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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2012 22:28:26 GMT -5
I don't expect my friends to be perfect, because I'm not. If I call them a friend, they're someone I consider to be a good person overall, we'd never have gotten to be friends otherwise. If they're doing something I think puts them or their kids in harm's way or something I consider wrong and I feel strongly about it, I voice my opinion. I guess my friends know me well enough to know that when I do that, I do it because I care about them, and I haven't had any problems so far. I generally mind my own business and "live and let live", but I still think real friends talk to each other when one thinks the other one is way out of line on something.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 15, 2012 8:07:29 GMT -5
...:::"Hell, I don't even like people who tell little white lies.":::...
I'd like to think there are silly little things that are already pre-determined "lie-appropriate" areas. "Did you take your shoes off when you went upstairs?". "Did you scrub that spoon that touched the counter?". "Is this Atlantic salmon or Pacific salmon?". "Did you like that soup?". Some questions I feel like are just invitations to lie, and we both know it, and we both pretend the other isn't lying, and thats kind of OK.
...:::"I had to read back to see what I got myself into. While its nice you think I'd look good in anything I do have a closet full of non work appropriate dresses.":::...
All of which look fantastic on you, and on honey colored bruce hardwood.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 15, 2012 8:22:44 GMT -5
Hell, I don't even like people who tell little white lies
You must not have a lot of friends or have people who appreciate 100% brutal honesty at all times.
I've been best friends with my BFF for 15 years. I wasn't going to throw it away based on something going on in her personal life that I don't even know to be true, I heard it from someone else.
I also didn't feel it was my place to ask her about it. If she wanted to talk to me, she would talk to me. What was going on regarding her marriage imploding was none of my business.
Now if she had wanted me to be a cover, no I wouldn't play that game with her, I am not going to be an accomplice. I am not going to get involved in someone else's drama.
I don't need to be her morality police, her marriage was already ending so consequences were already going down, me lecturing her wasn't going to do anything besides make me feel smug.
I was friends with her husband too. I stayed out of it because of that also. It doesn't do anyone any good for mutal friends to start taking sides and gossiping about the other spouse. I wasn't going to share anything that either one told me. They could work it out between themselves.
Like milee I'm getting to the point where I realize that nine times out of ten telling someone what I think is self serving and I am doing it solely to make myself feel better.
I don't regret tellng my druggie co-dependent friend what I thought of him, but it went in one ear and out the other. I had to kick him back out of my life when his sister showed up on my doorstep saying his latest psycho ex had figured out where he lived and showed up looking for him.
Yeah .. .what good would it have done to lecture him again? Clearly in 10 years he hasn't learned anything and has sunk even lower than he was. I would be lecturing him just to hear myself talk.
I don't think what he is doing is right and it breaks my heart, but it's like talking to a brick wall.
I don't keep every person in my life that I disagree with it depends on the level of drama they are bringing into my life. I don't agree with what my BFF may have done but it brought no drama to my life, it is none of my beeswax even if I disagree with her.
My druggie friend was about to bring his drama right back onto my doorstep. I now have a family, so he had to go.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2012 8:23:07 GMT -5
For me, it really depends on the situation. I wouldn't help a friend engage in wrong doing. And, if there are things that are dangerous or illegal, i would even consider calling the police. Obviously, if there are abuse issues or something like that, i would do that. For cheating, i would probably tell a friend that i know that they know that is the wrong thing to do and i would hope they get some help to work out their issues. For other things, if a friend was having some problems due to mental health issues, addiction, etc i would try to help and steer them to professional help. I do believe in sticking by my friends and am not one to someone who makes a misstep. We all do. And, we all have points in life where we may act like Aholes and go through a phase of stupidity. But, again, if it is abuse, physical violence, and stuff like that then there are times you have to step back from the friendship and even turn someone in.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 15, 2012 8:28:41 GMT -5
...:::"I had to read back to see what I got myself into. While its nice you think I'd look good in anything I do have a closet full of non work appropriate dresses.":::... All of which look fantastic on you, and on honey colored bruce hardwood. Sigh I do like hardwood...
