Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 10:31:10 GMT -5
As some of you may know, the last few months have been tough for me. I turned 40, I feel very lonely, and I live in a state I do not like at all. I have posted threads about what to do, and you guys "listened", which is very important to me. I considered moving to Miami, and getting my CPA license there. But then I realized what I really, really want, and need, is going home and being surrounded by the people I love and who love me, and truly care for me. In other words; I want to go back home. Miami looks like a kind of substitute because it's geographically closer, and the culture is more similar, but I don't know anyone there. Today is Mother's Day and I am thousands of miles away from my mother. I miss her and the rest of my family more and more each day. I am totally on my own here, except for a few friends who I see occasionally, but who all have their own lives to live. I've been here 11 years, got a Bachelor's Degree, start my Master's next week. My mind is telling me all this sacrifice and all this working and going to school, and then coming home to be alone is not worth it. Life is short and there is no rewind option for mistakes we make. I feel I am wasting my life here. My mother and my brother get together every Tuesday night for dinner, and I was there with them the two weeks I was visiting in April. The thing is, I want to be there every Tuesday. Now that I am back I think about them on Tuesdays night and feel very lonely. Afraid if I go back I won't be able to find a job, and then what? I am a US citizen, so could come back if things don't work out there. Of course, renting the condo, giving up the furniture, selling the car, getting the cat ready for travel, etc. will be a hassle. Moving back here to start from scratch again would also be difficult, in case I'm not successful there. Thanks for reading, this place is great for me because it gives me the chance to comment issues and ideas with other people. I guess I'm not asking for advice or anything, just wanted to share. Unless you are an immigrant like me, it's probably very difficult to understand what I'm feeling.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 10:38:55 GMT -5
Can you look for a job before you go? Are there American companies with interests in the area? I forget which country?
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 11:05:36 GMT -5
You don't have to be from another country to feel like you want to go home. The older I get, the more I want to go home and the more I miss the rest of my family. A great-niece is graduating from high school in two weeks. A niece got married last year. Another niece welcomed a new baby girl last summer. I'll never get to see the northern lights again (aurora borealis). It's the place where TGH and I lived almost all of our married lives and where I was happiest.
I understand. And while you don't have to drop everything and run right home this minute, now is a good time to start making a plan so that when you finish your master's you'll be ready to roll if that's what you still want to do.
Heck, Ava, make a plan. If something changes between now and then, change your plan. It doesn't have to be carved in stone.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 11:07:27 GMT -5
I like oped's idea. Maybe look into American companies that have interests there. Or companies based in your country that have interests in America.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 12, 2013 11:25:28 GMT -5
Next time you go home, can you start looking for a job down there? I certainly would not leave without a job. And didn't you just enroll in your MS program? Are you willing to give that up too?
Why don't you consider a 2 year plan? This will give you the chance to complete your education. It will give you the opportunity to travel back home and scout out employment. It will give you the opportunity to put your condo on the market and move into an apartment. At the end of this, you will have a job you are moving to, the MS (and CPA?) that you are working for, and something to look towards.
Just don't make decisions rashly. When you do this is when you start to make mistakes that cannot be easily corrected. And you certainly do not want to burn any bridges.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on May 12, 2013 11:30:31 GMT -5
What were the reasons you left home in the first place? Do they still exist? It is one thing to idealize some aspects of being home, but it is another to live all aspects 24/7. Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to move home and settling down there. You've had a great 11 year adventure away. But, be sure you are moving home for solid, long term reasons.
I really think you should see a counselor. Why not give yourself the rest of 2013 to see a counselor to work through some of these issues? At the very least, a counselor could help you ensure you make the best decision regarding where to move to.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 12, 2013 11:36:46 GMT -5
The only way to change your life is to change your life. Listen to your heart. Sometimes you have to let your heart overrule your head. And, there is comfort in being where you feel at "home". Why not spend your life living near the people you love and the people who love you? You can find a way to make it work if you want to but realizing you might have to make some sacrifices in terms of career, education, etc. But, if that is truly what you want, then you should do it.
