findingmyway
New Member
Joined: Jun 11, 2013 9:25:07 GMT -5
Posts: 8
|
Post by findingmyway on Jun 11, 2013 13:04:31 GMT -5
I'm in need of some advice. Long story short, I have been with my SO for almost 20 years. (not married). We have a house together (owned for 8 yrs now), we have a 9 yo kiddo. How do I get out? I'm looking for ways to get my name off the house - so I can purchase one on my own. He has zero clue this is coming at him, but shouldn't be surprised either. We each have our own bank accounts, neither one of us has a CC. The only thing both of our names are on is the house and a personal loan (used to buy the land next to ours). I do not want my name off the land due to the fact that it will be DD when she turns 18, and I want to have a say in what she builds there What all do I need to do?? Thanx!
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 11, 2013 13:06:01 GMT -5
Can your SO afford the property on his own? If so, he would need to refinance to get your name off the mortgage. If not, you will need to sell the house and split the proceeds.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 11, 2013 13:07:27 GMT -5
Find out what your house is worth (appraisal or assessment), subtract the mortgage, that equals the equity. ASk him to buy you out. I'd even take a few grand off to sweeten the pot.
If you don't want to tell him, you have to do a partition action. Messy and expensive, and he probably won't be very cooperative when served with papers.
|
|
findingmyway
New Member
Joined: Jun 11, 2013 9:25:07 GMT -5
Posts: 8
|
Post by findingmyway on Jun 11, 2013 13:18:11 GMT -5
Thyme...Yes, he can afford it on his own without any problems. He would never sell it, ever. Swamp...I will tell him, when the time is right. I don't want to do anything behind his back, and I don't think he will fight me leaving. He has told me plenty of times to get out (should have). So, we just need to do a re-fi to get my name off and it put into his name only? That seems easy enough .. I think when it's all said and done, he will be okay with it. Can I start the process of getting my own mortgage now, or do I need to wait till my name is off the current home?
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 11, 2013 13:20:48 GMT -5
Swamp...I will tell him, when the time is right. I don't want to do anything behind his back, and I don't think he will fight me leaving. He has told me plenty of times to get out (should have). So, we just need to do a re-fi to get my name off and it put into his name only? That seems easy enough .. Can I start the process of getting my own mortgage now, or do I need to wait till my name is off the current home? Yup, a refinance under his name alone and a deed transfer. I do it all the time as part of my bank work. We just charge an extra $300 for the deed prep and the recording costs are about $200. You can apply now, but you might want to wait until your name is off the mortgage. I don't know your debt to income ratio.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Jun 11, 2013 13:22:19 GMT -5
Unless you have enough income to cover this mortgage and the new one, a bank probably won't do anything until you're off the other mortgage.
Don't forget a quit claim to get your name off the deed - but I'd get it refinanced before you do that.
Is there a lot of equity in the house? Does he have the money to buy you out or would he need a cash-out refi? I've heard the cash-out refis are harder to get now.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 11, 2013 13:25:07 GMT -5
A lot of people get pre-approved for a new house before they sell their old house. I can't imagine that is new territory for a bank given that so many people move straight from one owner-occupied house to another. In this case, you are just asking for a pre-approval based on your old house going away or being "sold" to the other owner.
If there is equity in the house, you should get half. Don't sell yourself short on the break-up.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jun 11, 2013 13:28:00 GMT -5
I don't know the particulars of your situation and certainly you should talk to a lawyer. But, my advice if you really want to be free and less hassle is not get into brawl over any home or property but instead sell it, divide the proceeds and everyone go on with their lives.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 8:24:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 15:28:05 GMT -5
Don't forget a quit claim to get your name off the deed - but I'd get it refinanced before you do that.. Quit claim releases any claim you have on the house, so you want to be off the mortgage first....your SO might even be able to get a better rate than you have depending on your current mortgage rate.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 8:24:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 15:29:55 GMT -5
Other question...do you live in a common-law marriage state? If you do, does that have any effect on your separate accounts? (more a question for a lawyer, but something to consider).
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Jun 11, 2013 16:00:12 GMT -5
Most states no longer have common law on the books. Those that do you have to actually present yourself as married. So if they weren't calling each other husband and wife to all and sundry (along with some other stuff) from what I've read then they don't have to worry about common law marriage.
|
|
Jake 48
Senior Member
keeping the faith
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:06:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,337
|
Post by Jake 48 on Jun 11, 2013 18:29:29 GMT -5
for what its worth, try to keep it amicable for the sake of the kid, good luck
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 8:24:23 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 21:02:00 GMT -5
Other question...do you live in a common-law marriage state? If you do, does that have any effect on your separate accounts? (more a question for a lawyer, but something to consider). I was thinking the same thing.
