Kids vs Grandkids - Financial Jealousy?

[alabamagal]

Aug 27, 2012 10:55:52 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Foodie, that's just an excuse and a poor one. I'd be making that twelve hour trip at least once a month and probably every other weekend.

Every other weekend is a bit much....My parents are 9 hours away and we usually average 3-4 times a year. Once the kids were in school, we would actually send the kids down there for a week every spring break. My dad would actually drive up here and pick them up and return them after a week. It helped that they lived on a lake with boat and jet ski, so plenty to do. Now that kids are in college, they have driven down there for spring break!

I would love it if DH's parents would spoil the kids but they don't. They have very little disposable income (like none), but there are other issues. When kids were younger, MIL would not even hug them to say good-bye because "I don't want them getting attached to me since we live SO FAR away" - 3 hours actually. The kids get $10 each for birthday and Christmas and she has never even tried to buy them anything. I know it is a $ issue, but I would at least like them to put some effort into it.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Aug 26, 2012 14:16:22 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

My parents are way better grandparents than they were parents. They had kids very young. They didn't have any money (or PATIENCE) when we were little.

I love how awesome my mom and dad are with my kids. They spend a lot of time and money on my children. I'm not jealous at all. I actually have a good relationship now with my parents.

I tease my Dad about being a much better grandparent than parent. He worked 3rd shift for most of my childhood (so he slept days)and had a temper. So he's been much more AROUND for the grandkids and he's got the temper under control more now. All the grandkids adore him.

[thyme4change]

Every other weekend is a bit much

I agree - my parents are 20 minutes away and my in-laws are 45 minutes away. I would poke them with a stick if they showed up every other weekend. And it would be worse if they thought they could come to my house and stay for days multiple times a month.

[The Captain]

Aug 27, 2012 10:55:52 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Foodie, that's just an excuse and a poor one. I'd be making that twelve hour trip at least once a month and probably every other weekend.

Zib, really? Let's see - you get off work at 5, get home by 6 and let's say leave the house at 6 on the nose. Drive from 6 until 2 or 4am the next day (making the grandparents either stay up late or get up early) to let you in. Spend one day with them where everyone is tired and cranky and spend most of the day Sunday driving back so you can be at work on time on Monday.

I'm guessing you don't work or have wayyyy more than 2 weeks of vacation. Time is a very valuable thing for young working parents.

[zdaddy]

In my case, it helps my parents live across the country and we only get to see them a few times a year. When my mom and dad came to visit last time, they took a detour to Toys R Us and then proceeded to call every 5 minutes asking what my son would like for his birthday present. Eventually I got fed up and told them to "just pick something." So my son got a complete new Thomas the Tank Engine station with all the extras. Yes, I thought they were crazy but I couldn't complain too much because of how little my son gets to see them in person.

Another thing to keep in mind is that parents need to reign in spending just on principle. I can afford to give my kid most things but I don't because I don't want him to get spoiled. I've seen a lot of upper middle class kids get used to a certain "lifestyle" and have no idea how much it takes to support it. Then they go get a degree in post-modern art and wonder why they can't afford nice things as an adult.

[The Captain]

Aug 27, 2012 10:32:56 GMT -5 @foodiedad said:

I wish my parent and my in-laws lived closer so that they COULD spoil the DD. They moved away when they retired, my parents are 12 hours away and the In laws are 10.

My DD is 8 and she sees them only 1x a year, 2x if we're lucky. I wish they were both closer so that she could get to know them better (and vice-versa) than just a phone call every week.

If they are retired why can't they come to visit you more often?

[Deleted]

My mom is like a cat with my kids. She was scary when I was growing up. My dad is all hands on . When I was growing up he wasn't around that much because he had 3 or 4 jobs.

[thyme4change]

My sister moved to Europe, and my parents still saw the grandkids 3x per year. But, my family has coin!

[zibazinski]

Yup, I'm retired and intend to stay that way. My kids, if they have kids, would have a fit if I were that close and didn't visit often. If I'm stuck here, I'm around 18 hours away so it'd be plane tickets monthly at least. Plus, by the time they start having kids, we will have a winter home where they are so I'll see them even more.