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on May 12, 2013 11:51:25 GMT -5
Home isn't where you hang your 'hat'. It's where your heart is. i agree with SHOO and MISSR.
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Post by unrepentant_spendthrift on May 12, 2013 12:04:17 GMT -5
Ava, I completely get where you are coming from. I'm also a first generation immigrant, though by now I've lived here longer than I did at "home"... I go thru these phases for like a month after a visit home, but the task of every day living soon wipes that whimsy away. You just got back, give it a couple of weeks and reevaluate. I have found the best way to cope is to immerse myself in my life here, work, friends etc Sounds almost wrong, but I even avoid hanging out with people from "home". This is my home now, and their conversations and reminiscing sometimes leaves me torn. Once or twice a year is more than enough. I always go back to the reason I moved in the first place; better opportunities. And I tell myself that someday I'll retire there. Of course, getting shot at just for being American while in Iraq helped speed up the assimilation process somewhat...
In fewer words, build a fulfilling social life here and the "grass is greener" syndrome wears away fast..
Some feelings never go away, though. I'm never American enough here to seamlessly fit in (I get the where are you from question as soon as I open my mouth) yet I'm too American to fit in back "home" when I visit. Welcome to No Man's Land..
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 12, 2013 12:13:01 GMT -5
It would be difficult to be from another country and have those kind of torn feelings. That is something i can't understand because i have lived in different States but never left my homeland. I am sure there is a strong pull in both directions. But, even though i now only live about 80 miles from where i grew up, it isn't the same town and not "home". But, all of my kids were born in this town and now this is their home. So, in some ways, the sense of home will never leave you but it may never really feel satisfied again either. We all long for simpler days of childhood if we had warm memories. Now it is time to make warm memories in the here and now and for those around us.
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simser
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Post by simser on May 12, 2013 12:15:35 GMT -5
When I was talking to you, as someone who thinks your native country would be a place I could live, you sounded a lot more pessimistic about living there... So I would probably develop a two to three year plan to see if this is really what you want.
I have found this year that I'm very restless. And I think that is because I don't have a huge life goal to move towards. No baby, no wedding, no graduation, no job hunt, no move. Could that be what you really want? Something that will give you chane?
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 12:17:12 GMT -5
The first time I came here it was a vacation, to visit some friends. But I met someone, kept in touch, came back, got married. He was a Prince Charming while I was making up my mind but once I was here he started becoming abusive. I remained here after my divorce, feeling very independent and capable. My country was in a huge financial crisis and I didn't want to go back and be a burden. I was too young to sit at home doing nothing, and let my family support me. But as years go by, I realize I want to be with them. More and more, like Ms. Rigby said, I miss them, think of them, and want to be there. I'll start my MS May 20th, and I will do that. But it's an intensive program and it ends in December. It's five summer classes and five Fall classes. I've been looking for jobs online. There's not much, and besides, when they ask for a professional degree, they ask for one from there, not from here. There are some American companies, and maybe I could get a job there. Financially I would take a personal hit, because I won't make very good money. My mother is well off and owns a huge condo. So I can live there. Career wise, I would basically give up having a career. Down there you get a job, it's very difficult to make a career. But at this point, and also after reading the thread "How ambitious are you?" I know I'll rather live with the people I love than to have a career and be alone in the world. I used to have some issues with my family when I lived there, nothing serious. Mainly my problems with them were that I wanted to live independently and didn't make enough money to buy or rent a place. But I know that through the years, and the distance, they appreciate me more now that I'm around only two or three weeks a year. I have also learned to appreciate them more. I am really tired of being alone. I missed the formative years of my only nephew, and that's something I'll never get back. I don't want to keep missing my people, just to say I have a job and make good money. This will mean giving up my dream of becoming a CPA, but I'll have a Bachelor's and a MS.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 12:21:29 GMT -5
Simser;
It's true that I sounded more negative about it. But the thing is, I hadn't visited for a while. Being there, among my people, made me realize I can live with the negative (mainly insecurity and high level crime). I've wanted to move out of here for a while now, and thought Miami would be a good place for me, basically because there's a lot of Argentinians there. But that would only be a substitute, and I would probably be as lonely as I am now. My mother had a conversation with me a few days ago, and said how much they miss me. I miss them, too. I miss them a lot. She wants me back, and honestly, I want to be back with them.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 12:35:35 GMT -5
One of my closest friends here is from Argentina. I think it gets harder for her every year because she feels like she's missing more and more of her family's life. I think you should look for jobs, network, get in contact with people who have your English speaking skills and are working in Argentina. From now to December will fly by when you think of all the things you would need to do to get ready to move, especially if you are taking classes. Then everything will be a lot closer to being ready if you decide to go.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 12, 2013 12:42:06 GMT -5
Rather than moving, is it possible to visit more and have longer extended visits? That might give you the chance to be home and bond with people as well as maintain your life here. That might recharge your batteries all the way around.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 12, 2013 12:46:53 GMT -5
One thing to consider, Ava.....if your mom was not there, would there still be this need to go back?
