Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Nov 29, 2012 18:46:10 GMT -5
We are not sick of you. We are your Virtual Friends. We love to hear from you! We just wish you had better news about XDH's kids. I am glad DSD's Friends parents are making this happen for you and DSD. I hope it does not backfire. I am also hopeful that in going to Church she may find some additional comfort in that setting. You have to wonder if it even occurs to the X how other people will view her actions. She is probably so stuck on herself that she doesn't even realize that her DD's friends and family think she is a horrible parent.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 29, 2012 19:07:49 GMT -5
::I think some of you need a nice warm welcome to the world of being a human being.::
The world where it's ok for adults to undermine a parent's authority by secretly meeting them against the parent's wishes?
If the bio mom was posting her side, people would be telling her to have kdamron strung up by her toes if she went behind her back to spend time with the kid. You can think the mom is making a terrible choice while still understanding that it's her right to do so.
::I am not sure why people are adressing your 'rights' as a step parent since you aren't talking about your 'rights' but rather about supporting a child going through mourning. ::
It's not about the rights of a step parent, but it IS about the rights of one adult to undermine the authority of a child's parents simply because they think the parent is wrong and because the adult REALLY wants to do it.
::I am glad DSD's Friends parents are making this happen for you and DSD::
Would you want your kid's friend's parents making secret arrangements for your child though? Everything is fine and dandy as long as someone else is taking the brunt and as long as we can convince ourselves that they "deserve it".
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 29, 2012 19:09:31 GMT -5
::Villains don't know they are villains::
Absolutely, everyone thinks they're the good guy. And this isn't the movies, villains don't lose their rights just because we've decided they are the villains in the situation.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Nov 29, 2012 19:12:17 GMT -5
It could also be that she fears her kids like you too much. In her mind, when you with DH- the kids HAD to spend time with you. Now, they are wanting to be with you and she might be feeling like they prefer her to you. Insecuring can do some scary things. It probably hurts her that when the kids are hurting they want to see their step-mom & not her. However, she needs to get past that & do what is best for her kids. You are their link to their father & important in their lives. She is only hurting them & hurting her relationship with them by making this an issue. She is forcing them to not only deal with the loss of 1 parent, but really the loss of 2 by taking them out of your life. That sucks. I'm glad you get to see one of them. And I completely disagree with those that say you are just a step-parent & have no future role in these girls lives. Be grateful the girls are old enough to make their wishes known & the mom can't completely cut them off. Weren't lawyers meeting to sort things out regarding the girls? I hope you get some legal rights to see them worked out & not have to go through drama like this.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 29, 2012 19:14:44 GMT -5
::And I completely disagree with those that say you are just a step-parent & have no future role in these girls lives.::
Did someone say this?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2012 19:44:53 GMT -5
Hoops has got a few good points. I would be extremely upset with anyone that helped GW meet with one of a few people she is not permitted to see. It is not up to them to judge my reasons, even if GW wants to see them.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 29, 2012 19:49:57 GMT -5
I think this is spot-on. The mere fact that they want to see YOU has to feel like a tremendous threat.
While I understand the urge to see DSD (since it sounds like it will be very beneficial for both of you) be sure that if the ex finds out, it won't create even more problems. Are there custody proceedings pending?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 29, 2012 19:58:28 GMT -5
Custody hearings? About what? I understand KD wants to see her step kids but legally, once her husband died, she has no legal rights to those kids. Her heart feels differently and I'm glad for her and for them but those kids mother is not going to budge on this.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Nov 29, 2012 19:58:54 GMT -5
It could also be that she fears her kids like you too much. In her mind, when you with DH- the kids HAD to spend time with you. Now, they are wanting to be with you and she might be feeling like they prefer her to you. Insecuring can do some scary things. Ok - I can get that, you guys always remind me I'm not always right. I am selfish in my grief...
