Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 17, 2012 13:05:50 GMT -5
I feel embarrassed by even posting this, but I would really appreciate other people's views on this matter. It's long, personal, emotional, and a little complicated, so not everybody's cup of tea. About six years ago, I was recently separated (I've since divorced) and living on my own for the first time. I had a full time job, and I took a part-time night job to make ends meet since I was living on my own for the first time. My marriage was a disaster and since then I decided to close that part of my life. But back then I was younger and more hopeful. My night supervisor was about my age, also Hispanic but with a different nationality. I saw him approx. once a week when he would drop by and see how everything was, I gave him my order for supplies, etc. I would bake him goods, he would come really late, we would talk, and before you know it I was in love. Feeling really connected to him, one night I made the terrible mistake of confessing my feelings. In his favor, I have to admit he never said he loved me. But he did small things that made me hopeful, and he started asking me for help. He was an illegal immigrant and finally asked me to get my divorce and marry him so he could become legal. I was so much in love that I was going to do it. Then my logical brain took over and, even though I wanted to help him, I said I needed time to think. He continued dropping smalls hints here and there. One weekend he knew I had tickets for a concert and asked me not to go and stay home so he will visit me. I said no, I had already made plans with friends and I was going out. I was about to start the community college and he told me not to go, better keep working the two jobs. I started college anyway, going for weekend classes. Then he came back and said to make up for that weekend. He said he'll come to my apartment Saturday night. I waited for him, I cooked for him, and he never showed up. I called him and he didn't answer his phone. He never offered me an explanation. I got a promotion at my day job, and left the night job a few weeks later to go to college full-time. I honestly thought I would never see him again. He hurt me more than he probably realized. Like I said, my marriage was horrible and I am very insecure. My feelings for this guy were real and he wasn't aware of how deep in love I was. I was relieved to get him out of my life, and I thought I'll never see him again. Fast forward to today, the guy married someone for money, is a citizen now, and he's in a relationship with my best friend's niece. He keeps working at the same company, and my friend's niece works there, too. They are now living together. I am really angry because my best friend is like a sister to me. Holidays, birthdays, long weekends, we get together at her house and another friend's house. These people have been my family for me in this country. Now this guy is present at every get together. It's a very painful experience for me. This Saturday we had a pizza party and he was there. My friend invited him for Christmas' Eve and for Christmas. My friend knows everything that happened years ago but pretends nothing happened. I am honestly considering spending Christmas' Eve at home alone instead of going to this dinner. I am very angry he's integrating himself into my (very small) circle of friends, angry with myself because I am letting this affect me. Angry because I an seriously considering staying by myself when I would be going if it weren't for him. I don't want to give him any power over me. At the same time I know attending the party is going to be very upsetting and stressful for me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2012 13:14:16 GMT -5
Did anyone know how deep your feelings were for him? If you didn't tell anyone (even HIM) then how are they to know that him being invited to these gatherings is very painful for you? I don't know if you should go or not, but I don't think you should be blaming them for including him in social gatherings, since he is dating someone in their family.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 17, 2012 13:14:55 GMT -5
Sroo, I try not to show it, but I am hurt. The only thing I wanted is to get him out of my life, and now he's integrating himself in my social circle. I don't want him there. I am very tense around him, and I don't enjoy the food, the conversation, etc.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 17, 2012 13:15:37 GMT -5
Beerwench; I told him. He knows. My best friend also knows.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2012 13:17:37 GMT -5
You said that you told him you loved him, but you also said: " My feelings for this guy were real and he wasn't aware of how deep in love I was."
So, my point is that no one knows how hurt you were or how hurt you are now because you never told anyone how deeply you felt for him.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 17, 2012 13:19:22 GMT -5
He has a couple of failed relationships in his past. I think he won't be around forever, but probably for a few years. That's too long for me.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 17, 2012 13:20:17 GMT -5
Unfortunately we cannot control who other people choose to date. It's up to you to decide if this is worth not attending the holiday dinner for. They will probably ask why and it might not be hard for them to figure out why. I can tell you right now that your best friend's nice won't the guy to spare your feelings. They will tell you that it is your problem, not theirs.
Not related to the situation but personally I would recommend you get some counseling. If this has been six years the guy really should not have this much power over your life anymore.