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2012 10:55:52 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Foodie, that's just an excuse and a poor one. I'd be making that twelve hour trip at least once a month and probably every other weekend.

Zib - like Captain most people don't have a lot of vacation time...I only get two weeks (and this year, with a job change, I didn't use any this spring and I don't get any until after January 1st).

And, Captain, my parents (and in-laws) are over 70 - my dad has macular degeneration, my mom is afraid of driving long distances, and my father-in-law has a hard time sitting that long in a car...

[zibazinski]

That is tough and too bad. My happiest childhood memories are of my grandparents. I'm sorry for you and your kids.

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2012 15:51:26 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

That is tough and too bad. My happiest childhood memories are of my grandparents. I'm sorry for you and your kids.

Ditto for me. I saw my GPs often...so much so that even 30 years later I could draw a precise diagram of both side's homes (including the plastic covered couches) as well as the apartments they moved in to when they decided the homes were too much to handle. In fact, both sets of GPs moved into the SAME apartment building.

We have a small family -- DW has 2 sibs, one in TN, one in SanFran (neither have kids) and I have 1 (2 kids) - luckily for us and DD, she's just 7 miles away and DD gets to see them often (in fact, my niece babysits for DD almost every month).

[Deleted]

I won't advocate teenage pregnancy, but my kids are golden... my kids at 13 and 11 have grandparents 55/57 who are very active grandparents... and grew up with great grandparents who are just now starting to decline.... honestly, its amazing they aren't spoiled rotten... now that i think about it...

[zibazinski]

My aunt, my grandparents last kid, was 14 when I was born. My crib was in her bedroom when I stayed with my grandparents. My mom had me right before she turned 21 but she was fortunate enough to not have to worry about feeding me so having a baby that early was not a financial hardship. It was great having young grandparents and young aunts. Young mother, not so much.

[mandyms]

Slightly "jealous" in the fact that we grew up with my grandparents and the majority of extended family 2000 miles away. DD and I now live an hour away from my parents and my brothers family.

I will say through I envy the attention my dad lavishes on DD. I think mostly because he didn't have much patience with my constant state of precociousness. . I get it now and try to remember because I tend to get the same way when there's no down time from DD. But I'm just glad she has a more proper father figure than what the ex can provide.

Financially, I know they don't do it intentionally, but they tend to provide based on what they perceive as need. My brother sucks at managing money and constantly borrows money from the parents, yet found some money for a 3d flat screen last year. So if my mom see his kids with poor fitting clothes, new ones are bought cuz she feels "they are suffering"

[cronewitch]

My brother took a road trip with his wife and kids to visit our parents. The next to youngest was explaining to the youngest how to be spoiled on the way since he had never been spoiled before. Mom had a big bowl of fruit and told the kids they could have fruit whenever they wanted without asking. Little boy took an apple and his mother saw him, told him we are putting dinner on the table now. She wouldn't have let him have fruit that close to dinner but she wasn't his boss at grandparents house. He said "I know" and took a big bite of apple grinning ear to ear. It doesn't take a lot to spoil a kid who isn't always allowed to do whatever he wants.

[giramomma]

Aug 27, 2012 16:50:24 GMT -5 oped said:

I won't advocate teenage pregnancy, but my kids are golden... my kids at 13 and 11 have grandparents 55/57 who are very active grandparents... and grew up with great grandparents who are just now starting to decline.... honestly, its amazing they aren't spoiled rotten... now that i think about it...

Your kids are lucky. My cousin had her first at 15 and lost her dad within two years. DH had a cousin who had a kid young (18 or 19) and that grandparent died within 3 years of that.

This all happened roughly a decade ago.

[zibazinski]

We got to four generations and I'm so glad I found that picture.

[geenamercile]

No jealously here at all. I think over all in a year the ILs get the same amount of stuff for the girls now as they did when we lived next to them. The difference is when we lived next to them it was more often but less each time, now it is more each time but we see them less often. My parents are cut off from us and the kids and nothing is the best gift they can give anyone. My aunt/uncle/grandmother well they spoiled me pretty well as a child and seem to carrying that over to the girls.

We have four generations as well on both sides. DH has one grandmother still living and I have two. I'm glad my oldest daughter will have memories with them and I hope the youngest one will too.