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 15, 2012 8:43:59 GMT -5
I have more trouble with the grey areas. I have a sibling that is doing the same crappy things to her daughter that our mom did to me and our two older sibs. Things like complaining about the girl in front of her and our extended family, discussing her flaws in front of her and our extended family (flaws like 'she's not as smart as her brother' or "we're late today because of her bad behavior) and making dire predictions (if she doesn't do better in school she'll end up being a fast food server) in front of her and our extended family.
While this sibling wasn't on the receiving end of my mom's constant verbal abuse, she saw what it did to her 3 older siblings. You would think this would be enough to make her raise her own daughter very differently. However she appears to be heading down the exact same path our mom took. Unfortunately her DH is right there with her, making the same constant negative comments, so he isn't someone I can speak to about it.
This isn't physical abuse, and I doubt it would be anything CPC would get involved in, but it's very damaging, long term. I wish I could approach my sibling and explain to her how her parenting approach sucks, but she's extremely thin skinned, prone to sulks and tantrums. Not only would she ignore my advice, she would probably cut off contact with me completely. I figure now at least I can talk to my neice personally and try to give her some positive re-enforcement, maybe that will help cut through the constant negativity at least a little bit.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2012 8:49:11 GMT -5
How others parent is a sticky issue and i don't even know if i am doing the right things most of the time. And, i think most of us have said, "if you don't pull up your grades and take school seriously, you will wind up working at McD's". And, some of it is personality and how we all deal with one another. We are all somewhat curmudgeonly in our personalities and some might take that in a different vein than we do.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 15, 2012 9:23:40 GMT -5
...:::"I would be lecturing him just to hear myself talk.":::... Sometimes thats not a bad thing ...:::"Sigh I do like hardwood...":::... I have it right now. Uhhh, for my floors -- all the ones that count anyway. The floor in the spare room (nicknamed, WVU's room) are hardwood.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 15, 2012 9:26:12 GMT -5
...:::"Sigh I do like hardwood...":::... I have it right now. Uhhh, for my floors -- all the ones that count anyway. The floor in the spare room (nicknamed, WVU's room) are hardwood. Very nice, easy to clean.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Aug 15, 2012 9:27:32 GMT -5
How others parent is a sticky issue and i don't even know if i am doing the right things most of the time. And, i think most of us have said, "if you don't pull up your grades and take school seriously, you will wind up working at McD's". And, some of it is personality and how we all deal with one another. We are all somewhat curmudgeonly in our personalities and some might take that in a different vein than we do. I'm definitely NOT a perfect parent, nor do I expect my friends to be. But for example, there is a nice woman in my neighborhood who I've become friendly with and she has a son my DD's age (6). I've had her over a few times and her son has ZERO respect for authority. He's like a wild cannon and does whatever he pleases. I tell him he can play upstairs in my kids' rooms and the next thing I know he's going through my master bathroom drawers. Guess what - I'm just not going to end up being friends with the woman. I refuse to have her child in my home anymore, and I don't respect the fact she's such a doormat with her child so it's hard for me to imagine sharing confidences with her. Sure, we'll be chatty on the street corner waiting for the school bus, but it won't go farther than that.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2012 9:30:23 GMT -5
And, that is your choice. For me, i don't expect my friends to live carbon copies of my life. And, i don't expect my friends to be perfect in all areas of how they live. There are times when i am a good parent and times i am probably not. Of course, you dont' let someone else's kid come in and destroy your house. But, that would not prevent me from being friends with someone i liked.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 15, 2012 9:46:22 GMT -5
...:::"Very nice, easy to clean.":::...
I keep my hardwood very neat. I don't let stains sit. I buff it regularly. I won't let people keep their shoes on. I want people to see their reflections in it. The installer said I could use windex to clean it, but I'd never put something so harsh on my hardwood. A gentle cloth and a little soap and water can work wonders.
