steph08
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Post by steph08 on Mar 26, 2013 10:27:26 GMT -5
DH has accepted a job across the state, and he is moving there while the rest of us (me and the 4 dogs) are staying put, for now.
The position is a limited term contract for one year. However, as soon as he starts, he is able to transfer to any open (and permanent) positions in his field in any office across the state. We are hoping a position opens up at an office within range of our current house, but we anticipate living separately for several months/a year until he finds a permanent position somewhere near home and comes back or we end up moving to a new place.
It isn't ideal, but he has been waiting to get in with this agency, and we are thrilled that he finally did. But he is 4.5-5 hours away now.
Have any of you ever lived apart from your spouse for an extended period? Any suggestions/tips?
I know this is YM Off-Topic, but to make it a little money-related - DH is receiving a large pay increase (about 60%), but the additional cost of housing will mostly negate all that, but we will still save a fair amount each month (hopefully same as before this new job). DH will also now have access to retirement accounts and will be contributing a good amount.
I anticipate a lot of miles being put on our cars back and forth. Unfortunately most of that burden will fall on DH as I will not kennel or have my parents/in-laws watching our dogs (they will for vacation, but every other weekend is a bit much). Also, one of our dogs was just diagnosed with cancer, and I feel that his care should fall entirely on my shoulders. I don't expect others to understand how he is feeling/acting now, and we have not even started any treatment (waiting to hear on cancer type and grade).
Thanks in advance.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2013 10:36:56 GMT -5
I lived apart from my wife for 6 months last year: a lot of phone conversations , face time and traveling back in forth (every other weekend) etc.
Next month we will hear if we will be apart for a year or not. She applied for a 1 year assignment to Haiti so this will be more like not seeing her for 3-6 months or so.
Skype, talking, texting, Etc. Not easy but possible.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 26, 2013 10:39:29 GMT -5
Taz, who posts a lot on WIR and EE, is in a similar situation. Except with little kids instead of dogs. She's been doing it for a few months now. And Pabsta, her DH works in the Middle East on contracts. I'm sure there's more but those are the ones who sprang to mind.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2013 10:48:33 GMT -5
Cheesy got a new job and is living in TX and her DH is still in FL.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 26, 2013 10:52:12 GMT -5
I haven't, but my friend's husband just got a job across the country (yes, the whole country) and they have decided to try and live apart for a year or two. He is able to work from home every few weeks. I'm not sure it is something I would do long-term. Maybe a year, but any more than that would not work for me.
I have another friend who is actually hoping that her boyfriend never comes to live in town. She says it would be ideal to be a "weekend girlfriend" forever. That way she can concentrate on work during the week, and fun on the weekend. Not my thing, but people do all sorts of different things that I would fail miserably at.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Mar 26, 2013 10:52:22 GMT -5
My side of the state? I'll show him a good time!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2013 11:04:12 GMT -5
4.5-5 hours is not that bad. Do either of you have the option to work longer days so you can take every friday or every other friday off? I am very sorry about your dog.
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Mar 26, 2013 11:10:07 GMT -5
My DH and I did this last year - he moved to TX for a new job and my son and I stayed in CA. He visited us only twice in the year, but we would talk every day - sometimes multiple times a day. He came back after a year,but said it was really helpful for his job to be close to a lot of the people he worked with and establishing himself as a good & reliable employee. He travels a lot for his job and we have done this a few times over the 19 years we have been married, so I am used to this. If you have never done this before, it's a little hard, but with technology it has become a lot easier. He used to be a marine engineer when we got married in 1994 and calls from ships were really expensive - he could call once a month and only if the weather was good [img src="http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png" alt=" " src="http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png"]. Good luck and hope he gets a position closer to home soon.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2013 11:17:18 GMT -5
but with technology it has become a lot easier. And amen to that!!! It does make it easier if you can still communicate with the person on a regular/daily basis.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Mar 26, 2013 11:28:33 GMT -5
My brother and his wife did this for one semester of college. My brother and SIL got married when they were both in college. My SIL still had 1 quarter left when my brother graduated in November. She was suppose to take the winter quarter off and then go in the spring. They scrapped that plan and she didn't go back for a couple years. By then, the university had switched to semesters. They were 500 miles apart. My SIL did not have a car at the school. If I remember correctly (I was in college 300 miles away in the opposite direction), my brother typically worked 3-12hr days and then a half day on Thursday, drive up Thursday afternoon/night and drive home Sunday and do it all over again. I think he took a week off in October and November to just spend up there with her (he might have done some work as well, not real sure, this would have been Fall 2002). What they were doing was not sustainable long term at all.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Mar 26, 2013 11:43:28 GMT -5
DH and I did this for 2 years while I was in college. He would come to see me once a month for 6 or 7 days and I would spend the summers and assorted breaks with him here. It really wasn't that bad. We were both very busy. He is gone several days a week still for work and its not that big of a deal. We have always been apart at times due to his job so its something that is normal for us. I think I would go nuts if he was here every night. We like our space.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Mar 26, 2013 11:43:47 GMT -5
I work from home two days a week, so I technically could be down with DH for 3/4 days a week including the weekend, but the dogs are the issue on that front (but I wouldn't trade them for anything ). Otherwise we wouldn't really have too many problems seeing each other. DH's current job takes him away anywhere from 2-4 nights a week, so not seeing each other for a 3-4 day span is fairly normal. We aren't sure when he can start doing it, but they do offer working an extended day in order to have every other Friday off. That would help out a lot. I will probably have him take the iPad since I have an iPhone and then we can FaceTime. Otherwise we text pretty frequently and will probably talk on the phone more with him gone.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Mar 26, 2013 11:44:19 GMT -5
We had the opportunity to do live apart a few years ago, but we decided not to. Good luck to you both! And I hope he's able to transfer back home soon!
