Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 12, 2013 17:38:36 GMT -5
I got a Facebook invitation to a baby shower today. On the invite it says she's registered at Amazon (but no link to her registry ), and then next to that says "No boxed gifts, please." WTH does that mean? Does that mean no pre-boxed gift sets other than the 50 she already has on the registry, or does it mean they don't actually want boxes brought to the location, so to only bring cutesy things that will go in little bags and be easier to carry home? I've already decided I just can't handle going, so I will get her a gift later and take it over or have DH take it over. But I can't wrap my brain around what they were trying to say here.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 12, 2013 17:51:50 GMT -5
She wants a check.
And a book on Miss Manners.
Ok I made that last part up.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Nov 12, 2013 17:54:52 GMT -5
Between the facebook invite, and the gift comments- it means she's deep in Etiquette Hell.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 12, 2013 18:35:28 GMT -5
It sounds like they only want checks, no gifts. Very tacky, she needs to visit Etiquette Hell and get some retraining.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Nov 12, 2013 18:48:15 GMT -5
I think it means they don't want any wrapped gifts - as in we're too whatever to actually open the gifts, so bring them unwrapped so we can just put them on display.
And I'm with you - I wouldn't attend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 18:50:06 GMT -5
Ahhh, the beauty of an FB group. It is her "tactful" way of telling you she wants cash. Personally I would post on the group asking what "no boxed gifts" means and make her bluntly say it. Then I wouldn't give her any. I'm pissy like that.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 12, 2013 20:11:37 GMT -5
I attended a baby shower where the opposite was requested - the mama-to-be wanted only big, expensive, wrapped gifts that she could take bejeezus forever to open, show off, then require the services of three pickup trucks to haul away. I gave her a gift card. She was pissed. You could always send over a non-boxed gift, yanno. I hear black trash bags work very well for wrapping things.
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justme
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Post by justme on Nov 12, 2013 20:31:34 GMT -5
Or take the item out of the box so she can't return it. Ya know, with the baby coming she shouldn't deal with those pesky boxes things come in.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Nov 12, 2013 21:00:46 GMT -5
I got a Facebook invitation to a baby shower today. On the invite it says she's registered at Amazon (but no link to her registry ), and then next to that says "No boxed gifts, please." WTH does that mean? Does that mean no pre-boxed gift sets other than the 50 she already has on the registry, or does it mean they don't actually want boxes brought to the location, so to only bring cutesy things that will go in little bags and be easier to carry home? I've already decided I just can't handle going, so I will get her a gift later and take it over or have DH take it over. But I can't wrap my brain around what they were trying to say here. I read this different than most people here - that she would prefer you just order off the registry and not bring anything to the actual shower. Not that she's askng for a check or anything, she just wants to not have to open gifts or haul them home when amazon delivers...
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 12, 2013 22:21:57 GMT -5
Bsb - that may be it. Or it could be the cash thing too. They are Indian and I know for showers (wedding/baby) that people give boatloads of cash. I am only one of two non-Indian/family invited and I really just don't know proper etiquette for their parties. She had several thousands of dollars in amazon giftcards also on the registry.
If I can pick up the same bouncy seat at Target that she has on her Amazon list, it's ok to buy it there & just hand-deliver, right? I know that miss manners says it's fine, but there seems to be a whole new set of rules going on that I really don't understand apparently.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Nov 12, 2013 22:46:30 GMT -5
Sorry I stopped reading after facebook invite to a baby shower.
