Not certain who to contact or what to do.....

[buystoys]

Last night, I learned that the man who killed my best friend and then tried to kill me may be up for parole next month.  I can't even begin to tell you the emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past twelve hours.  The memories of that night still haunt me, thirty years after the fact.  

I started searching for contacts in the state where he's incarcerated.  I left that state years ago and honestly?  Put this all at the back of my mind as much as possible.  I thought he had at least another twenty years before he was eligible for parole, so I hadn't prepared myself (emotionally) to deal with this.  I've found the number and e-mail address for the Parole Board.  Who else should I reach out to?

I am terrified this man will try to find me if he gets out.  He has spent most of his adult life in prison because I lived and testified against him.  I'm a mess.  I know this post doesn't make a lot of sense, and I'm sorry for that.  I just can't think straight yet.  I need to wrap my mind around this and get over the gut wrenching fear that has invaded me.

Any ideas or help would be much appreciated.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry what's happening to you.

The first words pops in my mind after reading your post "Witness Protection" program.
Why don't you contact your local authority and explain of your fears.     

[milee]

buystoys, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Google "Victims Advocates ________ [state or city here]" (or "Victims Rights", etc) to see what local resources are there to help.  You want a group and people that are used to working within the system of whichever state this guy is incarcerated.

This is not a Witness Protection type situation.

[swamp]

NY is supposed to advise the victim an inmate is being considered for parole, so they probably don't have your address as I would assume most other states have that requirement too.

You can contact the board, give them your opinion, and risk he gets your address, or you can keep quiet and not tip him off to where you are.

And this is NOT a witness protection issue. 

[Deleted]

Do you have someone supporting you emotionally right now?  A friend or a counselor?

Do you have a tech savvy friend that can help you check your online presence to make sure that information on where you live, work, etc. is not easily findable?

[Deleted]

You can contact the board, give them your opinion, and risk he gets your address,

It seems really wrong that a convicted criminal can get access to his victim's address.

[swamp]

May 13, 2013 8:31:21 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

You can contact the board, give them your opinion, and risk he gets your address,

It seems really wrong that a convicted criminal can get access to his victim's address.

I have no idea what precautions they have in place so that information is protected.   I"m sure they have some, but I would rather slink quietly away than put my info out there.

[zibazinski]

Gee, I don't know. Other than the fact that he's already a murderer and almost a double murderer, why would anyone think he was dangerous? He has no business ever seeing freedom.

[Green Eyed Lady]

While I agree with those who say there is probably no direct threat right now, I always err on the side of caution.  What home/personal defense measures do you have in place?  A good security system?  A dog?  A weapon?  Have you notified the police in your area of this issue?

[raeoflyte]

Apparently some posters give our jail systems a lot more credit at reforming murderers than I do.

Op-I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you are having to deal with this.

[Green Eyed Lady]

May 13, 2013 8:46:28 GMT -5 @steve said:

Cowering in fear seems like such a bad choice.  The guy spent 30 years in prison.  There is no evidence that we know of, that the guy means any harm to the OP.

I know you mean well, Steve, but it wasn't you he tried to kill.  Unless that happens, you can't understand that it doesn't take a phone call saying, "I'm coming to get you." to be in fear for your life.  A person who has been through this sort of trauma doesn't necessarily need the guy on her doorstep to perceive a threat.

[swamp]

May 13, 2013 8:46:28 GMT -5 @steve said:

May 13, 2013 8:34:21 GMT -5 swamp said:

I have no idea what precautions they have in place so that information is protected.   I"m sure they have some, but I would rather slink quietly away than put my info out there.

Cowering in fear seems like such a bad choice.  The guy spent 30 years in prison.  There is no evidence that we know of, that the guy means any harm to the OP. Maybe the OP should get some support and go to the hearing and face the guy. Find out some facts.  Being afraid is no way to live. I imagine there is tons of support for people like the OP to lean on.  If there is a rational reason to be afraid then she should know what that reason is.  I am not discounting the fact he tried to kill her  30 years ago, and did kill her friend.  I am just saying look at things as they are now instead of dwelling on emotions.