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on Mar 26, 2013 11:45:34 GMT -5
Did it a lot when DH was in the USN, then he travelled A LOT after. He was in CA for 9 months but got back every three weeks or so. It does get tiring.
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Mar 26, 2013 11:52:27 GMT -5
We experienced many separations.
My advice is to be reasonable with your expectations from one another,and supportive of each other's needs. It will create hardships for both of you, but don't try to "one up" each other!!
Best of luck!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 26, 2013 11:56:54 GMT -5
We were long distance at the beginning of our relationship (went straight from that to living together, which I wouldn't necessarily recommend even though it worked for us). It's hard to imagine doing it now - honestly, the idea makes my feel a little sick inside.
Maybe before we had a baby it would have been easier to swallow but now? I think I would say yes only if we could see him all weekend every weekend. For any other kind of arrangement, something major would have to be in play - like the opportunity of a lifetime that we'd be crazy insane to pass up, and we knew it would only be temporary. Like six months kind of temporary.
I honestly don't know how people live apart from their spouses. I feel sorry for anyone who has to do that for whatever reason (I mean, assuming they have a good marriage and WANT to be living together). Especially if there are kids in the picture.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 26, 2013 12:12:30 GMT -5
Taz, who posts a lot on WIR and EE, is in a similar situation. Except with little kids instead of dogs. Thanks for thinking of me beth! DH got a job promotion 4.5 hours away from our current location. For right now, pay is about the same, but it's an excellent opportunity for him and has the potential to make more. I'm in the middle of tax season and my work isn't aware of what's going on yet. We are the midst of fixing up our house to sell and I've been busy polishing up my resume. We hope to have our house in the market shortly. Once tax season ends, I'll put my resume out there and start job hunting. I'm not sure when I'll mention what's going on with my work yet. Ideally, I would like it for me and DD to be down by the end of the summer if not sooner. Regarding the other stuff, DD stays with me and I take care of all child care. Luckly, she's a pretty easy baby and toddler so it could be worse. DH and I talk everyday and we see other every other weekend or so. Except for once when DD and I drove down, DH comes up and stays through the weekend. One weekend my mom came to town to watch DD so I could work that Saturday, but I do bring work home with me most nights so I can work after she goes to bed. We have Skyped once, but DH is working quite a bit down there as there's no one to go home to so it hasn't happened alot anyway. FWIW, this is the 2nd time that this has happened. The first time was when we decided to relocate for us down to where we currently live. I had the job lined up and started before busy season. DH's business didn't sell until mid-busy season and then it took awhile for our house to sell. DH went up periodically to work on it and spend time with his parents since we did move 12.5 hours away from them. Also the first time, it was DH and I as DD wasn't born yet. During that time, we spoke on the phone alot. If the roles were reversed, I would think that DD would have a harder time with it than she has. Since I'm the primary caregiver even when DH lived up here, it hasn't been too much of a change for DD. Also, she's 19 months old so she probably won't remember this time anyway. As DH and I have discussed multiple times, we know this is a temporary arrangement, but it's a great opportuntity for him and my type of work is flexible and can be done where ever we do. DD will adjust anywhere and she's too young to remember were we currently live anyway. Ultimately, DH and I are committed to each other and know this is a temporarly arrangement. Good luck steph and mr. steph!! Also, I'm sorry to hear about your dog.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2013 12:23:59 GMT -5
"We aren't sure when he can start doing it, but they do offer working an extended day in order to have every other Friday off. " This is what I do and I was told of this alternative in the interview. However, they dragged their feet on it for 2 years and just when I forgot I applied for this alternative work schedule, they approved. Others had it approved right away. The department head in my department just hates this option so he tries to get people to not take it I hope he can do it right away.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Mar 26, 2013 12:40:36 GMT -5
I hope so too, bunnysmom. That would be nice for us. Taz, thanks for the insight - I was worried that once every two weeks or so might be too long between visits, but it seems that it works for you guys and probably a lot of others. Obviously it isn't ideal, but it isn't forever. Thanks for all the advice. I forgot there were so many military folks/families on here, and I know you guys all have it way worse than we will! I think it is probably like anything in a marriage, if you want to make it work, it will work.