If it were me I'd go and let sleep dogs lie. I'd be polite and as nice as I have to be socially and that's it. It's not like I have to be friends with the guy. All I have to do is be cordial.
I wouldn't risk potentially cutting myself off from dear friends because of feelings for a guy I had six years ago.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Dec 17, 2012 13:26:54 GMT -5
go to the party - and if you start feeling that you are beginning to get upset then leave. this way you will not stay at home because of him - giving him the power over you. you will be able to show him and yourself that you are over it - him and have moved on with your life. once you begin to feel overwhelmed or getting upset - that's when it's time to go. there is also the possibility he may not get to you as you are expecting, and actually have a good time
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 17, 2012 13:31:31 GMT -5
Sometimes with things like this, the best thing to do is to desensitize yourself to him. Sure, it is awkward now. But, if you are around him for a couple of hours a few times per month, you will start noticing that he isn't as great as you thought, and you will get used to him being around, and you will fordge a new relationship with him - one where he is the boyfriend of your friend's neice. You don't have to be friends - just spend enough time with him that he no longer bothers you. That takes time. But, I suspect if you pull out of your social circle now, and he stays in - you are stuck forever.
If I were you, I would just go. I might have a lousy time or maybe an okay time. But I wouldn't die and neither will you. The next time, you will feel less stressed. The time after that - maybe even a little less stressed. And one day, you will wake up and find you don't care if he is there or not.
I've seen people marry and divorce and still be able to figure out how to be in the same room. You can do it too.
Either that, or become an isolated loner.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 17, 2012 13:35:25 GMT -5
No, I don't want to become an isolated loner. I love my friends.
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ihearyou2
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Post by ihearyou2 on Dec 17, 2012 13:42:34 GMT -5
There is that which you can control and that which you can't. For now he is part of your small circle of friends and that can't be controlled. What can be controlled is your choice of saying screw it, these are my friends and I'm not giving them up. As time will go on the awkwardness will fade and he'll become part of the landscape. If you don't go back, then ironically it will bother you more in the long term.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 17, 2012 13:42:52 GMT -5
Just thank the powers that be that you managed to avoid him and he found someone else. Ignore him and have a good time.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 17, 2012 13:43:05 GMT -5
Ava-are you the poster who lives in Connecticut and who wishes to move to Florida?
Go to the Christmas dinner(s). Just don't spend a lot of time there prior to and after dinner. He being there is out of your hands. Don't let him completely spoil Christmas for you.
Consider yourself lucky for some of your life lessons-you could have been his wife and had him cheating on you.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Dec 17, 2012 13:46:52 GMT -5
Ava, have you forgiven yourself for your part in this? Most of my negative feelings about exes are related to shame I have. I am embarrassed that I made poor choices with men and embarrassed that I allowed them to treat me badly.
You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. It sounds like this guy is a user and he met you at a time when you were very vulnerable. You were strong enough to realize that what he was asking wasn't something you wanted to give.
If it were me, I would spend some time just sitting and processing what you are feeling in the here and now, forgiving yourself and thinking as many positive thoughts as you can about him and the friend's niece. If you go to the party focused on the negative things (and that would be easy because this guy sounds pretty negative) it will be really awkward. If you can go and focus on what you like about yourself and him and the niece, it might be easier for you.
Tough situation. I am sorry to hear that you are faced with this. I know how lonely it can be when you are an expat during the holidays.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Dec 17, 2012 13:48:26 GMT -5
You can't control what other people do or how other people feel. You can only control how you react. You did nothing wrong, so you have no reason to feel embarrassed. Hold your head up, enjoy your friends and family, and don't let this man spoil the pleasure you get from your social circle. When you change your plans because of him or think of depriving yourself of social interactions you would really miss, you give him power over your life. The only power he has is what you allow him to have. Think of him as a gnat. Brush him away and get on with the life you want.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Dec 17, 2012 13:57:33 GMT -5
Ava, I think you need to get some counciling and read some books to get to the bottom of why you seem to be falling for users. Something is going on here, something that will keep you unhapy until it is resolved.