Again, sympathy to the OP for her loss and suffering. I hope things work out.

I don't see it as cowering. I don't engage with people who have severly wronged me. I don't want to waste my time on them.

[milee]

OK, so let's look at the only facts we have:

This guy killed buystoys' friend.
This guy tried to kill buystoys. 
In addition, it's reasonable to assume that buystoys was a witness in the trial that resulted in his conviction and serving 30 years in prison.

So, Steve, it would seem fairly reasonable to assume - absent other evidence - that this guy could reasonably be a threat.  Or, looking at it the other way - why the heck would you assume that this guy ISN'T a threat?

[midjd]

There's a pretty big difference between "cowering" or "slinking" and wanting to continue to live your life normally without handing a murderer your home address. 

I agree with Milee that a victim rights advocate can help get you the info you need to decide what to do.

[milee]

May 13, 2013 9:08:51 GMT -5 @steve said:

May 13, 2013 9:04:36 GMT -5 milee said:

OK, so let's look at the only evidence we have:

This guy killed buystoys' friend.
This guy tried to kill buystoys. 
In addition, it's reasonable to assume that buystoys was a witness in the trial that resulted in his conviction and serving 30 years in prison.

So, Steve, it would seem fairly reasonable to assume - absent other evidence - that this guy could reasonably be a threat.  Or, looking at it the other way - why the heck would you assume that this guy ISN'T a threat?

30 years in prison and the parole board grants parole.  If the initial crime was a crime of passion, most passions subside after 30 years. I am not saying he is not a threat. I am saying that if he does get out and your response is fear and hiding unless and until he get put back in prison, then you lose even more.

If your main point is - find out the current situation before losing your life to fear, I agree. That wasn't exactly the understanding I got out of your earlier posts, though.

BTW, I completely disagree with the idea that most passions subside after 30 years or that it would be reasonable to conclude that just because 30 years have passed there is nothing to worry about. 

[Green Eyed Lady]

You would be right to disagree with that statement, Milee.  In fact, having 30 years to think about almost nothing else, tends to escalate them.

I agree with contacting Victim Advocate Services and I also suggested letting the police in your area know of his impending release.  But do that knowing they cannot protect you.  That's just the way it is.  You have to take steps to protect yourself.  That sounds harsh, but from someone who has "been there/done that", I can tell you it's the truth.

I also agree about not living in fear.  Live with the confidence that if someone attempts to vicitimize you again, they will find themselves facing a formidable opponent.

[Green Eyed Lady]

May 13, 2013 9:18:26 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

We live in a prison town and know of prisoners who've murdered people and today are no longer a threat. Some are still living here.
I would just hate for Buystoys to be worrying about something if there is no need. She needs more info.

I'd rather worry with no need than not worry, be unprepared, and get hurt. 

[buystoys]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses.  I have an appointment in a bit, so apologize for still not being too coherent.

A little more background:  This was a guy I knew.  My friend didn't know him, other than by face from hanging around in a bar we all frequented.  We went to her apartment one night to party.  His friend took off, never came back, and she went to bed.  He hit on me, I turned him down, and told him we'd get him home the next day.  Gave him a blanket and pillow and then went to sleep.  I was told he went into her bedroom, woke her up, asked her for some nookie and then stabbed her multiple times when she turned him down.  On his way out of the apartment, he decided he'd better kill me as well.


His sentence was two life sentences to be served consecutively, not concurrently.  I learned at the trial that he had a record from another state for threatening someone at knife point, so the state doubled his sentence for being a repeat offender.

Yes, I am far too emotional right now.  I can't even remember how we got onto the topic last night, but it was triggered when my dad said he had heard that the criminal had been released.  My parents and siblings are still in touch with people in the small town where this all happened.  While not many people know where I am, a little digging could get my address as I have relatives all over the place back there.

My husband is doing all he can to be supportive.  I know it's twisting his guts to see me like this.  He is going to the gun range today for some target practice.  He has a permit to carry a concealed weapon and will do so if he feels it is necessary.

