Friends drama: opinion needed

[Tiny]

Swasat, I'm sorry for your loss. I do know that the Holidays seem to bring all the old pain and grief back to the forfront of everyday life.


Do you remember what kind of 'messages' - verbal/body language you may have inadvertantly sent to them when you were with them in June? Maybe they misread you and thought you really DID want some space and time to cope with the loss of your mom.

I have a dear, dear friend who while her mother was ill and then when mom die - was very cold and distant and sometimes a bit harsh anytime myself and 2 other friends tried to express that we were there for her... we took it that she really did want some space and some 'alone' time. She eventually came out and said she was hurt that we didn't offer enough support... and the 3 of us were in alittle bit of shock. We did apologise and things got patched up - but the 3 of us did have a "one time never speak of it again bitch session" about WTF had just happened... dear dear friend wasn't very receptive to talking to us, was alittle bit mean (unintentionally), and very adamant about wanting to be left alone/have some space to deal with everything - so we did what we thought would help to make her feel better - we stepped back. Apparently, that wasn't what dear dear friend really wanted from us.

That said, I'm on your side - your friends should have apologized when you said you were hurt by their actions -- even if they felt like they weren't at fault. they should have done this well before 'fault could be assigned'. Unfortunately, it sounds like finger pointing has started and that never ends well. You may need to be the bigger person and approach them with a white flag (for a truce - not an apology) and see if you can patch things up. I don't think you can 'teach them a lesson' by forcing them (waiting for them) to apologize. I also don't think you need to apologize to them.

I think you all need to move past the 'who's gonna apologize' thing - maybe come to some sort of 'agree to disagree' about what the 'right thing to have done was' and move on. This shouldn't be a friendship killing problem. Really, it shouldn't.

[happyscooter]

I don't call if I think they need their space. As in an untimely death or unexpected death. But I will send a card which requires no action on their part but lets them know I am there.

I also do not tell someone 'call me if you need me'. No one is going to call and say 'I haven't had time to go to the grocery store. Can you go buy groceries/diapers for a family of 4 for a week?' First of all, that is a lot to ask and second, what if that person doesn't have $80-100 to lay out at the grocery store.

So I call them and say 'I am bringing over supper on Wed. What time is good for you? 5:00 or 6:00?' When they say 'no, don't worry about us'. I repeat, 'I am bringing over supper on Wed. What time is good for you? 5:00-6:00?'

[jaya3300]

Often it's hard to know what to do. SIL's father was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. I don't know if she needs space or if I should periodically contact her and offer my support. She lives an hour away from me, and her family lives six hours away. Since I can't read minds, I'll likely ask my brother.

Sounds like these are life long friends. If they have a habit of not supporting you, then part ways. If it's the first time they let you down, then repair the friendship.

[Nazgul Girl]

Swasat, first of all, I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother. It's really a difficult time, especially if you weren't expecting it. Secondly, it seems like something is missing from the equation here. These friends seem to be ignoring you and then beating up on you because you are not "over it" and think that you are playing the "victim" role. You have lost your mother ! How do they think you are supposed to feel ?

It seems that the three of you have drifted apart. I don't know what to make of it, but I would think carefully about whether they're worth keeping up with after this. I would reach out to them and see if they are still cold or blaiming you for genuine, legitimate grief. If they rough you up again, I'd part ways.

[milee]

Just a thought for everybody who struggles with the issue of how best to support a friend in a time of crisis or grief... I've started doing this: first just tell them how sorry you are for ______ and how much you care about them. Then I am honest about the fact that I can be awkward about some of these things and just want to know how I can support them. Would they like me to call or leave them alone? Do they want me to talk about it or avoid bringing it up? If they seem hesitant to be so blunt in requesting something specific, I make some offers of some specific things I'd like to do (bring dinner, babysit kids, do laundry) and maybe a few jokes about my awkwardness.

Again, I'm not always the best at the people stuff, but so far, every one who I've asked that of seemed to be happy to tell me what they needed and it was of course, really helpful for me to have a really clear understanding of what I should and shouldn't do.

BTW, there's been a pretty wide range of answers people give. From "do nothing and leave me alone until I bring it up" to "please call and check on me a few times a day and it will make me feel better to talk about it a lot."