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Nov 29, 2012 20:04:28 GMT -5
Custody hearings? About what? I understand KD wants to see her step kids but legally, once her husband died, she has no legal rights to those kids. Her heart feels differently and I'm glad for her and for them but those kids mother is not going to budge on this. I have no legal rights and I get that, and I don't expect her to budge, until you've been there you can't understand what it's like to have half of you ripped out. And losing the girls too just doubles it. They were in our home every other week. I took them for their first mani/pedis at 6 & 10. I know I wasn't always the best step mom, but I tried and I cared. It just doubles the loss. Then when a 10 yo calls you up crying because she wants to see you and can't it magnifies everything.
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Nov 29, 2012 20:15:35 GMT -5
kd,
Can you have someone talk to the stepmom's BF/fiance and have him explain to her how she is hurting her daughters and that they need to be see you once a week or as needed to talk about your DH and start the healing process? You were the one closest to their dad when he passed away and they know how much you loved one another. They need to be part of your family at least until they grow a little older. Denying them now will only cause them more pain and she needs to have that pointed out by someone close to her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 29, 2012 20:37:17 GMT -5
I do get it. I just don't know what you can do about it. I'm sorry it just compounds your grief and theirs. You all need to heal. It takes time. I wish the girls could go to Scotland with you. Maybe after some time has passed, their mom will relent. But those girls need to be cool for now about how much they want to see you.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Nov 29, 2012 20:38:33 GMT -5
kd, Can you have someone talk to the stepmom's BF/fiance and have him explain to her how she is hurting her daughters and that they need to be see you once a week or as needed to talk about your DH and start the healing process? You were the one closest to their dad when he passed away and they know how much you loved one another. They need to be part of your family at least until they grow a little older. Denying them now will only cause them more pain and she needs to have that pointed out by someone close to her. This is why I post here. Great idea, I'll get right on it.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 29, 2012 22:12:00 GMT -5
kd - is church a place you would normally be (even if it wasn't that particular one)? I just would hate for mom to see this as a manipulative tactic on your part and get even MORE crazy or strict with the girls. Can you just run it by one of your lawyer friends (with a hypothetical scenario even) to see if it would be kosher? Now that the CYA part is over, I hope and pray the mom will let you see the girls. As much as mom may not like it, you were family and you love them as a parent. You all are grieving and need each others support as much as possible. So sorry I am praying for all of you. Even for crazy X - because sometimes only divine intervention can fix crazy
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 29, 2012 22:55:42 GMT -5
kd, Can you have someone talk to the stepmom's BF/fiance and have him explain to her how she is hurting her daughters and that they need to be see you once a week or as needed to talk about your DH and start the healing process? You were the one closest to their dad when he passed away and they know how much you loved one another. They need to be part of your family at least until they grow a little older. Denying them now will only cause them more pain and she needs to have that pointed out by someone close to her. This is why I post here. Great idea, I'll get right on it. You might rethink "getting right on it". You've apparently already attempted to contact her in multiple ways with no success. A little time is a good healer. Think about being in an argument with someone, sometimes the more you push your point, the more they arch their back and dig their heels in. A day later and they might be willing to hear you out. Calling, texting, emailing, then adding in "trying to go through the bf" might only exasperate the situation. If you think going through him is more likely to be effective, you might give it a little pause to give it a better shot at working. I expect this from the kids, they want to see you, so they do anything they can because children want it NOW. So they call you, then they get someone else to contact you, and on and on and on. You need to think about this as an adult, and sometimes as an adult you have to sacrifice what you might want right now in order to get what you want in the long run. You want to see the girls now, but presumably you want to be in their lives going forward. A little manipulation might get you a lot further toward that goal than an outright declaration of war by trying to hammer home what you want.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Nov 30, 2012 0:03:13 GMT -5
While I don't necessarily agree with Hoops on the enemy part - I think she might be a jealous person if how you have described her is accurate. You say she doesn't deal with his eldest daughter which I would guess is because she is his child by another woman. She now wants to show you and others he married her too - so I'm going to say jealousy is a motivation in her dislike of you now. The fact the kids want to see you probably makes her jealous as well which causes her to clamp down even harder most likely.
