Hurting People's Feelings at Work

[Phoenix84]

Just venting. 

So I'm in the middle of making a radioactive material shipment for work.  And if you don't know, shipping radioactive material is very complicated with lots of regulations to comply with.  I had someone waiting for me at the shipment, and I am already 5 minutes late.  I grab all the paperwork and I'm heading out and walk by and a student employee who has been here for one week calls out to me "Can you go down the hall and ask So and So to come here."  I respond tersely "I'm already late for something, I can't do this right now."  And leave. 

Later, her boss comes and talks to me about how I shouldn't be so mean and show the new girl some more kindness.

I'm of two minds about this.  On one hand, this isn't freaking kindergarden.  We all have jobs to do, and I was smack in the middle of something important where if you screw I screw it up my agency gets hit with huge fines from the Department of Transportation.  I don't have time to do the bidding of a summer student employee.  On the other hand, perhaps I should have have a better tone and wording in my response.  Being busy is no reason to be a dick.

Regardless, even though I wasn't 100% sure I should, I went to her and explained what I was doing and how important it was, and how I didn't mean to come across as so mean and upset her.  But part of me kind of feels like I shouldn't have to.  What do you think?

[thyme4change]

Holy crap - you aren't required to explain your schedule to an intern.  That is ridiculous.  Maybe the millennial generation are a bunch of pansy-asses.  

[8 Bit WWBG]

Phoenix, don't you see how not doing what she asked is exactly the same as the worst atrocity you can possibly think of, and deserves the same punishment?

At least, thats how HR will see it if she says the key words...

ETA: what you should have said is "Sure!  Can you hold this plutonium while I get her?  Uhhhh, don't hold this anywhere near... yourself... unless you don't want children, or hair."

...:::"...and I was smack in the middle of something...":::...

ETAA: There are some people who do not care what you are doing, and how interrupting it affects you.  They want something, and they see another body who they can ask to do it for them.  They have so much to gain and so little to lose.

[kittensaver]

I would have done what you did just to make sure the situation was "understood" by all parties - especially the boss. The intern will move on soon. You, on the other hand, will be sticking around and don't want to get a reputation of being difficult or being an a$$. I don't think taking the time to smooth things over is a waste. JMHO

[NancysSummerSip]

Tell pansy little summer intern that in the real world, people don't tell people to go and get someone for them.

They text or email that person, so there is no need for human face to face interaction. Sheesh, what decade is the kid living in, anyway?

Seriously, a polite tone might have been nicer, but the request made to you seems kind of childish. Summer intern should be bending over backwards and running every which way to Sunday to get stuff done and impress people.

[HoneyBBQ]

Oh sh*t, don't read MY thread.... ok you big meanie 

[greeniis10]

I would have done exactly as you did: say you're in a hurry, on a time schedule, and don't have time for her (non-time essential) request. 

And no, you shouldn't HAVE to go back and explain anything to her, but it was good of you to do so.  Shows your maturity and experience and hopefully she'll learn something from it!

[Phoenix84]

Well, I guess she was doing something in the lab and was holding something she couldn't put down.  But I don't know the details, all I knew is I had a chunck of radioactive material and somewhere to be fast.

[Chocolate Lover]

As a week old intern, I wouldn't have had the guts to ask someone to fetch someone for me. WTH?  I sure wouldn't have complained to the boss, I'd have figured I deserved it.

[Phoenix84]

Jun 17, 2013 16:27:18 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Where do people work that saying to someone that they are late for a meeting and can't run an errand for them will hurt their feelings?  

I don't know, I think it was more because I was terse and maybe a shade below yelling.  I usually don't but I had a million things on my mind and couldn't deal with it right then.  It just came out.

But I wasn't trying to be mean, I just blurted out a short "I'm already late for something, I can't deal with this." and walked on.

I don't like to make generational assumptions, because I'm only in my late 20's, but it should be a lesson to her that in the "real world" you don't take workplace shit personally.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I wish I could assemble a council of people who could validate that whatever it was I did was not offensive, and the other person just needs a thicker skin.

I "made someone uncomfortable" with a joke a few weeks ago.  He laughed his ass off at 5 other jokes that could have been blown out of proportion just as much.  He's said his share of things that a savvy word-twister could have made an issue out of.  But once you hit people's favorite offense, they love to pounce.

[Tiny]

I don't think you did anything wrong... I'm assuming the girl wasn't on fire or in some immediate physical danger.

This was probably a case of 'tone of voice' versus 'did the wrong thing'. Work on your perfecting your 'sweet insincerity' voice. So you can say something like "So, sorry! Can't help you right now! Maybe later! K? Thnxbai!" At which point you should be out of earshot cause you kept moving as you said it.