just NO.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Nov 12, 2013 22:47:57 GMT -5
'You learn something new everyday. I've never heard of anything like it.' I would be tempted to buy a huge box of diapers and put them in a trash bag for delivery. Dual use for the trash bag. One use as gift wrap, second for finished usage. However I'm not sure I would attend, but maybe send a nice card when the little one arrives.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Nov 12, 2013 23:12:41 GMT -5
No new rules. Just increasingly crass people forsaking etiquette for greed.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 12, 2013 23:14:36 GMT -5
No new rules. Just increasingly crass people forsaking etiquette for greed.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 13, 2013 1:19:41 GMT -5
It means she only wants a card wishing her congratulations! Seriously, play dumb and only give her a card.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Nov 13, 2013 1:29:02 GMT -5
Bsb - that may be it. Or it could be the cash thing too. They are Indian and I know for showers (wedding/baby) that people give boatloads of cash. I am only one of two non-Indian/family invited and I really just don't know proper etiquette for their parties. She had several thousands of dollars in amazon giftcards also on the registry. If I can pick up the same bouncy seat at Target that she has on her Amazon list, it's ok to buy it there & just hand-deliver, right? I know that miss manners says it's fine, but there seems to be a whole new set of rules going on that I really don't understand apparently. Them being Indian may explain it, especially if they are first (or maybe even second) generation in America, since it seems to be cultural. This is one bride's explanation... thebridaldiaries.com/2011/04/18/the-no-boxed-gifts-explanation/It's tacky to us, but we aren't used to it. Walking around (outside) with a drink is considered tacky in England, but normal for us.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Nov 13, 2013 7:57:17 GMT -5
Fresh flowers in a vase. They are not boxed, right?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 13, 2013 8:15:49 GMT -5
Giving cash (in an envelope) at a baby shower is the norm for these families, and that's what "no boxed gifts" means. They're not really being rude. They're just following the customs they know and understand.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 13, 2013 8:25:21 GMT -5
Thanks, apple! That's probably it. The FB page was set up by her sister so I can't really get down on the new momma for it. They have a lot of customs that I really don't understand which is another reason I am not going. Just too much for my introverted self right now.
So buying off the registry seems like it would be ok. I will see if she needs anything after the shower.
Sent from my SPH-L710 using proboards
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2013 9:04:12 GMT -5
Giving cash (in an envelope) at a baby shower is the norm for these families, and that's what "no boxed gifts" means. They're not really being rude. They're just following the customs they know and understand. X 2 In those cultures it is tradition to invite the whole village to big live events/celebrations : weddings, baby showers, etc. Imagine setting up a table for gifts and you have 400-500 guests, no lies they have that many guests at a typical Indian wedding. So: A) easier for the people that will be collecting the "no boxed gifts" B) culturally acceptable
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midwestlily
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Post by midwestlily on Nov 13, 2013 10:49:32 GMT -5
I used to have a boss from New York, raised Orthodox Jewish, who said that everyone he knew gave envelopes of cash at weddings. The couple could use it as a down payment on a house or whatever. So it does depend on the culture.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 13, 2013 11:22:00 GMT -5
Chinese culture does the same thing. A post-doc I worked with wanted me to explain gift tables at American weddings.
At a Chinese wedding it's customary to give small envelopes of cash for the couple to use to start their new life together.
The idea of gift registries horrified her too.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 13, 2013 11:24:51 GMT -5
I get the wedding thing, wanting cash since the couple probably already has plates and linens and things if they have already lived on their own. the whole purpose of a baby shower though is to give the mom to be things for her first child. And I was always taught it was greedy to expect a baby shower for the second child except in rare circumstances. If the mom to be doesn't want gifts why even have the baby shower then? They should just have a party and be done with it.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 13, 2013 11:34:45 GMT -5
I did chuckle a bit when I read the registry. I am sure people did the same to mine with DD But a $30 sleeper for a baby just seems nuts! I kept looking at all of these little gadgets and thinking "Nope, you won't use that. This is going to be a $50 spit-up rag." SIL's baby registry is kind of funny too. She put all kinds of clothes on there, but didn't want to put down diapers or other more practical items. You know, those are cheap, only $7/pack or so. Until my sister told her that they can easily go through 2 packs of diapers in a week when they are newborn. Hahaha! I think she thought they would need 1 every 2 weeks or something. I think I am going to give her the same thing I did when they got married - a big storage tub full of the really practical things you need that no one ever tells you about. For the wedding it was things for their new apartment (first time they had ever lived on their own). Things like batteries, scissors, tape, trash bags, foil, cleaning supplies, etc. Basically that first $200 trip to Walmart when you get a new place. For the baby I was going to include things for her and things for the baby. Plus you can never have too many plastic tubs when you live in an apartment and have to store things elsewhere
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Nov 13, 2013 12:31:23 GMT -5
SIL's baby registry is kind of funny too. She put all kinds of clothes on there, but didn't want to put down diapers or other more practical items. You know, those are cheap, only $7/pack or so. Until my sister told her that they can easily go through 2 packs of diapers in a week when they are newborn. Hahaha! I think she thought they would need 1 every 2 weeks or something. I think I am going to give her the same thing I did when they got married - a big storage tub full of the really practical things you need that no one ever tells you about. Years ago, a friend of mine had her first baby. It was a girl and at the shower she got all the frilly clothes. Mine was diapers and "spit and puke" clothes. She told me later how much she appreciated getting something she could actually use.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 13, 2013 12:36:25 GMT -5
I found shower presents are often more about what the gift giver finds fun to give. Frilly things for girls are lot more fun to pick out and wrap.