I probably would show up at the church thing being prepared for it to backfire. I would sincerely tell the 10 year old that her Mom doesn't want us to meet and perhaps we should honor her wishes for now. Sounds like you can at least text and maybe she will cool down eventually. Possibly not too.
Good luck to all of you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2012 3:09:50 GMT -5
I actually think this is the problem <<I emailed the EX and told her DSD is really hurting and wants to see me and I want to see her and would she please consider even letting me meet her somewhere. No answer.>>
You contacted her to say DSD wants to see YOU. She already lost her hubby to you, now the kids like you better too?
I don't think you should bring the kids' desire to see you into it at all. You should reach out to her just to ask if you can see the kids, nothing about the kids need/want/would benefit from it. Just ask for yourself for all your own selfish reasons. That is far less threatening to bizzaro-ex.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Nov 30, 2012 6:43:00 GMT -5
I am VERY afraid this may backfire and more on the kid than kd. When (not if) the X finds out about this 'secret' meeting she is VERY likely to forbid the girl any contact w/her friend. Tha is not going to help the girl or strengthen any ties or relationship amongst the 4 of you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2012 7:28:08 GMT -5
I actually think this is the problem <<I emailed the EX and told her DSD is really hurting and wants to see me and I want to see her and would she please consider even letting me meet her somewhere. No answer.>> You contacted her to say DSD wants to see YOU. She already lost her hubby to you, now the kids like you better too? I don't think you should bring the kids' desire to see you into it at all. You should reach out to her just to ask if you can see the kids, nothing about the kids need/want/would benefit from it. Just ask for yourself for all your own selfish reasons. That is far less threatening to bizzaro-ex. Good point. Keep it brief, to the point and don't explain your reasons because she is going to twist them around in her own mind. Just ask to see the kids because it would be nice to see them, period. I wouldn't bring any emotionally charged issues into it at all. And, i do think a "secret" meeting is a bad idea and will only fan the flames.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 30, 2012 7:59:42 GMT -5
Oh, KD, my heart just aches for you and those girls.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 30, 2012 9:33:43 GMT -5
::I've never claimed to be a saint but why on earth would we be enemies? I wasn't in these kids lives for six months - I was their step mother for 4 years. She and I always got along before this. I'm not her enemy. :: From the way you talk about her, it sounds like she freaking hates you. That makes you "enemies". If you don't like the word enemy, then just say you aren't getting along (even though it sounds much more escalated than that). I'm not saying you consider HER YOUR enemy...but it certainly sounds like that's how she feels about you. It takes one person to make 2 people enemies, it takes 2 people to make 2 people friends. Hoops, when you've been a mother or a step-mother, feel free to post on this topic. Otherwise, you can't understand the often fragile dynamic between 2 women connected by the love of one's child/children. On one end, it can be a double blessing for the kid(s) involved, or on the other it can be fraught with all kinds of often-unnecessary drama and trauma and vindictiveness. More often, the mother-stepmother relationship is imbalanced as it appears is the case for KD: the mother is fearful/angry/jealous of her daughters' relationship with KD and KD is bending over backwards not to overstep the mother's bounds yet still remain close to the step kids. In the best of circumstances, the mother=stepmother relationship can be tenuous. With the death of the girls' father, KD's relationship with their mother has entered a whole new level of emotion. Cut her some slack. She's lost her husband and fears losing her only connection to him here on earth AND 2 wonderful little girls -- all in a few weeks time. KD--by all means, vent away. The vast majority of us support you and feel for you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2012 9:39:44 GMT -5