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 12:58:46 GMT -5
I don't have the chance to visit more often. Plane tickets cost around $1K. I only have 17 PTO days at my current work, and they don't want you to take more than one week at a time. Even if I change jobs, corporate America is not the right place to go ask for extended vacations. When I traveled back in April, I took two weeks off and my manager gave me grief for it. Maybe that's part of the problem. I've come to realize that when you work in an office, they expect you to take very little time off. When I found out about the one week off policy, I felt I couldn't breathe. I used to go for three weeks at a time in my previous job. Of course, it was a service job, with low pay and not many responsibilities. If my mother weren't there, I don't know. There's my brother and my nephew, and my extended family. I think my mother being there makes it easier for me to go back. My mother will pass away at some point (hopefully in the very distant future), and I see myself still being happy there. I have an awesome relationship with my brother. Besides, it's the feeling that family (at least my family) will help you and go out of their way, like nobody else would. For instance, when I get back here I have to wait for a bus to take me to Grand Central Station, then take the train, and then either catch a taxi at the local train station, if I'm lucky. If not, start calling acquaintances to see if someone wants to pick me up (I pay them for it). I've had to walk home from the train station more than once. When I'm there, I know they'll be there for me, to give me a ride and help carry my luggage.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 12, 2013 13:26:25 GMT -5
Missrugby is right in that you don't have to be a immigrant from another country to know lonliness. Working hard to come home to an empty house and no friends is pretty much my life in a nutshell as well. I know it can be soul crushing at times. I wish I had answers for you on how to "fix" your social problem, but I don't.
I don't think you're wrong for wanting to go back, and wanting to back vs. stay is a very personal decision.
But I do think you need to take some time to think about it and evaluate it. Is this a permanent feeling or something that will pass with time? You want to avoid making irrational decisions. Why did you come to the U.S in the first place? These are the things you need to be asking yourself.
Career wise, maybe an accountant can give you better answers, but moving out could torpedo your career. If you aren't practicing accounting, that will make getting your CPA much more difficult later. And if you are not working in the accounting field, that means you'll basically be back at entry level when/if you decide to return.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 13:44:25 GMT -5
Phoenix; I came here as a vacation, met someone, left but kept in touch with him. Then I came back to stay with him. Over time, he started drinking, doing drugs, quit working, and became abusive. I fled that relationship, but after that I've been on my own. Going back is something that has been on my mind for a while, my mother and I have talked about it several times, and I always said "no", but it's been sitting at the back of my mind for months now. Ever since I realized I am not happy in this state and want to move out. I was thinking Miami, but my mother pointed out I didn't really want to move to Miami, but back home. I told her that wasn't the case. But now I know that's exactly the case. Nobody knows you better than your mother. She knew before I knew. Just thinking about moving everything to go to Miami, where I don't know anyone, is daunting. Moving back home makes more sense to me. About putting my career on hold; yes, that would basically torpedo my career. All I would qualify for back home will be an Admin. with some accounting duties, or a bilingual secretary. I can find a job but not a career there. About coming back later to get my CPA license; I don't think so. If I leave now, even if I have to come back to work, I wouldn't go for my CPA. I am 40 now, I'm not going to go that route at 45 or 50.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 13:45:34 GMT -5
Also, when I visited in April, I found myself feeling jealous of people who were there and didn't have to board a plane in two weeks to travel far away, coming to an empty condo.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 13:53:41 GMT -5
In fewer words, build a fulfilling social life here and the "grass is greener" syndrome wears away fast..