And as others have stated, you shouldn't give up your friends because of this guy. Doing so would make you even easier prey for the next abusive user that walks into your life.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 17, 2012 14:18:07 GMT -5
Sroo, I try not to show it, but I am hurt. The only thing I wanted is to get him out of my life, and now he's integrating himself in my social circle. I don't want him there. I am very tense around him, and I don't enjoy the food, the conversation, etc. ava, stop being a drama queen! You had divorce. You had fallen in love with person who didn't love you back! Big deal!!! If you can't stand this cituation with him being in your 'circle' - get out and form another circle!!! No one is supposed to dance around you because your feelings were hurten! Its life and it goes on whether you like it or not. And swamp, if someone said 'I can't have a good time around someone' - how is this your advise 'just ignore him and have a good time?' Can YOU really just change you as you want? I am sure not. I am positive ava shouldn't go because she can't even enjoy the food! She is probably watching his every move and soon everyone will notice and it will be awkward. She needs to get out. NOW!!!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 17, 2012 14:19:28 GMT -5
How was he a superviser with no papers?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 17, 2012 14:22:10 GMT -5
I can talk myself into having a good time. I can also ignore people who irritate me.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 17, 2012 14:26:50 GMT -5
I can talk myself into having a good time. I can also ignore people who irritate me. On these boards you can be as super as you want! I was talking 'real life' cituations! Or Have you EVER been in love? And tried to ignore him after that? I am sure not...
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 17, 2012 14:30:22 GMT -5
I've been in the same social circle with ex-boyfriends whom I was in love with. It is awkward.
I will also say that susanb's post about how most of the awkwardness is me being embarassed - either because I did something that was undignified during the break-up, or I felt like I acted in an unbecoming way during the relationship. I felt like I was taken advantage of, and probably appeared weak or stupid. Or, I desperately pleaded for him to keep loving me. I didn't want to be around someone who had seen me so terrible vunerable. Someone who had power over me.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Dec 17, 2012 14:43:14 GMT -5
I also think you should go to the party. Over time you will become accustomed to seeing him and become desensitized. Just try to get through a few gatherings and treat him neutrally as an acquaintance and things should get less intense each time. When you see him, remind yourself that he has no power over you, that you made your decisions about him in the past and that you are content to live with the results.
Many years ago I dated a co-worker. At the time he worked in another building across town so I didn't think it was a big deal. We broke up a few years later but the company had restructured so I started seeing him at work all the time. It was weird and uncomfortable at first but we got used to it and in the end developed a pretty good friendship.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 17, 2012 14:50:04 GMT -5
Why do you all want her to suffer? Nothing is forever, so friends can change and at this point I think it's a good time for new group of people around. Maybe she will find someone IF she will change her surroundings. What's the point in staying with same people all the time if it has element of unpleasantness?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 17, 2012 14:53:11 GMT -5
You are right loony - if she wants to start over with a brand new set of friends, she is welcome to do that. I don't think unrequited love merits that.
In fact, I professed my love to a friend 20 years ago. He was substantially not interested. His wife and him and me and my husband all hang together often. They are great! Sure it was weird there for a few years, but we all moved on. My husband doesn't know (it was before we met.) I don't know if his wife knows, but she sure doesn't appear threatened, nor should she.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 17, 2012 14:54:33 GMT -5
Why do you all want her to suffer? Nothing is forever, so friends can change and at this point I think it's a good time for new group of people around. Maybe she will find someone IF she will change her surroundings. What's the point in staying with same people all the time if it has element of unpleasantness? Yes, sitting home alone on a holiday and cutting off contact with your friends when you have a hard time making friends will make everything all better.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Dec 17, 2012 14:56:34 GMT -5
I've been in the same social circle with ex-boyfriends whom I was in love with. It is awkward. I will also say that susanb's post about how most of the awkwardness is me being embarrassed - either because I did something that was undignified during the break-up, or I felt like I acted in an unbecoming way during the relationship. I felt like I was taken advantage of, and probably appeared weak or stupid. Or, I desperately pleaded for him to keep loving me. I didn't want to be around someone who had seen me so terrible venerable. Someone who had power over me. I think there are degrees of that in relationships, some you can overcome and some you can't. I had one ex-BF that stayed in my social group and although we both had horribly embarrassing knowledge neither one of us ever said anything about it to the group (at least I hope he didn't, I know I never did). I had a different ex-BF that was always threatening to kill himself whenever we fought or I tried to leave. I broke up with him a few times and kept getting sucked back in. In the end I dropped my whole social group that he was a part of because I couldn't afford to get sucked back into that relationship. From what was posted, Ava's ex sounds like in the first group. She had some embarrassing moments many years ago but they are unlikely to come up at Christmas dinner with the new girlfriend there. Doesn't sound like a big risk for a scene or getting sucked back into a destructive relationship.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Dec 17, 2012 15:01:29 GMT -5
Why do you all want her to suffer? Nothing is forever, so friends can change and at this point I think it's a good time for new group of people around. Maybe she will find someone IF she will change her surroundings. What's the point in staying with same people all the time if it has element of unpleasantness? Yes, sitting home alone on a holiday and cutting off contact with your friends when you have a hard time making friends will make everything all better. Yep! It is really horrible to be alone at your own place, having some wine, watching awesome movies, go to bed early and wake up without recollection of looks, stares, moves, heart sinking...etc. I can think of more horrible time spending like being in company of your old flame who is dating his new flame!!! BTW swamp, you hadn't told me if you were ever in looove...