I figure if I take care of it, it will take care of me. I know DW was also very happy when I had the carpet removed.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2012 9:50:39 GMT -5
My druggie friend was about to bring his drama right back onto my doorstep. I now have a family, so he had to go.
From what you've said about your friend, I would have distanced myself from him a long time ago just like you did. I don't like being around people that always have some kind of drama going on in their lives. Nor do I like being around addicts.
I've taken some risks for my friends, like helping one move out of her house while her husband (who she was afraid of) was at work, and going to pick up another friend after she left the house walking when her husband pulled a gun on her. But if that kind of drama was routine, or being around my friend put me in harms way in other ways, like legal issues, I'd be gone.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 15, 2012 10:00:37 GMT -5
We hadn't spoken for half a decade when I ran into him. It sounded like he was getting his life back on track so I figured I'd let him meet the hubby and kiddo. Then his sister showed up. .. so out the door he went again. I haven't heard from him since.
I told DH I made the mistake yet again of thinking maybe he was finally getting his shit together and I was smacked upside the head with my own 2x4. So now the door is closed for good.
I do still care and I do really hope he gets his act together, but I can't be supportive even the tinniest bit because there is too much risk involved. Plus I'd be dragging two other people into the mess, one of them being my daughter. I can't allow that.
It isn't even about not approving of his life anymore (which I don't) it's about the safety of myself and my family.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 15, 2012 10:09:26 GMT -5
expect my friends to trust me enough to know that they can say what they really think and I'm not going to run away or get pissed at them. And in turn, I need to know that I can be honest with them. That's just how my close friendships work.
True, I can be brutally honest with my BFF and not have it bite me in the ass.
But I also think part of being friends as long as we have is we have a mutal understanding of when things can go unsaid.
It's not rocket science to guess that I would opposed to her cheating, it doesn't need to be said and saying it is only going to dig the knife in deeper.
I knew what was going on, she knew I knew but we've been friends long enough that neither one of us had to say it and understood that it'd only come up in conversation if she wanted it to.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 15, 2012 10:48:41 GMT -5
I have more trouble with the grey areas. I have a sibling that is doing the same crappy things to her daughter that our mom did to me and our two older sibs. Things like complaining about the girl in front of her and our extended family, discussing her flaws in front of her and our extended family (flaws like 'she's not as smart as her brother' or "we're late today because of her bad behavior) and making dire predictions (if she doesn't do better in school she'll end up being a fast food server) in front of her and our extended family. While this sibling wasn't on the receiving end of my mom's constant verbal abuse, she saw what it did to her 3 older siblings. You would think this would be enough to make her raise her own daughter very differently. However she appears to be heading down the exact same path our mom took. Unfortunately her DH is right there with her, making the same constant negative comments, so he isn't someone I can speak to about it. This isn't physical abuse, and I doubt it would be anything CPC would get involved in, but it's very damaging, long term. I wish I could approach my sibling and explain to her how her parenting approach sucks, but she's extremely thin skinned, prone to sulks and tantrums. Not only would she ignore my advice, she would probably cut off contact with me completely. I figure now at least I can talk to my neice personally and try to give her some positive re-enforcement, maybe that will help cut through the constant negativity at least a little bit. That is a really tough situation, and you're right that CPS would just laugh at you if you tried to report it. (Not that they don't agree its wrong, but its no where on the list of the issues they are dealing with). I'm sure your neice will really appreciate the kind words and rational thinking you can give her.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 15, 2012 10:53:33 GMT -5
To me, a friend is someone I respect, not someone I happen to know.
Interesting statement. To me, respect and liking are not necessarily linked. There are very few people I totally respect in this world - if that was my basis for friendships, I wouldn't have that many friends.
That being said, my CLOSEST friends do tend to be people who also have my respect (talking about fewer than ten people here), which is why it was so tough in the case of these two friends when they lost some of it in my eyes. Just because I lost respect for them, though, doesn't mean that I loved them any less. That was a weird/tough lesson for me.
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