NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 15:09:23 GMT -5
Which is why I'd most likely keep my mouth shut. Unless I actually saw them at it how do you know
Exactly. It's really easy to get sucked into the rumor mill. During our trip to Malayasia ther was a rumor going around the married male professor was sleeping with one of the female students.
No way I'd perpetuate by telling his wife, there is no way to prove what I'm saying. Who is she more likely to believe?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 10, 2013 15:09:47 GMT -5
I suppose the most likely 'tell' would be walking up to the suspected cheater while s/he were out in public with someone else, saying "Hey J, what's up? Where's K?" and then seeing whether or not his/her face turned white... Or, perhaps, if my friend told me their spouse was out of town for a business meeting and I instead saw him/her down at the bar (in town) with someone of the opposite gender. Other than that (and perhaps even in those cases), I'd be pretty uncomfortable assuming anything. Hell, a lot of people have open marriages and aren't necessarily forthcoming with others about it, even their friends, since it is still taboo to many. I do really really hope I never find myself in that situation, though - I can completely understand someone being pissed that a friend suspected/knew and didn't say anything. I don't want to be that friend. My niece is dealing with that now. Her husband works in th OR and she works in a doctors office. They know a lot of the same people in the hospital. He left her for someone that he worked with in the OR. It came out that everyone in her office knew he was cheating on her but never said a word. She was crushed by him (obviously) but also felt betrayed by people she considered to be her friends
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jun 10, 2013 15:10:06 GMT -5
I think you can give someone a heads up without making a cheating accusation. If you see a spouse out and about with someone you don't know, you can simply state it. If something doesn't add up their partner is then free to pursue it as they see fit.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 10, 2013 15:24:11 GMT -5
I would want to know and I am not sure if I care how I was told.
I am fairly blunt person, to me what matters is the message, not necessarily how it was delivered.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 15:24:45 GMT -5
I suppose the most likely 'tell' would be walking up to the suspected cheater while s/he were out in public with someone else, saying "Hey J, what's up? Where's K?" and then seeing whether or not his/her face turned white... Or, perhaps, if my friend told me their spouse was out of town for a business meeting and I instead saw him/her down at the bar (in town) with someone of the opposite gender. Other than that (and perhaps even in those cases), I'd be pretty uncomfortable assuming anything. Hell, a lot of people have open marriages and aren't necessarily forthcoming with others about it, even their friends, since it is still taboo to many. I do really really hope I never find myself in that situation, though - I can completely understand someone being pissed that a friend suspected/knew and didn't say anything. I don't want to be that friend. My niece is dealing with that now. Her husband works in th OR and she works in a doctors office. They know a lot of the same people in the hospital. He left her for someone that he worked with in the OR. It came out that everyone in her office knew he was cheating on her but never said a word. She was crushed by him (obviously) but also felt betrayed by people she considered to be her friends Here is why I wouldn't tell: - I have seen many cases where the spouse decide to stick by their husband/wife and the friend is the one that gets the boot or branded as a snitch and need to mind their own business. --> I went through it, I knew she was cheating, had proof that she got pregnant and had an abortion (did mention that part) and he chose to stay with her. Guess who he no longer talks to? -> I have met couples that have an open relationship and another that were actual swingers. Not my cup of tea but they were perfectly happy. The swingers had 3 boys looked like your typical American family, they just entertain different couples at night in their basement after their kids went to bed. They don't just come out an tell you because like someone said it is still taboo, the only reason I found out is because the wife liked me and the husband was trying to size me up. My wife was dead set against it... We are still friends with them on Facebook. You are not always privy to all the details of someone life. I knew a woman that knew full well she was a barb for her husband but in exchange for what he could provide (financial stability); she did not care he was screwing "twinks" on the weekend instead of spending time with her. She was also allowed to have some friends as long as she kept it discrete, Not every marriage is the same which is why I would focus on my marriage and not go and tell the wife/spouse. Would I want to know? I am in the camp of it is a fling/one night don't bother... Long affair probably yes.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 10, 2013 15:29:41 GMT -5
I don't think you should tell someone based on something "looking romantic". I want to be told, but if I'm going to be told facts not crazy rumors or instances open to interpretation. So if you saw my husband with his tongue down someone else's throat just tell me instead of beating around the bush. Especially since I have a lot of opposite sex friends and if I knew the other woman and a friend told me I'd most likely shrug it off with a comment as vague and subjective as "looking romantic". There's really only one way to interpret making out though, so no real way to shrug it off. Well, you'd have to really work on your delusions to shrug it off. Now, if you're a close friend and saw something and it looked off but there's no evidence of wrong doing then a "Oh I saw J with X today, how's he doing?" would be ok. But that's something I'd tell a friend when I saw them anyway "Guess who I bumped into" or something.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 15:32:40 GMT -5
do you want someone to outright say "I saw J at the bar with some chick, they looked pretty romantic, is everything OK with you two?" or is a more subtle "Oh I saw J at the new restaurant the other night, how did he like it?" suffice?
