we don't say no to help.

If none of that is applicable than I'd definitely look for someplace that your kids will want to visit. Make sure the community has a pool that the kids can play in too.

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Um, driving 45 minutes one way to be my daughter's last minute babysitter for four kids under the age of seven isn't exactly a fantasy of mine.    

[milee]

Apr 7, 2014 6:21:30 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

Apr 6, 2014 20:32:52 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Not to side track-but do you think there is a chance that you'll have more time with your kids/grandkids when you retire? If lack of family involvement is a driving force for why you want to move, I'd really pursue how retirement will change that dynamic. You won't be tired from your day/week and may want to watch the kids more often, you'll be available for those last minute things. Doesn't your daughter work weekends? When your off during the week you may find time to connect with each other more.

I don't know the dynamic between you and your daughter, but I know how overwhelmed I can get with 2 kids, working and trying to keep my house in a halfway presentable condition. My parents see the kids a lot more than my in-laws in part because they are retired and because they focus on how they can help us-and we don't say no to help.

If none of that is applicable than I'd definitely look for someplace that your kids will want to visit. Make sure the community has a pool that the kids can play in too.

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Um, driving 45 minutes one way to be my daughter's last minute babysitter for four kids under the age of seven isn't exactly a fantasy of mine.    

Understandable.  This will sound harsher than it's meant to be, so please take it as intended - just an outsider's interpretation and suggestion.

Driving 45 minutes one way to be your daughter's last minute babysitter for four kids under the age of seven isn't fun for you, so you've chosen not to do it.  Driving 45 minutes one way to visit her mother who she feels is judgmental about her children and doesn't appear to be interested in her kids' lives isn't fun for your daughter, so she's chosen not to do it.  Those decisions are at the heart of why you're not closer with your kids.

Maybe that's OK with you, but I suspect from your OP that you are actually bothered by the lack of closeness because you spent more time describing that than you did information about your retirement plans.  If the lack of closeness is not OK, then you can probably make changes in that fairly quickly, but it's going to require you sometimes doing things you're not really interested in doing.  If you want to retire to Florida, that doesn't mean you're not close to your family and is a whole different thread, IMHO.  I'm only bringing up the closeness to family thing since it sounds to me like you are sad about it and would actually really like to be closer to your family.  (I even wonder a little if part of the impetus behind your discussion of moving to Florida is you making a point to your kids, but that may be reading into it too much?)

Anyway, take it for what it's worth, but IMHO forget about the Florida discussion because you're not ready and don't really sound all that interested anyway.  Instead, focus on the family stuff.  You've still got time to be closer.

[gooddecisions]

My kids will likely never be close to their grandparents either because babysitting is also not their idea of a good time. So, we pay for baby sitters and see grandparents a handful of times a year- when it's convenient for them. They insist they want to babysit, but when we call and ask- a month in advance for a few hours (birthday dinners or weddings, for example)- they say no. I can't even get a commitment to watch our 2 year old when I go into labor any day now, which is stressing me out.

They complain about the lack of closeness, but the solution is simple if you ask me. Make it a priority. We work full time and they are retired. I would be all for regular Sunday dinners (at my house or their house) or something that was a routine, but they like to leave everything tentative so that they can be sure it's convenient for them. They hate schedules and want to be spontaneous. I think the whole situation is very sad. But, it's their life, they raised their kids and if this is the relationship they want with grandkids, that's their prerogative.

[Deleted]

My mom is currently an hour away. We see her almost every week. We often meet in the middle for lunch. I know op it's easier since I homeschool, but once you aren't working, and as age, joining them for activities might become much easier...

[Blonde Granny]

Susana, you mentioned the problems your DH is having. 10 years age difference between 60 and 70 is many times, far greater than the ages of 40-50 or 50-60.  Dh and I have recently made decisions on where we are living, and what activities etc. we actually can do.

DH has many many serious medical problems, (he will be 70 in 2 months), than we ever anticipated 10 years ago.  You may find that staying put is going to be your best option.  Since we've been retired  for 18 years, it's a little easier now for us to let go of some dreams for the future.   Our past is filled with wonderful memories of what we have been able to do, and we're grateful for the years we've had...

