raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 19, 2013 17:01:41 GMT -5
I know a lot of people will say they live their life without regret, but I don't get that. How do you not wonder what would have happened if you took curtain b instead? I have a lot of regrets, and its affecting my confidence in making decisions and changes. I guess I'm worried that choices I make now are just going to become tomorrows regrets.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 19, 2013 17:14:30 GMT -5
I try to never regret things I have done in the past because you change on thing and your entire life can change. Even when it looked like I was getting a divorce (we reconciled) I could never have regretted getting married because I have two gorgeous children whom I love more than life itself.
While I don't exactly love my career, I can't say I regret going into Accounting because I love the lifestyle that my income gives me.
I've done some stupid things, I've done some awful things and I've done some things that I would like to think I wouldn't do again if I could do it all over again, but all of those things have led me to where I am now...and honestly, I really do love my life.
Also, I say the above because even none of my bad choices have ever really blown up in my face. If they did, I'm sure I would have different thoughts.
I don't know the basis of your regrets..are you talking professional, personal, etc?
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Deleted
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Regrets
May 19, 2013 17:37:42 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on May 19, 2013 17:37:42 GMT -5
I agree with Miss Tequila. I am divorced, but not having married my ex meant I wouldn't have the two children I love so much. Since I have very few other family members (one sister, one cousin, and a 100-year-old aunt), I can't imagine how life would be without them. Do I regret not getting divorced earlier and maybe having the PhD that I was working on? No. I made a conscious decision to make my kids' lives better than mine. My father died when I was five, and my mother gave us up when I was nine. I wanted my kids to have a good and stable childhood, and they did. I divorced after they both entered college.
Career-wise? Sure, I'd love to be teaching college students somewhere, but you can't have everything. Would I rather not be a teacher? Well, DH is amazed at my math skills (I can add up a column of numbers before he can even process there are numbers on the page). If I had known women could be accountants, pharmacists, or any of those things . . . well, maybe I would have chosen one of those careers. I graduated college in 1974 when a business degree for women meant secretary or business teacher. The only real health care professions were doctors (few) and nurses (many). I never heard or saw a female pharmacist. But I like what I do. My students teach me about modern life as much as I teach them about language and literature. I am cool with that.
You need to watch The Butterfly Effect. One small change affects your entire life in so many ways. I actually used to teach the story this came from, which was titled something like "The Sound of Thunder." Some rich guy went back into the past to go dinosaur hunting and totally screwed up the future because he stepped on a butterfly. That isn't the plotline for the movie, but you can tell the screenwriter or whoever knew the story. It is an awesome movie.
It will make you think twice about regrets because every small detail changes something else.
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on May 19, 2013 18:03:24 GMT -5
I am the sum parts of my life. Some stuff happened to me when I was a kid. Some bad some good. I has all colored who I am.
I've made good and bad choices along the way. I'm grateful that I appear to be smart enough to recognize poor choices and change direction when necessary.
I counted the other day, because DD asked me about it, I've lived in 17 different houses. I've traveled. Married twice, divorced once. People have come and gone from my life. Interestingly, most of my family is gone, but I have three amazing lifelong friends as well as many other friends. I've been stalked. I've been known to drink, smoke and carry on.
I've worked for the same company for most of my adult life, in many different roles. I love it and I hate it. I'm active in my community. It's funny, a lot more people know who I am than I recognize.
I have a wonderful DH, two amazing children who seem to have gotten the best of both of us. I love my ridiculously inefficient (by modern standards) old house in a neighborhood of old houses.
I've raised my kids in a more stable environment. They live in the house they were born in. We have a core group of family friends that they were raised with. We vacation with these people once a year and even the teenagers look forward to it. DD and I travel a bit because we like to, DH and DS stay home because they prefer it.
I'd be afraid that if I hadn't had these experiences, I wouldn't have what I have now. And it's better than enough. I'm actually quite content with my life.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Regrets
May 19, 2013 21:14:20 GMT -5
Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on May 19, 2013 21:14:20 GMT -5
I think I have been through must situations that are bad (abusive father, alcoholic father, drug addict sister, mother with mental health issues, mother was abused by father, divorce, husband cheating on mother, unplanned children, child support angst with said children by both sisters, loss of child, bancrupcy, teen pregnancy with my daughter- bad stuff) good stuff being building and buying two houses... etc all those things people say are life changing events and I am never regretful of the path I have taken. I try to think and stay positive. I am not sure how much life can throw at me after being through what I have been through...saying that I have learned to be guarded and private and keep to myself but I still I am very content with my life as it has been. I feel I have made good choices and wouldn't change a thing.
