giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 10, 2013 13:52:45 GMT -5
So, the other thread on cheating makes me wonder, how many of you would want to know if your spouse cheated on you?
Would you only want to know if it was long term or STD was involved?
Or what about another child? Would you want to know about the OC, or would you prefer to be surprised when the OC comes knocking on your door, or the affair partner sues for child support for the OC?
Or, would you just not want to know anything?
And, what about other sorts of cheating: emotional affairs, financial infidelity, etc? So, lets say you don't want to know about emotional cheating, but what about financial infidelity? Or would you rather be surprised by that some day, unexpectedly?
I guess I'm just surprised, because if you want to butt out of other people's marriage, then by that reasoning, if someone knows that your spouse is cheating, you wouldn't want others to butt in. So it makes me wonder if you all want to know or not.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 10, 2013 13:55:53 GMT -5
DH has already been sniped so a child would not be an issue. Yes, I'd want to know if it was a long term affair. And he'd REALLY get sniped after I found out. A one nighter that nobody knows about? I'd not want to know.
Honestly, my biggest concern would be that he used a condom.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 10, 2013 13:56:22 GMT -5
Some days I'm such a lousy wife, I'm surprised he isn't cheating on me.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 10, 2013 14:02:18 GMT -5
Yes, I'd want to know! All of his clothes would be on the front porch when he got back home. Hint, hint!
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 10, 2013 14:03:18 GMT -5
I'm a want-to-know person across the board. Anything known can be dealt with, it's the unknown that you can't deal with/handle/etc.'
ETA: If it's a well established marriage and a one night stand with no lingering results (kid, STD, witnesses) then I would probably agree with not knowing. Especially if you have kids.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 14:06:31 GMT -5
So it makes me wonder if you all want to know or not.
Of course I want to know but at the same time I don't expect other people to bang down my door to let me know either. That's a tough position to be in and I am not going to hate someone who errs on the side of MYOB in that scenario. Or would you rather be surprised by that some day, unexpectedly
I'm going to be surprised either way. If I am sitting at home prepared for someone to knock on the door annoucing DH is cheating our marriage was doomed a long time ago. I run our finanical ship, if someone has to tell me what DH is up to I screwed up big time. I still haven't figured out what an emotional affair is so I can't say either way. Long term, other child, STD yes. One night stand keep it to yourself.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 10, 2013 14:08:37 GMT -5
Yes, I'd want to know. Most definitely.
I am a very, very honest person. If I feel it I ususlly say it. And I have been very honest with DH about everything. He has seen the good and bad of me. So yeah, I would want to know. I don't know what the outcome of it will be as I have never been in such a situation. But what would piss me off the biggest is his keeping secrets from me. I am sure more so than the cheating part.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 10, 2013 14:10:50 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure I'd want to know no matter what. I think there is a difference between a one night stand and anything two nights or longer. The caveat though would be repeatability for me. Someone who has a history of having one night stands even with a condom would still be a cheater to me. I am surprised by the other thread. I highly doubt the majority of cheated on spouses who contact the other cheated on party are reporting a one night stand. I don't get the characterization that a cheated on spouse would tell someone to be vindictive unless its believed its only to get the cheater's lover blindsided by the spouse. My thought is if they are cheating they already don't care about the spouse's feelings to some extent. The cheater has already trashed the marriage and isn't all there. Knowing or not knowing doesn't change the facts. Plus the kids often suspect when the spouse doesn't. Just because it isn't acknowledged by the spouse doesn't mean it isn't already trashing the relationship the kids have with the cheater and their view of marriage in general.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 10, 2013 14:12:30 GMT -5
Btw, what other thread are we talking about here?
Where is the cheating being discussed? Is it IPAFan's thread?