|
|
michelyn8
Familiar Member
Joined: Jul 25, 2012 6:48:24 GMT -5
Posts: 926
|
Post by michelyn8 on Jun 12, 2013 8:10:47 GMT -5
I don't know the particulars of your situation and certainly you should talk to a lawyer. But, my advice if you really want to be free and less hassle is not get into brawl over any home or property but instead sell it, divide the proceeds and everyone go on with their lives. If you can peaceably get your SO to buy you out, then do so and move on. The longer you stay, the more potential for bad feelings to arise. IMHO, I think his behavior is his way of trying to get you to leave without having the balls to just come right out and tell you he wants out. While many believe that someone who cheats once will do it again, I think there are exceptions. However, I've found that usually when men cheat its for the reason I stated - they want out but don't want to be the one to make the first move so they push their spouse/SO away with their behavior. Those are the ones that bitch, moan, and groan about how awful things are at home looking for sympathy but if you suggest they end the relationship, they have all sorts of reasons why they can't such as money, kids, etc. They'd rather be left so they can then boo hoo about that and/or bitch about how much they were taken for. You've given this relationship more than enough of your life and if you're unhappy your child will definately sense this. For your sake and your child's, seek the counsel of a lawyer, have papers drawn up for custody and support and to split whatever property is jointly owned and present it to your SO with a date you intend to move out and move on.
|
|
findingmyway
New Member
Joined: Jun 11, 2013 9:25:07 GMT -5
Posts: 8
|
Post by findingmyway on Jun 12, 2013 11:50:10 GMT -5
Thanx everyone I don't think NY is a common law state...Swamp, you have any idea on that? Michelyn8...SO TRUE on so many different topics. Ya know, I did leave this relationship a fair amount of times over the years, but for some reason or another, I have always gone back. When I moved out of the house 2-3 years ago, I was not really ready and was only gone for 1 month! He sweet talked me back in, promising me the world, whatever you want you can have, gave me less of the bills back...the whole nine yards. It's just that now, I have this gut feeling (that I have never listened to but I need to) that he's looking to cheat one more time. I need out before that happens, I cannot go through life thinking, waiting for the next one to come along. . I really think kiddo will be so much better off with me out. She see's and hears what is going on as much as we try not to get her in the middle
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 12, 2013 11:51:53 GMT -5
NY is not a common law state.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 12, 2013 11:54:11 GMT -5
Michelyn8...SO TRUE on so many different topics. Ya know, I did leave this relationship a fair amount of times over the years, but for some reason or another, I have always gone back. When I moved out of the house 2-3 years ago, I was not really ready and was only gone for 1 month! He sweet talked me back in, promising me the world, whatever you want you can have, gave me less of the bills back...the whole nine yards. It's just that now, I have this gut feeling (that I have never listened to but I need to) that he's looking to cheat one more time. I need out before that happens, I cannot go through life thinking, waiting for the next one to come along. . I really think kiddo will be so much better off with me out. She see's and hears what is going on as much as we try not to get her in the middle When you are going to tell him youre leaving, think of this: in 20 years, do you want your child to come to you for advice in a similar situation? This relationship is your child's normal.
|
|
findingmyway
New Member
Joined: Jun 11, 2013 9:25:07 GMT -5
Posts: 8
|
Post by findingmyway on Jun 12, 2013 12:09:35 GMT -5
Swamp...I know . That is why I need to do this. That should not be normal for any kid. Ya know, if he wasn't such a damn cheater....he really is a good guy!! I just can't move past the last time...so, I need to make sure there will be no next time. My plan is to be out before the end of summer. I am saving $$ as fast as I can, I have a down payment for a new home, I just need to buy all the things that go with a home. I'm not planning on taking much from the house, but will take what I fell (we) could use. I'm not going through court for any kind of support or custody. We will work that out ourselves, just pray he goes along with everything I have in my head on those two fronts.
|
|
mollyanna58
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 5, 2011 13:20:45 GMT -5
Posts: 6,717
|
Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 12, 2013 15:06:06 GMT -5
It's great if you can work it out between yourselves, but for the kiddo's sake, get it backed up legally. If things go bad, you may need the system's help in collecting.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Jun 12, 2013 15:55:31 GMT -5
::I do not want my name off the land due to the fact that it will be DD when she turns 18, and I want to have a say in what she builds there ::
You need to realize that the plans you've made in the past are going out the window when you 2 separate, and things like "we'll give the land to her at 18" may not pan out the way you imagine they will.
And realistically, you'd be FAR better off selling that land as well, you can buy her some land or something at 18 with the proceeds.
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Jun 12, 2013 16:20:38 GMT -5
Guys tend to forget that they have kids when the children's mothers stop sleeping with them. I wouldn't count on your daughter getting anything when she turns 18. It's probably better to let him buy you out of everything and you can put the money into an account for your daughter's future.
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Jun 12, 2013 16:28:31 GMT -5
Guys tend to forget that they have kids when the children's mothers stop sleeping with them. I wouldn't count on your daughter getting anything when she turns 18. It's probably better to let him buy you out of everything and you can put the money into an account for your daughter's future. Not always true. Of all the divorced parents I know in every case the father is very involved in their kids lives. In some cases they had to fight tooth and nail, at considerable expense, for the limited "rights" they were given. I know one guy who is still fighting for extra visitation 8 years after the divorce.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Jun 12, 2013 16:38:21 GMT -5
::Guys tend to forget that they have kids when the children's mothers stop sleeping with them.::
Wow, ignorant sexist much?
|
|