Just keep on trucking Rae, the future holds the best memories I bet.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2013 22:39:17 GMT -5
You make the best decision you can with the information you have in the moment. No regrets when you know you made your decisions/choices with integrity and with the best intentions you could have had at the time.
Looking back and wondering how things might have been different if you followed a different path is natural, but should not automatically equal that you regret the choice you made.
If you feel like you actually exhibited bad judgment in your choices, then you should run your thoughts past people that you trust to give you honest feedback. And then you have to be strong enough to choose whether you listen or not.
Best of Luck with any new choices you are working towards.
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mamasita99
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 5:03:41 GMT -5
Post by mamasita99 on May 20, 2013 5:03:41 GMT -5
This is a timely post for me. Yesterday I was in a melancholy funk about how my life was going. A pity party, I guess. I'm divorced now, and looking for houses just a few miles away from my parent's house. A school teacher, blah blah. Nothing very exciting. I expected bigger things from myself by now. I never expected to stay in the same town I grew up in.
It helped me to talk to a close friend. She reminded me that I did leave, had some incredible experiences, have two amazing kids, some respectable degrees. I'm buying a house in my parent's neighborhood because it is a great school district and my kids want to be close to their dad and grandparents. No, it's not a beach house. I had that, but I'm divorced now. That's life, and there is more life for me to come. In the meantime, I need to enjoy the benefits of my life in the here and now. Remember to enjoy the present moment. It will be good to live close to family and shopping and schools. It's a fabulous life, actually. And even the unfabulous parts teach me something I need to learn.
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whoisjohngalt
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 7:25:35 GMT -5
Post by whoisjohngalt on May 20, 2013 7:25:35 GMT -5
I regret a lot of things I've done. Some are small, some not so much. But somehow I am not worried about decisions I am making right now. I am probably too arrogant ? I don't know.... Or may be I just know that I am capable of living with consequences of my decisions. I do try to think of what is the very worst thing that can happen - and if I can live with that - I go for it.
I will say, though, that I am very good at learning from my mistakes. Now. When I was in my 20s, it seemed I "never" learned
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giramomma
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 7:47:55 GMT -5
Post by giramomma on May 20, 2013 7:47:55 GMT -5
I have a lot of regrets, and its affecting my confidence in making decisions and changes. I guess I'm worried that choices I make now are just going to become tomorrows regrets. Rae- I'm sort of in the same boat. Except, my only regret is my career path. I chose to work for the state because of the good benefits and work/life balance. The cost is that I'm netting the same after taxes as I did when I started the job 9 years ago. It's mostly due to little to no raises (I'm guessing I won't get in our next budget, as our agency got hammered in the news) combined with benefits increases. I'm also getting close to 40. If I try to stick it out, I can retire in 19 years, before I'm 60. Figuring out we are going to pay for car insurance for two teens and braces in the same year frightens me if our income is never going up. We won't have any more "found" money for another 3 years..(That's a whopping $100/month. In 5 years, we'll have an 'extra' $300.) If I go back to school, it most likely will not be in a family friendly profession..I know my kids value my time over having a bunch of extra stuff, but they also aren't teens yet... I need to make to a decision, soon about what I'm going to do. I don't want to go back to school for a new career if I'm only going to be in it for 15 years. I was going to take a class this summer to see if I still enjoyed the subject matter. Truthfully, I have the opportunity to spend good quality time with my kids. I'd rather do that than take a course. So, I don't know what decision to make, as each comes with possible regrets. So, until the answer becomes clear, I'm deciding to not make any decisions.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2013 8:21:53 GMT -5
each fork in the road leads to different paths
sometime we zig, when we should have zagged
i made some HUGE mistakes...career, financially, family, etc.....
every one of them i learned from....hard lessons, yes....but arent those the ones we never repeat
each time i got up, made up my mind to make the best of the BAD decision, and make lemonade out of the lemons
without the support of great people around me, not sure that would have happened
some gave advice....some gave me a ear to listen....and some gave me a kick in the ass
but i have zero regrets.....that path led me to where i am, with a life that is very satisfying
we all make mistakes.....and we all need help on occasion.....surround yourself with people who care....and who want you to succeed
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 20, 2013 8:44:03 GMT -5
If I give myself the chance I can think of a ton of things I regret and wish I had done differently.