I am also going to admit that right now I am extremely hormonal.  That was the reason for the doctor's appointment today.  I've looked at the public corrections records and see that my attacker has not been a model prisoner.  Hopefully that will stay his parole options a bit and give me some breathing space to clear this all out for myself.

Again, thank you for all the comments.  I just need some time to digest all this. 

[NancysSummerSip]

May 13, 2013 9:08:51 GMT -5 @steve said:

May 13, 2013 9:04:36 GMT -5 milee said:

OK, so let's look at the only evidence we have:

This guy killed buystoys' friend.
This guy tried to kill buystoys. 
In addition, it's reasonable to assume that buystoys was a witness in the trial that resulted in his conviction and serving 30 years in prison.

So, Steve, it would seem fairly reasonable to assume - absent other evidence - that this guy could reasonably be a threat.  Or, looking at it the other way - why the heck would you assume that this guy ISN'T a threat?

30 years in prison and the parole board grants parole.  If the initial crime was a crime of passion, most passions subside after 30 years. I am not saying he is not a threat. I am saying that if he does get out and your response is fear and hiding unless and until he get put back in prison, then you lose even more.

I've worked in the system, Steve, and I'm calling you out on this. It's an ignorant thing to assume. Don't use the phrase "crime of passion," for one thing. It gives the murderer some kind of sweet little pass for having done this crime. And no, passions don't subside. He's had thirty years to sit in a cell and stew over what happened and think about his incarceration. And as for his Christianity, I'm not about to be convinced of his or anyone else's sincerity of a behind-bars conversion. Many criminals claim it, only to get out and go right back to their old lives. The OP needs to take precautions. Depending on the state, she can let the parole board know how she feels, while keeping her identity out of public view. All parole boards require the victim to provide a valid address, so the victim can be contacted by the Board. But that address, depending on the jurisdiction, may or may not disclosed to the public under that state's FOIA; it depends on the state.

[Tennesseer]

Buystoys-the best thing to do at this point is to try and find out if it's true he is coming up for a parole hearing in the coming month(s). Also try to find out if this is his first parole hearing or has he been before the board in previous years and whether you have any rights to speak to his parole board prior to them making any decision about his future.

The better informed you are the better decisions you will make (if any) in the future.

[milee]

Without pouring any more gas on the fire, the facts you state in detail contain several points that support a reason to be cautious.

I'm glad you have the support of your family.  Is there a counselor you could also talk to?

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this buystoys.

Take deep breaths and keep reminding yourself that you are safe.  Right now, this man is incarcerated and cannot hurt you.  You have time to get more information and to prepare yourself for whatever is coming next.

You are safe.  Don't make yourself crazy with "what if."

You are safe.  He may not be released.  You may be able to help prevent him from being released.  He may not want anything to do with you.  He may be a different person.  You just can't know.  So find out what the story is, and go from there to keep yourself safe.

For today, remember... deep breaths, you are safe.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I think that you should also get a CWP and start taking classes to learn how to use a firearm.  Even though your DH has a CWP, you should have your own gun that you shoot the most accurately with.  It may or may not be what your husband shoots/carries.

If you are in the PNW, I can give you the name of an excellent instructor so PM me.  He also has a large arsenal of different firearms that he will let you use to see what works best for you.

[justme]

Something to consider - I would think you'd be able to get a restraining order on him if you wanted if he is released. Though that comes with the downside of having to give him information about where you are so he won't go there, and I wouldn't want to give him that information so I wouldn't take one out on him until it was clear he already knew that information (if he ever does). Obviously a piece of paper won't stop him, but it gives the police more leverage if he has found you.

[Tennesseer]

May 13, 2013 10:39:02 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I think that you should also get a CWP and start taking classes to learn how to use a firearm.  Even though your DH has a CWP, you should have your own gun that you shoot the most accurately with.  It may or may not be what your husband shoots/carries.