[Deleted]

First of all, nobody should ever tell someone to "get over" the death of a loved one. Or decide how long someone should or how they should grieve. You never 'get over" the death of someone, you simply learn to go on with life with a hole in your heart. At one point, shortly after my brother died, my mom was at the grocery store and saw a friend and her husband, through her pain, she smiled and tried to make small talk at which point this ARSEHOLE of a man said to my mom "Well, it didn't take you very long to get over it". What a totally VILE and DESPICABLE thing to say and person he must be. I watched my mom grieve and saw her pain, how dare he.

[Deleted]

And, if they are actually saying to you that you are "playing a victim", that is just plain rude.

[Deleted]

I think people need a class in how to talk to the bereaved:

1. God's will - Well, yeah, everything is God's will. Not sure how that is comforting.
2. You will get over it in time. Um, no, nobody "gets over it", you just learn to keep going.

Any others?

[busymom]

I think it's annoying when people tell you "that happened to you because HE knows you can handle it". REALLY?!? The God I know doesn't "" on good people, & give "bad" people a pass...

[InsertCoolName]

The question I have been asked so much this month is "How are you doing?"

I answer honestly. People seem shocked.

The one question I have been asked....less than 48 hours after finding out....was 'Did you really love him?' I'm still amazed I'm not in jail over that one.

[Deleted]

I said your friends are not friends OBVIOUSLY!! When you needed them the absolute MOST they were not there. And then I said they are a pair of you know whats. But it put stars there instead. tHEY ARE A pair of c's. Sorry, but they ar?e. with friends like them, who needs friends?

[seriousthistime]

Dec 22, 2012 10:42:27 GMT -5 @shooby said:

First of all, nobody should ever tell someone to "get over" the death of a loved one. Or decide how long someone should or how they should grieve. You never 'get over" the death of someone, you simply learn to go on with life with a hole in your heart. At one point, shortly after my brother died, my mom was at the grocery store and saw a friend and her husband, through her pain, she smiled and tried to make small talk at which point this ARSEHOLE of a man said to my mom "Well, it didn't take you very long to get over it". What a totally VILE and DESPICABLE thing to say and person he must be. I watched my mom grieve and saw her pain, how dare he.

When my mother was suddenly widowed at the age of 35 with 3 small kids, few job skills, and no life insurance, she was told by someone at the visitation that she was young and would marry again. Some comfort ... but it was probably an inartful way for that person to express sympathy. It is really hard to know how to comfort people, to know the right thing to say, or whether to say much of anything at all except the rote statement of sympathy which might seem cold.

Is it possible, swasat, to give them a pass on this and just try to go forward?

[Deleted]

I don't know how I'd react to that one! That was horribly inconsiderate of them! It was her MOTHER for God's sake. Besides a child, there is no bigger loss. Unless of course, one thinks very little of their mother, but still. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the disappointment of your friends. BETTER DAYS ARE COMING! Don't lose hope.

[ZaireinHD]

Am I being irrational in telling them that their behavior wasn't right? Do you think I am overreacting?

I've read your op several times and see this is the actual question. so you're not thinking of ending the friendship which is good and shouldn't. as for you telling them their behavior wasn't right - was not a bad thing to do. you were only expressing your thoughts and feelings.
Do I think you overreacted - yes I think so. your non friends all came to you to express sympathy. they don't know you like your two best friends. they both felt it was best to give you space. then afterwards reached out to go out. but you took it to another place that was unintended. as said if you needed them not sure why you held back yourself and not reached out to them.
do you think if you had reached out to them or just one of them she would not have consoled you? of course they would have been there for you. to me it looks like they see a part of you that you didn't know about yourself. they see you as someone to give you space to heal. you see yourself as needing and wanting a shoulder to cry on.

[swasat]

I appreciate all the input.

Personally, I don't think they did anything intentionally or maliciously. I am more of the opinion that they were either just insconsiderate or trying to avoid an awkward conversation.

Either ways, it was never my intention to end the friendship. They have been like sisters to me except for this instance which left me utterly perplexed too. I have decided to give this some time and let things drift. As of yesterday we are all doing regular texting pretending nothing happened. So maybe they are trying as well. Which is a good thing.

Thank you all. It was good to have some outside perspective.