Doesn't do me any good, I can't go back in time and choose Option B. Beating myself up serves no purpose beyond shredding what little self esteem I have.
So I try to remind myself that every decision I've made has lead me here now and if I changed anything I wouldn't have DH and Gwen in my life.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on May 20, 2013 9:03:31 GMT -5
It's pointless to have regrets because you can't go back and change the past.
Learn from it and move forward.
It's tempting, when your life seems boring or even hard, to think that if you'd chosen another path, it would be all romance and glamour - but actually, for most of us, life will pretty much be mostly boring and hard no matter which path we pick.
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midjd
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May 20, 2013 9:07:52 GMT -5
Post by midjd on May 20, 2013 9:07:52 GMT -5
That's basically my process, too. I'm good at finding the worst-case scenario for any situation I can't think of any huge regrets in my life, although I have made a lot of decisions that could have turned out very badly, but didn't. Despite my sometimes pessimistic outlook, I've been lucky.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on May 20, 2013 9:17:09 GMT -5
I don't tend to regret my bigger mistakes because I learned so much from them. Smaller things, though, like not keeping in touch with people who matter to me or being snarky to someone in pain over something, I have tons of regrets like that.
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Tiny
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 10:42:04 GMT -5
Post by Tiny on May 20, 2013 10:42:04 GMT -5
Are you regretting decisions/choices you made on the spur of the moment (leapt without looking) or because you felt 'obligated' or 'duty bound' to choose that way?
The thing about past choices/decisions is that at the time you made them - hopefully you felt they were going to move you forward towards your goals/plans or were for some bigger ideal that you value more than your goals or plans. I have the most regrets from my choices/decisions during the period in my life when I felt I didn't have much control or choice (I felt I was 'obligated/duty bound' to do/want things and then a period when I didn't have any clear cut long term goals/plans <- when you don't know where you're going it doesn't really matter which way you turn at the crossroads).
I have regrets from the period of my life after I figured out what 'obligations/duties' or ideals I valued high enough to sacrifice for and developed some clear cut long term goals/plans for things I valued. The regrets are different though... from this period I got a lot of value/happiness/good feels for the decisons/choices/plans BUT I sometimes do regret what I had to give up to get them. Thankfully, those choices were not earth shattering or good fodder for a Novel or Movie. It's easier to come to terms with 'regrets' when you have been actively 'driving' your life. In theory, you made the decisions with some inkling of what you would be giving up and you were OK with that. Of course, our perspective/goals/ideals/values change over time so you have to figure that in. For example, I wouldn't regret too much if in your 20's/30's you valued something very highly like a 'house/picket fence/dog/etc' and worked hard to achieve those things AND then in your 40's you started realizing that maybe those things aren't so much what you really want. It might be time to re-assess which of those goals/values from your past still have value.
It's harder to come to terms with regrets if you have been making decisions based on values you haven't really given much thought to. You know if you strove to achieve the "white picket fence/house/dog" but you were doing it because you FELT you were suppose to want that or that having that would make you feel a certain way once you got to that point.
Like I said, I live a relatively drama free life so I haven't had to make any really life altering or ultimate 'self sacraficing' decisions so so while I do have run of the mill regrets - I don't have any malingering regrets, so i don't have much experience with them.
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Tiny
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May 20, 2013 10:59:16 GMT -5
Post by Tiny on May 20, 2013 10:59:16 GMT -5
Rae, are you afraid the results of the things you are making decsions about won't be worth it? Maybe this is more about the future (where you are going and how you envision that future) than about past decisions/regrets. Or are your decsions/choices being made in an attempt to please other people? Attempting to please people is a whole nother can of worms when it comes to avoiding regret. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and realize that you can't please everyone. If it is about the future - do you have a realistic view of what that future will be like? Or are you holding up your experiences to some impossible to achieve ideal? Maybe your feelings of regret have very little to do with the actual outcome of the decisions and more with the way you feel about how your life is going. I have a friend who struggles with this kind of stuff - nothing is ever as wonderful/good/whatever as she imagined it would be. She's also a bit of a perfectionist so if one part of something goes awry the whole thing is 'ruined' and she can't get back on track for enjoying what's left and really is ok. (example: going out for dinner and a show - if dinner happens to be one of those occassions where service is slow or the food isn't quite right or whatever as sometimes happens - this throws a shadow on her enjoyment of the rest of the evening because not everything was perfect - if she happened to suggest the restaurant - she's even more unhappy - and regrets the choice of restaurant (and how she's ruined the expereince for everyone else) versus just her choice of meal). Maybe you need to review your Big Picture - as long as you are moving towards or fulfilling some of your Big Picture - your regrets shouldn't be overwhelming.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 20, 2013 11:34:22 GMT -5
I like the worst case scenario planning and usually go that route. My issue right now is job choices and both options have the same worst case, so it doesn't help me pick.