I communicate via email with a couple of people who get offended if I don't start an email with a bit of fluff... so my monday morning communications with them start with "Hope you had a nice weekend!" or some other touchy feely impersonal nicey nicey = followed by "Here's the stuff you asked for on Friday. Let me know if you have questions or need more of this stuff" Without the nicey nicey first sentence OR a touchy feely nice sentance about how I hope they are well at the end --  I'm being gruff and grumpy and something must be wrong... like maybe I don't like them anymore.

I also can't just reply back to certain other requests with "Done!" and my signature line. That's to brusque and I guess it makes them feel bad or like they are imposing on me or that maybe I'm mad at them. -rolleyes2 I have to put in some additional polite stuff. It doesn't matter that I deal with them and their stuff a couple of times a week.

It makes me tired.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Case in point:

===
Phoenix, there is no excuse for what you did.  We are ALL busy, and we ALL have things on our mind.  Your summer intern is probably grateful just to have an internship as she and her peers start their working lives in some of the least favorable conditions in the last 30 years.  As an established employee, and therefore representative of your organization, AND your team, you should be aware of the way what you say and how you say it reflects on these people.  You made yourself, your superiors, and your employer look extremely bad.

From your callous disregard for a co-worker, as well as your selfish assumption that your needs are more valuable than her needs, you have created a hostile work environment.  You also displayed extremely sexist behavior, and likely require sensitivity training and anger management.
===

Anything can be blown out of proportion.

[Phoenix84]

I don't know, I've always been kind of short and too the point in most of my dealings at work.  I've never been into the touchy feely type stuff that much.  I have small talk with my co workers, but this is the first time I've been acused of not being "nice" enough.  I agree with tiny speck, sometimes it's annoying to have to go through the "fluff" so people don't get offended.

[souldoubt]

First, I don't think you not doing something as menial as asking someone down the hall to go to another office for an intern is mean.  Second, I'm probably stating the obvious since you flat out said it's an intern but I'm guessing said intern is a part of the me or entitlement generation.  Unless the intern has a legitimate question for you that involves something they can't do or figure out on their own they shouldn't be asking you to do it because you aren't their parent.   I would have handled it similar to how you did so I'm probably a bit biased.

[thyme4change]

Even if her feeling were hurt, which is what it is, the fact that she tattled on you - check her for big brass ones!  

[formerroomate99]

Jun 17, 2013 16:14:06 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Holy crap - you aren't required to explain your schedule to an intern.  That is ridiculous.  Maybe the millennial generation are a bunch of pansy-asses.  

It isn't necessairly the intern that is doing the tattling.  Someone could have wittnessed it or heard the intern talking about it and told the boss without the intern's knowledge or consent. 

[thyme4change]

True.

[hoops902]

::Regardless, even though I wasn't 100% sure I should, I went to her and explained what I was doing and how important it was, and how I didn't mean to come across as so mean and upset her. But part of me kind of feels like I shouldn't have to. What do you think?::

On the assumption that you've kind of admitted you sounded like a dick, yeah, I think you should have to.   Some people seem to want to play the "intern" card as why you don't need to coddle them, I say just because they're an intern doesn't mean you can sound like a jerk.  It also means you likely don't interact with them a lot.

Reading between the lines a bit it doesn't sound as if this is some arrogant prick of an intern, you've said they had something they couldn't put down.  I would think of it this way, if you HADN'T been in this massive hurry, would their request have been reasonable?  I'm feeling like you'd say "yeah, if I wasn't in a hurry, it woulda been fine".  If that's the case, then the problem is not that they asked you, it's really just that you were in a hurry. 

From their perspective it probably came across as "I asked for help, and they yelled at me" followed by confusion about whether they're even supposed to ask for help when they need it.  I think it's important to make a distinction between "you shouldn't ask me that ever, it's not my job" vs "it's ok to ask me that, I was just in a hurry and flustered this time". 

::I don't like to make generational assumptions, because I'm only in my late 20's, but it should be a lesson to her that in the "real world" you don't take workplace shit personally.::

You don't take it personally, unless it's personal.  "You need to take steps A, B & C" isn't personal.  I can see how asking someone for a favor and having them yell (or a shade below yelling) might be taken as personal though. 

I think you did the right thing explaining it to them.  I also think the fact they are an intern is meaningless.

[Phoenix84]

Yes, hoops seems to have a good grasp of the situation.  As I said, I don't know the details, but she was working with something in the lab, chemicals maybe, and needed help with something and couldn't put the chemicals down.  I would have done as she asked 99% of the time.  But in this one time I'm doing something really important and on a strict schedule and it was just bad timing for everyone.  I agree it might have created confusion as to what she can and who she can ask for help. 

[dannylion]

I think your reaction was understandable in the circumstances.  The intern sounds like one of those people who seek offense where none is offered or intended.  You can't do anything with people like that.  They're so self-absorbed that it never occurs to them that not everything is about them.

Next time something like that happens, just say, "Sure, no problem," then continue with what your were doing and when you're finished, do whatever it was they asked. 