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jun 10, 2013 14:12:30 GMT -5
I think it's one of those things that you have to experience to truly understand. It's easy to say you wouldn't want to know when everything is great but it's so hard to comprehend the pod person you will end up with after an affair. As horrible as discovery day is, it's just such a relief to finally start connecting all the dots and get back on the path to reality. I'm sure you know what it's like dealing with unexplained mood swings, gas lighting, blame shifting, distance, trying to figure out what you yourself are doing wrong and failing. People seem to think an affair can happen in a bubble, but the consequences are just so far reaching.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 10, 2013 14:14:09 GMT -5
I'd want to know. I'm still pissed I was the last to know 5 years ago.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 10, 2013 14:14:21 GMT -5
Btw, what other thread are we talking about here?
Where is the cheating being discussed? Is it IPAFan's thread?
Carl's thread. On this board, something like Would you do it? Started today.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 10, 2013 14:14:47 GMT -5
If it was a one time thing I would not want to know. If it was a long-term affair I would want to know.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 10, 2013 14:15:39 GMT -5
If it was a one time thing I would not want to know. If it was a long-term affair I would want to know.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 10, 2013 14:17:00 GMT -5
to both. And how certain does someone need to be before they come to you with the news? At least for me, unless I actually saw my friend's husband having sex with someone else (or making out in public, maybe) I'd be uncomfortable making that assumption. I have male friends and even a few colleagues who are huggers. I have male friends who like to do the cheek kissing thing. I sometimes go out for drinks after work (although not lately ) with a mixed group of guys/gals. If one of my friends went to DH to tell him she saw me hugging X the other day, or out drinking martinis with Y, and did he want to know what I was up to, I'd be pretty pissed. So while I'd definitely want to know if my spouse were cheating, I'd want to find it out myself. I doubt I'd want to hear it from someone else, unless they had irrefutable proof. Maybe my answer would be different if I had a different spouse. DH is honest to a fault and always has been. I've actually tried to teach him to fib a little more effectively, since white lies are what keeps the world spinning. Plus he sucks at non-online poker.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 10, 2013 14:23:05 GMT -5
Things I would consider certain, seeing them:
Have sex Making out
Things I would most likely consider certain:
Holding hands (not including the girl holding the guys elbow/upper arm) Grabbing of boobs/crotches/butts Walking with arms around the waist
The last three are most likely because I've recently held hands with a platonic male friend - but that was a night out drinking and included getting pulled to a part in the club or skipping down the road. I've smacked my guy friend's ass maybe even grabbed it as a joke. And probably walked with our arms around each other, though way more likely to be shoulders instead of waist.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 10, 2013 14:29:17 GMT -5
If it was a one time thing I would not want to know. If it was a long-term affair I would want to know.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 10, 2013 14:36:40 GMT -5
I'd want to know for all items listed. How Dh handled it when I brought it up would be the deciding factor on the outcome.
But if someone told me about an affair I'd be asking for details on how they knew. Last year I was ok with Dh sharing a hotel room with 2 female coworkers and he will be doing the same in another few months. So if that was there only proof I'd just laugh.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 14:41:54 GMT -5
I came into work once when I was a server and the guys in back started calling me "homewrecker". I had no idea what I did so I asked. Turns out someone's wife forced him to quit working there because she was convinced he was cheating on her. . .with me. All I did was have a conversation with him in front of her. The guys that knew him said this wasn't the first time it happened. I got off lucky because apparently she physically threatened a woman at another job he had. I could see her banging down my door to inform DH I was sleeping with another man.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 10, 2013 14:43:18 GMT -5
Holding hands (not including the girl holding the guys elbow/upper arm) Walking with arms around the waist
I've actually done both with some male friends for short periods of time so I wouldn't consider it proof. Not sure if I would have done the hand holding if I had been dating someone but in my case I think the couple of times was when I was in distress at church. My denomination is on the huggy side. The first time a male friend held one of my hands was while waiting for a practioner to pray for me. And a male friend roughly my age regularly kisses a fellow female friend close to his Mom's age on the lips to say goodbye. Creeps me out a bit, but lots of Italians and other similar folk in the area. For them its normal.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 10, 2013 14:45:05 GMT -5
When I was in HS, I was at a store with the guy who was dating my best friend. We had gone there to get something for a service club activity.