I have never been able to "fit" enough to have a fulfilling social life here. Mainly because I came here at an age (30) when it's not easy to form lasting friendships. I think it's easier if you are here at an earlier age. Also, it's never been easy for me to make friends. I'm very shy. And I don't understand Americans very well. I am very different from most people at work. Different views, different interests, etc.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on May 12, 2013 13:53:48 GMT -5
That is so true.....I've lived here most of my life, my children were born here.. but I don't belong here... and that feeling never goes away.
I belong in the village I grew up....with family, parents, brothers, aunts, friends....and the halcyon years that were there. The house is still there but the people aren't...so I just have to accept what is.
I think ava has a real dilemma...The chance of an MSc is a good chance that could lead to something worthwhile. There could be new friends, new job and opportunities just around the corner. but if the homesickness is so great it might be difficult to live with....then again you could be missing the US after a couple of months.
Whatever you decide you have my best wishes.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 12, 2013 13:55:10 GMT -5
It sounds like you've decided to stay here until you finish your Master's studies, Ava. Perhaps, during that time you might concentrate on making some friends so you don't feel so alone here. Going to school is a way to meet people, but there are lots of other ways, as well. Volunteering, joining charitable organizations, getting involved in community projects and happenings ... all these put you in contact with people who may share your ideals, interests and goals.
Nobody likes to feel they're totally alone, that's for sure. It might be the best thing for you to return to the home of your birth, and your family. On the other hand, it might be, if you reach out a bit more and get outside your comfort zone a little bit, you'll find what you're looking for right where you are. You really can't know until you try. In the end, I'm sure you'll make the decision that's best for you.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 14:34:15 GMT -5
Mmh; believe me, I've tried to reach out and meet new people for years. Maybe it's my fault I've failed. It hasn't worked. Most people my age are in other stages of their lives; raising children, and spending their time off with their families. I haven't been able to "connect" much. I'm sure having a good social circle would help a lot. But it's not the case, and I doubt I'll be able to achieve that. Thanks for your good wishes.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 12, 2013 14:36:02 GMT -5
In fewer words, build a fulfilling social life here and the "grass is greener" syndrome wears away fast..I have never been able to "fit" enough to have a fulfilling social life here. Mainly because I came here at an age (30) when it's not easy to form lasting friendships. I think it's easier if you are here at an earlier age. Also, it's never been easy for me to make friends. I'm very shy. And I don't understand Americans very well. I am very different from most people at work. Different views, different interests, etc. I disagree with being able to form lasting friendships after 30. Some of my best friends I have ever made, I made when I was older. In fact, I have maintained a single relationship from college, but the vast majority were made when I was 35-50. I do not have a single childhood friend. The difference is that when I was 35, I realized that I had to put myself in places where I could meet people. I don't mean out in clubs, but doing things where I was not by myself. oh, and one of my best friends is a Turkish woman I met at 40. Her views and interests are waaaaay different than mine, but we took the time to learn from each other over the years, and even though we only get together every couple years, we pick up where we left off seamlessly.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 12, 2013 14:43:12 GMT -5
Mmh; believe me, I've tried to reach out and meet new people for years. Maybe it's my fault I've failed. It hasn't worked. Most people my age are in other stages of their lives; raising children, and spending their time off with their families. I haven't been able to "connect" much. I'm sure having a good social circle would help a lot. But it's not the case, and I doubt I'll be able to achieve that. Thanks for your good wishes. You're welcome, hon. I know it's often hard to connect with people; especially, if you're a shy person. I think it's easier if you can get involved in groups and working toward a community goal of some sort. There are often, in such groups, people just like you ... those who don't have a strong social circle. Still, I do understand where you're coming from, and the longing to go back to something warm and familiar.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 14:52:37 GMT -5
Ava, off topic but is your avatar your kitty? I LOVE that pretty kitty!