If you are in the PNW, I can give you the name of an excellent instructor so PM me.  He also has a large arsenal of different firearms that he will let you use to see what works best for you.

Mich-your suggestion may be a good idea in the future but at this point, talk about gun training, without the OP knowing what's going on (and even if the guy is going to have a parole hearing), is only feeding her fear and paranoia.

It's best to get all the facts first as to whether or not this guy is being released from prison.

[NancysSummerSip]

Another online source that the OP may want to use is  Vinelink. Not every state is a member, or a full member, so whether this source will help will depend on where the offender is incarcerated.

www.vinelink.com/vinelink/initMap.do

[Green Eyed Lady]

Mich-your suggestion may be a good idea in the future but at this point, talk about gun training, without the OP knowing what's going on (and even if the guy is going to have a parole hearing), is only feeding her fear and paranoia.

It's best to get all the facts first as to whether or not this guy is being released from prison.

I'd agree with you 100%, Tenn, if our justice system worked all of the time.  I'm still a firm believer that our system DOES work most of the time, but it doesn't always work - especially when it's working for victims.  By the time she finds out that he is being released from prison, he could have already been out for 2 months.  It's not wise to adopt an "I'll wait and see what the advocates tell me." thing. 

I'm not trying to scare anyone.  I'm trying to do the opposite, in fact.  I'm saying don't live in fear.  Live with confidence.  It's empowering to know that you are ready for whatever comes and, in fact, helps to alleviate fear.  We must be careful to not give advice that makes a person more fearful.  We also must be careful not to give someone advice that will result in taking unnecessary chances with their lives.  The "wait and see" advice is, in my opinion, the worst advice that can be given in this situation.  A proactive approach not only readies a person for an emergency, but helps emotionally, too.  Because you are doing something rather than sitting and waiting for the worst to happen.

It's a hard question.  For those who have never had anything bad happen to them, it's easy to adopt a "don't live your life in fear" attitude.  To those who have had something bad happen, it's just as easy to be fearful of everything.  It's difficult to find a middle ground.

[mmhmm]

Definitely a Victims' Rights Advocate!  These folks can help you get the information you need, cue you on the questions you need to ask, and direct you in the moves you need to make to either keep this guy in prison, or keep yourself safe.  Information is key, so get all the information you can.

My family has managed to keep the creep who murdered my uncle in prison through three parole hearings.  He hasn't had a hearing yet that was not attended by a member of our family, and he's still behind bars.  It's my guess he'll die there.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.  I can't imagine what it must be like and I won't kid myself into thinking I can.  I just feel like the more information you have, the more likely you are to be able to take the right steps at the right times.  Good luck, and please ... keep us informed!

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Mich-your suggestion may be a good idea in the future but at this point, talk about gun training, without the OP knowing what's going on (and even if the guy is going to have a parole hearing), is only feeding her fear and paranoia.

It's best to get all the facts first as to whether or not this guy is being released from prison.

This is not feeding fear, but giving the OP a chance to defend herself......should the need arise.  She knows that this guy is out there and while he may not be released NOW, it is always something that could happen in the future.

She needs to be proactive, NOT reactive.  Getting a gun and learning how to use it does not happen immediately.  Right now, there is a 4-5 month wait for many handguns and locally a CWP can take up to 6 months to acquire.  Afterwards, she is going to need to familiarize herself with her handgun of choice and become accurate with it.  This does not happen overnight, there IS a learning curve.

You think she should until AFTER the guy is released and then she would need to scramble?  <shrug>  It seems to me that knowledge is power and knowing that this guy is up for parole, and will likely come up for parole again if he is not released this time that this is the PERFECT time to learn how to defend herself.

And as her DH already has a CWP, then it is not as if she has to fight the battle about the idea of arming herself.  And sadly, unless her DH plans on becoming her 24/7 bodyguard, it's best that she learns how to defend herself.

[Deleted]

We need to remember that a parole hearing doesn't mean all that much in and of itself.  Charles Manson has been up for parole 12 times.  You need more information to know if he has a legitimate shot at getting out or if this is just procedure at work.