simser
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Post by simser on Jul 1, 2013 23:23:18 GMT -5
I have this friend who is going through a very strange situation. He likes to listen to my opinion, but I feel a bit out of my depth.
He recently got divorced from his ex-wife (beginning of June). The day before mediation she drops the bomb on him that she has cancer. The biggest thing he wanted was full custody (she asked him to have the kids every day, and most weekends, they just sleep at her house. He works nights). He decided because of this not to ask for full custody, but instead 50/50. So that's what they ended up with.
Now she says she's going through chemo but wants to stop to do herbal treatments. She is claiming to have kidney cancer that was diagnosed via a kidney stone and that she doesn't know if it's spread to her breast or her leg. No biopsies have been done in over a month on those lumps. She is telling him that the doctor said "to spend as much time with the kids while she can", but won't ask what stage cancer it is. She won't mention whether the doctor thinks it's terminal. She was very resistant to questions about what will happen to the girls. He is mostly concerned for their children. The kids nor her parents know about this yet.
What would you advise him to do in this situation? I am too close to the situation but I think she may be playing him (he has the kids 6-7 days a week but still has to pay $1200/month child support even though he only makes 50k). These things are not adding up to me. But then again I'm a science nerd and this would not be how I think I would take cancer, so she may have just a different thought pattern than me. I am also concerned with their kids and their well being- one is 5 and one is 9 and they are really adorable kids.
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 1, 2013 23:37:26 GMT -5
I would listen and be supportive, and stay the h*ll out of it. Sounds like a dysfunctional nightmare in the making - - so sorry
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 2, 2013 6:10:04 GMT -5
Why advise him to "do" anything?
If he's asking for your advice about something particular, maybe think about giving advice on that, but think long and hard before you do. If you're just asking us for our thoughts on the situation you've posted, then:
1) Stay out of it. Divorce is emotional, complicated and intimate. Unless you were in the room with both of them for much of their marriage and when each of these events happened, there are probably big parts of the story that you don't know. And that's OK. You're his friend. Listen to his side, give him support and sympathy.
2) It does sound like some of the facts don't go together. But who knows if it's your friend misunderstanding things or misrepresenting them to you to make you feel a certain way or if it's the ex-wife who is confused, weird or just plain lying? Could be either or a combination.
3) If the mom does have cancer and is using herbal remedies to treat it, your friend won't have to worry about dealing with her for too much longer so all he has to do is wait it out.
4) If your worst fears are true and the ex is manipulating him but doesn't have cancer, then the worst that happens is that your friend has been given the gift of spending a little more time with his children (since he has them 6-7 days a week) and maybe paying more child support than he otherwise would have (but you also don't know if that's true unless you are privy to the laws of your state and were part of the settlement agreement.) So why worry too much about it? The girls don't know, so they aren't being needlessly worried, and he's an adult so can decide how much he will and won't play along.
Forgive me if I'm misremembering, but are you the poster who posted several weeks/months ago with a detailed discussion about a friend, his soon-to-be ex, who exactly said what to who, who made what, etc. and then asked what advice you should give him about the divorce? If so, what advice did you give him and how did he take it? That might give you some clues on if advice is needed or wanted here. And if that wasn't you, sorry. Your question just seemed very similar to that question.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 2, 2013 6:14:21 GMT -5
Good advice. But, not sure if the point about having the kids 6+ days a week is a complaint or something he is glad of? I would assume he is glad about it because she wants to see the kids more? i do think you should listen to the other posters who said to stay out of it and just listen.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 2, 2013 7:59:10 GMT -5
It will be pretty easy to tell if she actually does go through chemo. If her hair doesn't fall out in the next few weeks - tell her he wants to switch custody to 90/10.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 2, 2013 8:04:47 GMT -5
BTW, if the kids are sleeping at her house every night, that's a fairly substantial time split that the court will recognize even though the friend has the kids most/all of the days. As a parent, I wouldn't want just the sleeping hours because I'd want to spend time with my kids, but I don't think most courts are concerned with the face time as much as the physical time. So if the kids are sleeping at the ex's house, that's substantial physical custody time.
If you look at the hours that the kids aren't in school, if he has the waking hours and she has the sleeping hours, they might be a lot closer to 50/50 than it might seem at first glance.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 2, 2013 8:17:09 GMT -5
Simser I would also be encouraging and supportive and let the guy vent to you, as needed, but I don't think I'd offer much advice. The danger is that you're hearing only his version of things. Divorce proceedings do get messy.
Unfortunately, if she's lying about the cancer part, he should know within a short time frame.
You could point out to him that, if he thinks he's paying too much in child support, he can ask for that to be revisited, along with the custodial arrangements. Those kinds of arrangements get altered all the time, by the courts.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 2, 2013 10:18:55 GMT -5
If she does have renal cancer, chances are she should be spending all the time she has with the kids. Unfortunately it is rarely curable.
He could ask his ex-wife about her wills and making sure everything is set up for when she dies. If she's reluctant to discuss that I call BS on her cancer story.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 2, 2013 16:58:47 GMT -5
If she does have renal cancer, chances are she should be spending all the time she has with the kids. Unfortunately it is rarely curable. He could ask his ex-wife about her wills and making sure everything is set up for when she dies. If she's reluctant to discuss that I call BS on her cancer story. It doesn't sound like she has any assets.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2013 17:21:18 GMT -5
If she does have renal cancer, chances are she should be spending all the time she has with the kids. Unfortunately it is rarely curable. He could ask his ex-wife about her wills and making sure everything is set up for when she dies. If she's reluctant to discuss that I call BS on her cancer story. I agree about the wills et cetera but renal cancer can take a long time. Both my in-laws had it. DFIL lasted about 13 years and DMIL is still around some 20 years later after one kidney was removed.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 2, 2013 17:27:01 GMT -5
Tell him to get legal counsel and then stay out of it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2013 0:55:16 GMT -5
Tell him to give the facts to his attorney. If she has kidney cancer, that is operable - you can live with just one and even a partial. If she is failing to follow the parenting agreement, the attorney may want to request documentation on the alleged cancer. If it exists, then he just goes forward. If it does not exist, then it is starting documentation on nutso ex.
If his residential time is higher than originally agreed, then he should just document every day that he has with the children. If ex does not die, then he's got a case for established 70/30 or more custody in the future and an adjustment to support. Not sure what the cancer has to do with mediation and change in his request for custody. Courts don't award 100% custody unless there is a serious problem with the other parent (extremely serious). They are extremely hesitant to limit parental time with children. 50/50 is how they do it under normal circumstances. He would have been highly unlikely to gain more than that right off the bat.
If he was just divorced in June, and you are talking 4 weeks of behavior from ex, then the court really doesn't want to see him back. If it goes on for many months, then there is a changed circumstance they want to hear about.
What are his concerns for the children? If ex is dying, it will not matter if wife tries to "will" guardianship to someone else. Parents get priority in care of their own children. So long as he is not a pedophile or non-functional drug addict, he will have full custody.
Get him a daily calendar & have him document all of her claims/conversation content & exact hours/activities with children. Once he is established as the primary caretaker (primary parent in the eyes of schools, doctors, activities) he will have an easier time gaining higher residential schedule & primary custodian status.
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