I think a lot of it comes down to thinking I'd be in a different spot now than I am. Trying to figure out how to get where I want to be is laced with things I should have done years ago and are increasingly difficult now. Also feeling like I'm out of time. If I mess up now I could have these same issues when I hit 40.
To some extent I have lived my life for Dh. But I still think that is part of making a life together. Eventually I'm sure we will hit a period of time when he says the same.
I don't know. There isn't any huge change I'd make. Just lots of little ones. And in some ways its the little choices that I am struggling with trusting myself to make now.
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Tiny
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May 20, 2013 11:53:19 GMT -5
Post by Tiny on May 20, 2013 11:53:19 GMT -5
What if you look further down the road than the job(s) you are considering - how does the worst case scenario effect that Bigger Picture? If the jobs potentially both have a 'bad outcome' which job has the most 'positives' - either something that you need now OR something that will help you when you are done with it? Which is more important to you a 'good' now or a 'good' later? You don't always have to delay gratification or build for the future - sometimes choosing something that makes the 'current' alittle easier is OK. It's when that becomes a habit that things get out of whack. What gives you more 'value' that you are willing to take the bad for a while to get something you value highly (assuming the worst case scenario is something that MAY happen in a fixed period of time not 20 years from now)? This might be a good opportunity to review the things in life you value - knowing what you value highly makes figuring out which thing is the lesser of two evils and then making the decision is alittle easier. It doesn't gaurentee you will be without regret, though. You'll have a way to temper any future regret - since you will have made a thoughtful choice.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on May 20, 2013 12:00:55 GMT -5
I like the worst case scenario planning and usually go that route. My issue right now is job choices and both options have the same worst case, so it doesn't help me pick. I'm in the same position right now. The last job choice I made didn't turn out how I expected, and was in fact so bad, that I now have NO confidence in myself to make the right choice. I made the choice to take the new job, and today is reminding me why that was the right choice!! I just keep reminding myself that I am very lucky to have choices and that if the new job turns out to not be so good, then I'll just have to start the job search over. Which will suck, but at this way of thinking did help me finally make a decision. I do like my career path, just not my current job. Whatever you decide, good luck!
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Deleted
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 12:08:49 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2013 12:08:49 GMT -5
I have regrets I just don't bother thinking about them. They make me feel bad and ther is nothing I can do about it now. But I do my best to learn from them. I figure my decision making skills have to be improving.
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thyme4change
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 12:33:39 GMT -5
Post by thyme4change on May 20, 2013 12:33:39 GMT -5
Regrets? So, whatcha gonna do about it? Wring your hands, and wish for a do-over?
Just try and learn your lesson and move forward the best you can. Tomorrow is another day, make the most of it.
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Deleted
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 16:36:14 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2013 16:36:14 GMT -5
If you don't regret anything, you are a mindless fool who can't weigh the value of what you didn't achieve. Regret is natural and healthy and is critical in making better future choices..
When someone says to me they live life with no regrets, I figure they are either a liar or mentally handicapped.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 20, 2013 17:21:48 GMT -5
It depends if you subscribe to the butterfly effect theory.
Today, I have my dear daughter, and she is wonderful and happy and healthy and that is all I can ask for. I have a good life, a good job, money in the bank, and a loving spouse.
Have I made mistakes? Certainly. Many.
Would I go back and change things if had a re-do? Absolutely.
But if you're into Black Swans/butterfly effects, I wouldn't want the end result to change if you know what I mean. So yes, I regret things, but I wouldn't change them unless I had a crystal ball.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2013 18:20:25 GMT -5
Anybody who tells you they have no regrets in life is full of shit. Only one person ever lived who never made a mistake and he died a long time ago. Making mistakes are how we learn in life. Do I regret some of the decisions I've made? Of course. Would I make them again knowing what I know now? Of course not. But I had to make mistakes to learn how to live.