Best of luck with your future, the right decisions will come.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 7, 2014 6:21:30 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

Apr 6, 2014 20:32:52 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Not to side track-but do you think there is a chance that you'll have more time with your kids/grandkids when you retire? If lack of family involvement is a driving force for why you want to move, I'd really pursue how retirement will change that dynamic. You won't be tired from your day/week and may want to watch the kids more often, you'll be available for those last minute things. Doesn't your daughter work weekends? When your off during the week you may find time to connect with each other more.

I don't know the dynamic between you and your daughter, but I know how overwhelmed I can get with 2 kids, working and trying to keep my house in a halfway presentable condition. My parents see the kids a lot more than my in-laws in part because they are retired and because they focus on how they can help us-and we don't say no to help.

If none of that is applicable than I'd definitely look for someplace that your kids will want to visit. Make sure the community has a pool that the kids can play in too.

Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards

Um, driving 45 minutes one way to be my daughter's last minute babysitter for four kids under the age of seven isn't exactly a fantasy of mine.    

If that was/is the only potential for your relationship with your daughter fair enough. My parents mean so much more to me than last minute babysitters. We do a lot of sharing-both ways- between the mundane conversations of where and when the kids are going though.



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[Blonde Granny]

If our DIL wanted us to be a constant presence in her life and the lives of our grandchildren, we'd be there with bells on!! However, she has made is very clear over the past 20 years that we are only to be tolerated, and then only on her terms. That is the reason we are  no closer to them than a 7 hour drive.

If something happens to DH before me, I will NOT be staying in Arkansas.  I will be moving to the city they live in.  I've seen the problems that arise when adult children end up responsible for their elderly parents.  Neither of us will put our son through that situation.  At that point, the DIL will just have to deal with.  And frankly, I won't care if she likes it or not.

We have never made an issue of things with our son: He loves her, she is a great Mom and wife, so we keep our mouths shut and continue to act as grandparents whenever we have the opportunity.

[Chocolate Lover]

Susanna, have you checked out the Alabama Gulf coast? Might be something there you'd like.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 7, 2014 6:54:04 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

My kids will likely never be close to their grandparents either because babysitting is also not their idea of a good time. So, we pay for baby sitters and see grandparents a handful of times a year- when it's convenient for them. They insist they want to babysit, but when we call and ask- a month in advance for a few hours (birthday dinners or weddings, for example)- they say no. I can't even get a commitment to watch our 2 year old when I go into labor any day now, which is stressing me out.

They complain about the lack of closeness, but the solution is simple if you ask me. Make it a priority. We work full time and they are retired. I would be all for regular Sunday dinners (at my house or their house) or something that was a routine, but they like to leave everything tentative so that they can be sure it's convenient for them. They hate schedules and want to be spontaneous. I think the whole situation is very sad. But, it's their life, they raised their kids and if this is the relationship they want with grandkids, that's their prerogative.

Are you my sil?

Good luck with labor and delivery and early welcome to the newest gooddeciscion household!

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[Phoenix84]

Southernsusana, I want to warn you about something, specifically my relationship (or lack thereof really) with my grandparents.

My maternal grandparents basically did what you're thinking about doing, retiring and thurndering straight off to Florida.  Growing up, I never saw them more than once a year, if that.  It didn't help matters that they both died at 67, when I was about 10, but still, I have very few memories of time spent with them.

My dad grew up in Florida, and my paternal grandfather lived there as well.  My paternal grandmother died before I was born.  I saw him just about as often, once maybe every 1-2 years, much less when I became a teen and older.

Basically, trust me, your grandkids WILL notice your absence during their childhood.  I can understand that you don't see your grandkids much as it is, but it is something to consider.  When it's all said and done, are you ok with not being part of their lives, with them not really knowing you and who you are?

Why does it specifically have to be Florida?  There are plenty of retirement communities as you described in every state in the union.

I know it's more of an emotional argument than a reasoned one, but it is something I have personal experience with, and my parents have both sworn to never move because they want to actually be part of their grandchildrens lives, unlike their parents'.