I actually think this is the problem <<I emailed the EX and told her DSD is really hurting and wants to see me and I want to see her and would she please consider even letting me meet her somewhere. No answer.>> You contacted her to say DSD wants to see YOU. She already lost her hubby to you, now the kids like you better too? I don't think you should bring the kids' desire to see you into it at all. You should reach out to her just to ask if you can see the kids, nothing about the kids need/want/would benefit from it. Just ask for yourself for all your own selfish reasons. That is far less threatening to bizzaro-ex. How did she lose her husband to KD? Was KD the "other woman"? I never read anywhere that this woman "lost her husband " to KD. It has always sounded like they got divorced and then later he met KD.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2012 9:48:59 GMT -5
I was in the middle of this type drama.. I was the mom un-adored and experienced openly what took place behind many closed door meet and talk sessions concerning me-- How? My daughter's behavior towards me turned soooo unpleasant to the point she would always run to grandma. My girl played us like a fiddle and we taught her how. It took two years to undo the secret brainwashing talks done behind my back before I could reconcile with my daughter.. Today we are Mom and daughter and great friends. Some of what was said behind closed doors was true about me and some of it was blatant lies. Why would adults discuss important matters with a child? I could go on and on about the immaturity of that one for hours, but will spare you.. Here's my point and anyone can glean from it what they'd like or totally disregard my truth concerning children who happen to be in the middle of adult spats. For whatever reasons. Never underestimate a child's ability to, over time play both ends against the middle while the adults have at it, supposedly in the best interests of them. Children learn how to play our games against us for their benefit.. I know. And it doesn't matter how sweet the child. My girl was sweet as sugar.. Fromthe
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 30, 2012 9:55:06 GMT -5
::Hoops, when you've been a mother or a step-mother, feel free to post on this topic.::
Actually, I'll post on whatever topic I like whenever I feel like it. Or does that mean you'll stop posting on any thread started by a man because you're not one? And for the record, none of what you go onto say in any way disagrees with what I've already said.
::Cut her some slack. She's lost her husband and fears losing her only connection to him here on earth AND 2 wonderful little girls -- all in a few weeks time. ::
Cut who some slack? She can feel however she wants to feel. But stepping up the aggression level with the bio mom and going behind her back to undermine her authority with her kids seems like it's probably unlikely to lead to a good long-term outcome. It has nothing to do with her emotions or her bond with the step-kids. It has to do with what actions in her now very emotional state, are going to be best int he long run.
That's the difference between adults and children. Children get emotional and act purely based on that emotion. Adults should act with some level of thought even in emotional times (and sometimes it's REALLY hard to understand that you're still acting on emotion). As it stands currently with the bio mom's attitude toward KD, she has 2 choices. 1. She can do anything it takes to see the kids right now. 2. She can do what's most likely going to lead to a long term place in the children's lives. This probably involves taking bio mom's side in what she says about KD seeing the kids.