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Miss Tequila
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May 20, 2013 19:19:40 GMT -5
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 20, 2013 19:19:40 GMT -5
It depends if you subscribe to the butterfly effect theory. Today, I have my dear daughter, and she is wonderful and happy and healthy and that is all I can ask for. I have a good life, a good job, money in the bank, and a loving spouse. Have I made mistakes? Certainly. Many. Would I go back and change things if had a re-do? Absolutely. But if you're into Black Swans/butterfly effects, I wouldn't want the end result to change if you know what I mean. So yes, I regret things, but I wouldn't change them unless I had a crystal ball. That is where I am coming from when I say I have no regrets. I am who I am today because of everything I have done to date. The good, the bad and the ugly! Keep in mind, I have never done irreparable harm. I have made choices that weren't the best, but nothing that had long term impact
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Malarky
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May 20, 2013 20:04:14 GMT -5
Post by Malarky on May 20, 2013 20:04:14 GMT -5
You need to watch The Butterfly Effect. One small change affects your entire life in so many ways. I actually used to teach the story this came from, which was titled something like "The Sound of Thunder." Some rich guy went back into the past to go dinosaur hunting and totally screwed up the future because he stepped on a butterfly. That isn't the plotline for the movie, but you can tell the screenwriter or whoever knew the story. It is an awesome movie. It will make you think twice about regrets because every small detail changes something else. I actually watched the movie "The Sound of Thunder" today when I happened across it. It wouldn't have even been on my radar if not for this thread.
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kgb18
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 20:43:36 GMT -5
Post by kgb18 on May 20, 2013 20:43:36 GMT -5
I always wonder about the "What if I had done ... instead of ..." type stuff. But when I start to think and have regrets I focus on what I wouldn't have if I had chosen the other path. For instance, if I had taken a job I was offered earlier in my career, I wouldn't have my current job. My current job is how I met DH, and therefore how I have my children. And I have made some truly wonderful friends through my job who are like a second family to me. I wouldn't trade any of that.
I have some real regrets. Like when my aunt was sick and dying of cancer, I didn't go to the hospital to see her even though asked for me. I was afraid. I think my parents were afraid to push me. I was 15. I was on a 3-day school trip and started feeling really awful I hadn't gone. I told my friend I was going to ask my parents to take me to see her the next day. When I got home that night I learned she passed away. That I regret, but I can't change it.
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Deleted
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Regrets
May 20, 2013 21:02:49 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on May 20, 2013 21:02:49 GMT -5
You need to watch The Butterfly Effect. One small change affects your entire life in so many ways. I actually used to teach the story this came from, which was titled something like "The Sound of Thunder." Some rich guy went back into the past to go dinosaur hunting and totally screwed up the future because he stepped on a butterfly. That isn't the plotline for the movie, but you can tell the screenwriter or whoever knew the story. It is an awesome movie. It will make you think twice about regrets because every small detail changes something else. I actually watched the movie "The Sound of Thunder" today when I happened across it. It wouldn't have even been on my radar if not for this thread Was it any good? I haven't taught ninth graders in at least six years, and they were just then coming out with the movie. So I missed it because I forgot about it. I loved the story, though, so if it was decent (not necessarily Academy Award winning), I would like to see it.
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Nazgul Girl
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May 20, 2013 21:13:06 GMT -5
Post by Nazgul Girl on May 20, 2013 21:13:06 GMT -5
I used to have regrets that I would dwell on, but years ago, I realized that I can't change yesterday, and began to live for today and tomorrow. Those days are something to look forward to. I try to find a happy spot each and every day, and have backup plans in case something doesn't work out. I don't waste my time with longings and regrets anymore, and am usually much more happy, busy, and more optimistic than I used to be. I don't go back to the dark times and the what ifs. I now consider them to be the whatevers.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2013 22:01:50 GMT -5
If you don't regret anything, you are a mindless fool who can't weigh the value of what you didn't achieve. Regret is natural and healthy and is critical in making better future choices.. When someone says to me they live life with no regrets, I figure they are either a liar or mentally handicapped. I guess I am all that then Having regrets and recognizing mistakes are not equal. If someone says they are/were never wrong then I'd think them a little delusional (or maybe in their 20s). I have no regrets, but there are certainly things I could have done better or differently. I guess I just don't see them as devastating errors or anything that couldn't be course-corrected. Every decision happened with integrity, and I was never afraid of following a difficult path. So I guess that makes me okay with myself and my journey. I look for the lessons in every outcome but I focus on the way forward. Stalling yourself with what might have been is not productive or healthy.
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