[Phoenix84]

I guess what I'd suggest as an alternative to moving to Florida is to try and find a retirement community as you described, a "golfcart community," there in Alabama.  I'm sure they're around, and that way you can have all the social aspects you want wile being closer to your family.

I can understand not wanting to have retirement being just sitting around waiting for your kids/grandkids to call or visit, and that you want a life of your own.  But you don't need to go to Florida to build that kind of life.

[gooddecisions]

Apr 7, 2014 10:30:50 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

If our DIL wanted us to be a constant presence in her life and the lives of our grandchildren, we'd be there with bells on!! However, she has made is very clear over the past 20 years that we are only to be tolerated, and then only on her terms. That is the reason we are  no closer to them than a 7 hour drive.

If something happens to DH before me, I will NOT be staying in Arkansas.  I will be moving to the city they live in.  I've seen the problems that arise when adult children end up responsible for their elderly parents.  Neither of us will put our son through that situation.  At that point, the DIL will just have to deal with.  And frankly, I won't care if she likes it or not.

We have never made an issue of things with our son: He loves her, she is a great Mom and wife, so we keep our mouths shut and continue to act as grandparents whenever we have the opportunity.

This is probably how I will be perceived eventually as well. But, frankly I'm sick of it and don't want to bend my schedule over backwards to accommodate retirees. If I didn't work full-time, it might be different, but I doubt it. As soon as we started her in daycare at 3 months old, I put them on the safe list and welcomed them to pick her up and do something with her- if during my work week was more ideal. But, god forbid, they might actually think they were baby sitting instead of building a strong bond with their granddaughter. Same deal if they called up and said, I want to take her to the Children's museum for a couple of hours on a Saturday. I would be thrilled that they took some initiative and wanted to play with her. But, that has never happened, because again...it would be too much like baby sitting. It's either we all hang out together at one person's inconvenience or none of us hang out together.

They bought a car seat and have never once used it. They make passive aggressive comments about their other son and his wife and how they never see them because they require 3-days advance notice to visit. That granddaughter is 12 now and pretty much has no relationship with them. Same deal with another son and his 16 year old. I also think sons should take some initiative for managing their family's relationship with their parents. It shouldn't all be on the women to figure it out. DILs just can't win.

My parents will not be close either because they retired 14 hours away to Florida and we only see each other once or twice a year. I observe my baby-boomer friends in their 60's and very few of them have strong relationships with their grandchildren. It just isn't a priority. Grandchildren are chores.

[swasat]

Apr 7, 2014 12:47:27 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

This is probably how I will be perceived eventually as well. But, frankly I'm sick of it and don't want to bend my schedule over backwards to accommodate retirees. If I didn't work full-time, it might be different, but I doubt it. As soon as we started her in daycare at 3 months old, I put them on the safe list and welcomed them to pick her up and do something with her- if during my work week was more ideal. But, god forbid, they might actually think they were baby sitting instead of building a strong bond with their granddaughter. Same deal if they called up and said, I want to take her to the Children's museum for a couple of hours on a Saturday. I would be thrilled that they took some initiative and wanted to play with her. But, that has never happened, because again...it would be too much like baby sitting. It's either we all hang out together at one person's inconvenience or none of us hang out together.

They bought a car seat and have never once used it. They make passive aggressive comments about their other son and his wife and how they never see them because they require 3-days advance notice to visit. That granddaughter is 12 now and pretty much has no relationship with them. Same deal with another son and his 16 year old. I also think sons should take some initiative for managing their family's relationship with their parents. It shouldn't all be on the women to figure it out. DILs just can't win.

My parents will not be close either because they retired 14 hours away to Florida and we only see each other once or twice a year. I observe my baby-boomer friends in their 60's and very few of them have strong relationships with their grandchildren. It just isn't a priority. Grandchildren are chores.

I have a similar kinda situation going on.


My in laws or parents don't live in our city. They are both about an 8 hour drive away. However, DH's has some close relatives in our city. When I was pregnant the first time I couldn't stop hearing how they want to babysit and spent time with the new baby etc etc. Then DS was born. When he was about 5 months old DH asked me if his aunt can keep him for a few hours, and we could go catch a movie or something. I said sure, why not. His aunt refused outright!! Said she felt she was being used. So ok, after that we didn't ask her. 