Someone saw us there together and "told on us." She laughed at them because the guy also happens to be my cousin.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 14:47:59 GMT -5
She laughed at them because the guy also happens to be my cousin.
Well you are a backwoods potato farmer, ya know.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 10, 2013 14:48:40 GMT -5
She laughed at them because the guy also happens to be my cousin.
Well you are a backwoods potato farmer, ya know. But I don't sleep with my relatives.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 10, 2013 14:49:25 GMT -5
And its good to be culturally aware as well. I once dated a Filipino. One time I saw him walking with this very attractive Filipino woman. I think he did actually hold her hands when I saw them.
Turned out be his sister and he is the older brother.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 14:52:08 GMT -5
Had another woman freak because I gave her husband a Christmas card. He's a friend of my DAD's that I've happened to know since I was a toddler. Some women be crazy. This is why I am skeptical about tattling. I'd want to be damn sure they had their facts straight. I would hope that DH would be rational about it first but I don't know since I've neer had it crop up. I'd be pissed if I found myself on the defensive because of some crazy lady.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 10, 2013 14:55:06 GMT -5
Holding hands (not including the girl holding the guys elbow/upper arm) Walking with arms around the waist I've actually done both with some male friends for short periods of time so I wouldn't consider it proof. Not sure if I would have done the hand holding if I had been dating someone but in my case I think the couple of times was when I was in distress at church. My denomination is on the huggy side. The first time a male friend held one of my hands was while waiting for a practioner to pray for me. And a male friend roughly my age regularly kisses a fellow female friend close to his Mom's age on the lips to say goodbye. Creeps me out a bit, but lots of Italians and other similar folk in the area. For them its normal. That's why I said kind of as I have done those things with platonic friends. Though briefly. And it's almost always with close friends, so any friend that saw me with them wouldn't think twice of it. But I've also walked around holding hands with a guy I was casually dating but no one in our group of friends knew. With the waist, I probably mean lower, more like hips or hand in the back pocket of their shorts/pants. So that group more of a situation dependent thing. I wouldn't go in guns blazing to husband about holding hands, but if a good friend came to me and was emphatic that it didn't seem platonic to them I would take it into consideration.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 14:58:48 GMT -5
I'm with others that if it was a long-term thing, I'd definitely want to know. A stupid mistake that only happened once? I really don't know.
I found out that people at work thought that NCG and I were messing around. (Just to clarify, we weren't.) That was kind of weird since it's not like we were all over each other or anything. We went out to lunch for his birthday last month - the first time we've done lunch together in several months - and I'm still worried that people will think the wrong thing.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 10, 2013 15:04:18 GMT -5
I suppose the most likely 'tell' would be walking up to the suspected cheater while s/he were out in public with someone else, saying "Hey J, what's up? Where's K?" and then seeing whether or not his/her face turned white... Or, perhaps, if my friend told me their spouse was out of town for a business meeting and I instead saw him/her down at the bar (in town) with someone of the opposite gender.
Other than that (and perhaps even in those cases), I'd be pretty uncomfortable assuming anything. Hell, a lot of people have open marriages and aren't necessarily forthcoming with others about it, even their friends, since it is still taboo to many.
I do really really hope I never find myself in that situation, though - I can completely understand someone being pissed that a friend suspected/knew and didn't say anything. I don't want to be that friend.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 15:04:31 GMT -5
People start rumors at DH's work all the time. Now he's sleeping with a lady he can't even stand. Good thing I'm not insecure.
So far none of them have reported DH for his infidelities. If they did I'd laugh in their faces because I already know what's going on. DH told me.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 10, 2013 15:05:45 GMT -5
Had another woman freak because I gave her husband a Christmas card. He's a friend of my DAD's that I've happened to know since I was a toddler. Some women be crazy. This is why I am skeptical about tattling. I'd want to be damn sure they had their facts straight.
I would hope that DH would be rational about it first but I don't know since I've neer had it crop up. I'd be pissed if I found myself on the defensive because of some crazy lady. Which is why I'd most likely keep my mouth shut. Unless I actually saw them at it how do you know?
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