[geenamercile]

I will add that one of the reasons that I think DH and I are so relaxed around the ILs is that they always respect us as the parents.

"My brother took a road trip with his wife and kids to visit our parents. The next to youngest was explaining to the youngest how to be spoiled on the way since he had never been spoiled before. Mom had a big bowl of fruit and told the kids they could have fruit whenever they wanted witho1ut asking. Little boy took an apple and his mother saw him, told him we are putting dinner on the table now. She wouldn't have let him have fruit that close to dinner but she wasn't his boss at grandparents house. He said "I know" and took a big bite of apple grinning ear to ear. It doesn't take a lot to spoil a kid who isn't always allowed to do whatever he wants."

This so would not fly with me. My grandmother tried the whole-- when at my house my rules trumps all others- deal a few times. DH and I are top authority when it comes to our kids and rules. Our response to my grandmother was if that would cause a disagreement then we wouldn't be coming. If I say no to my child no one else is going to come behind me and try to undermined with my child. And this was an issue that occurred several times with my grandma that came to a head when Oldest Daughter was upset over wanting more cookies, I had said no, she already had her 2, and was having a crying fit, (she was 3/4) and I was several months pregnant with youngest daughter. Grandmother wanted to give her another, what could be the harm. Ummm we don't reward having a fit. Grandmother tried getting in between us which allowed enough time (talking seconds here) for oldest daughter to take off out the door, when Grandmother again blocked the door because she wanted to talk to Older Daughter instead of me. I was trying to be polite to her and tell her I was the mom I needed to handle it, in hindsight I should have just said MOVE. Anyways once outside Oldest Daughter took off towards the barns and fields, ended up chasing her into a neighboring farms horse field where I have no idea of the temperament of the horse. Ended up well, caught Oldest Daughter, horses were on the other side of the field. Grandmother still wanted to have her talk with Oldest Daughter and give her some cookies before we left. At this point I wasn't so nice with my butt out of it, there would no cookies and we were going home. Later we had a talk about the fact that DH and I were the parents, that I know my mom was more then willing to just her children with my grandmother and let my grandmother be the parents, but DH and I are not.

That being said our rules are certainly relaxed around the ILs and my aunt/uncle/grandma. I don't mind spoiling and oldest daughter knows she gets to do things there that she wouldn't get to do at home, like having the first two cookies before lunch in the story above. But she also knows that mommy and daddy are okay with her doing those things there. My aunt is far more into creating memories, and is keeping two horse pretty much for Oldest Daughters use. Our 5 year old also received her own lap top from FIL this year for Christmas, granted a hand me down, but this was on top of other gifts too. Youngest daughter is 1, and is spoiled as well.

[Deleted]

My parents were teens, I was mid 20s... My kids had 5 generations when little, but my grandparents were both youngest in large families.

[alabamagal]

I had my kids late 20s/early 30s, so my parents are not young grandparents, but they are great! Even though they are 9 hours away, they always find ways to spend quality time with my kids. They are well off financially, but do not spend extraordinary amounts of money on gifts. Here are some cool things.
- Since my kids were in grade school, my dad would drive up and pick the kids up for spring break, keep them a week then deliver them home. (Even though it is 9 hour drive, there are no direct plane flights, so it has always been road trip)
- My parents have a motor home and travel frequently. Since they are in S. Fla, we are about a days drive to anywhere they are going outside of FL. They frequently stop by for a day or two and park their motor home in the driveway. That way they can visit without being a burden on our household.
- During a couple of the summers, they used to pick the kids up and take them in the motorhome. I can't remember everywhere they have gone, but one time they took a month long trip out west.

[geenamercile]

I knew a women who was a grandmother at 34. She complained about it a fair amount and how she was to young to be a grandmother. I just always pointed out she was 14 when she had her son, he was 20 when he was having his daughter. She only had herself to blame.

[zibazinski]

Perfect! What great memories you and they will have.

[zibazinski]

You'd think they'd want you to have more of a chance at a life than they did? What's with it with parents who try to sabotage any child who wants to succeed?

[Loopdilou]

My parents live less than an hour away and I would murder them if they visited every weekend or even every other weekend. I am, however, happy to off the kids on them frequently!