That same year, around Christmas, she declares during the family gathering how she "yearns" to soend time with grand nephew but never gets a chance. DH took her ip on it and argued she never wants to keep the baby, what can we do about it?? Turns out her expectation was that whenever she wants to spend the time with the baby, DH and I were expected to land at her place for the few hours (decided by her) with the kid. We were to look after the kid (like change diapers, feed him, put him to bed etc) , she wanted the good parts of keeping the baby, none of the chores. Ummm.....no    Anything else is considered "baby sitting" a.k.a. Being taken advantage of    We were to disrupt our lives to suit her convenience. A few times I can do that. Every freaking time, no way in hell!!!


Needless to say, there isn't much bonding between my kids and his aunt.

[Blonde Granny]

We have taken the back seat since our son and DIL were engaged in 1994. Her parents are the Grandparents in Chief and that was clearly indicated to us from the beginning. I can't begin to tell anyone the hoops we've jumped through trying to have a relationship with DIL, but to no avail.

We finally did ask to take them someplace when they were about 6 & 8, DIL said yes and we about fell over. Now we take the 3 of them to breakfast on a Sunday morning (that's when we usually leave), and they love it.  Since the oldest are now 15 & 13 it's turning in taking them to lunch.....of course these times have always been without the parents.

We've tried 3 times to have a holiday with everyone, and after the last fiasco, we said NO MORE!  The other Grandmother is a wild eyed bitch, and blatantly does things just to annoy us and to show us again how she's the one in charge.  Rather than make a scene, we quietly accept it.  We will not cause problems for our son...our only child....and she is their only child.

So now, every holiday is spent, just DH and me.  I refuse to stay home at Christmas, so we always leave a couple days before for our winter trip of one month.

Needless to say, I cry a lot over it all.....and if my DIL only knew what a real bitch a MIL can be, I'd have introduced her to mine. 

[swasat]

Oh Blonde Granny 

If some one does not want a relationship, you just can't do anything about it. I think you guys have behaved in a very mature way. I feel for you, I really do   Here you are, wanting a relationship with your grandkids and you DIL not allowing you. And here gooddecisions and I am, wanting and facilitating ways for the grandparents to bond with our kids, but the grandparents not making any effort for it.

Amazing how God creates families. 

[Blonde Granny]

The funny thing is, when we are forced so to speak to be together with DIL parents, the grandkids still prefer us. I do get a kick out of seeing the other Grandmother being ignored......I'm so bad!! And actually DIL Dad is quite nice, but has spent his life being run over by the bitch!.

[jras]

Susana, I logged in to reply because I am 'boots on the ground' in Florida: you and I are about the same age, I have 4 years until 'FRA': and my mom moved from the North to live in a retirement community here.

As Swamp mentioned, Bradenton-Sarasota is a nice area on the Gulf coast. They're near the big city of Tampa but not too close. Bradenton has a nice mix-up of "culture"...Mexican immigrants, working class people, rich folks. Sarasota has a lot of snowbirds from up North, Canada, and Europe, as well as a lot of transplants from these area. It is actually a pretty cosmopolitan area, unlike most of Florida, with a lot of highly rich people on the coastal properties. To the south a bit is Venice, smaller and cheaper than Sarasota and actually has a nice downtown, and nice frontage on the gulf (parks, beaches, etc). This stretch south of Tampa is nice without having to go too far south.

My mom could no longer on her own in the small Northern town she was in. She moved to a retirement community in Venice. I don't find that sort of lifestyle attractive myself, although I may feel different when I'm 88.

Alabama has some nice areas too. I really liked Birmingham, and especially Homewood and Mountainbrook. The mountains there are very nice.

It seems like Florida is chock-full of retired teachers living in condominiums. I'm sure you'll fit in and find friends.

Like others have said, rent for some time until you find an area to your liking.

[archrival]

Apr 7, 2014 6:35:02 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 7, 2014 6:21:30 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

Um, driving 45 minutes one way to be my daughter's last minute babysitter for four kids under the age of seven isn't exactly a fantasy of mine.    