Probably the latter because odds are pretty good I already know about and don't care.
I feel like the first one makes too many assumptions.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 10, 2013 15:43:47 GMT -5
Anonymous letters are the worst. If you're going to tell someone, at least have the balls to tell them where they know where it's coming from.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Jun 10, 2013 16:05:53 GMT -5
I honestly can't say if I'd want to know or not. There is no situation that would be better or worse to know or not know in my mind because either way you're dealing with a betrayal of trust. As I've told my BF, I choose to trust that he does not cheat on me even though I'm aware he is often in places and around people where the opportunity to do so is available. By that same token, I expect him to trust that I am not cheating on him when he sees me on Facebook responding to the posts of male former classmates (in other states no less). We go through spells and we work through them but I think if anyone came to me with absolute proof, I'd have to end it. If they just came to me with hearsay, I'd send them on their way but it would have me watching for signs.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Jun 10, 2013 16:13:20 GMT -5
I think you can give someone a heads up without making a cheating accusation. If you see a spouse out and about with someone you don't know, you can simply state it. If something doesn't add up their partner is then free to pursue it as they see fit. True. Those who would want to be told - do you want someone to outright say "I saw J at the bar with some chick, they looked pretty romantic, is everything OK with you two?" or is a more subtle "Oh I saw J at the new restaurant the other night, how did he like it?" suffice? I posted about my mom's situation on the other thread. In her case, I think someone would have had to come right out and say "Your husband is cheating on you" for it to sink in. The signs were all there for years. She's not the best at picking up subtleties. (It's genetic. ) OTOH I'd hate to be put on the spot like that, unless it was a really good friend breaking the news. Way, way back I had a friend tell me a friend of her's had seen me with my BF at a bar the night before (Fri). She knew it wasn't me and her friend knew it wasn't me but she just told me in conversation and let me tell her that no, I had been at home with my sick kid the night before, not out with my BF. I confronted him two days later and he couldn't deny it since it was his old GF that he'd never really gotten over and she wanted to get back together.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 10, 2013 16:21:51 GMT -5
What's financial infidelity? Is that like spending money on another person to gain their favor?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 10, 2013 16:24:50 GMT -5
My niece is dealing with that now. Her husband works in th OR and she works in a doctors office. They know a lot of the same people in the hospital. He left her for someone that he worked with in the OR. It came out that everyone in her office knew he was cheating on her but never said a word. She was crushed by him (obviously) but also felt betrayed by people she considered to be her friends Here is why I wouldn't tell: - I have seen many cases where the spouse decide to stick by their husband/wife and the friend is the one that gets the boot or branded as a snitch and need to mind their own business. --> I went through it, I knew she was cheating, had proof that she got pregnant and had an abortion (did mention that part) and he chose to stay with her. Guess who he no longer talks to? -> I have met couples that have an open relationship and another that were actual swingers. Not my cup of tea but they were perfectly happy. The swingers had 3 boys looked like your typical American family, they just entertain different couples at night in their basement after their kids went to bed. They don't just come out an tell you because like someone said it is still taboo, the only reason I found out is because the wife liked me and the husband was trying to size me up. My wife was dead set against it... We are still friends with them on Facebook. You are not always privy to all the details of someone life. I knew a woman that knew full well she was a barb for her husband but in exchange for what he could provide (financial stability); she did not care he was screwing "twinks" on the weekend instead of spending time with her. She was also allowed to have some friends as long as she kept it discrete, Not every marriage is the same which is why I would focus on my marriage and