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simser
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Post by simser on Mar 26, 2013 12:49:15 GMT -5
I did and wasn't military. However, I got divorced by the end of it (we were on 2 years with no end in sight and I finally was realizing how abusive he was when I wasn't living with him). If you want perspective from someone who didn't make it work pm me and I'll tell you what I would say is mandatory, and what I would do differently. It's a little too personal to put on here. Of course my biggest thing is that you have to have a spouse you should be married to. I did not and that may be the biggest thing
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 26, 2013 13:17:05 GMT -5
Taz, thanks for the insight - I was worried that once every two weeks or so might be too long between visits, but it seems that it works for you guys and probably a lot of others. Obviously it isn't ideal, but it isn't forever. True, it isn't ideal, but it isn't forever either. So far, we have made it work. Both of us are busy with our works so that does help. I must admit, at times it is nice only have to deal with DD when I get home instead of with DH too. DH can have quite an appetite and I like that leftovers last 2-3 times longer when it just DD and myself instead of DH with us. It's also nice to just chill and relax or just watch whatever I want when DH isn't home.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 26, 2013 13:17:55 GMT -5
simser - I'm sorry to hear about the relationship you were in, but I'm glad you were able to get out of it.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Mar 26, 2013 13:28:43 GMT -5
Taz - my work also won't know about the situation either. It is easier to keep it quiet than have to deal with questions and worry that I am leaving (which I'm not - at least not yet - though that isn't the same in your case!).
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Mar 26, 2013 16:27:38 GMT -5
With my DH being in the Air Force years ago, does it count that he was gone 3 of the first 4 years we were married?
All we had back then were airmail stamps and we kept in touch by this weird thing called USPS....(letters, ya know, hand written letters).
Even after he was out of the AF, he always had positions that required a lot of travel, and some assignments were the 6 month variety...by then the world had changed and we had this invention called a telephone....imagine that!!!
Actually, during the 6 month deals, he flew home every 3 weeks, or I flew there, and his company paid all expenses, including his apartment rent and rental car.
You'll manage, it's not the end of the world.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Mar 26, 2013 17:36:51 GMT -5
In our 10 years of marriage, we've been through 6 deployments to Iraq, 1 deployment to Afghanistan, 1 deployment to Colombia, and two lengthy TDYs to Florida and Arizona. Plus all sorts of shorter (3 week TDYs) every few months. He joked the other day that 10 years of marriage hasn't felt like 10 years ... probably because he's been gone for half!
We're facing a similar situation within the next year -- he'll need to move for his next work assignment to make it to his "active duty 20 year retirement" eligibility, and isn't sure that there will be a position there that he can keep afterward. We really don't want to have to sell our house and move a houseful of pets across the country for what we anticipate to be a temporary (2 years/less) assignment, so the initial plan is for me to remain here (hopefully waiting for the local housing market to improve) while we see what's up with his career, etc. This might have us living across the country from each other for a while.
For us, one of the things we'll need to work on is a budget that deals with two households, etc... that will be a change.
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Mar 26, 2013 18:27:34 GMT -5
molly, As you and DH sort through your next assignment!!
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 26, 2013 19:18:53 GMT -5
molly, As you and DH sort through your next assignment!!
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 26, 2013 19:24:23 GMT -5
One of DD's friends has a similar arrangement with her mom and dad. Her parents decided to sell their house and move to our state. Their house sold very quickly and the mom was able to find a job down here quickly. The last I heard, the dad was still looking for a job down here and flying back-and-forth every other weekend. Also, the dad's work didn't know about their arrangement either.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Mar 26, 2013 19:54:05 GMT -5
My DH and I were separated for 5 months when we first moved to FL. He stayed up north to wrap up his business and sell the house, I moved immediately for my job. We saw each other 2 times before he moved down here-1 of those times was for our wedding! We even had to separate after the wedding for a month before he moved down here permanently. It was tough. But we talked and emailed about 100 times a day. It was harder for him-I had a new job to keep me occupied, plus I'd seen my parents do it before and had an idea of what I was getting into. Also, going I to it, we didn't know how long we would be separated for. It easily could have been longer, but he decided he missed me, wanted to be in FL with me and would just rent the house instead of waiting for it to sell. I think the hardest part was re-acclimating to living with each other again. It was great to have him here but it was hard going from all alone to having him here all.the.time after a 5 month break
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NotSoFair
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Post by NotSoFair on Mar 26, 2013 20:02:17 GMT -5
DH and I have been apart for about 2 years and 7 months now. He lives abroad, hopefully he will join me next month.
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