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Dec 17, 2012 15:04:04 GMT -5
Cutting my friends out of my life is not in my plans. I love these people, have been around them for years, and they feel more like family than anything else. To clarify, I don't love this man in the present. That was years ago. What I have now is the awkward feeling of being around someone who knew me too well, and who tried to take advantage of me. That's it. He knows a lot about me, and it feels really uncomfortable. It's not nice. I saw him a couple of times during summer barbecues but my mother was around and I didn't feel that bad. After reading all these posts, I decided to go to the party, but not too early. I'll go just around dinnertime. I'll enjoy myself as much as I can. In the bottom of my heart, I am glad I didn't end up with him, because he uses people, and he's very complicated. Loony; you are right, I am a drama queen. I can't help it He was a supervisor without papers because we are talking about a small cleaning company that uses a lot of illegal labor. Teennesser, yes, I am the poster who lives in Connecticut and plans to move to Florida. I think I'll be there by next Christmas, if everything works out.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Dec 17, 2012 15:05:42 GMT -5
From Ava's opening post: At the same time I know attending the party is going to be very upsetting and stressful for me.Here's my advice - take it or leave it - I'm not telling you what to do - I'm giving you some "options" or "choices" for your consideration: What about exploring your feelings... why is this upsetting to you? Exactly why? <-- no don't tell me - answer these questions for yourself. So, you've had some emotional relationship pain... everybody does (well, I hope everyone does...)... why is this still so painful? Why do you still care what this guy does? Do you really want a relationship with him? What good would that do you? Don't use 'protecting' the girl involved as an excuse. I'm assuming everyone involved is an adult - they get to make their own choices - it's not your job to protect the girl from someone who you experienced as a 'snake' years ago. <-- don't tell me - tell yourself. If you do go to the party I'd also advise that you should try to come up with a neutral sentence or two about the time you knew the guy... in case anyone asks. They don't all need to know your past business. That's how you describe your previous relationship with this guy: He was my 'boss' or coworker at XYZ company years ago. You don't have to mention your feelings for him or that he did you wrong. You may want to ee-examine your 'love' for this guy in retrospect... you were making 'big decisions' by putting yourself BEFORE the love you felt for this guy... being stood up by a date isn't all that uncommon... Maybe you need to reclassify the feelings of 'love' you had for this guy into some other category than 'true love'. I've got a guy - who I dnow call my "Favorite Mistake"... I've never managed to have a guy be in love with me while I was in love with him. I was head over heals in love with the Mistake.. it was a horrible awful relationship and it was for the best to have ended it, but even today decades later there's a part of me that mourns that I've never felt that same level of 'love' and I sometimes wonder if there might have been a happy ending there... and then I ::shudder:: and thank my lucky stars some part of my brain said "RUN!!!" and I did. A long time ago, I realized that I wasn't 'in love' with the guy - I was 'in love' with my feelings of 'love' he inspired. Maybe someday, I'll have that feeling of 'love' for a guy who feels that same feeling of 'love' for me... ADDED: I could interact with this guy again if I had to - it would be awkward and I'd be on my best 'social' behavior - like if I was at a business meeting with people I didn't know well - but I wouldn't be angry or stressed or cry or anything.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 17, 2012 15:08:36 GMT -5
I think you should go. I think you should get your hair and make up done and look AWESOMELY AWESOME and go. You are such a strong and accomplished person, you can do it!!!
Also, he doesn't sound like the most ethical guy, so may be your friend should consider that......
Lena
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