not go and tell the wife/spouse. Would I want to know? I am in the camp of it is a fling/one night don't bother... Long affair probably yes. I'm not saying I would have told her, just how she feels. Plus, I don't buy into gossip and there is always gossip around the workplace if male and female colleagues become friends. I take gossip with a grain of salt. My husbands friend cheated on his wife when he was away in the military. It was only once and he regretted it immediately. He told my husband (who told me!) but never would I consider telling his wife. I know this guy and truly believe it to be out of character for him. The guilt got to him and he told his wife. She kicked him out but evenutally forgave him. Of course, he never leaves home without her now!lol. Once trust is gone, I'm guessing it is hard to get back.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Jun 10, 2013 16:51:21 GMT -5
Well, I'm not, nor ever been, married, but my serious college boyfriend got someone else pregnant when we were together. It was a really traumatic experience. But, I hate looking like a fool more than anything, so, I'd have to say, I'd want to be told. In this case, most of his family knew about this girl, although they all claimed to "love" me. Let's just say it wasn't pretty when it finally came out. I'm lucky I wasn't arrested...and I'm not a violet or hot-headed person usually.
I would have to say that I had an emotional affair with someone. I was just watching something this afternoon that was talking about what an emotional affair is, basically a relationship without the sex. Talking about things you don't talk to your partner about, talking to and/or doing things with that person without your spouse/partner knowing, etc. We sort of had a romantic interest in each other and we definitely had one of those cosmic connections that you just can't explain. Anyone that was ever around us knew it and felt it too. So, fast forward, he gets married and the wife is terribly threatened by me and our friendship so starts "forbidding" him from talking to and/or seeing me. He wouldn't stand up to her, but he absolutely talked to me and saw me behind her back, a lot. We didn't "do" anything inapproriate. But whatever she thought was going on was a million times worse than anything that ever happened. We pretty much have no contact any more which makes me sad, but, ironically, he DID have an affair with someone last year. They broke up for awhile but last I knew were back together.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 17:27:04 GMT -5
When I was in HS, I was at a store with the guy who was dating my best friend. We had gone there to get something for a service club activity. Someone saw us there together and "told on us." She laughed at them because the guy also happens to be my cousin. 1st cousin or more distant? The line must be drawn properly.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 10, 2013 17:29:05 GMT -5
When I was in HS, I was at a store with the guy who was dating my best friend. We had gone there to get something for a service club activity. Someone saw us there together and "told on us." She laughed at them because the guy also happens to be my cousin. 1st cousin or more distant? The line must be drawn properly. More distant, but close enought that I consider it icky
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 10, 2013 20:11:12 GMT -5
More distant, but close enought that I consider it icky Would it still be icky if you lived in Arkansas or West Virginia? She said it was her cousin, not her brother
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jun 11, 2013 8:50:21 GMT -5
I'd want to know about *any* genuine betrayal -- romantic, emotional, financial, etc. I have a right to know. If you have proof, why keep me in the dark? What benefit does my innocent ignorance give me? Just tell me and I'll take it from there. I am grown-ass woman -- I can handle anything.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 11, 2013 10:25:59 GMT -5
I knew women that already knew. Their attitude was they weren't going to let some home wrecker get the best of them. So they were staying for the money and waiting the husband to get so old that he didn't attract women anymore? i didn't know and it was very embarrassing to know that everyone else did. I stopped being friends with a lot of people over it. Of course they all ended up HIS friends so its all good for them. They actually pity me whereas I pity him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 11, 2013 10:26:38 GMT -5
Plus, he got herpes and god only knows what other diseases and he could have given them to me. I dodged that bullet.
