Banter with my DH

[Nazgul Girl]

I think I just got " Sexually Profiled " by my husband, ( no, not that way ). I'm in the den, since we were going to the movies, but the next showing isn't until 2:45. He came in, and complained that he can't find the tv remote. I was a little annoyed, because he always faithfully comes and asks me where something is, so I said, " Geeze, I don't know where everything is ! "

He walked out of the room, while stating to the air, " I can't find everything. I don't have a uterus ! " I yelled " Hey ! " Then, I went into the living room, and found the tv remote, which he had been sitting on. I told him he'd better get busy on that uterus.

[andreawick]

so was the remote in your uterus?

I don't follow this conversation.

don't keep remotes in your uterus.

[swamp]

It's called a uterine homing device.

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2014 12:50:32 GMT -5 andreawick said:

so was the remote in your uterus?

I don't follow this conversation.

don't keep remotes in your uterus.

I saw a movie like that once. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mine must be defective b/c I can never find anything. I'm worse than DH.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Uterine homing device my ass.  Women know where everything is because they're always moving our stuff.  I have my desk carefully organized using a chronological filing system (you know, oldest stuff on the bottom of the pile, newest stuff on top) and can find anything in under a minute.  Then the damn wife comes in and rearranges everything and I swear she purposefully hides the most important stuff in the single most obscure place she can find (like the folder marked very important papers in the filing cabinet) so that I have to feel like a moron and ask her where stuff is.  It's infuriating.

She's at least learned to leave the garage alone though, so I can always find my tools.

[tloonya]

Apr 4, 2014 12:50:32 GMT -5 andreawick said:

so was the remote in your uterus?

I don't follow this conversation.

don't keep remotes in your uterus.

Its called vibrator, not remote!!! It had other names but I don't think any of them is 'remote'...

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I don't touch TD's keys, touch or work badge but I find them all when he loses them.

Scary thing is, he looks where I look and doesn't see it. His touch was missing for 3 days, and all the time it was next to his computer, under the magazine he threw on top of it. I found it.

[Sum Dum Gai]

It had other names but I don't think any of them is 'remote'...

Actually they make remote controlled ones now.  They also have some that can be controlled from an internet connection so, for example, a husband who's deployed can uh.. interact with his wife while he's gone.

[Nazgul Girl]

   I meant that he had better get busy growing his own uterus, so that he can find things on his own.   I didn't know about all of that other uterine technology stuff.   Remotely controlled vibrators, eh ?   Well, what do you know !

[tloonya]

Apr 4, 2014 13:11:17 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

It had other names but I don't think any of them is 'remote'...

Actually they make remote controlled ones now.  They also have some that can be controlled from an internet connection so, for example, a husband who's deployed can uh.. interact with his wife while he's gone.

Wellwellwelllwellwell...if said 'interaction' is happening - does it consider cheating?

[whoisjohngalt]

Apr 4, 2014 13:10:30 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I don't touch TD's keys, touch or work badge but I find them all when he loses them.

Scary thing is, he looks where I look and doesn't see it. His touch was missing for 3 days, and all the time it was next to his computer, under the magazine he threw on top of it. I found it.

Ok......I've always liked TD but I had no idea he was my husband

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH couldn't find his glasses once and kept stomping around accusing me of moving them. I let a good 20 minutes pass before I pointed to his head. They'd been there the entire time.

[hoops902]

::Uterine homing device my ass. Women know where everything is because they're always moving our stuff. ::

Absolutely.

About a year ago I got 2 new pairs of glasses.  I put the extra pair in the case near my wallet on the kitchen counter.  I started wearing the pair I preferred but a week later my wife was being reckless swinging a 2x4 and smashed me in the face breaking my new glasses.  I went to get the other pair and couldn't find them.  I asked her if she'd seen them at which point she blew a fuse screaming that it wasn't her job to f-ing keep track of my stuff.  Totally went off the deep end which is super unlike her.  I told her I'd left them on the counter and if they were gone it's because she moved them.  More screaming about how she never touched them, wasn't her responsibility, why would she ever touch my glasses.  2 hours later she walks up with my spare set of glasses telling me she remembered she took them down into the basement and put them on the pool table (like WTF?  Why did you take them to the basement?  You didn't put them in a drawer or something, you walked them down to the basement and put them on the pool table?  Were you just intentionally trying to put them somewhere I'd NEVER consider looking for them?).  I think at the time she thought those were my old glasses and was going to store them or something and got distracted.  So now you've hidden my glasses, smacked me in the face with a board, and then screamed at me because I can't find the glasses you hid from me........women.