::KD is bending over backwards not to overstep the mother's bounds yet still remain close to the step kids. ::
She's hardly "bending over backwards", she's calling, texting, emailing, communicating with the kid behind her back, communicating with the kid's friend's parent, possibly going for communication with the bio mom's bf...all towards a woman who seemingly doesn't want to communicate with her right now. If she's not careful she's going to end up with a restraining order against her. She doesn't have some inalienable right to "stay close to the step kids" which is what many people seem to not understand at all. If she doesn't back off a bit she risks never seeing these kids again. Apparently some of you think that's either not a big risk or it's an acceptable outcome as long as she gets to see the kids for a few minutes by going behind mom's back.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Nov 30, 2012 10:56:40 GMT -5
I actually think this is the problem <<I emailed the EX and told her DSD is really hurting and wants to see me and I want to see her and would she please consider even letting me meet her somewhere. No answer.>> You contacted her to say DSD wants to see YOU. She already lost her hubby to you, now the kids like you better too? I don't think you should bring the kids' desire to see you into it at all. You should reach out to her just to ask if you can see the kids, nothing about the kids need/want/would benefit from it. Just ask for yourself for all your own selfish reasons. That is far less threatening to bizzaro-ex. How did she lose her husband to KD? Was KD the "other woman"? I never read anywhere that this woman "lost her husband " to KD. It has always sounded like they got divorced and then later he met KD. The problem is that the ex probably isn't approaching this situation rationally, and I suspect see's herself in competition with KD. To her, she doesn't see the fact that her children have lost their father and they desperately want to stay connected to him in any way possible, she see's the fact that she isn't the grieving widow. And I bet she blames KD, on some level, for stealing that attention away from her. It's ridiculous of course, but I suspect that in her mind (and given the fact she put her weddings rings back on right away), she convinced herself that she still loved KD's hubby and as the mother of their children should be the focus of the attention. KD, I do agree with the others who have indicated meeting DSD is a bad idea. I realize that you desperately want to see her. But, it may better at this point to acquiese to the ex's wishes for awhile. Right now, she probably resents the hell out of the fact that her kids are asking to see you. She probably see's you as a threat to her relationship to her kids. I bet when they stop asking to see you so much and she thinks she has won, she'll let them see you again.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 30, 2012 11:01:16 GMT -5
I wouldn't do it no matter how tempting. Short term gain could lead to long term losses. The girls know that you are there for them and care about them. Explain to DSD that you understand she wants to see you but right now that would only complicate things. You think it is best that she respect her mother's wishes for now and let things cool off.
The girls will know you are there for them and eventually will be at an age where they can decide for themselves that they are going to have a relationship with you.
But as of right now they are minors and their mother has the right to decide who they do and don't see. I would respect that no matter how much it pains me because it's better for everyone in the long run. All going behind her back will do is piss her off and drive a wedge between her and her kids. Like it or not she is still their mother.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Nov 30, 2012 11:03:20 GMT -5
I actually think this is the problem <<I emailed the EX and told her DSD is really hurting and wants to see me and I want to see her and would she please consider even letting me meet her somewhere. No answer.>> You contacted her to say DSD wants to see YOU. She already lost her hubby to you, now the kids like you better too? I don't think you should bring the kids' desire to see you into it at all. You should reach out to her just to ask if you can see the kids, nothing about the kids need/want/would benefit from it. Just ask for yourself for all your own selfish reasons. That is far less threatening to bizzaro-ex. How did she lose her husband to KD? Was KD the "other woman"? I never read anywhere that this woman "lost her husband " to KD. It has always sounded like they got divorced and then later he met KD. From what I understand she initiated the divorce.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2012 11:03:42 GMT -5
Oh get over yourself. Hoops is giving kd some of the best feedback on here. I considered posting something similar but I wasn't willing to take the grief for it. If having a long term relationship with the girls is important to her she needs to stop being self indulgent when dealing with the mother.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Nov 30, 2012 11:06:17 GMT -5
Okay, I get it, no meeting. I only emailed her when I was asked by DSD (who called me) to do it.
And for the record, I sincerely doubt the girls want to see me more than their mom, they just probably need to see me too for the normalcy. I'm not going to kid myself. She is their mother. I get that.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Nov 30, 2012 11:11:02 GMT -5
I am in the camp that says don't do it.
No matter how good your intentions are, she is still their mother and they are still under her guardianship till they are minors. As DramaQ said, once the girls grow up they will be able to decide for themselves what they want to do. But for now, their mother's wishes need to be respected, no matter how ridiculous they are.
If it were for me I would be terribly pissed if my XH's widow decided to to have a clandestine meeting with my daughter with the help of my daughter's friend's father! Firstly, that Dad has no business arranging such a meeting behind my back. Secondly, my daughter must follow my rules till she is under my roof.
I understand she is being utterly ridiculous. I also understand you are doing it out of goodness of your heart. I truly do. But its still wrong becasue you are going behind the mother's back.
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