Driving 45 minutes one way to be your daughter's last minute babysitter for four kids under the age of seven isn't fun for you, so you've chosen not to do it.  Driving 45 minutes one way to visit her mother who she feels is judgmental about her children and doesn't appear to be interested in her kids' lives isn't fun for your daughter, so she's chosen not to do it.  Those decisions are at the heart of why you're not closer with your kids.

Milee's response hits it right on the nail.

At first, I felt bad for southernsusana's situation, but then after seeing her response, I realized that you get what you give.  Kinda funny how people want close connections to people without making the effort.

Heck, I spend 1 hour each way going and coming back from work daily.  So, a 45 min drive to spend time with grandkids/kids/siblings/lovers/parents wouldn't cause a stir.

Not saying that it is a fantasy to watch over 4 kids, but how can you create close relationships if you balk at seeing them!

[Deleted]

Apr 7, 2014 14:34:55 GMT -5 archrival said:

Apr 7, 2014 6:35:02 GMT -5 milee said:

Driving 45 minutes one way to be your daughter's last minute babysitter for four kids under the age of seven isn't fun for you, so you've chosen not to do it.  Driving 45 minutes one way to visit her mother who she feels is judgmental about her children and doesn't appear to be interested in her kids' lives isn't fun for your daughter, so she's chosen not to do it.  Those decisions are at the heart of why you're not closer with your kids.

Milee's response hits it right on the nail.

At first, I felt bad for southernsusana's situation, but then after seeing her response, I realized that you get what you give.  Kinda funny how people want close connections to people without making the effort.

Heck, I spend 1 hour each way going and coming back from work daily.  So, a 45 min drive to spend time with grandkids/kids/siblings/lovers/parents wouldn't cause a stir.

Not saying that it is a fantasy to watch over 4 kids, but how can you create close relationships if you balk at seeing them!

I accidentally hit "like" instead of "quote."

I was going to let Milee's comment go unanswered because this thread isn't about my relationship with my grandkids.  I mentioned how rarely I see my kids only because retirement is a time when parents often move closer to their children, not away from them.  I don't see that as a factor in whatever decision I make.  I rarely see my kids.

That's where a lot of you are misreading this.  I see a fair amount of my grandkids.  We like to pick the oldest two up after school and take them to our house to play.  This is only available on random Fridays because like many kids, they have activities ranging from dance and gymnastics to piano and soccer.  They also have a lot of homework, which my daughter (rightfully) takes very seriously plus an early bedtime.  So it's dependent on their schedules, but we usually get the ones who live far away once a month. I have other grandkids as well, whom I see at least once a week. We saw The Nut Job last weekend, which was fun. Sometimes I call them up on a random Sunday afternoon to have ice cream with me. The boys really like coming over these days because of the Wii we bought "ourselves" for Christmas. 

You guys took a reference to how infrequently I see my kids and interpreted it to mean grandkids.  Milee also took a reference to my trying to talk to my daughter and took it to mean that I criticized her parenting skills.  She is a fantastic parent, and she knows I feel like that.  I criticized her daughtering skills.  It specifically involved not even calling me once when DH had major surgery and spent ten days in the hospital.  There's being busy, and there's being thoughtless.  It was no more than that, but i just made things worse by telling her how I felt.

As far as babysitting, that's a personal preference.  My MIL made it clear to me that she didn't babysit; she liked her grandkids one at a time so that she could "enjoy" them.  She has a good relationship with them to this day.  We hired babysitters when we needed babysitters.  She's my role model, and my daughter doesn't expect anything else.  She also hires babysitters; she lives in a college town and has dozens.  Family will always be there in an emergency, though, and I have babysat all four of them (only once, thank God) when my daughter had to go to work. 

I made a joke about how babysitting four kids under seven wasn't my "fantasy," and a total stranger just informed me that that I "balked" at seeing them.

I didn't find your remark offensive, Milee . . . just off the mark.  I can't say the same for Archrival's.

Moderator, would you please close this thread?  Good retirement advice just deteriorated into bad psychoanalysis.