On the flip side, anytime she loses something I always suggest that it's in her "bag" (not purse, the bag she carries to work along with her purse).  She always says it's not there, that she's checked.  Lo and behold, it's always there under something else when she looks in front of me.

[steff]

When my hubby was getting ready to leave for work the other night, he starts asking me where his keys are.   Told him I have no idea, I didn't use them, see them, touch them, or know what he did with them.  He starts retracing his steps from that morning when he came home....I sat & watched him.  He asks why I'm not helping...I tell him that I'm not going to walk behind him & look in the exact same places like he does to me.  He snarled & bitched & kept looking. 

So where did he find his keys?



In his pocket!   so I told him he was getting old & forgetful.  He snarled & bitched & left for work.   Cranky old forgetful fart! 

[tloonya]

Apr 4, 2014 13:10:30 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I don't touch TD's keys, touch or work badge but I find them all when he loses them.

Scary thing is, he looks where I look and doesn't see it. His touch was missing for 3 days, and all the time it was next to his computer, under the magazine he threw on top of it. I found it.

Mine ate his avocado without pepper. Then he complaint about it. Then I showed him pepper right about 20 inches from his nose...he was VERY surprised. I am sure if he wasn't married he would find pepper...or not?

[NancysSummerSip]

Worst thing in my house is that we are forgetful about different things.

I have trouble with physical things, like keys. I'll put them down, forget where they are and have to backtrack all my steps, room to room, until I find them.

DH has more abstract forgetfuls, like appointments and locations. He's the Mad King of the Google Map (though I must say, once on the road, the GPS in his head takes over and he gets to his destination, no problem).

Heaven help us if we become forgetful about the same stuff. We're doomed.

[sarcasticgirl]

If i had a dollar for every time DH lost his keys/wallet/belt/phone I'd be a 1%.
I always ask "did you check XYZ?" and he says "yes!" 
I check "xyz" and magically, it is there.


and no, i don't move any of his things. 

[bookkeeper]

My DH lost his battery charger and claimed that I had put it somewhere. Excuse me, my car starts every time and when it doesn't, I get a new battery. He went on and on how it was all my fault and the charger stayed lost for over a week.

Then the winter weather broke. I was outside doing some hot tub maintenance when I saw the charger sitting out in the yard. I went in the house and proclaimed that I knew where the charger was, but wasn't telling him until he apologized profusely and never accused me unjustly again. He had left it in the yard when he was getting the lawn mowers started weeks earlier. I tried to embarrass him enough that he doesn't try getting snarky with me again over the lost item of the week.

Keys and security fobs are a constant source of "where did it go" entertainment. My husband is a very smart man, but sometimes I get enough of that beautiful mind bullsh!t and put my interuterine tracking device in park. You lost it, you can find it.

[Nazgul Girl]

Apr 4, 2014 13:11:17 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

It had other names but I don't think any of them is 'remote'...

Actually they make remote controlled ones now.  They also have some that can be controlled from an internet connection so, for example, a husband who's deployed can uh.. interact with his wife while he's gone.

  So on our way to the movies, ( I had the wrong time for the showing, sigh ), I told DH about this new technology.   

  He said, " Ohhhh - an ICOM !! "

  I said, " What's an ICOM ? "

  He said, " It's an Inter-
                         Continental
                         Orgasmic
                         Missile, or, the I-COM !  


                                             

[greeniis10]

Apr 4, 2014 13:27:11 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

::Uterine homing device my ass. Women know where everything is because they're always moving our stuff. ::

Absolutely.

About a year ago I got 2 new pairs of glasses.  I put the extra pair in the case near my wallet on the kitchen counter.  I started wearing the pair I preferred but a week later my wife was being reckless swinging a 2x4 and smashed me in the face breaking my new glasses.  I went to get the other pair and couldn't find them.  I asked her if she'd seen them at which point she blew a fuse screaming that it wasn't her job to f-ing keep track of my stuff.  Totally went off the deep end which is super unlike her.  I told her I'd left them on the counter and if they were gone it's because she moved them.  More screaming about how she never touched them, wasn't her responsibility, why would she ever touch my glasses.  2 hours later she walks up with my spare set of glasses telling me she remembered she took them down into the basement and put them on the pool table (like WTF?  Why did you take them to the basement?  You didn't put them in a drawer or something, you walked them down to the basement and put them on the pool table?  Were you just intentionally trying to put them somewhere I'd NEVER consider looking for them?).  I think at the time she thought those were my old glasses and was going to store them or something and got distracted.  So now you've hidden my glasses, smacked me in the face with a board, and then screamed at me because I can't find the glasses you hid from me........women.