[Deleted]

her boss comes and talks to me about how I shouldn't be so mean and show the new girl some more kindness.

I'm kinda stuck on the fact that you were told to be nicer. Are you generally known for being a jerk? I know at my office I would not be talked to about one snarky comment. It's not my usual way so they would figure something was going on.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Is this where I get to complain that my boss's daughter is unemployable everywhere else so he creates jobs for her at my work and we all have to be nice to her but we all can't stand her because she's incompetent and rude and plays the daddy card?

sorry. I won't hijack your thread.

some people, females in a stereotypical sense, are more sensitive than others. It's taken me along time to learn than not only is fake sincerity a necessity but also how to employ it. Try not to stress about this one incident. You made amends. Grow from this and handle it better next time. I have to tell myself those last three sentences a lot, but less often than I used to. 

[Peace Of Mind]

More proof that whiners always get their way.   Just pretend you care and apologize and then go about your business.  Unless you are rude and have a problem with other people at work I wouldn't worry about it too much.   But next time make sure you complain about them first so they look even more petty when they report you.  But make sure it's something good!  

[Deleted]

I respond tersely "I'm already late for something, I can't do this right now." And leave.

I understand that you were stressed but I'm guessing the "tersely" part was the issue. This said, I can't help wondering why you were late. If you hadn't been you might have been kinder to her. It sounds like you sort of "snapped" at her, even if that was not your intention.

At my school I tutor Admins who want English lessons. Before, anybody got them. Now, with budget cuts, not everybody gets them. One young woman, middle management, has an intern. I've been teaching her for over a year so we have become friendly. 

Today her intern knocked on her door, my student turned to me, rolled her eyes (because she has complained to me about this intern needing constant hand-holding), then invited her in, flashed her a HUGE smile, and said, I'm just finishing up my English lesson! I'll be with you in five minutes!

As I left I told her, jokingly, hey, don't forget about your intern. She rolled her eyes again, and said, with great sadness, Don't worry, I won't. She got up, put a big smile on her face, and walked towards the intern's office. 

The most amazing thing about this story is that I would consider this young woman among the frankest, most no-BS tolerated people I have ever met. Literally! She doesn't smack the smile on to be a hypocrite, she does it to put the intern at ease. 

This said, I think the intern is an idiot to have complained!!!

PS Phoenix, if you hadn't been late and stressed, hopefully you would have flashed her a smile and said "Sorry I'm busy now, I'll be with you as soon as I can!" From her perspective (or from the perspective of somebody else who saw the interaction) it probably would have made a huge difference.

[thyme4change]

The most amazing thing about this story is that I would consider this young woman among the frankest, most no-BS tolerated people I have ever met. She doesn't smack the smile on to be a hypocrite, she does it to put the intern at ease.

Basically, so the intern never learns that she needs to self-direct a little to be successful in the big bad world of business?  I don't think she is being frank at all.  If she tolerated no-BS, she would have a frank discussion with her intern on how to self-manage and consolidate her questions and requests so that the meetings are limited to a couple per day.

My husband manages the interns at his office, and he loves it.  He comes home a couple times a year and tells me about how hard he can be on them, but they all love him.  He is always very straight with them and says "You can come to me all you want, but this is a good time to practice certain skills, because once you go out into the world and work for a firm, if you have to break into the partner's office every hour, you won't last a month."

[Deleted]

so the intern never learns that she needs to self-direct a little to be successful in the big bad world of business? I don't think she is being frank at all. If she tolerated no-BS, she would have a frank discussion with her intern on how to self-manage and consolidate her questions and requests so that the meetings are limited to a couple per day.

Apparently, they have had this discussion MORE than once. So, at this point, a few weeks down the line, my student is giving her intern two meetings a day, and refusing to let the intern "barge in" on her outside those meetings, ie during her English lesson. Sounds like she has the wrong intern lol (I think this intern was imposed on her but I'm not sure).

ETA My point was that although my student refused to let the intern 'barge in on her" (because the second the intern opened the door she absolutely spewed, I was shocked), she did it with a smile on her face. 

[thyme4change]

That intern won't be so lucky at subsequent jobs.  People will just roll their eyes to her (his) face.  I wonder which message will be most effective.

[Deleted]

Not sure if you read my "ETA" or not, but for sure, Thyme. 

[formerroomate99]

Jun 17, 2013 17:58:54 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

her boss comes and talks to me about how I shouldn't be so mean and show the new girl some more kindness.

I'm kinda stuck on the fact that you were told to be nicer. Are you generally known for being a jerk? I know at my office I would not be talked to about one snarky comment. It's not my usual way so they would figure something was going on.

Little girl intern in a male dominated government job?  Yeah, the boss might be on high alert.  Government work is a strange animal.  Or he just wants to get in her pants.  Or he was told an exaggerated version of the events.  Hard to say.  It wouldn't be a bad idea for Phoenix to ask the boss exactly what story he was told and by whom.