I gave my BFF a mommy post birth kit and another kit containing all those little baby things you need. In duplicate because you always manage to promptly lose something or at least we did. Somewhere in our house is a pile of baby nail clipperes, thermometers and baby socks. For DH's nephew's girlfriend I asked her what she wanted and she said diapers and breastfeeding supplies like nipple pads. So that's what I got her.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 13, 2013 12:46:59 GMT -5
At her shower I got weird looks, like I was the kooky aunt. But as they moved into their place, I kept getting text messages saying that our gift saved them from another Walmart run. Even months later they were discovering things and thankful that they already had them on-hand.
Oh well. At least I was trying to really be helpful and kind.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 13, 2013 14:31:09 GMT -5
At her shower I got weird looks, like I was the kooky aunt. But as they moved into their place, I kept getting text messages saying that our gift saved them from another Walmart run. Even months later they were discovering things and thankful that they already had them on-hand. Oh well. At least I was trying to really be helpful and kind. You were helpful and kind. Emphasis on the helpful. What an awesome gift for newbies, to both an apartment/home and parenthood!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2013 15:30:59 GMT -5
My daughter didn't have a baby shower because she only had one friend, plus she was worried about my family and her Dad's family being in the same room because her stepmother always has something crazy or negative to say about me. I kept telling DD I would be on my best behavior if she wanted a shower, but she really didn't trust that her stepmother would keep her mouth shut and not cause a ruckus.
But my friends and even some of my coworkers gave her gifts anyway. Totally unexpected and very much appreciated. Most of it was bags (and in one case a laundry basket) filled with practical stuff like wipes, cloth and disposable diapers, onesies and clothes, blankets, bathing products, etc. They were awesome gifts and it was also nice that they didn't get all newborn sizes so she had things she could use as the baby grew. She was surprised at (and grateful for) the generosity of people that knew me, but didn't really know her. Another friend gave her the swing his baby had used and some odds and ends. Family gave her a crib and 2 strollers. Practical gifts may be boring, but they are definitely helpful.
As far as the OP, I'm glad that there's an explanation for the "No boxed gifts please". It makes a difference knowing that the request is due to cultural difference rather than plain tackiness.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Nov 13, 2013 21:19:07 GMT -5
I never knew about the " no boxed gifts " phrase on invitations, nor the explanation for it. However, it makes a lot of sense. At one point in her life, my DD was engaged to an Indian man. We really liked him. Eventually, his family made him break off the engagement, and he married within his own culture and community ( the new way to refer to his caste ). It was an arranged marriage. They got married in Mumbai ( Bombay ). Over 3,000 guests ( this is not a typo ) were invited to the wedding. I can't imagine trying to cope with thousands of gifts, so the request for cash makes sense.
Within his semi-wealthy family, cash gifts of $10,000 for relatives were considered a little on the low side ! That being said, reciprocity in gifting, in terms of equal amounts of cash, was expected and honored.
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