On the flip side, anytime she loses something I always suggest that it's in her "bag" (not purse, the bag she carries to work along with her purse).  She always says it's not there, that she's checked.  Lo and behold, it's always there under something else when she looks in front of me.

Not to derail the thread, but I'd love to hear the story behind getting smacked in the face with a board!

[cktc]

My SO is the one always "organizing" the kitchen and it drives me fricken batty. He is 6'2" and doesn't appreciate my opinion that the top shelves are for things you rarely use so I have to pull out a chair to hunt for things he so graciously found new homes for like spices and tupperware. I finally got him to agree to my Kitchen Aid having permanent counter space because it's a pain to lug all over, then he moves the coffee maker to take up the last available plug so if I want to use the mixer I have to either move it or reprogram the coffee maker. Also, he doesn't know what a lot of stuff I use is for, so the Stevia ends up in the medicine cabinet. "Where did you put my Stevia?" "What's Stevia?" I'm twitchy just thinking about it. 

[Nazgul Girl]

   This thread was derailed from the get-go, so I want to hear the story of the board in the face, too.  It sounds like a bad experience all the way around.  

[NastyWoman]

Apr 4, 2014 14:28:00 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Apr 4, 2014 13:27:11 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

::Uterine homing device my ass. Women know where everything is because they're always moving our stuff. ::

Absolutely.

About a year ago I got 2 new pairs of glasses.  I put the extra pair in the case near my wallet on the kitchen counter.  I started wearing the pair I preferred but a week later my wife was being reckless swinging a 2x4 and smashed me in the face breaking my new glasses.  I went to get the other pair and couldn't find them.  I asked her if she'd seen them at which point she blew a fuse screaming that it wasn't her job to f-ing keep track of my stuff.  ...

Not to derail the thread, but I'd love to hear the story behind getting smacked in the face with a board!

 and while you're at it, I'd also like to know where you found the courage to ask the woman that just smacked you in the face with a 2X4 where your stuff was!  It should not still have been on the kitchen counter a week later anyway.

[hoops902]

::Not to derail the thread, but I'd love to hear the story behind getting smacked in the face with a board!::


It's a simple story.  We had a bunch of construction scrap in the back of my truck.  We were unloading it at my dad's into a big pile for a bonfire.  I was on one side of the tailgate, she was on the other.  Instead of pulling the scrap straight back and onto the pile, she basically took the back end and swung it around 180 degrees toward the pile.  I was looking down grabbing a board and she swung it right into my face. 

::and while you're at it, I'd also like to know where you found the courage to ask the woman that just smacked you in the face with a 2X4 where your stuff was! It should not still have been on the kitchen counter a week later anyway.::

That's where we keep that stuff.  I've got a little space for my wallet, checkbook, glasses.  She's got a little space for her purse.  It wasn't so much "where's my stuff" as "what did you do because I know you moved it".  Essentially "Have you seen X" at my house is always code for "What did you do with this, because I know you moved it".

[Nazgul Girl]

   Ouch, hoops !   I'll bet you had a huge bruise.   I hope nothing was broken.

[sarcasticgirl]

I once walked into the bedroom where Dh was getting dressed and got punched in the face. He was getting dressed and was, rather vigorously putting his arm into the sleeve of his sweater just as i walked into the door and POW! fist in my face.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I woke up to DH stomping on me due to having a night terror about fire ants. He was standing upright in bed screaming he had to kill the ants and I was in his path. I managed to wake him up enough to get him to lie back down but he had no clue why I was pissed off in the morning!

[sarcasticgirl]

Apr 4, 2014 15:56:20 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I woke up to DH stomping on me due to having a night terror about fire ants. He was standing upright in bed screaming he had to kill the ants and I was in his path. I managed to wake him up enough to get him to lie back down but he had no clue why I was pissed off in the morning!

The mental image of this is hilarious.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Not to derail the thread, but I'd love to hear the story behind getting smacked in the face with a board!

Have you met Hoops?  I just assumed he deserved it and moved on.