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findingmyway
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Post by findingmyway on Jun 11, 2013 11:43:45 GMT -5
Long time lurker here. But I need to respond to this, just because it hits sooo close to home for me. First off, Yes I would want to know! I have always been told by someone else, or the other persons husband. The last time, I found out myself by walking in and seeing her in MY bed . (makes me wanna got to the bathroom and get sick thinking about it). A little back story...I'm NOT married, but have been with my SO for almost 20 years. This relationship started at a very young age, so I guess I was young, dumb, and in love to not see what was happening. SO has cheated on me more than I would like to admit . But, in return, I did it back to him, thinking I could hurt him just as much as he hurt me. Wrong thing to do, learned my lesson. Needless to say, we have some major trust issues between the two of us . So, the last time it happened (when she was in my bed) was about 3 yrs ago. And let me tell ya, I think about it everyday, every night, to the point that I'm not sure what to do anymore!! I have decided in my head that this relationship is done and over with. Except now, we have a house and a kiddo involved and I'm trying to figure out how to get out. (another thread to stat at some point) So, I would say the hardest part is trying to get trust back. Without trust, what is there? Only if I could go back in time, and fix what I didn't do then (leaving) I would be so much better off....
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 11, 2013 11:45:45 GMT -5
Hi findingmyway, welcome. Sorry to hear about the issues.
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findingmyway
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Post by findingmyway on Jun 11, 2013 11:54:10 GMT -5
Hi Swamp Aww, these issues are really nothing new to me unfortunatey. I've been dealing with this it seems like forever!! It just is not an easy thing to go thru Also, you and I are from the same state!! Upstater here
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2013 12:04:28 GMT -5
Welcome to the Boards, findingmyway! We can never have too many "Upstaters" posting!
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findingmyway
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Post by findingmyway on Jun 11, 2013 12:10:09 GMT -5
Thank You for the welcome beerwench (you make me want to drink a bunch of 'em)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 11, 2013 21:56:40 GMT -5
Long time lurker here. But I need to respond to this, just because it hits sooo close to home for me. First off, Yes I would want to know! I have always been told by someone else, or the other persons husband. The last time, I found out myself by walking in and seeing her in MY bed . (makes me wanna got to the bathroom and get sick thinking about it). A little back story...I'm NOT married, but have been with my SO for almost 20 years. This relationship started at a very young age, so I guess I was young, dumb, and in love to not see what was happening. SO has cheated on me more than I would like to admit . But, in return, I did it back to him, thinking I could hurt him just as much as he hurt me. Wrong thing to do, learned my lesson. Needless to say, we have some major trust issues between the two of us . So, the last time it happened (when she was in my bed) was about 3 yrs ago. And let me tell ya, I think about it everyday, every night, to the point that I'm not sure what to do anymore!! I have decided in my head that this relationship is done and over with. Except now, we have a house and a kiddo involved and I'm trying to figure out how to get out. (another thread to stat at some point) So, I would say the hardest part is trying to get trust back. Without trust, what is there? Only if I could go back in time, and fix what I didn't do then (leaving) I would be so much better off.... Why would you stay with him? He is obviously not trust worthy...and bringing another woman to your home, in your bed shows that he doesn't respect you at all. He isn't going to change.
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Cass
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Post by Cass on Jun 11, 2013 22:34:33 GMT -5
MT, this new poster was brave enough to start a new thread today.
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