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 15:37:58 GMT -5
Ava as an American expat in France, my heart goes out to you. The older I get, the more I long to go "home". And I don't even have my parents anymore.
Did I misunderstand or could you finish your Masters in Dec? If that is correct, I would DEFINITELY do that! It would be easier, if you know you "have a plan" for afterwards. I'm not quite clear if you're talking about 6 or 18 months though. Six months sounds VERY short.
Other question I have which I haven't seen addressed (I may have missed it). Is your family in or near a major city where you are most likely to get a better job?
Hugs and good luck to you Ava!
ETA: In the case I got the details wrong, I would go for the Masters if I could do it in six or even 18 months, but I would probably let the CPA idea go, UNLESS you know that would really open doors. Being realistic, it's probably extremely unlikely you could complete a Masters and get your CPA in 18 months though.
ETA2: I wasn't completely sure of the geography so I just double checked. Might you have a much better opportunity in Uruguay, Paraguay or Chile, all bordering countries to Argentina? I know they are not Argentina, but you would still be much MUCH closer to your family than you are in CT or even FL. I don't know where your family is, so you could always focus on the one or two countries that are closest to wherever your family is in Argentina (as well as Argentina itself of course).
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 12, 2013 16:17:32 GMT -5
Ava, off topic but is your avatar your kitty? I LOVE that pretty kitty!Yes, Miss Rigby, that's my kitty. Did I misunderstand or could you finish your Masters in Dec? If that is correct, I would DEFINITELY do that! It would be easier, if you know you "have a plan" for afterwards. I'm not quite clear if you're talking about 6 or 18 months though. Six months sounds VERY short.
Yes, I can have it finished by December. It's an intensive program; 30 credits. Five classes during the summer; 15 credits, and five classes during the Fall (the other 15 credits). You can take longer if you want, and do it little by little, but I rather start and be done with it. In the case I got the details wrong, I would go for the Masters if I could do it in six or even 18 months, but I would probably let the CPA idea go, UNLESS you know that would really open doors. Being realistic, it's probably extremely unlikely you could complete a Masters and get your CPA in 18 months though.
The CPA wouldn't even count there. They don't have CPA certification there. A Master may count for something, a CPA wouldn't mean anything. If I have to come back, it would be easier get a CPA if I have a Master's. I wasn't completely sure of the geography so I just double checked. Might you have a much better opportunity in Uruguay, Paraguay or Chile, all bordering countries to Argentina?Maybe. Believe it or not, these countries have an agreement much like the European Union, called Mercosur. Despite that, it's extremely difficult to obtain work and residency permits from one country to another. Crazy if you ask me. Argentina is a possibility, and Uruguay too. Paraguay or Chile are way more difficult to get into, but I would consider them as a last resource. My family lives in the biggest city in the country, so that should help. I guess at the same time that's one of the reasons why I never truly adapted here; I live in a small town with no much going on. I am used to (and love) huge cities.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2013 16:41:39 GMT -5
Ava, I am going to take a wild guess here and guess that there is not a HUGE number of people with a Masters applying for a job under that "Mercosur" agreement. I do realize it may still be extremely difficult to obtain the permits, but even if you just go for Uruguay, that gives you another option.
Another thought: I know NOTHING about this, but frankly, as an ESL teacher, I have always been very impressed because your written English here on the boards is FLAWLESS. Have you ever considered applying to be a civil servant / embassies / consulates / whatever?
I admit that I don't know much about those countries, or their employment rates. But maybe you are underestimating your abilities? I would REALLY encourage you to "stretch" your goal and apply to a few "dream" jobs you "know" you will never get.
Worst-case scenario, you are right, and you don't get them. Nothing lost apart from a bit of time and some electrons. Personally I still think you are underestimating your value on the job markets there, even if it takes you a while.
In the meantime, you could be doing all the rest (selling your condo, dealing with your furniture, arranging transport for your cat, etc)
I could be wrong of course, but I still think it's worth a try. What do you have to lose?!
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